About my children's inheritance?

[BonyPony]

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

OP look at this years finances, you can download them from your bank, then sort them out into different categories, to see if you can save money anywhere. Maybe DH doesn't want to be wasteful, he sees what money gets spent on, if you've refused to cut back, has he given this as an alternative?

How old is eldest DC, could they not be responsible for keeping the other two occupied till you get home?

Obviously work out how much you'd make, if you have to use childcare, deduct this from your earnings and see what the difference is.

Do you know how much was left between DH & DC? Do you know how much DH has had so far? Maybe FIL sees the spending, thinking my DW didn't work really hard to have it used like this. It's an insult to her memory. The only thing I would be worried about, is that it's in FIL name, so should be need care / God forbid pass away, how would you access the money.

Focus on your finances, see what you can reasonably cut down, see if that makes any difference at all. What did you do before DC were born?

In an excel spreadsheet, maybe split it down monthly, then you have food shopping, essential shopping, non essential shopping. Obvious gas / electric / council tax / water / TV licence / mortgage / phone-broadband come under bills. I would check that you are on the best tariffs. Mobile phone wise, do all the children have phones, can DH or yourself not get a new phone, but go onto a sim only deal. Netflix and stuff like that is a luxury. Same as eating out plus other activities like cinema, days out.

Try and budget as best as you can. A good example is Amazon Prime & Netflix, you cant watch both. Do you buy enough from Amazon to save on posting? What you buy from Amazon, is it essential or stuff you can wait for.

Other expenditure like birthdays and Christmas, see if you can shave money off that.

I will say I don't understand how Aldi & Lidl are cheaper than say Morrison's or Asda. Consider shopping around for deals. B&M are good for food / random presents / household stuff.

I think if you change your mindset you could save enough so you didn't have to work. I'm guessing a big thing is not dipping into the inheritance pot. Yes it's there, at the same time if FIL sees you with your Able & Cole box (hypothetically speaking) plus other none essentials, he will want you to not just pay for your lifestyle.

Any help at all please DM me.

Best of luck.

CornishMaid1

That is exactly what I think too, makes perfect sense of the situation.

It sounds like it's in a trust and your FIL is a trustee,therefore gets to decide when to withdraw money (I'm in a similar situation.)

Tbh it's up to your dh to talk to his dad not you, this is bonus money and should be treated as such not a steady income. I'd have been pretty horrified if dh had started telling me he needed my inheritance!

OP - What would you do in this situation if there were no more inheritance left? Because whatever that is, you need to crack on and do it.
That inheritance isn't yours, stop factoring it in to spending and just be grateful you don't have the additional overhead of worrying about saving for yours kids' future. It's been done for you. This is a good thing.
Write down what you need DH to do.
Look around as much as you can for jobs a few days a week in school hours.
See if you can work out a reciprocal arrangement with a friend with kids at the same school so it won't feel like childcare.
Your problems are not insurmountable, it's all fixable but only if you "feel the fear and do it anyway".

Both actions look like someone who might want a divorce...clearly it doesn’t necessarily mean that, but he isnt working as a team with you, is he?

Yes this - and this is the main reason the OP may need more financial independence.

I"m astonished how many people think the answer to him lying about spending the money or simply changing his mind after spending the momney automatically be covered by the OP rather than by downsizing.

wish I guess we can't know if the DH really wants things the way they are now, or can't challenge his father to get his money and so has changed all all his previous plans for that reason.

It was poor of him if its the former, because he should have been transparent up front about the real implications of the new house, but I suppose it may be the case.

Essentially the crux of the matter is that as a household you cannot afford your current lifestyle. It happens.

Agree with PP on this. My mum was a SAHP until my dad was made redundant and we were at primary school she decided to up her hours then she was poorly and dad got a promotion and payrise so mum and dad decided together she would go back to part time.

Saying that both parents working is damaging to children is insulting. The same "household management" got done when mum and dad were both working or one only - because those things still have to be done. Just in less time or less convenient hours outside work. We lived in a house we would just about be able to afford to keep for a few months in case we had to downsize if a job was lost and it didn't sell straight away because we couldn't afford to save. We were all absolutely fine and it was just the way it is to us, not everyone is rich!

I have nothing against anyone being a SAHP - I hope to be for the first few years when I have children. But I will not live beyond my means. If my means change, so will my lifestyle. If I want to maintain that lifestyle or that level of income, I will have to find a way to increase the means to do so.

It's just real life. Propping up the present lifestyle with money from the past that was set aside to fund the future isn't living within your means, it's just putting off the time you'll have less to live on.

Aiming to get a part time job and seeing how it goes is surely a sensible first step? You might like it! You might make new friends and enjoy the work itself. You might feel more independent. You won't know until you try.

My parents living within their means (which sometimes meant one of them being a SAHP so that is not the issue for me) instilled in me a sense of self sufficiency, independence, budgeting skills and priorities.

We had, and still have, no safety net. Plugging the income gap with inheritance in the way you're discussing is not creating your own financial independence as a family unit. Personally I think basic budgeting is vital for kids to see and learn - If I want to do XYZ fun thing I need to earn xx more this month, or cut back on xx this month.

I really think you should try doing some part time work and not assume you'll hate it without giving it a go. Not even trying gives the impression you aren't a team player within the family.

Thank you very much for all of your feedback, even the painfully honest stuff.
For the record, I now work as a midday supervisor for roughly 10 hours a week including travelling time. I volunteer in prominent roles for two local community organisations and volunteer regularly with the school.
I am in my 40s with a good arts degree. I have always walked into any job I wanted, including full time parent. However, recently, I was rejected for more than one job without interview which has knocked my confidence. It has also made me reconsider my plan to use the children's inheritance now and reimburse them when I went straight back to a well-paid, full-time job.

We have a mortgage on the new, bigger house. FIL paid off our old mortgage to stop DH worrying about money but DH took the chance to move. I went along with it for his mental health.

The youngest child will be in primary school for at least another 5 years, although the older two won't be. I'm not going to spell out their ages.

The issues with FIL are lifelong. DH and I have been together over 25 years this Winter. DH is an only child and hates conflict with his father. His father is unhappy with the technical details around the money and asked for control of the account to resolve the issues, which DH agreed to. FIL does not like me to be involved in any of this as I am not blood family.

FIL and MIL have been wealthy for years, due to their hard work. However, they never spent, only hoarded it. Then she died. I thought DH and I were on the same page about using and enjoying the money while you can.

Is it possible that the MILs money was left in a discretionary trust with DH and the DC as beneficiaries and DH and FIL as trustees? In this case there is no allocation between the DH and DC, they are all entitled to have the money spent on them. If FIL and/or DH felt that the money was being frittered on eg holidays then the turning off the taps to preserve funds for the DC makes sense. But if this is right, then DH can’t demand ‘his share’ - he can apply to the trust for funds to cover particular expenses although it looks like he has agreed with FIL not to so that the funds are preserved for the DC.

OP, I've not read the full thread, but I just wanted to say I can understand your fear of going back to work, you want to be there for your little ones, but it can be exciting and stimulating to go back to work and it will teach your children that its nothing to be fearful of, that its a normal thing to do (perhaps you didn't learn this as your experience must have been different). It will give you more to talk about and I suspect it will make you feel a stronger person

I"m astonished how many people think the answer to him lying about spending the money or simply changing his mind after spending the momney automatically be covered by the OP rather than by downsizing.

I’m not saying that. My position is ...

They probably should downsize regardless.

If the DH doesn’t want to fund the OP staying at home anymore, regardless of why, then there’s very little she can do to force his hand.

You need to live within your means, and that means working. Inheritances and trusts really should only be used for one off or investment items (eg kids education. If your kids are now in full time school, working part time school terms is perfectly reasonable

I"m astonished how many people think the answer to him lying about spending the money or simply changing his mind after spending the momney automatically be covered by the OP rather than by downsizing.

You have added the it about him lying. That's entirely made up by you.

You are also ignoring that you totally quoted me out of context and refuse to answer why she wants the kids money, if her dh ia sat on loads of money?

Why is that?

@M3lon I agree. We dint know why he made that choice. Just that he has. His preffered option is for OP to go back to work.

We also dont know if he knew the implications of buy the new house.

As I keep saying if OP thinks he has loads of money left, why would she want to access the kids money.

It seems he doesnt have a lot of money left, which she knows. Which is why she wants access to the kids money too.

Either he is sat in loads of money and misled and changed his mind (in which case that's the money she should want access to not the kids)

Or she knows he doesnt have that much left, knew this is is how it would be, and wants the kids money to make up the shortfall.

OP I appreciate your honesty but I don’t think it will ever work using the DC money then paying it back - morals aside to do that you would need trust with FIL and DH and it sounds like that is a huge issue. You just can’t do it. And to force DH’s hand you do risk losing your whole marriage anyway. For money. Is it really worth that?

Honestly this thread.

The OP says

"I don't want to fritter away their inheritance but I think the disruption to them of me doing more hours is more harmful than borrowing some money now that I can give them back in a few years when I'll be able to do more hours."

It's the kids money she means.

She also says it's more than she could earn in 10 years. So how she plans to "pay it back with more hours" I don't comprehend.

Nowhere did it state he wants her to get a full time job. Just a job to bring in some money.

Nothing unreasonable about that whatsoever, especially when in another year the kids will be in secondary school.

OP, when my kids went to secondary, they cycled. They were home for less than 2 hours during which time they made a snack, started homework or chilled. They will be fine.

Your DH will need to do his share of parenting and housework.

It's what most couples do. At least start to look at what's available.

My sister retrained after 20 years at home. She is happier and the dynamic in her relationship is much better.

I thought DH and I were on the same page about using and enjoying the money while you can

It's not your money to use and enjoy . It's your kids! That's effectively theft.

And I thought you said you didn't do the midday supervisor thing any more.

Look op.no one is going to agree to you taking your kids inheritance to use and enjoy instead of you getting a proper job.

And hopefully that includes your husband.

i thought DH and I were on the same page about using and enjoying the money while you can.

But it’s not your money.

Given that your PIL worked hard to pass this on to their children and grandchildren I find your enthusiasm for ‘using and enjoying’ it (while avoiding working) somewhat distasteful.

You need to pay your way OP rather than spend everyone else’s money (your children’s/PIL).

We inherited three times. We did not move, have a dream holiday. It was left in property shares and stocks, we just ignored the capital in shares and enjoyed the dividends which were spent on our children, increased the property portfolio over time. We have now set up a trust for our children who are now all adults. They are now working with us to build on the portfolio which will benefit them one day. Their great grandfather downwards did the same, we have to hope this will continue.

OP it is not your money but family money, you do not work if your OH defaults on the mortgage of the home he insisted on having that is on him not you. Let them get on with it, they do not wish to involve you. If you had inherited your DH would have to live with your decisions.

So your father has control of the account? Is his name in the account? If anything happened to FIL what would happen to the money!

If I was your DH I would insist on taking back control of his own money. Your DH can spend his money how he likes but must protect the kids’ money.

You have a DH problem, not a FIL problem.

Mention to your DH that he may like to discuss with FIL the inheritance tax angle if the money is left in FIL’s name. If he dies within 8 years 40% of her money could disappear in tax.

Your DH doesn’t sound great with financial planning thought. A big hol but no thought about mortgage / running costs on a bigger house.

We are in the opposite situation where my DH had some inheritance which we then used to pay off mortgage and, through that lack of monthly outgoing, fund him to stay at home and bring up our child.

I don't think this actually has anything to do with sah v. working, it has to do with the apparently toxic relationship between the FIL and DH when it comes to money.

He really shouldn't be having his own life constrained by his FIL approach to money. He shouldn't have signed his assets over (if he has) to someone who won't respect his wishes when he wants to withdraw.

If the DH gets control of his money and he STILL wants the OP to work then they need to talk that through. Right now I don't think its clear that this is what he actually wants...just what he is forced into wanting by control of the FIL.

No one has a right to be funded by their husband.

Nor does he have the right to insist she goes to work. 🤷🏻‍♀️ But more realistically, they need to come to an arrangement that works for ALL the family, not one that places an unfair burden on one person. At the moment, the status quo is the one the DH agreed to. He can’t simply change it unilaterally and expect the OP to fall in line. Especially when he could afford to contribute more and won’t, or explain why.

I'm not surprised the FIL is like this towards you if this is your attitude. Your sense of "entitlement" to money that essentially has nothing to do with you. That money is from your husbands mother, not yours.

@M3lon nowhere does it say its avyoxic relationship or that dh is unhappy with not having access to it.

@BoneyBackJefferson oh my god 😂