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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my children's inheritance?

999 replies

BonyPony · 12/08/2019 10:20

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 12:47

Imagine how angry you would be as an adult if you found out your mum spent your inheritance so she didn't have to work!

I know right?

I'm appalled by the fact that the OP would think this is okay.

soveryconfused1 · 12/08/2019 12:48

But having a non-working parent is a luxury that not every family can afford

I disagree with the notion that being a SAHP is a luxury. When they are very small, yes, it’s completely understandable and for many, preferable, to be a SAHP. To that extent I agree you are in a privileged position if you can choose whether to work or not. But once children reach school age, I think it’s a bad example to set. As a pp said, we’re not living in the 50’s anymore. The idea of being financially dependent on anyone is abhorrent to me.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 12:49

The OP essentially wants to charge the kids for their own childcare

How anyone can defend this, is beyond me.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 12:49

No, its direct consequences of their choices. He is working

So is she, she just isn't paid for most of it. Did you miss the part where the DH had planned to use his inheritance to pay for the upscaling and then changed his mind about it? She may well have agreed to his wish to spend his DM's money on a better house, she didn't expect him to then change his mind about it after they had bought the house. So she didn't choose this situation - he did.

PookieDo · 12/08/2019 12:51

@soveryconfused1

I agree there is a fine line between SAHP and just ‘unemployed’ when your DC are a certain age. Which is why even unemployment benefits do not count school age children as a reason not to find a small job

saraclara · 12/08/2019 12:51

The lump sum left to your DH & your DC is THEIR money. Personally, I wouldn't regard any inheritance left to my DH as mine and we've been married 20 yrs

Exactly. OP, you seem to consider this money to be yours. And none of it is. Not a penny.
I really don't see why you should be the sole person benefitting from it. Which you would be if your only reason for asking for access to it is so you don't have to go to work.

Butterymuffin · 12/08/2019 12:52

We need to deal with our issues if its impacting those we love.

Totally agree @WishIhad and that's what I advised the OP too. I just don't get how posters think shouting 'this can't be real!' or 'lazy scrounger, get a job!' will help.

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 12:52

So she didn't choose this situation - he did.

The current upsizing conversation is in some ways totally irrelevant to her status as a SAHM.

Her husband was happy to fund this in the past. Now he isn't. So it comes to an end.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 12:52

So is she, she just isn't paid for most of it. Did you miss the part where the DH had planned to use his inheritance to pay for the upscaling and then changed his mind about it? She may well have agreed to his wish to spend his DM's money on a better house, she didn't expect him to then change his mind about it after they had bought the house. So she didn't choose this situation - he did.

Yes she was part of it. She knew get another large mortgage wound be a struggle. If the I hertiance was huge, they would have still being mortgage free.

Right now, they dont need unpaid work at home. They need paid work.

Again, her dh cant have that much money left. If he does, it's even worse that she is contemplating using her kids money.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 12/08/2019 12:53

Did yr MIL leave the DGCs money in trust until they reach a certain age and yr FIL is trustee? If so the money is not accessible to you at any time as it is your childrens, not yours. You cant access it.
Whilst its unusual for yr DH to surrender management of his own inheritance to his DF, I can understand your DH doing it if he was concerned you would both fritter it away.
You should discuss with DH why he felt he needed to hand over control to his DF and talk about what is holding you back from putting your own career plans in place for your own financial security (based on a fulltime job) rather than being dependent on HIS or DCs inheritance

Bookworm4 · 12/08/2019 12:53

I think there is a lot of nastiness here, the OP has stated repeatedly DH inheritance not stealing from her kids.
I think paying off a mortgage to then get another one was incredibly daft, also you say you’re a rubbish housewife and barely manage; I do have to ask what on earth are you doing all day? You have DC who are not toddlers and it’s not rocket science running a house.
Maybe that’s another reason your DH wants you to work because you’re not doing much at home?
On the other hand if you want to stay at home, work part time , make a better effort in the house and perhaps use a small amount from his inheritance each month to help.

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 12/08/2019 12:53

Your children's inheritance should not even be mentioned, it is not your money, it's to be used for driving lessons, uni fees, towards a deposit for first home etc. As for your husbands money, that is for the two of you to discuss, it could be used for a once in a lifetime family holiday, a nest egg for retirement not necessarily for you not to work.
When my youngest started reception I got a retail job, working 10-2 weekdays so could still do school runs and worked weekends when my husband was home, my kids are getting older, my son is about to go into yr10 so now helps with pick ups if needed so on occasions I can do more hours.
We still really struggle with both of us working but just think of the interest all that money will be earning, when you do get it it will be worth more

Piffle11 · 12/08/2019 12:53

First of all I think you need to tell DH that if you are going back to work, then he needs to do his fair share around the house, and school runs. Make sure he is fully aware of what he would have to take on. And please stop acting like spending the DC's money is something you're doing 'for them', so that they can still have you at home! I guarantee they won't be adversely affected by having to go to an after school club or have someone look after them for a short while after school. In years to come, when your DC realise that they can't afford to go to uni, or they can't put a deposit down on a flat because you spent the money their DGM left them - so that you didn't have to work … well, that's not going to end well.

AlexaAmbidextra · 12/08/2019 12:54

I am a fairly rubbish housewife and we get by on a wing and a prayer.

How can you only just get by if you have five days a week to yourself at home? What on earth do you do with all those hours? Presumably you don’t live in something the size of Chatsworth House? So you don’t want to get a job but you can hardly manage the housework? You’re making it sound like you’re just bone idle tbh.

peachgreen · 12/08/2019 12:55

So is she, she just isn't paid for most of it.
I'm the first to defend SAHPs - looking after little ones and the house is exhausting - but OP's children are at school for most of the day. Can a house genuinely require constant work from 9-3, five days a week?

LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses · 12/08/2019 12:55

Do the organized mum method (google it).

Totally off-topic - but I just did google it thinking it could be helpful. They don't half expect you to try and do a lot in half an hour! For example, the living room windows would probably take most of the half hour on their own, though I do hoover the visible parts most days (pets...). And change all the beds as well as hoover and dust the bedrooms?

Good lord, how quickly does she (I assume it's a she) think I can work - plus who changes all the beds on the same day, think of the washing difficulties in the winter. Presumably the writer has a tumble dryer...

I assume I'm missing something, but I think I'll carry on as I am. Messily Blush

Anyway the OP is BU to want to spend her childrens money. But, if her DH wants her to work more hours he needs to pull his weight in the house and with their children.

Bookworm4 · 12/08/2019 12:55

Also, can OP please realise it everyone has a ‘career’ and ‘earning potential’, a huge amount of people work at minimum wage jobs, don’t have degrees etc and are happy doing so, not everyone can aim for a 6 figure salary. The arrogance and snobbery of women towards another woman is not nice to see.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 12:55

I just don't get how posters think shouting 'this can't be real!' or 'lazy scrounger, get a job!' will help.

Well a mother wanting her children to fund their own childcare, does sound unbelievable.

Wanting to continue to stay at home and have your kids pay for it, does say a certain something about them.

She knew, she would return to work someday. Why she hasnt worked towards thos is very odd.

And she should get a job.

I wouldnt call her a scrounger. But do think its shocking to want your children to pay for you to stay at home.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 12/08/2019 12:56

Get a job!

SoupDragon · 12/08/2019 12:57

.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 12:57

I think there is a lot of nastiness here, the OP has stated repeatedly DH inheritance not stealing from her kids.

Look at the title. Look at the ops annoyance that fil isbt letting them tap the kids money. She has clearly said she wants access to that as well.

Which is why I presume there iant that much of DHS left.

OP has no right to tap the kids money.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 12/08/2019 12:58

Ah, come on now OP. Whichever way you frame this you want to use money that was never intended for you, to maintain a lifestyle that is unsustainable on your current income.

Your DH does not want to use the money left to him for you to continue being a SAHP, he has made that clear by asking you to get a job, so you have two options:

a) cut your cloth and live within your current means; or, b) get a job.

Your reasons are far too wishy washy, all I can hear is 'but I don't waaaaant to'.

I don't want to fritter away their inheritance but I think the disruption to them of me doing more hours is more harmful than borrowing some money now that I can give them back in a few years when I'll be able to do more hours. No. If they are at primary school you wont be disrupting them, it will be a couple of hours max per day like god knows how many kids is not going to harm them, thats bollocks. And 'borrowing' from savings/lump sums for living expenses is a bad idea as it means you can't afford to pay it back!

I have my own issues. My own mother was disabled and always at home until she died when I was 18. I am terrified of childcare and desperate to avoid it for my kids. Yeah, well I got stung by a bee when I was a kid but I don't shit myself every time I see a garden. Why in god's name would you be scared of childcare? You do realise you get to pick who looks after the kids, dont you? They don't randomly allocate an ogre. Plus your kids are not babies, they are primary school age, they're capable of telling you if they hate it.

There's just nothing you've said that could possibly justify spending money that wasn't meant for you in the first place on living a lifestyle you can't afford.

C0untDucku1a · 12/08/2019 12:59

My mum is 75. She was never a sahp. She worked evenings when my dad got home.

PookieDo · 12/08/2019 12:59

She’s not even doing the housework though she has said she isn’t very good at it

This is why everyone laying into the DH is weird, he may well already be at the end of his tether. He’s lost his mother. He was grieving. Now they are struggling financially. OP is not utilising her time at home to help the family very well. OP does not feel he steps up but it sounds like this is now a battle where he doesn’t want to do more, because he clearly already feels stretched. He’s not going to see why he has to ‘step up’ if home is already chaotic and he’s trying to work to pay the bills and OP isn’t doing either. I also will champion a SAHP who is doing a great job of keeping her family organised and happy but I grew up with a DM who didn’t really want to do this side and it is so frustrating to live with. And selfish

gamesanddaisychains · 12/08/2019 13:00

My MIL left a number of bequests in her will. Under the terms of the will, the money left to the younger members of the family has to be left in trust until they attain the age of 18, this is managed by the executor. As far as the family (including us) are concerned this is a normal arrangement.