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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be jealous ? He said he's going out on the prowl?

156 replies

rachyrachy · 11/08/2019 18:59

I started to see a guy a couple of months ago he is a friend of a friend.
He just got out of serious relationship and I told myself I was happy with casual.
I've developed feelings for him and I thought he had for me (he texts daily all the time )and in person seemed really into me and caring.
He's made it clear he isn't in the right head space for serious and labels and if I try and ask him he backs away.
He text me today telling me Friday night he is going out with his friend who has just been dumped and he's friend is in the prowl.
I didn't want to ask if he was so I sent a jokey reply saying
"Ha ha enjoy prowling,if you can't be good,be careful)
He replied "careful is my middle name)
That hurt,I was looking for some sort of reassurance and he offered none.
Tbh I think I'm done now because I want someone that I'm enough for.
Aibu here to be hurt?
He's played mind games with me for months now and it hurts.

OP posts:
Pinkout · 12/08/2019 09:35

He’s a classic fuckboy, literally speaking directly from the fuckboy handbook. Block and move on, this will only end in tears.

Original poster
rachyrachy · 12/08/2019 09:36

@Youaremysunshine6 he is 37 nearly 38
I'm slightly younger than him

OP posts:
Original poster
rachyrachy · 12/08/2019 09:37

@Youaremysunshine6 I think that's the worst bit
Thinking he might enjoy my company but I'm not good enough to be with.

OP posts:
Youaremysunshine6 · 12/08/2019 09:38

@rachyrachy god he needs to grow up!!

Seriously cut your losses, your self esteem will thank you!

Do what I always ended up doing and take pleasure in YOU being the one to decide it’s not good enough. The wording a pp suggested earlier was great - be honest but hold your head high.

Youaremysunshine6 · 12/08/2019 09:41

@rachyrachy that might be the case but it doesn’t mean you’re rubbish or not good enough. I’m sure there’s plenty of guys you enjoy talking to or spending time with and find attractive but for whatever reason you haven’t wanted to be in a relationship with? Whether it’s a ‘spark’ or just timing/circumstances.

Also why look at it from that perspective? Why not think, he’s not good enough for me, why would I want to waste my life on someone who is so hot and cold and half arsed? He’s lost you by being non committal - too bad!

Beesandcheese · 12/08/2019 09:41

That's grim. Rate yourself high enough to be honest about what you want (I don't recommend anyone who describes themselves as on the prowl).

Beesandcheese · 12/08/2019 09:43

You're hanging on for crumbs of affection and sincerity from someone who is seeking notches on the bedpost and bawdy tales to share with social media.

keepingbees · 12/08/2019 09:45

If he really liked you enough he would want to be in a relationship with you, simple.
To be fair he's been clear and honest with you. He likes you as a casual date/friend with benefits nothing more.
You want different things, for your own sanity cut contact and walk away.

LuciaSpain · 12/08/2019 09:51

I don't want to sound like I know it all but I've been there OP, many times in the past. I stayed in these situations, I only hurt myself. I stayed as I had my own issues which I eventually worked on.

OP you need to look at why you are putting yourself through this. He has been clear, like a few guys in my past, I didn't listen and I caused myself much hurt. Take control of your own life, leave him be. You will find happiness a lot quicker, I can tell you that for sure.

Best wishes to you.. x

Sandybval · 12/08/2019 09:52

@rachyrachy I don't think he sees you as not good enough to be with as he does spend time with you etc. I think he wants his cake and to be able to eat it; the positives of a relationship without the responsibilities or restrictions ie he can justify to himself seeing other people as you are just casual. He has been open and honest though, and although some of his actions such as the dates appear to contradict this, I would take it at face value and accept where you stand with him. Probably best to decide whether you want to carry on and accept that you'll never be together and he will be off doing as he pleases her with who he pleases; or move on and find someone who will commit, you deserve better :)

notacooldad · 12/08/2019 09:56

His friend is" on the prowl '
Bloody hell, does he drive a cortina and wear a sheepskin jacket? He sounds like a night stalker!!!
Well you can judge a person by the company they keep and this guy doesnt sound like the one for you
" enjoy prowling!" What the hell??

Smelborp · 12/08/2019 10:01

I think the ‘enjoy prowling’ message was an odd thing to send - you gave your blessing for him to go on the pull which he could well have been confused by. Just move on though. Life is too short for this.

makingmammaries · 12/08/2019 10:05

Someone upthread suggested backing off for a couple of weeks. I’d do that. If he asks why, say you’re not comfortable with the prowling. See his reaction. If it doesn’t make him pull his socks up, LTB.

Skittlenommer · 12/08/2019 10:08

Why I'm confused is why have been out on dates,more dates than we've slept together.
When we speak daily it's about normal things and I thought he "liked" me

Stop sleeping with him immediately if you haven’t already. If I were you I’d ghost him and move on with my life. If a guy likes a woman there is absolutely no doubt.

He’s not that in to you. Never get caught up with someone who treats you like an option!

CodenameVillanelle · 12/08/2019 10:40

I truly hope there's another website out there full of women getting what they want from FWB relationships

They work great for women who want them. For me the criteria are clear - I have to actually be friends with him, I expect full commitment for the time we are together (ie no cancelling for better plans, no texting other women while we are together) and honesty

I've had men who can't handle casual/non exclusive dating (which is what FWB is) although they say that's what they want - they get passive aggressive or weird when they know I'm seeing someone else. This guy in the OP isn't being fully honest. When asked what he wants he 'goes weird' and says he wants 'no pressure' but that could mean anything - either he wants to exclusively date OP but very casually, or he wants to date other people, or he wants a relationship but not with her. He needs to own his feelings and his wishes. But so does OP. Assuming that a casual thing will turn into a relationship without expressly discussing what you want is foolish and a recipe for hurt.

Original poster
rachyrachy · 12/08/2019 11:37

I've asked him do you want to just be friends because if you do then I will start dating other people
He doesn't answer then ramps up the contact and texts constant.
I say to him just tell me what you want,no pressure I just want to know where I stand.
He says I'm too intense and too much when I ask.
I'm sick of it

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 12/08/2019 11:50

I don't want to patronise you but I had several "relationships" like this when I was younger and struggling with my self esteem. I often used sex in place of love. Don't do it, have more self respect than that. Just stop seeing him.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/08/2019 11:54

I've asked him do you want to just be friends because if you do then I will start dating other people

Good response. Now follow up on it, and the next time he ramps up the contact, reply sporadically and increase the delay in your response each time. I'm deeply suspicious of those who blow hot and cold like this: 'love bombing' I think they call it, and it rarely has other than nefarious intent (to keep someone hanging on to take more of their crap the next time they feel like dishing it out, no doubt).

What a disrespectful arse.

VivaLeBeaver · 12/08/2019 12:02

Friend of mine was in a similar situation but no sex. Thought she was going on dates with a guy who she liked. They had loads in common, talked for ages, got on well, loads of days out, nights out, etc. He said she was lovely, that she looked fantastic, etc.

Then one evening he dropped into the convo he had a date that weekend. She was a bit shocked. Told him that she liked him. His reply was that he wasn't attracted to her.

Which she found hard to understand when he was paying her complements on her looks and personality. We came to the conclusion she'd been friend zoned for some reason.

What I'm trying to say it is possible for a guy to enjoy spending time with a woman but have no intention of it being a serious relationship. And it sounds like that's how this guy feels. Sorry. Move on, don't keep hoping he will change his mind because he's unlikely to.

Bluefargo · 12/08/2019 12:22

it appears from your OP that he is not nice so I'd review why you want a relationship with him.

But if you do - the only way to reassert your self respect, his respect for you and the power balance is to explain that while it's been fun til now - now you want to have a fully committed relationship. If he wants to continue seeing you it's on this basis only. If not, then it's time to call an end to the friends with benefits scenario.

Hope it works out for you - anything else and it's lose/lose for you!

Bluefargo · 12/08/2019 12:27

Ps I tried every combination of acting breezy / being cool / being unavailable / dating other people / SENDING FLOWERS TO MYSELF (cringe) and none of them work as a strategy.

The only thing that works is honesty and then self respect.

If he gaslights you / says you are too intense or makes you feel unreasonable for your feelings then end it immediately.

browzingss · 12/08/2019 12:32

If he’s just come out of a 7 year relationship then you are unfortunately (to a certain degree) the rebound. You have to assess if you’re truly comfortable with that, and if not then cut contact. Realistically the text exchange was silly on your part, you ‘tested’ him then got annoyed when he went along with the conversation instead of ‘reassuring‘ you.

This sort of situation happened to me, the other way around though. I was clear at the start that I only wanted something casual and he seemed okay with that - but over time it was clear that he wanted something more and I wasn’t ready/interested in that. No matter how much he/I said it’s fine, realistically we both wanted different things so there were always awkward moments/clashes etc and it just didn’t work.

Pollypenguin01 · 12/08/2019 12:36

Rate yourself high enough to be honest about what you want

^this is some of the very best advice and I really wish I had someone tell this to me when I was younger.

Sonders · 12/08/2019 12:38

He's Just Not That In To You. It doesn't mean you're not 'good enough' by any means. I'm sure you know plenty of men who are good on paper but you wouldn't want a relationship with.

He just doesn't want to take the relationship further, and you do. You can't force someone to feel a different way about you. It seems like you've manufactured a situation for maximum heartache.

The quicker you ditch this guy, the more time you have to find the right one for you.

HappyParent2000 · 12/08/2019 12:41

He seems to have been open and honest with you, but your hiding your feelings and getting hurt.

Your free to walk away at any time it seems, if your not happy take time to move on.

Feelings will make it hurt while your grieve for what might have been but all will be well in time.

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