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Original poster

To confront SIL's about exclusion of DD?

288 replies

CorkNight · 11/08/2019 20:00

DD is 14. She has 2 aunties on her dad’s side and 3 uncle’s. Today she came up to me and asked if me or DH had fallen out with either of the SIL’s. I said no and asked why and she showed me a Facebook post of one SIL’s. Both SIL’s, SIL1’s DD16, SIL2’s step DD’s 12 and 14 and one of my BIL’s DD15 were all on the Eurostar. They are going to Paris and come back Wednesday. SIL described it as a “girly holiday”. There are a couple of other nieces via BIL’s but they either are at uni or have young DC so they are irrelevant. DD was confused as to why she wasn’t invited. If it was just SIL1 and SIL2 with their DD’s I could put it down to a sister trip but they have invited BIL’s daughter and SIL1 posted about how she can’t wait to spend time with her nieces.

DD has been invited to trips with her aunties in the past and I’ve always paid for everything and DD has always had a nice time. But things have been strange with DH’s family for a while now. We moved in June and I made a groupchat of all the siblings (DH doesn’t bother with Facebook) and said “Who would be up for a house warming on X weekend?”. Only of the SIL’s replied and said “If we have nothing else on we’ll come x.” Needless to say housewarming never happened. On weekend me and DD were shopping in the city and DH rang to say a BIL had popped round. I said “Oh we’ll come home then and say hi.” and then DH said “Oh well he’s going in a minute.”. Soon after that some of DH’s siblings went to a festival and we weren’t invited.

DD’s exclusion from the Paris trip though has really twisted the knife in. She loves her aunties and cousins. She’s had an awful time with bullying and exlusion from friends at school (her aunties know this) and so her mental health is already in tatters and so to be excluded by her family as well has destroyed her. I confided in my sister about it damn near tears and my sister has been lovely and has arranged to treat DD on Friday. The thing is, DH doesn’t seem arsed about any of it. He just says “Well we couldn’t afford to pay for DD’s Paris anyway.” Which is completely besides the point and as she’s had such a shit time lately I’d have scraped together the money for her to go and have a nice time with her cousin’s. DH denies it but I think we have done something to upset his family (honestly can’t think what) and they have spoken to him about it but he doesn’t want to tell me. He hates conflict and is a bit spineless so rather than go “Okay I’ll speak to my wife about it and see if we can sort this.” he’d just avoid it and keep us seperate.

I want to get to the bottom of this for DD’s sake more than anything, she keeps saying “Well I must just be bad company so why should they invite me?”. This has really damaged her. Would I be unreasonable to contact a SIL? “DD has seen you have gone away without her and is very upset, she’s already having a hard time as you all know and is devastated that she’s been excluded by her aunts who she adores. I suspect me or DH have done something which has upset you all and you have spoken to DH about it but you know what he’s like and he won’t tell me. Could you please tell me what the issue is so we can sort it and I can tell your heartbroken niece that it’s not her?”.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 11/08/2019 20:22

Agree that you should wait until they return as well, and be breezy with DD until you know what is going on. Have you ever been away with them before?

Caterinaballerina · 11/08/2019 20:22

I’d maybe hold off asking until they get back so that they don’t decide while away that you’ve committed some crime of causing unpleasantness while they are away. If they have left your DD out on purpose they deserve to feel bad while away but I’m just thinking of ways to strengthen your position when you ask.

S1naidSucks · 11/08/2019 20:23

I would tell your husband straight, that if he doesn’t get to the bottom of it and give you a satisfactory answer, then you will deal with it yourself. I wouldn’t be fucked with him being more afraid for his sister’s feelings than his own child. Is it possible he’s been whinging about you to the in-laws and they’ve taken it to heart? I discovered my ex bil had been whinging to his brother for years about his partner, just for the attention. It’s pathetic attention speaking behaviour.

LagunaBubbles · 11/08/2019 20:29

I would definitely ask, but do it in person rather than via message.

ChuckyMonkey · 11/08/2019 20:31

I would send the message.

As it stands now you don't really have anything to lose.

Likelihood is your DH has at least an idea of what the issue is but is unwilling to say. TBH even if he did say I would tell him I was still discussing it with the SIL's in case he was sugar coating the truth (either to save your feelings or to spare his own blushes).

ScottishJo31 · 11/08/2019 20:33

I would definitely send the message but wait until they get home as you/ your daughter may get blamed for any drama it causes.

Winterlife · 11/08/2019 20:36

You need to tell your DD it has nothing to do with her, and you've noticed they've been cool to you and DH. She is just collateral damage to whatever set them off.

I would just cut ties with them.

WhyBirdStop · 11/08/2019 20:37

Wait until they get back, shorten the message and don't make reference to their 'heartbroken niece'it's passive aggressive.
Just say "DD saw your girls' trip on FB and was disappointed not to be there, I'm worried DH or I may have inadvertently upset someone and if so would very much like to sort things out. Apologies if you've already spoken to DH he says nothing is amiss, but I know he can bury his head about these kinds of things."

category12 · 11/08/2019 20:38

Wait until they come back.

It may be wisest to talk face to face with one of them - the most sympathetic/friendliest one.

RhiWrites · 11/08/2019 20:38

I would not send that message. It’s so manipulative referring to your daughter as “heartbroken” and blaming them for this.

I’d leave DD entirely out of it and ask whoever you’re closest to in that family of you’ve done anything to upset them and leave out all the guilt tripping.

Fairenuff · 11/08/2019 20:39

Good idea to run it by DH first as it might force him to fess up.

cunningartificer · 11/08/2019 20:39

Just because you’re family, it doesn’t mean you have to do everything together. Your DD wasn’t the only niece who didn’t go, from what you say. I think perhaps you’re overthinking this a little. I wouldn’t send that message with the direct ‘have we offended you ‘ line as the accusations of ‘excluding ‘ seem rather harsh to me. Especially as your DH seems to think you’d have struggled to pay for it anyway—did he perhaps mention that to his sisters? Invite them to something nearer home with a definite date to check

WhyBirdStop · 11/08/2019 20:39

The other explanation could be that is they know DD isn't in a good place with her MH that they thought you wouldn't want her to go as she'd struggle, but didn't want to make things worse by asking her and she's then told she can't go

Wishihad · 11/08/2019 20:42

You can speak to your 'heartbroken' daughter. explain it's not her
You suspect something else is going on and will speak to them when they are back and see what's going on.

Tbh if you senr me a message like that while I was away, I wouldnt respond. Especially if it turns out they have spoken to your dh.

I would decide I couldn't be arsed with your dh or you and the drama.

fedup21 · 11/08/2019 20:42

I don’t think I would say anything at all-sounds like they had their hands full on the trip as it was.

Two adults have taken their own children and one additional 15 year old-I would have assumed that they didn’t want to take any extras. Is the ‘spare’ 15 year old really good chums with one of their girls?

If things have been ‘strange’ between you and them for a while, I wouldn’t have expected much else.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 11/08/2019 20:45

You’ve no choice. You have to say something. If you don’t it’ll just explode eventually in any case.
Even there had have been an argument that wouldn’t have been your dd’s fault

Ohmygoodnessreally · 11/08/2019 20:45

If he knows and he’s not saying, even though he can see how upset your dd is, that’s awful of him.

Boysey45 · 11/08/2019 20:46

I wouldn't be asking or sending them any messages you wont get an honest answer even if you have upset them.
I'd just cool it with them and encourage DD to make new friends away from family and school.

Fink · 11/08/2019 20:49

I would phone SIL after they get back, not message because that's easier to ignore or consult with others and come up with a BS response. Call and be open and friendly but be clear that you just want to know what's gone wrong.

NoSquirrels · 11/08/2019 20:52

Don’t guilt trip anyone. Just get in touch with a more neutral message, perhaps adding you’re worried you’ve upset someone and DH hasn’t said, so you’d live to make sure there’s no hard feelings somehow. And then organise something with the cousins/nieces so your DD can have a nice time.

GiveMeSleepAndEvenMoreWine · 11/08/2019 20:52

I would definitely have to discuss this with them and get to the bottom of it. It is one thing to be cold towards adults (who may or may not unwittingly upset another adult) but to exclude a child is mean spirited

BrendasUmbrella · 11/08/2019 20:52

Well if your DH hates conflict, tell him you are going to phone his sisters and find out what the problem is. At that point he should tell you, or risk making it all worse.

Original poster
CorkNight · 11/08/2019 20:53

Yes maybe message in my OP is too agressive. Won't send that but was just angry when I typed it up.

Will probably wait until they come home and ring SIL1 (she's the nicer of the 2) for a chat.

DH still being useless. Just keeps telling me and DD to forget about it. Have told DD I'm certain it's not her but she struggles to believe that when DH is dodging my questions. Prick.

OP posts:
NameChange84 · 11/08/2019 20:57

I was the excluded relative and I know how much it hurts so I am not being at insensitive towards your DD in anyway but can I just check some details?

Your husbands sisters have taken their own children and one of their brother’s children away? Is that right? Your daughter isn’t the only niece who isn’t away? And there are 6 of them in total? Perhaps the brother’s daughter was included to make up numbers for room sharing etc? 7 would have created problems with that...as a party of three I often struggled to get one room for us all in France.

I don’t think your DD has been deliberately excluded at all. Perhaps helping her to re-frame things and see that she’s not being punished in any way and not the only niece that’s not away might help her. As I say, I’ve often been deliberately excluded by family and was bullied to and I found it clouded my thinking so that, even when their was a totally rational explanation I always jumped to the “I’m unlikeable, everyone must hate me” version of the truth. Most often, as I got older, with a counsellor’s help I saw that I was actually wrong and things were not being done deliberately.

thecatinthetwat · 11/08/2019 20:58

I’m not getting why you or your dd would expect to be invited on the trip. It doesn’t sound as though you’re close.

They didn’t want to come to your house warming which they made obvious. It doesn’t sound as though you get on. Does your dd get on well with her cousins?