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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my children's inheritance?

999 replies

BonyPony · 12/08/2019 10:20

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

OP posts:
Jeezoh · 12/08/2019 13:02

You need to forget about the inheritance, it’s not yours to decide what to do with. You do need to start taking ownership of your family’s finances though and not rely on other people to contribute what you don’t want to.

Your family needs more money, you’ve got the means to earn it but are relying on some pretty weak arguments to justify why you won’t get a better paying job.

C0untDucku1a · 12/08/2019 13:03

My mil is 75, moved into a role she could work from home in her 50s andnis still working on occasion.

Philmitchell · 12/08/2019 13:03

Jesus christ get off your lazy arse and get a bloody job. Get some financial independence and make some money of your own. Not setting a very good example for your children are you.

QualCheckBot · 12/08/2019 13:04

I have to say OP, you do sound like a person who would really benefit from the discipline of paid work and from getting out of the house and interacting with other people more.

Soontobe60 · 12/08/2019 13:04

@herculepoirot2
I am shocked and horrified at the attitudes to SAHP from people on this thread. Surely most of our mums were SAHP? Were they just scroungers, too?

Speak for yourself. Both my mother and grandmother worked all their lives, GM from the age of 13, until she retired at 75. During the two world wars, most women worked too. Some only stopped when the war ended and were no longer needed.
Choosing to be a SAHP is a luxury most of us cannot afford, but is also a choice many women don't want. They want to be independent financially from their partners, not reliant on their handouts. And why should fathers get to spend less time with their children because the house have to earn more? We do not live in the Dark ages, and are not Stepford wives.

AJPTaylor · 12/08/2019 13:04

My dh was left money by his parents. We spent half. The rest is saved carefully as a fund of last resort. My would absolutely get a job rather than touch it.

mordecaithomas · 12/08/2019 13:05

@Philmitchell jealous of your tag name 😂

wijjjy · 12/08/2019 13:06

I'm guessing, but I think that the OP is being deliberately unclear about the nature of the money because it is not an inheritance (to them) at all. There hasn't been a mention of the sort of situation (trust) where an inheritance would be administered by someone else.

In my opinion, the most likely explanation is that the FIL inherited and the MIL had asked (but not willed) the FIL to give this sum of money to their son and grandchildren and he has done so but is not spending it as the OP would wish.

It sounds like the FIL would be very unlikely to allow her to spend capital to run a home.

So it's not even the children's money, it is the FILs, but has been promised to the children. So she's whistling in the wind to expect it to fund her lifestyle.

However, the OP or her husband need to make sure that the children's money is not used up in long term care fees, but gifted or put in trust for them.

JayDot500 · 12/08/2019 13:07

OP, get a job. That's what parents do when they live beyond their means. Family dynamics change but if that's the agreed way forward, get DH involved and embrace the change. Or downsize.

The only concern you should have re your childrens cash is that FIL actually gives it to them at some point, as per your MIL's wishes. Sounds like your DH has used up all or most of his cash.

The end.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 13:08

Soontobe60

I obviously said ‘most’, not all. Given that the information available online suggests that ‘The employment rate among women of ‘prime working age’ (aged 25-54) is up from 57% in 1975 to a record high of 78% in 2017’, I am clearly wrong, and it is a significant minority rather than a majority of our mums who would have been SAHP. Not Stepford wives; just women working in the home. Not a source of shame or a target for insults.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 13:09

not reliant on their handouts.

I simply don’t see it that way and I am surprised and saddened that so many women see caring for their children as on a par with begging.

Schuyler · 12/08/2019 13:11

It’s unclear how much money left actually belongs to the DH...

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 13:17

I simply don’t see it that way and I am surprised and saddened that so many women see caring for their children as on a par with begging.

No one said that.

But being at home and charging your children for it, isnt ok, either.

SilverySurfer · 12/08/2019 13:17

I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.

If it's more than you could earn in ten years, how do you propose to pay back what you want to spend of their inheritance? Doing so because you don't want to work is unacceptable. Maybe your DH would like to swap for a few years? You become financially responsible for the whole family while he works his fingers to the bone doing the housework. After all he would only have 35 hours a week - just like you.

The bottom line is that it's not your money - go get a job.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 13:20

No one said that.

Handouts? Lazy? Get off your arse and get a job? Your poor DH?

Er, yes, they did.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 13:22

Maybe your DH would like to swap for a few years? You become financially responsible for the whole family while he works his fingers to the bone doing the housework. After all he would only have 35 hours a week - just like you.

This would only be meaningful if this were the arrangement being proposed. It isn’t. Her DH is insisting she returns to the workplace but - oh, wait, guess what - she’ll still be doing the housework.

AsTheWorldTurns · 12/08/2019 13:24

You do sound pretty grabby. Sorry.

Get a job and outsource everything that your husband refuses to do, even if it's cooking. He'll get the message.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 13:25

Handouts? Lazy? Get off your arse and get a job? Your poor DH?

Yes. Because she is wanting the kids to pay for her staying at home and they cant pay their outgoings.

Not because she is is a sahm

Vilanelle · 12/08/2019 13:26

So what exactly does your job as a SAHP involve if you say you are rubbish at it? And not to mention the kids are almost teenagers.

It is NOT your money and i'm not surprised FIL is cutting your DH off.

This has to be a joke thread

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 13:27

*Yes. Because she is wanting the kids to pay for her staying at home and they cant pay their outgoings.

Not because she is is a sahm*

Bollocks. The comments I am referring to do not imply she is unreasonable only in wanting to borrow the kids’ inheritance. They imply she has no right to expect her DH to contribute any of his. They imply being a SAHM is the same as sitting in your house for 35 hours a week doing fuck all. They imply she is lazy for not working. None of that has anything to do with where the money might come from.

Userzzzzz · 12/08/2019 13:28

There seem to be a whole host of issues here.

  1. on the fiances, I’d download a copy of the will and see what the situation actually is. If it is DH’s outright then you should be able to discuss what to do with it rather than getting permission from the fil. You shouldn’t be contemplating using the children’s for everyday expenses.

  2. you seem unduly anxious about childcare. There is massive difference between you upping your hours to suddenly doing a 50 hour a week plus job. Some posters have been quite nasty about the role of a SAHM for older children. I think there is still huge value in having someone around for older children but if you are not managing financially, there is a lot you could do without your kids being in childcare all the time.

  3. you’re struggling being a sahm at the moment with older primary children. Most would see you as having a lot of time during the day to manage so it would be worth exploring why you’re on the edge and if there are wider issues of confidence etc.

mummmy2017 · 12/08/2019 13:28

Can you say how much of your DH share is still held?
Was the money willed to DH and your children, if so then I would ask for DH share.
Where is it held? It should be in an account for each person.

saraclara · 12/08/2019 13:28

I'm 63. My mum worked as soon as my brother was 5 and at school. And did bits of work from home when we were younger (and the occasional PT work when my grandmother or a neighbour could look after us)

I was mostly SAHM (though did bits of supply teaching until my older daughter started school Then I worked part time until the youngest started, when I went full time.

I didn't know anyone who was a SAHM throughout the whole of all their children's primary education, never mind into secondary.

RollingRedHills · 12/08/2019 13:29

OP do you think your DH has told you that FIL has control of his and your children's money to stop you pestering him to give it to you?

loobyloo1234 · 12/08/2019 13:29

I am shocked and horrified at the attitudes to SAHP from people on this thread. Surely most of our mums were SAHP? Were they just scroungers, too?

No - and neither was my Nan. Speak for yourself

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