About my children's inheritance?

[BonyPony]

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

It has also made me reconsider my plan to use the children's inheritance now and reimburse them when I went straight back to a well-paid, full-time job.

I still can't believe that anyone would even consider using the inheritance in the first place, but i'm glad you have reconsidered what was truly a selfish idea.

As for thinking you could even pay it back, that's laughable. Anyone who thinks stealing money from their children is acceptable, isn't the sort to think paying it back is a priority. There would have always been a reason not to do so.

wish well I read that from the issues with FIL are lifelong and DH is an only child and doesn't like conflict with FIL

This tells me that asking for control of the money would cause conflict, and that DH is avoiding it.

Especially when he could afford to contribute more and won’t, or explain why..

If OP believes he could afford more, why does she want access to the kids money?

You have added the it about him lying. That's entirely made up by you.

Nope - its one of two options I put (you have omitted the other). He wanted to use the money to scale up. Now they have scaled up he is withholding the money.

EIther he lied to the OP about spending that money or he changed his mind. You omitted the second option.

As regards the kids inheritance - I've said more than once that they should not use that, but they should either use the DH's inheritance as planned or downsize.

The DH has unilaterally opted out a decision.

If I had agreed with my partner to commit to an expense based on having the money available and he then withheld it telling me to make up the shortfall he would rapidly be an ex partner and the house would be on the market.

@herculepoirot2

As far as I can see, the burden you speak of is all on the DH, who is solely responsible for bringing money into the house.

And for the umpteenth time, they can not afford it.

It's not about him "insisting" she get a job. They need the money.

Nor does he have the right to insist she goes to work.

Well like anyone else she can a) provide for herself b) be funded by her husband so long as he’s happy with that c) live off any benefits she’s entitled to.

If b isn’t an option then she can look at a or c.

Ok, from your last update I’m getting a better idea of what you’re thinking.

It sounds as though your FIL still thinks of the money as being his DDW’s rather than your DHs and DCs hence the wanting to continue to be the gatekeeper of it.

Compounded by the fact that he paid off your mortgage (was this a gift? Early inheritance?) he considers himself the head of the family’s finances - family he considers to be his only son and 3 grandchildren. You are only extended family by marriage.

As a pp has said, you have a DH problem.

I may have missed this but who buys a house that they can't afford the bills on?
You have an arts degree? Then I am sure you could do something with it.
I won't say what I think about using the inheritance because it would be deleted. I did a degree with a baby and 4 year old and have always worked. For some people feminism seems to be a mystery.

How can you not see that if you need to borrow from an inheritance to sustain your lifestyle from day to day you cannot afford that lifestyle. Plus you said it's more money than you'd earn in ten years- you won't be able to afford to pay it back plus keep that lifestyle going.

You went along with the bigger house for the sake of your DH's mental health but now say that you thought you were on the same page about using and enjoying the money whilst you can?

Clearly you're not on the same page, so the options still remain to either reduce your outgoings or get a flaming job to cover the shortfall that you clearly have gone along with creating.

FIL has got your measure.

OP, I think you need to do some actual budgeting with real figures, looking at the kind of job you might realistically be able to get, and the kind of childcare which would be needed during termtime and holidays. Then sit down with DH and decide whether you both agree that this is worthwhile or not, bearing in mind both of your mental health issues and other concerns. And if not, you need to either find ways to cut your living expenses, or man up to FIL so that DH can take control of his inheritance (not the children's, but the part which is his).

This tells me that asking for control of the money would cause conflict, and that DH is avoiding it.

Yes that's the pps point of view. Her other point of view is that full is stopping her tapping her kids inheritance. Which actually means he is stopping her stealing it.

Not really the most objective is she?

@C8H10N4O2 yes, it's an option. But you are stating it as fact.

Yes you have said the kids loney should be used. But not answering why she wants access to the kids money, if her dh has loads.

That doesnt make sense. Why wouldnt see be just concentrating on his money?

Or are you suggesting OP would prefer to fund her staying at home, by getting her kids to pay it. Whilst spending the DHS money on having fun?

However, recently, I was rejected for more than one job without interview which has knocked my confidence

Welcome to the real world!

You sound quite spoilt, actually. And no way should you use your children's money to ease up some of the hard lifestyle decisions you & your DH need to make. You and your DH need to have a serious discussion about money, budgets, and ways & means.

If your job is managing the household, then you must be doing the budgets, of course, aren't you? So you should know where the money is going and where it's possible to cut back.

And in the 5 hours a day your DC are at school, you can also do some research: find out about after-school care: clubs, an after-school nanny share, or the like. Cost it up. Present it to your husband in terms of overall family budgets. His salary, your salary, etc etc. Add in HIS inheritance (don't DARE touch your DCs' money), and look at all the possibilities.

Then have a look at reasonable jobs you can apply for & are qualified for.

Because of your confidence got a knock by not being short-listed for a job, you really need to think about why. Sadly, women taking time out of paid work leads to a perceived diminishing of their skills,. It's why you should never give up your job (very sound advice given to me in my 20s).

You need to get back into the paid workforce soon, so you may as well start now. Then you can start to catch up on pension & so on. I also happen to think (my personal opinion) that staying at home for longer than primary ages of DC is bad for the SAHP's mental health, and I've also seen it lead to tensions in marriages - sometimes irresolvable.

Your planning should look at all the possibilities in a very financial way; add in yours and his feelings about who works at what afterwards.

And think about the enduring stress & pressure on your DH always to be the only or main earner because you don't want to get back into the paid workforce. That's a strain/tension on your marriage you really don't want to risk, IME.

However, recently, I was rejected for more than one job without interview which has knocked my confidence. It has also made me reconsider my plan to use the children's inheritance now and reimburse them when I went straight back to a well-paid, full-time job.

It is unlikely you will walk straight back into a well-paid full-time job after 10 years out of work and a lack of confidence or motivation to return, especially when you are already flapping after a couple of failed interviews.

It really sounds like you are trying to live off dh's work and dh's inheritance without his agreement, do you really think that is reasonable? What happens when the free money runs out and you are unemployable?

But if the inheritance was to be split between DH and 3 DC and DH had his share to pay off the previous mortgage, put towards a more expensive property and fund a holiday of a lifetime. Then surely his share is spent and FIL has 'turned off the tap', to financially manage the kids money until they can inherit at a point when it'll be used for uni and/or the property ladder. You can't borrow their money as you've no way of paying it back.

Op is any of what is left your husbands? Or was it left to your husband to holdmin trust for the kids and your father in law is just managing it?

Is what's there your kids?

When your dad controls your money and your an adult male.... The FIL is the issue here.
The money for the children should be locked away..

If you pay £5 you can get a copy of the will.
Send it too someone you trust, and see what was said
Also if benifitiary of pension scheme, it will not be included in the will, and would be cheques to each person, or transfers to an account for them.

But you are stating it as fact

I said both options where there. One of them must be true.

I suspect if the FiL is controlling the whole inheritance she sees it as one inheritance pot. If the DH's inheritance can cover the shortfall then that is what they should use as previously planned. Or downsize.

I’m intrigued that you don’t appear to be concerned about your future finances and pension. Could that be because you think it’s ok to spend all of the current inheritance because you know that when FIL passes, you’ll get another lot then?

FIL was the executor of the will and DH and DC are named beneficiaries of a pension. FIL convinced DH to let him manage the account

So clearly DH could take back control of the account, except that for whatever reason he doesn't wish to … and maybe that's because he too doesn't want the money to be frittered away?

Unfortunately your position seems to be based on avoiding every other solution because the money's there. Using your kids' inheritance on some promise of paying them back later isn't reasonable either because the "later" would probably never happen - there'd always be something else it was needed for, with "FIL didn't explain how much was left" to fall back on

Overall I agree with most PPs that it's time to get more work and stabilise your own situation before you start drawing down more money from the bequest

I am a fairly rubbish housewife and we get by on a wing and a prayer

I'm just amazed you can write all this down, and not realise what you actually need to do!!

@mummmy2017 the Dh gave control to his father

wish there is indeed that. TBH I think its odd to leave money for minors. If you want it untouched for their future then put it in a trust for them. Otherwise just give it to the parents in the first place. They will know what can best be done with it and if you don't trust them - then trust fund it is.

BonyPony

It has also made me reconsider my plan to use the children's inheritance now and reimburse them when I went straight back to a well-paid, full-time job

THIS IS A PLAN TO ACT IN A CRIMINAL MANNER! It is not an option, unless you want your children, husband, and father-in-law to at best sue, or at worst pursue criminal charges with the police. I don't care how screwed up your head is.

A trustee or deputy must act in the best interests of the beneficiary. Loaning their money to a demonstrably bad manager of finances, working part time, to fund holidays, a fancy house etc, without a structured repayment term without interest payable, and without loan security is clearly not objectively defensible by anyone in their right mind.

Using your kids' inheritance on some promise of paying them back later isn't reasonable either because the "later" would probably never happen

It's probably also illegal ....

Its more money than you could ever earn in ten years...

But you want the money now...

So instead of a job, you'll take the money now...

And will pay the money back in ten years?

I'm not a maths whiz but i think you might want to look at your numbers again.

Nobody can force anyone to get a job, quite right. But they can refuse to be uncomfortable with the spread of financial responsibility in the house.

And anyone should be able to have an adult conversation about living beyond your joint means, where the first option on the table is likely to be about the non working party getting a job with more hours, not chipping away at their kids inheritance.