DH just exploded.

[SallyBe]

Our cat peed in a cupboard.

We've just moved house and she's not really settled. She generally uses the tray but there's an odd time she'll do it elsewhere. I've been trying to create a calm environment for her.

He exploded. He was shouting saying "I'm going to fucking kill her" and was slamming doors. It really scared me.

He's normally a calm person but had been under a lot of work stress recently. He's just gone in a rage, flooded the kitchen whilst trying to fill a mop bucket and stormed around the house for 20 minutes. I'm in the kitchen and he's gone and sat in front of the TV now. No apology. The cat is terrified, hiding under the bed.

Aibu to feel this way? I know cat pee smells and is hard to get out but I feel like he has over reacted.

Yes he has overreacted but people under stress do that. He's been under stress at work, you've just moved house, as PP's have said it sounds like the straw the broke the camels back, especially as you say he is normally calm.

(i would love to live in one of these perfect MN families where no where ever reacts to stress in any negative way, shape or form, or never slams a door or swears in frustration, must be lovely . Best tell dh to leave me now before i slam another door or shout Fuck because i stood on a bit of lego)

i doubt he actually means hes going to kill her, its just an expression of the frustration hes feeling, give him time to calm down, he'll know he's overreacted. Telling him to calm the fuck down like pp suggest, yeah right, thats really going to help someone whos already not calm ffs.

SallyB no i this is not normal behaviour if as you say work pressures are getting to him can you see if you can talk to him about that a lot of men will try to keep that sort of thing to themselves and they do not like to admit to any weakness, it sees thats drilled into them from the word go but this dosent bode that well for your happiness longer term let alone the poor old cat;!

He's obviously not upset about the cat. As you said he's under a lot of stress. Instead if you to approach him and offer support, you're worried about the feeling of a cat. I sure hope the cat will help you pay your mortgage since that's where your priorities lie.

I do offer support. I work full time too; I'm also stressed. I would never take it out on our cats though.

I feel so stupid. People are saying conflicting things, and I should know if his reaction was okay or not. I don't know.

I think people are jumping to conclusions here.

Just because he got angry about the cat pissing in the house ( not for the first time) doesn’t mean he’s abusive to op.

He probably hasn’t apologised to you because you’re not the one who pissed in the cupboard

As ever with these threads, you will get people coming on to say that shouting, stomping, aggressive, angry men are 'normal' ((while simultaneously wondering why they suffer from anxiety, mental health issues, are on anti-depressants, etc).

It absolutely is not normal.

It's not OK to behave / react like this.

Everyone has stresses and pressures. Only people with serious issues freak out and get so stupidly angry over something like this.

DareDevil

I'm not an indoor animal type of person tbh, but would never wish any harm.
I was just thinking if OP dh was the same and had been talked into having a cat, this may be the reason he got angry twice. OP said it had happened before.
I don't condone him losing it. I'd lose it too, but couldn't condone it. It's the thought of animal pee where I live, it's disgusting and minging.

It seems extreme, but I think it needs to be looked at in the context of his behaviour generally.
When his anger has subsided is he willing to discuss it with you, will he apologise for going over the top?

It's not a normal reaction. I came home once to a few piles and vomit and cat diarrhoea. Was I happy about it? No
Was it my cats fault? No, he was unwell
So I went outside and went "arghhhhhhhh!!"
Then came back in, and cleaned it up, and reassured the cat who was really distressed by it because they are incredibly clean creatures

Seriously, I've just rescued a cat that had been kicked out for weeing in the house. I had him in my bathroom with puppy pads down and he weed, frantically tried to cover it and then cowered behind the toilet. It was heartbreaking. After a vet trip, he has a kidney infection and is now happily using a tray again. So he's been living on the streets for months because of it when all he needed was antibiotics

I can't and won't stand cruelty to animals. There would have to be a hell of a lot of "context" for me to forgive this because for me there is no excuse. I don't give a flying fuck what stress he's under. And if he was ever cruel like this again it would be the end for me. The animals don't understand and they can't speak up for themselves.

Dons hard hat but I dunno. Cat pee is grim and would annoy me an animal pissing in the house. Yuk.

Obviously he shouldn't frighten the Cat, But people lose their shit sometimes and its more the straw that broke he camels back.

I have a house full of animals, cant pretend I haven't lost my rag sometimes and had a rant to myself stepping in cat shit in the kitchen with no shoes on

Have none of you read OPs update where she said she is often afraid of her husband when he is angry?????

OP that is not normal and you are right to feel upset. Honestly, when you post on here you are often just mentioning the topic a huge iceberg. If you often avoid talking to him because of his temper then you need to think is this how you want your life to be?

Its not OK for him to lose his rag in such a way that you are scared of him OP. That is not OK. Whatever the reason. If he knew how much he'd scared you would he care?

Oh my God! I am just realising how seriously messed up my family must be.
We have all shouted and probably banged doors at some point.
I think the difference is that we aren't scared of each other, we just let emotions out rather than harbouring resentment. Italian style.
What would happen if you shouted back at him?

I feel so stupid. People are saying conflicting things, and I should know if his reaction was okay or not. I don't know.

I wouldn't worry about whether it's normal or not. You don't like it, and that's a perfectly valid reaction. I'm under a high degree of stress for various reasons right now but I wouldn't take it out on my animals, or any humans I know. Sure I might have a fuckety fucking fuck swearing session but it's at life in general, not directed at another living being.

It's your decision and your choice. I don't like violence and aggression, whether or not it's "just" verbal. Like pp this was my father's go-to response and it was followed by violence. I'd put this together as part of a bigger picture, because although we're all allowed to get stressed and anxious, personally I think we should have the self control not to take it out on a cat.

There's a difference between a snapped or muttered 'oh, FFS, that bloody cat' while getting the cleaning things and cleaning it up while sighing a bit and stomping around the house for twenty minutes (!) shouting and slamming and flooding the kitchen and then uttering a perfectly calm and possessed threat to kill ('I'm going to watch the news and if she does it again...').

People making excuses for this man are clearly missing the post in which the OP says she has felt it better to keep her mouth shut before so as to keep the peace.

self possessed, not possessed.

No excuse for reacting the way he did OP. As others have asked though was the cat a joint decision? How long have you had it? This is why I don’t have indoor pets couldn’t be bothered with the possible accidents indoors on top of having children to look after and work etc and as a family we agree on this.

He needs to know his anger isn’t acceptable though, do you feel able to speak to him about it? Or would he minimise it?

Not quite the same thing, although our various pets through the years have done all sorts of damage/smells/stains.. Yesterday one of my dogs managed to run back into the house with poo attached 😬 jumped onto the sofa and left it there! After a loud "bloody hell ddog!!" DH came into the kitchen and said "she's bloody trailed a clinker onto the sofa", then got a poo bag and disinfectant and poddled off to clean it up leaving her sat on the sofa feeling no guilt whatsoever! That is a reasonable reaction from a reasonable man.
Please don't accept your husband's behaviour as normal - if he's that stressed he needs to do something about it.

I'm sorry but there have been times in my life I'd have struggled to keep it together, while, after constantly busting a gut to keep the humans in my life alive and happy, a fucking animal pissed in my house and I was supposed to consider it's "feelings". Ok. that's why I don't have animals. I would never bring something sentient into my house, to live, that I coudln't love. But that's because I don't want to be him. The cat is too much for him. He's carrying everyone else. And .... a bloody pissing cat? Give the guy a break. Cut him, or the cat, loose

Baking powder is good for neutralising cat wee.
Not sure what you do to neutralise borderline abuse.

Sleep in another room for the moment. With the cat x

I don’t care what stress he is under with work, he should not be acting like that. I would not accept anything less than a sincere apology and a plan of action to reduce his stress levels as clearly he is not coping and his behaviour is unacceptable

You don't have to put up with behaviour that makes you uncomfortable even if other people don't mind it. Set your own boundaries, if angry shouting and not liking your cat really bother you then you don't have to stay just because other people are fine with that or because he helps you pay the mortgage or any reason. Set your own boundaries it's your life and you get to choose who you spend it with.

And how many times has he urinated somewhere he is not meant to?!?

He’s done it loads of times and in all manner of different places! The majority of men have flopped it out and had a wee somewhere that isn’t a designated toilet and the rest of us have suffered the stench of it at some point or another. Walls, shop fronts, alleyways, pavements, car parks, other people’s gardens, fences, stairwells... you name it, they’ve had a cheeky piss there at sometime or another!

I would gently remind him that people in glass houses should not throw stones or rather, people who piss in places they aren’t meant to should think twice about being so unjustifiably righteous.

That’s quite a reaction you have described, if this is genuinely out of character then maybe talk to him about it when he’s calmed down. Tell him how he made you feel. Is the cat yours from before you met him?

Use diluted white vinegar on the area or she may go back there.

I also honestly think I could not be in a relationship with a man who would threaten animal abuse in anger, even if he ‘wouldn’t actually do it’. Well he’s reacted in this kind of way who says the next time he has an outburst he won’t actually harm the animal??