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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my children's inheritance?

999 replies

BonyPony · 12/08/2019 10:20

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 13:30

No - and neither was my Nan. Speak for yourself

I don’t need to. I quoted the statistic upthread.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 13:30

The current upsizing conversation is in some ways totally irrelevant to her status as a SAHM

Its the cause of the current financial problems because DH upscaled on teh basis of inheritance and is now not using that inheritance to pay for it.

There are many reasons for the OP to benefit from more outside work but if I'd agreed to move house based on partner's wish to use his inheritance in that way and was subsequently told "no I'm keeping that money you can pay for it instead by working longer hours" I'd be pretty pissed off with them.

If she had agreed to move on the basis of her changing work pattern it would be different.

Benes · 12/08/2019 13:30

Being a SAHP is a luxury.... clearly a luxury you can no longer afford.

Childcare can be beneficial and certainly nothing to be scared of.

You should not be using your children's inheritance to fund you brinia SAHP. They will not suffer if you get a job. They'd actually benefit as they still get their inheritance and a more financially secure household.

Benes · 12/08/2019 13:32

*being a SAHP

Chamomileteaplease · 12/08/2019 13:33

I've only read your posts OP but I am assuming you mean that you would like DH's inheritance to be given to him not the children's.

No one would advocate you using your children's inheritance. That is for them when they are 18.

But yes for god's sake get your dh to be firm with his FIL and get his own money to come through now when you want it.

Shame you have overstretched yourselves but this money would help wouldn't it?

Also, you going back to work is a whole new subject and your husband probably doesn't understand what effect it would have on his life if you did so. He probably believes that the house would magically run itself even without you. So divvy up all the things that need doing and give him half in a list in black and white and see what he says then.

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 13:34

Its the cause of the current financial problems

It may be a trigger, but that doesn’t particularly matter. The arrangement only continues so long as DH is happy with it. Once he ceases to be (for whatever reason) he can withdraw it.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 13:35

It may be a trigger, but that doesn’t particularly matter. The arrangement only continues so long as DH is happy with it. Once he ceases to be (for whatever reason) he can withdraw it.

Because he’s in charge, because he earns the money? 🙄

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 13:37

herculepoirot2 you are determined to insist people just dont like sahm.

If both people are not happy with the sahm situation AND you cant afford it. Then it has to end.

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 13:37

Because he’s in charge, because he earns the money?

Because the arrangement has to be mutually agreed.

No one has a right to be funded by their husband.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 13:37

It may be a trigger, but that doesn’t particularly matter. The arrangement only continues so long as DH is happy with it. Once he ceases to be (for whatever reason) he can withdraw it

Even when he lied to the OP about how the new house was to be funded? This is the really salient point - he wanted to move based on a sum of money which he now withholds and expects teh OP to cover. Sod that for a lark.

Because he’s in charge, because he earns the money?

Apparently so.

CleanAndPaidFor · 12/08/2019 13:38

The stable door is swinging in the breeze. Tumbleweed is drifting gently across the yard. @BonyPony 's arse is a pin point on the horizon. Ladies and gentlemen, the OP has left the building.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 13:38

No one has a right to be funded by their husband

That works both ways. He doesn't have the right to expect teh OP to fund his inflated choice of lifestyle either.

soapona · 12/08/2019 13:39

Is your marriage happy? I'm asking as this is the sort of advice my friends solicitor gave her to ring fence the inheritance to avoid it being a matrimonial asset.

AlexaAmbidextra · 12/08/2019 13:39

I've only read your posts OP but I am assuming you mean that you would like DH's inheritance to be given to him not the children's.

She absolutely means the children’s money. Read the thread title.

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 13:40

Even when he lied to the OP about how the new house was to be funded? This is the really salient point - he wanted to move based on a sum of money which he now withholds and expects teh OP to cover

None of that matters. He doesn’t want to fund her anymore. She doesn’t have any rights to it.

Up to her what she wants to do about him over stretching and lying.

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 13:41

He doesn't have the right to expect teh OP to fund his inflated choice of lifestyle either.

She can leave him if she isn’t happy with his behaviour.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 12/08/2019 13:42

You need some legal/financial advice. Your FIL didnt pay off mortgage you DH inheritance did....what happens if FIL dies. Is money tied up in bonds? You need clarity where money is ie my kids have about 40k between them in 'bonds' (easiest way to explain it) that cant be accessed for another 10 years so no point in me thinking about what I could do with it. Money simply not available and when it does mature it wont go to me. So you need to know what is DHs and what is childrens

loobyloo1234 · 12/08/2019 13:45

@herculepoirot2

I don’t need to. I quoted the statistic upthread.

43% of women is not 'most'

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 13:45

Even when he lied to the OP about how the new house was to be funded? This is the really salient point - he wanted to move based on a sum of money which he now withholds and expects teh OP to cover. Sod that for a lark.

He didnt lie. He is trying to save the money.

And if he has money in inheritance just say there, why on earth is the OP expecting it to come out of the kids money?

That's even worse.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 13:46

She can leave him if she isn’t happy with his behaviour

So he does what he likes, lies to her about how the new house is to be funded and if she doesn't like it she has to leave? With the kids or without?

Sorry this is ridiculous. You are really saying that DH's should be able to overspend, lie about funding it and if women don't like it they have to pack their bags and leave or do as their DH tells them?

Crikey I thought we had progressed since Victorian times.

AhNowTed · 12/08/2019 13:46

Having one parent SAHP is a luxury, one which the OP clearly cannot afford.

Times have changed radically since our mothers stayed at home.

The cost of a mortgage, security of employment. I know only 2 couples who could afford this arrangement. Those days are gone, and in the OPs case by her own admission they can no longer afford it either.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 13:49

So he does what he likes, lies to her about how the new house is to be funded and if she doesn't like it she has to leave? With the kids or without?

Where is the proof he lied.

He could have just realised, when the grief wasnt as bad (op admits she knows the holiday was booked through grief, same with the house) that they needed to plan for the future.

Or that money is all but gone.

Again, if the dh has money why would the OP even contemplate the kids funding her to stay at home?

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 13:50

Sorry this is ridiculous. You are really saying that DH's should be able to overspend, lie about funding it and if women don't like it they have to pack their bags and leave or do as their DH tells them?

Well what options do you think are open to he

How should she be forcing DH to finance her if he doesn’t want to?

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 13:50

He didnt lie. He is trying to save the money

The OP says he wanted to use the money to upscale precisely because his DM handn't "enjoyed" the money. After moving he decides he wants to keep his money in some mysterious uncontrolled account and she can fund the house move instead.

If they were not married he'd be described as a con man.

Decisions like this should be taken jointly and both parties live with the consequences. Not have one party pulling the promised funding and expecting the other to cover the shortfall. I would wager the decision also had something to do with ringfencing the money from matrimonial assets.

M3lon · 12/08/2019 13:52

Wow- this thread is nuts!

The OP and her DH made decisions based on the money he was set to inherit. Now they can't make good on their commitments because the FIL is not honouring the will.

The DH should take control of his own money and then they can continue as they planned.

Its doesn't say anywhere that they would be forced to dip into the kids inheritance to carry out their original plan?

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