To confront SIL's about exclusion of DD?

[CorkNight]

DD is 14. She has 2 aunties on her dad’s side and 3 uncle’s. Today she came up to me and asked if me or DH had fallen out with either of the SIL’s. I said no and asked why and she showed me a Facebook post of one SIL’s. Both SIL’s, SIL1’s DD16, SIL2’s step DD’s 12 and 14 and one of my BIL’s DD15 were all on the Eurostar. They are going to Paris and come back Wednesday. SIL described it as a “girly holiday”. There are a couple of other nieces via BIL’s but they either are at uni or have young DC so they are irrelevant. DD was confused as to why she wasn’t invited. If it was just SIL1 and SIL2 with their DD’s I could put it down to a sister trip but they have invited BIL’s daughter and SIL1 posted about how she can’t wait to spend time with her nieces.

DD has been invited to trips with her aunties in the past and I’ve always paid for everything and DD has always had a nice time. But things have been strange with DH’s family for a while now. We moved in June and I made a groupchat of all the siblings (DH doesn’t bother with Facebook) and said “Who would be up for a house warming on X weekend?”. Only of the SIL’s replied and said “If we have nothing else on we’ll come x.” Needless to say housewarming never happened. On weekend me and DD were shopping in the city and DH rang to say a BIL had popped round. I said “Oh we’ll come home then and say hi.” and then DH said “Oh well he’s going in a minute.”. Soon after that some of DH’s siblings went to a festival and we weren’t invited.

DD’s exclusion from the Paris trip though has really twisted the knife in. She loves her aunties and cousins. She’s had an awful time with bullying and exlusion from friends at school (her aunties know this) and so her mental health is already in tatters and so to be excluded by her family as well has destroyed her. I confided in my sister about it damn near tears and my sister has been lovely and has arranged to treat DD on Friday. The thing is, DH doesn’t seem arsed about any of it. He just says “Well we couldn’t afford to pay for DD’s Paris anyway.” Which is completely besides the point and as she’s had such a shit time lately I’d have scraped together the money for her to go and have a nice time with her cousin’s. DH denies it but I think we have done something to upset his family (honestly can’t think what) and they have spoken to him about it but he doesn’t want to tell me. He hates conflict and is a bit spineless so rather than go “Okay I’ll speak to my wife about it and see if we can sort this.” he’d just avoid it and keep us seperate.

I want to get to the bottom of this for DD’s sake more than anything, she keeps saying “Well I must just be bad company so why should they invite me?”. This has really damaged her. Would I be unreasonable to contact a SIL? “DD has seen you have gone away without her and is very upset, she’s already having a hard time as you all know and is devastated that she’s been excluded by her aunts who she adores. I suspect me or DH have done something which has upset you all and you have spoken to DH about it but you know what he’s like and he won’t tell me. Could you please tell me what the issue is so we can sort it and I can tell your heartbroken niece that it’s not her?”.

I can’t understand why he’d decide not to tell you something that is now affecting all of you so much. It’s genuinely baffling. How bad could it be?!

Fedup - can't quote or tag on app sorry - I never said they should have taken her but the OPs DD is upset regardless of whether they 'should' have or not. If the OP gets back info that it was harmless and just not thought of rather than malicious, then it's fine, isn't it? The issue here is that the DD feels excluded intentionally and I think it's fine to clear up that that isn't what's happened.

Honestly OP, I don't think the trip is your problem. Your daughter's anxiety is. There will be many future occasions where a similar situation happens and you trying to explain this occasion away isn't helping her develop the resilience to cope.

It must be heartbreaking to see her so upset, but I can't see you solving this for her helping her in the long run. Is she having any treatment for her anxiety and are there any calming / confidence building exercises you can do with her tonight to help her out things in perspective?

Maybe BIL asked when he came round and D H said you couldn't afford it. He probably didnt want DD to know and completely forgot that photos would appear on SM

That's awful. I totally see why you are annoyed on your daughter behalf. I understand that maybe because of room sharing etc there are practical reasons so may not have been invited. But the most have known when they posted it on fb that she would see it. That's mean. U dont have to put everything online. They should have been able to see that she would potentially feel left out and not posted it or discussed it in front of her. No matter what you and dh have or haven't done it shouldn't affect your niece. I think they maybe just organised it last min and had space for one extra and happend to take bil child maybe thinking next time they would take your dd. I doubt very much they have deliberately not included her to make her feel left out.....if they have they aren't worth knowing. Reassure your dd it's not her. She cant be invited to everything. Her aunt is love her. And organise a day out with her cousins for her when they are back so she can reconnect with them and see they love her. The house warming thing was just rude. Who replies saying "if we have nothing else to do" they dont seem very nice tbh.

Oh for fuck sake, why are you not playing this down to your daughter? Get a grip OP, stop feeding into dramatics and actually suggest that when they come back all the cousin's can do something.

You have ignored everyone calling you out and suggesting this as it's obvious you'd rather play a victim and not make effort.

Yes your child is upset, but manage her expectations and get her to understand this in a nice manner and suggest they all do something soon.

Is it possible that your husband had told your bil that you couldn’t afford it, so not to mention the trip away? After all he did tell you that you couldn’t afford it. Maybe your Sil have been told that your child can’t go and are none the wiser about what has happened.

Talk to the mum of the other girl on the phone, not text, as pp have said. Do stress that it's fine to tell you the truth, you just want to know.

invite the nieces to yours for pizza or a lovely day out. Give them some shared experiences.
Do this too.

She is wrecking her head trying to think of what she's done and keeps thinking of tiny things that she thinks have made her family hate her.

Did you tell her that maybe it’s because she (or in fact you) haven’t reciprocated? That’s the most obvious reason. And you can focus on rectifying it rather than seriously alientating yourselves further with this ott behaviour.

Also, do you genuinely suspect that your dh has been involved in this somehow or knows something and won’t tell you. That’s absolutely insane. If you really think him capable of this then you seriously need to rethink your relationship.

So, I did text BIL's wife who said it was a last minute trip and her DD was only asked last week. She also said she doesn't think they meant anything by it and that she will ask her DD to send a nice text to my DD if she would like.

Of course... that’s why you don’t text. You can’t hear the tone. You have been blown off. Also you will now never know if DH has upset family.

Great, so why don't you make some effort with them now and plan a day out for all the cousin's? Or are you going to continue letting others do all the effort and then complain if your daughter is not invited.

This is the perfect opportunity for you to make a change and it seems you do not want to do anything at all.

I wouldn't be surprised if they do feel like you take the piss, surely you can make some time for their children too?

So, I did text BIL's wife

I give up.

So you chose not to listen to all the advice. You will not get to the bottom of it. And to top it all off your poor DD who is already in a state is about to get a pity text from her cousin

If the issue was that they don't think I make enough effort, why blow me off about the house warming? That was my attempt to try and be more proactive in the family and none of them responded. I even said to them all "I think DD will really enjoy seeing all of her cousin's and we can have a bit of a do." No response whatsoever.

True op, could it have been too little too late?

Also maybe it should be specifically for the cousins, which is what we’re really talking about.

Yikes, you’ve blown it op. You shouldn’t have texted, should have waited and called. Now she’ll get her daughter to send a ‘sorry pity’ text she won’t mean and you’ll be accused of ruining their trip with your drama. You should have just focused on telling your daughter it’s not her that’s the issue. I speak as someone who has anxiety.
You’ve made it worse - she’s blown you out with that reply. 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's never ever a good idea to whine to people that they have left you out of things. Please don't teach your daughter to be a whinyarse. No one likes whiners. And no one benefits from being included just so they don't whine.

What if I was to invite the nieces round for a pizza night through their mum's (DD won't as confidence shattered and I don't have their numbers) and get blown off? Also I don't think DD would want me to anyway at her age. This issue is bigger than just DD and her cousin's, the whole family blows off any of my attempts to talk to them. Nobody responding about house warming party, me wanting to come home from the shopping trip early to see BIL who had popped round only for him to rush off. When we visit MIL (she has dementia) each week I used to contact the siblings afterwards and talk about the visit because DH doesn't bother. Would always say stuff like "She was in good spirits today and we had a lovely conversation about X". Used to get lovely responses to that which eventually stopped so I stopped sending them as I felt well maybe it's not my place and DH should be doing it. But he won't.

This has been going on a while and the trip is what has really upset me as it's now affecting my DD. I'm getting too worked up so I'm going to go to bed now and sleep on this.

I accept either me or DH or both have us have offended them somehow but I don't know how to sort it if I don't know what it is that has gone on.

Op, it’s not a bigger issue, it’s a separate issue.

You don’t have to be the one to ask them, as you say dd can do that. But you do have to be the one to arrange it with your dd, because you have to agree to buy them pizza and a film or whatever.

Is your dd usually arranging things/ inviting friends or cousins round or for a cinema trip or whatever? Is money an issue?

Could you take this opportunity to help dd to think about some nice things that she could invite people to / arrange. Could you find a budget for that? I’m wondering if you’ve dropped the ball on this a bit, somewhere along the line. Time to have a re-think maybe.

Clearly, there’s something going on. To me, it’s likely that because you never reciprocate, they’ve just given up asking. It’s frustrating that you expect people to make plans etc but you by your own admission don’t.

So now you sil is going to contact them while away and tell them they have upset dd.

And get someone to send a nice text? How will that help?

I don't think reciprocation has got anything to do with it. They would've gone to the housewarming if it was that.

Something happened around the time you moved house. Could DH have borrowed some money to help with the move, and not paid it back, or something? Stole money from his mother with dementia? That would be serious enough to warrant their behaviour.

But, you need to get your daughter off social media. If you'd done that earlier, she wouldn't have seen the updated posts about the holiday.

Your husband is being an utter, utter failure as a father in choosing his own comfort over his daughter's wellbeing and self esteem.

He is electing to stonewall and stick his head in the sand because he would rather her (and you) be distressed and excluded and disrespected and doubting yourselves instead of him feeling the minor, temporary discomfort of taking action to address the issue - whether that action be apologising for an error, or defending his family to his relatives.

I would ask him what kind of man and father he'd like to believe himself to be, then tell him to stop being a coward and tell the truth.