DH just exploded.

[SallyBe]

Our cat peed in a cupboard.

We've just moved house and she's not really settled. She generally uses the tray but there's an odd time she'll do it elsewhere. I've been trying to create a calm environment for her.

He exploded. He was shouting saying "I'm going to fucking kill her" and was slamming doors. It really scared me.

He's normally a calm person but had been under a lot of work stress recently. He's just gone in a rage, flooded the kitchen whilst trying to fill a mop bucket and stormed around the house for 20 minutes. I'm in the kitchen and he's gone and sat in front of the TV now. No apology. The cat is terrified, hiding under the bed.

Aibu to feel this way? I know cat pee smells and is hard to get out but I feel like he has over reacted.

He's not carrying everyone else! And if he feels he is, he is dealing with his stress badly - and dangerously - by letting it pile up until he explodes in this awful way. either he chose to rage and shout - in which case - nasty; or he had let the stress pile p without dealing with it until he lost control - dangerous ( to everyone around him and to him too. And the fact he hasn't apologised shows he is still either punishing OP (I think this is likeliest) or still not in his right mind.

He either needs help, or he needs to apologise. He does not need 'slack'

How can people compare compare it to a toddler peeing?

We have children and they've puked, pooed and peed all over the place when they were little. It wasn't pleasant but it came with the territory of being a parent.

However I'm not biologically programmed to nurture cats or dogs and I would feel upset if an animal did this in my house too. I'm not an animal owner and never will be. Other people's animals are cute but not cute enough for me to handle the mess that they bring.

OP I wonder whether you should consider asking Mumsnet to move this to relationships? Much as I love cats this isn’t really about the cat. Your DH sounded like he massively over-reacted and you sound scared. Best case this is very unusual because of work/ Moving stress in which case he needs to find a way of dealing with the stress which doesn’t mean him being horrible to you. Worst case this is an extreme version of the way he usually treats you which is really nasty - and you need others wiser on me from here to help you think about it. Whichever it is this definitely isn’t a reasonable way for him to behave - and sending you unmumsnetty hug

Him or the cat? Not even a tough one at all. If a partner/ boyfriend husband threatened an animal of mine it would be the man out on his ear, not the animal. Why would you keep someone in your life who feels it's OK to take their anger out on a living being more vulnerable than they are. It's not a quality I look for.

What @Milkywayfan said OP.
Stressed or not he's being vile and taking it out on you, for a situation that is not your fault. He's not saying it as a joke.

Your DH sounds deranged, I would have cracked my DP in the balls with a rusty bra strap for that behaviour, especially where my cats are concerned.

You'll just have to get rid of it.

Then you and your cat can live in peace

It's not about the cat. It's about the fact you feel you need to walk on eggshells round this man to keep him 'calm'. I think you need to have a think about whether this relationship is good for you. You actually have a far better idea about that than you believe you do. You weren't happy that your father shouted and ranted...why accept similar behaviour in your adult relationship when you don't have to?

I think the majority of the conflicting replies are split between people who've actually read your posts properly and absorbed the context, and people who haven't.

Plus the usual unhelpful people who post stupid shit because it's anonymous. And some people for whom abuse is "normal" who'll be used to stuff like this and won't see the issue - and I have to be honest that it seems like you fall into that category too, which is why you've put up with stuff like this and why you're so confused and conflicted right now.

Op, if you want a better source for you to decide whether or not this is normal maybe take a look at www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It's just information to help you assess things for yourself - they explain what healthy relationships look like and what unhealthy, controlling/manipulative ones are like. It could give you peace of mind and help you address anything that isn't quite how it should be.

You have the full picture about your life, they have the knowledge to give you the extra puzzle pieces you need to form your own view and feel confident in it. They have no vested interest in you deciding either way, it's just about giving you information.

I also honestly think I could not be in a relationship with a man who would threaten animal abuse in anger, even if he ‘wouldn’t actually do it’. Well he’s reacted in this kind of way who says the next time he has an outburst he won’t actually harm the animal??

^This. I can’t imagine my DH saying this about a pet (and our dog has done far more disgusting things than piss in the house). I would find it really frightening if he did.

I would monitor him from now on, keep a detailed log of incidents

Aw poor cat, mine would have to be really desperate to pee inside the house. Cats are very clean animals and would not naturally pee inside. She must have been terrified. Could you get a cat flap?

But, I agree with most - your problem isn't your cat, it's your DH. Flowers for your OP

Your DH is behaving like a nasty vile arse. Whether that's an over reaction due to major stress & he's gone into meltdown mode & so it is very worrying in that way, or he is a nasty bully, only you will know, but no this is a huge over reaction

& frankly if my own DH ever threatened to kill my cats in such a way he would be out in his ear, there is absolutely no need or excuse for cruelty & it's something that will make me look at someone in a completely different light. I once ended a longish relationship because he stamped on a beetle & gloated about it. He suddenly became very ugly to me & out he went.

He needs to address his behaviour & get help. This is not on

As for the cat pee, yes not pleasant, but easily resolved. Our old cat was epileptic, so it was something we had to deal with regularly & this is what works best...

Spray the area with hydrogen peroxide. Sprinkle with bicarbonate of soda. Leave overnight or 8 hours at least & hoover away. No more smell, dry & disinfected 👍🏻

Jesus he sounds fucking unstable

Biggest exaggeration ever.

Wanker! ✊✊💦

I don't think he means that he is just annoyed because of the mess.

Cat's can be annoying when they do destructive things.

Why is the cat peeing all over the place. Is she neutered?

@WhoReallyCares - aw you beat me to it!! I was coming on to say just that one word. However, there are too many people on here minimising it, sticking up for him - I've lost my temper at an animal before and I am ashamed of it; of course if it soils and you're at your wits end you'd get upset, but its not then ok or justified. Losing your rag at a cat doesn't become ok at any time under any circumstances.

I think men that behave like this with animals will do it with kids as well - I presume you don't have DCs, OP?

It’s really not the biggest exaggeration ever. He clearly is, on some level, unstable

What an idiot. I’d be waiting for a big apology and a promise to address his anger.

Sallybe, tell us about the other situations in which you’re walking on egg shells with him.

I can’t see how people can justify this angry man’s behaviour. All 3 are stressed about the move, but it’s the angry man’s prerogative to lose it and have the woman pick up the pieces. I wonder who’ll be the one cleaning up after the cat? It won’t be lovely DH will iit.

Poor cat is probably very stressed with the move.

Your H is an unpleasant dickhead.

I would get rid of the cat. Human relationships are far more important.

Does he ever lose his shit at work and rant and rage and stomp and swear and threaten to kill things in front of his boss? Thought not. Just his wife and a little cat.

Tell him the cat will wee everywhere because of his pathetic childish rage!
Cats are highly emotional and they need time to adjust to anything new, even decorating and new furniture.