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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my children's inheritance?

999 replies

BonyPony · 12/08/2019 10:20

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 12:33

I don’t understand the notion of being a SAHP for school age children

Holidays, before and after school, general running of the house etc all of which makes life much easier for the WOHP. Honestly I'm surprised how little value is put on SAHP's contributions to growing families here sometimes. (and the OP has a job so not sure if that really applies here)

That aside, deciding whether you’re going to be a SAHP should be a joint decision. Op’s DH wants her to get a job

I agree it should be a joint decision. The DH was quite happy for her to take on the burden of home and childcare when it suited him, now he wants her to change because if his push to step up the lifestyle. That doesn't sound very joint to me.

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 12:34

DH now doesn't want to spend his inheritance

And he has that right.

Being a SAHP only works with the blessing of the partner who funds it. Sounds like he's had enough.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 12:34

That she admits she cant can only just keep on top of, despite having most 30 hours a week to do it. No way does she spend 30 hours a week, in time time running a house and only just able to keep on top of it.

I don’t much care how good a housewife the OP is. It’s only going to get harder if she goes out to work as well.

lonelyheartsclubband · 12/08/2019 12:34

I wonder what the poster does between 8-3 Monday to Friday 🤨 house can't need cleaning that much, surely?! 😂

soveryconfused1 · 12/08/2019 12:34

It's not the 1950s anymore. Trying to justify a woman not working by saying oh well she needs to do the housework is cringe worthy.

Completely agree with this.

Also, by the OPs own admission, she struggles to keep on top of the housework. So what does she do all day? Definitely something odd going on.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 12:35

No. Regardless of what op says, she is an adult and she went along with this

That goes both ways though - he also chose the current situation.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 12:35

I am shocked and horrified at the attitudes to SAHP from people on this thread. Surely most of our mums were SAHP? Were they just scroungers, too? 🙄

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 12:36

Being a SAHP only works with the blessing of the partner who funds it. Sounds like he's had enough.

Which is fine. He can start stepping up at home and then the OP can find more work outside to support his desire for change.

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 12:37

he also chose the current situation.

Sure, but he can't be forced to support her lifestyle if he doesn't want to.

Obviously a separation would put a different slant on it.

LovePoppy · 12/08/2019 12:37

Why did you buy a house you can’t afford without working/ using inheritance?

If i were Cynical I would suggest that this is your husband’s plan all along.

Cornishclio · 12/08/2019 12:38

For goodness sake primary school children can cope with some sort of wraparound child care. I would most certainly not spend my childrens inheritance by staying at home when all your children are school age. Sets a rotten example to them too. That is my view though and some SAHP maintain they cannot work. I have little patience with that. I had to work part time to cover bills and our mortgage. My husband did not have a 9 to 5 job and no family living nearby. I coped working 4 days a week and 7 hours a day. Childminders, after school clubs or even a friend to collect them on a reciprocal arrangement works fine for most people. Frittering an inheritance on paying bills is ridiculous. Also the longer you are out of work the harder it will be to get a job. Or are you planning on never working again?

Everanewbie · 12/08/2019 12:39

As regards the DCs' inheritance, OP needs to know how much this is and the terms of the trust so that she and DH can make decisions about it.

Said decisions cannot involve spending it, or borrowing from it for their own benefit.

AlexaAmbidextra · 12/08/2019 12:40

Awaiting the delete message. Hmm

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 12:40

Sure, but he can't be forced to support her lifestyle if he doesn't want to

But he chose their current expensive lifestyle. Should the OP have gone along with it? Probably not but she comes across as lacking much confidence and he was going to fund this with his inheritance then changed his mind and now expects the OP to fund it instead.

Their current problems are a direct consequence of his wish for more and then changing his mind about paying for it.

Vasya · 12/08/2019 12:42

Surely most of our mums were SAHP?

What makes you say that? Both of my parents worked and I can't think of a single person I went to school with whose parents didn't both work.

That said, I don't think it's right to bash SAHP. Families should do what works for them. But having a non-working parent is a luxury that not every family can afford, and it seems that OP is in that situation if she's considering using her children's inheritance to fund it.

Her (ethically sound) options are either to reduce outgoings, possibly by moving to a smaller or less expensive to run house, or to work. As a family they need to decide which option is better.

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 12:42

But he chose their current expensive lifestyle

Personally I think they should be downsizing on top of everything else. But the OP is at least as guilty as him in terms of choosing a lifestyle they can't afford.

PookieDo · 12/08/2019 12:42

I can understand when DC are small but no way would there be 30 hours of housework shopping and admin in between school drop off, be realistic. She is not at home with any DC for most of the year. This is about irrational/trauma reasons for not getting a job not because she would be over worked

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 12:43

I am shocked and horrified at the attitudes to SAHP from people on this thread. Surely most of our mums were SAHP? Were they just scroungers, too?

My mum was a sahp until I (youngest) started school She wanted a certain level of lifestyle that dads wage couldnt support. So she worked.

Not that complicated.

OP isnt getting shit for being a sahp (though you have been shitty about working parents) but because she has made financial decisions, along with dh, that domtnwork for her whole family and wants her to access the kids money to fund her being a sahp.

That's shitty behaviour being a sahp no longer suits the family. Because they cant afford their out goings.

At least the husband is trying to make better plans long term.

lonelyheartsclubband · 12/08/2019 12:44

I am shocked and horrified at the attitudes to SAHP from people on this thread. Surely most of our mums were SAHP? Were they just scroungers, too? 🙄

No, but I bet they weren't demanding to use inheritance 😂

peachgreen · 12/08/2019 12:45

Imagine how angry you would be as an adult if you found out your mum spent your inheritance so she didn't have to work!

MamaGee09 · 12/08/2019 12:45

You say that your dh won’t step up but if he wants you to work then he needs to step up. You are a team. My dh relishes the time when I go to work as he gets to spend time with the kids without me, they watch movies, they do homework, they play games and he gets them to bed. He sounds been doing it since they were babies and they are now teenagers.

I couldn’t I imagine not working.

Motherontheedge1 · 12/08/2019 12:45

You can't guarentee to pay back the DC inheritance from future earnings anyway. What if you or DH were unable to work for some reason. Far too risky even if the intention is there.

QualCheckBot · 12/08/2019 12:45

But he chose their current expensive lifestyle

I don't know whats that expensive about it. A mortgage-free or partially mortgage-free house with normal household bills for 2 adults and 3 children (sorry I found the OP's posts so confusing that I can't make out which it was). If you can't afford to live on that with one SAHP then that SAHP has to go out and get a job to help.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 12:46

Personally I think they should be downsizing on top of everything else

Oh I agree entirely. I also think its in the OP's interest to get more outside work but not because she should be funding a change which DH wanted and had the money for which he now won't spend.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 12:47

Their current problems are a direct consequence of his wish for more and then changing his mind about paying for it.

No, its direct consequences of their choices. He is working.

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