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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my children's inheritance?

999 replies

BonyPony · 12/08/2019 10:20

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 13:53

After moving he decides he wants to keep his money in some mysterious uncontrolled account and she can fund the house move instead.

If they were not married he'd be described as a con man.

It is his money Confused

The OP has put herself in a very vulnerable position in relying on him.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 13:54

C8H10N4O2 there is a difference between lying and realising there is a future to plan for.

Again, why is the pp interested in her kids paying for their own childcare, if he is actually sat on a fortune?

Wanting access to the kids money is even worse in those circumstances.

I could just as likely say, op knew he was making decisions based on grief and allowed it to carry on because it benefitted her. She took advantage of his grief for her own gain.

That would be ridiculous and reading things that aren't there, just as much as you are.

They cant afford the outgoings. OP thinks the kids should pay for it instead of getting a job.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 13:55

@M3lon FIL did honour the will.

The dh arranged with his dad for his dad to look after the money.

MidweekObscurity · 12/08/2019 13:56

If DH has any inheritance left, FIL can't withhold it. The DC inheritance is down to whoever the Trustee(s) is/are.

It is all very odd. Paying off a mortgage to buy a house that stretches finances so much. I wonder how much went on the dream holiday. Downsizing really does sound like it needs to happen as well as the OP increasing her income. Perhaps FIL will help with the downsizing if presented with the facts and plan

Tennesseewhiskey · 12/08/2019 13:57

Its doesn't say anywhere that they would be forced to dip into the kids inheritance to carry out their original plan?

Except in the thread title and in posts where she is mad that FIL wont allow her to tap into the kids money do you mean?

justasking111 · 12/08/2019 13:57

Sell the home you cannot afford. DH is using FIL to fend you off. You are seen as the outsider e.g. not your family money so butt out. You cannot afford to live there unless you either step up and work or downsize your home.

MidweekObscurity · 12/08/2019 13:58

The OP did say about borrowing from the DC inheritance and paying it back, which really is a giant no-no.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 13:59

It is his money

Which he wanted to spend on upscaling. After upscaling he has withdrawn that money. He never had to move in the first place but having chosen to spend the money in that way he needs to stand by that agreement.

The OP has put herself in a very vulnerable position in relying on him.

There I agree entirely. Its one of many reasons why the OP may well be better off working more hours.

I've seen this pattern so many times - men are quite happy for their partners to be SAHMs when it saves them from the parenting load without really valuing or appreciating all the "wifework".

Then they decide they want more money for their mid life crises and the SAHM has to go out and earn it whilst still managing the full load at home never mind the actual availability of flexible work. I never see the men in this situation stepping up to take on the household load.

titchy · 12/08/2019 13:59

Essentially the crux of the matter is that as a household you cannot afford your current lifestyle. It happens.

Many of us find ourselves in the situation like that - redundancy, illness etc. Most people though would choose to either reduce their outgoings (e.g. downsize, move to a cheaper area), or increase their earnings (e.g. SAHP gets a job, both parents increase their hours or get second jobs). Those should be your go-to options - not spending your kids' inheritance. That's a pretty shitty thing to even consider tbh.

Particularly when your kids are 10 and older.

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 14:00

he needs to stand by that agreement

And if he doesn’t, what then?

The OP can hardly do much now can she?

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 14:02

Which he wanted to spend on upscaling. After upscaling he has withdrawn that money. He never had to move in the first place but having chosen to spend the money in that way he needs to stand by that agreement.*

OP was entirely part of that decision to move too.

You refuse to answer about why she wants access to the kids money if dh has so much left over?

Why would she want the kids money if there was loads of DHS money left?

Tennesseewhiskey · 12/08/2019 14:03

@C8H10N4O2 do you really believe that people cant change their mind if they realise they need to plan for the future?

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 14:03

She took advantage of his grief for her own gain

Oh now I've heard it all.

If it isn't him wanting the bigger house the answer is simple - downsize.

CornishMaid1 · 12/08/2019 14:04

Haven't RTFT but have read some and all of OP's updates.

There are two parts.

Firstly, the money for the children. They are under 18 and FIL is Executor. Executors are usually also the Trustee, so FIL is in charge of the money for the children until they reach 18 and inherit (or older depending on what MIL put in her Will). OP has no right to touch that money and it is disgusting for her to even suggest trying to steal from her children. However, FIL has the control so at least that is something.

The second issue is DH's money. Yes chances are under the Will as an adult he inherited so the money in that pension is DH's. However, FIL may not be withholding it - DH and FIL may well have had a conversation to say the money is doing well and to leave it there and FIL is managing it as his FIL and not as Executor/Trustee.

Given that DH has said that he wants OP to get a full time job, I don't think FIL is being the problem and has 'turned off the tap'. DH does not want to use HIS inheritance to allow OP to be a sahm to children who are all in school. It sounds like he does not want to finance OP and is not willing to use his inheritance to do so - the tap is not turned off by FIL, DH doesn't want to turn it on.

M3lon · 12/08/2019 14:05

wishihad wouldn't it count as financial abuse if you let someone look after your money and then they won't give it back when you ask for it?

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 14:05

do you really believe that people cant change their mind if they realise they need to plan for the future?

Not once they have already spent the money, no.

The time for that discussion was before they bought the house. He wanted a dream holiday and upscaling - he made that choice, he should stand by it not ask someone else to pay for it.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 14:06

Oh now I've heard it all.

You have purposely missed out the rest of my post.

I clearly said that would be making stuff up. As much as you are about him lying.

M3lon · 12/08/2019 14:07

My MIL has an issue with a financial advisor and the money her DH had left in shares after he died. Advisor kept saying 'its not the right time to sell' etc. but she was very stressed out by the existence of the shares and it took a while for her to realise that she needed to demand this person sell and hand over the money.

She eventually did - and donated most of it to charity - and is now happy.

The DH seems locked in that situation and unwilling to get himself out!

Tennesseewhiskey · 12/08/2019 14:07

The time for that discussion was before they bought the house. He wanted a dream holiday and upscaling - he made that choice, he should stand by it not ask someone else to pay for it.

Which op says she knows he was making decisions in grief. She still went along with it.

Things have changed.

As pp said, why would she want the kids money if he has loads?

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 14:07

DH does not want to use HIS inheritance to allow OP to be a sahm to children who are all in school

I agree. But he should have had that discussion with her before buying a bigger house, not said he would use the inheritance in that way and then back out of the agreement. If she had agreed to work more hours as a part of the overall move it would be very different.

Gingerbreadsonme · 12/08/2019 14:08

Hmm, as a few other posters have touched upon, I’d be worried about your husband’s plans for the future. He wants to keep the inheritance in a pot his dad looks after (away from matrimonial assets?) and he wants you to get out to work - reducing what he might have to pay you in maintenance? Both actions look like someone who might want a divorce...clearly it doesn’t necessarily mean that, but he isnt working as a team with you, is he? No decision about an inheritance would be made unilaterally in my marriage - because it’s a marriage, we’re a team.

And I work full time, so I’m not saying this because I’m rabidly on team SAHM like herculepoirot2

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 14:08

Which op says she knows he was making decisions in grief. She still went along with it

So she should pay for his mistakes? Why can't they just downsize then?

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 14:09

@M3lon not if you dont want it. Or you have done it officially giving legal powers to the other person

The dh doesnt want to access what is left.

OP wants access to that money and the kids.

Charging kids for their own childcare is financial abuse. They dont have the capacity to consent.

soveryconfused1 · 12/08/2019 14:09

The thread title is about the children’s inheritance.

Bottom line is that it’s unacceptable and would be theft to take this money.

Tennesseewhiskey · 12/08/2019 14:10

So she should pay for his mistakes? Why can't they just downsize then?

They should BOTH pay for the mistake they BOTH made.