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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be jealous ? He said he's going out on the prowl?

156 replies

rachyrachy · 11/08/2019 18:59

I started to see a guy a couple of months ago he is a friend of a friend.
He just got out of serious relationship and I told myself I was happy with casual.
I've developed feelings for him and I thought he had for me (he texts daily all the time )and in person seemed really into me and caring.
He's made it clear he isn't in the right head space for serious and labels and if I try and ask him he backs away.
He text me today telling me Friday night he is going out with his friend who has just been dumped and he's friend is in the prowl.
I didn't want to ask if he was so I sent a jokey reply saying
"Ha ha enjoy prowling,if you can't be good,be careful)
He replied "careful is my middle name)
That hurt,I was looking for some sort of reassurance and he offered none.
Tbh I think I'm done now because I want someone that I'm enough for.
Aibu here to be hurt?
He's played mind games with me for months now and it hurts.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 11/08/2019 21:30

Just stop with the messages that don't really mean what you're thinking. Honestly, FWB situations just don't work for a lot of women. They certainly don't for me - I'm either in an exclusive relationship or I'm not.

He's explained how he feels. You either accept his lack of commitment and carry on as you are, or finish it and hope you meet somebody who thinks enough of you to not want anybody else.

rachyrachy · 11/08/2019 22:33

He's never actually said he wants casual but he's never said he doesn't.
When I try and ask him things he gets weird and says he just wants no pressure

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 11/08/2019 22:37

Well maybe he means that he’ll see how it goes, but he is just out of a relationship and I think after an LTR then you need at least a year to yourself, well I do anyway and I usually don’t want sex for ages either but then men are different about sex.

Can’t you just be totally honest with him and tell him how you feel? Life is too short to not say anything.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 11/08/2019 22:52

He is hurting you, so stop letting him.

OP is hurting herself. She is the one pretending she is ok with the set up and texting things to try and force him to respond how she wants.

@rachyrachy your op said he has made it clear he doesnt want labels and pressure. He has made it clear.

When you try and broach the subject, he backs off.

He isnt playing games. You are. Theres no shame in a casual relationship not being for you. They arent for me. I dont judge women who casually date or have FWB. But it's really not for me and sometimes a bit jealous of people with several casual set ups. But it just doesnt work for me.

He isnt going to give you what you want and you said he has made that clear

You are playing yourself and hurting yourself. Texting him something and setting him up to fail, is hurting yourself.

Someone once pitched FWB to me. I liked him, just split from exh. I said no, its k9t for me. I was a bit gutted that's all he wanted. I really liked him. But he had just ended his marriage about 3 months before.

Just over a year down the line, we saw each other again and became a couple. I am not saying this will happen for you, or that if you call it off he will cave in. But if I had have gone along with FWB, we wouldnt have ever been a couple. I know that. I was distraught at my marriage ending (abusive marriage) I needed time to heal. He needed time to get over his marriage. He actually stayed with a friend and I know he didn't actually date anyone else in that time
Neither did I. If we had done casual, I know ibwoild have got attached and got really hurt because he was ready.

Instead we are a happy couple with no baggage of one feeling messed about by the other or any hurt between us.

Cut it off. Go live your life. Dont wait for him. Move on. He isnt ready for a relationship. That's all you need to know.

pandarific · 11/08/2019 23:15

He's never actually said he wants casual but he's never said he doesn't.
When I try and ask him things he gets weird and says he just wants no pressure

I'm Confused about this - that's really clear he's not interested in being serious. He doesn't want to say so because then you will stop sleeping with him. Do not try to force a serious relationship from this, he's telling you who he is - a casual fling. Listen to him.

Bluemascara4 · 11/08/2019 23:17

Yuk ..... dump him . He's been honest about not wanting anything serious but behaving like a twat.

You're worth more Thanks

Wonkybanana · 12/08/2019 00:05

When I try and ask him things he gets weird and says he just wants no pressure

He's telling you very clearly where he stands. You're interpreting that as mind games because you don't want to hear what he's saying. You might as well be putting your fingers in your ears and going 'la la la I can't hear you'.

Ginmel · 12/08/2019 04:43

He's made it clear he isn't in the right head space for serious and labels
Don't know why the guy is being blamed when he has already told you this. You have been kidding yourself you are okay with a casual relationship but clearly you aren't.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 12/08/2019 04:54

He sounds about 17. Block him and move on.

Yeahnahmum · 12/08/2019 05:05

He HAS NOT played mind games
Has ALWAYS been honest to you
And now because now YOU didn't get the response you hoped for
HE is the bad guy?

Uhm NO

Rezie · 12/08/2019 05:25

I'm not sure what's the mind game here. He flat out said that he doesn't want a relationship and he wants to date casually. You are not exclusive so he and you both can date and hook up with whomever you want. Jealousy is a feeling and you are entitled to your feelings. Unfortunately that is an indication that this relationship it not for you. You feel more for him than he does to you and you want a type of relationship that he doesn't want.

rachyrachy · 12/08/2019 06:41

Why I'm confused is why have been out on dates,more dates than we've slept together.
When we speak daily it's about normal things and I thought he "liked" me.

OP posts:
dudsville · 12/08/2019 06:49

Try to put it out of your mind. If you're looking for someone who clearly loves you and wants to be with you this isn't him yet. You lose nothing by walking away. And it doesn't need to be dramatic, if he asks you can just let him know you're looking for something different.

rosedream · 12/08/2019 06:49

He's sending mixed messages.

Texting daily , going out together. Enjoying your company is saying I want to be in a relationship with you.

Talking about going out with a mate who is on the pull is not what you say to someone you respect or have feelings for.

I'd say you're being used. He enjoys your company for the here and now but not long term. If he saw you as his gf he wouldn't do that.

Don't let him play you. It's impossible to see someone without forming feelings for them unless you're a selfish or hard person (in my book anyway).

Jimdandy · 12/08/2019 06:52

Ghost him

Swellerellamoo · 12/08/2019 06:53

You may have 'thought' he liked you but I would say you are firmly in the fuckbuddy category for him.

Block on every platform, delete and set your boundaries out clearly regarding what you expect early on.

Fuckface7 · 12/08/2019 07:08

I think you need to stop torturing yourself and finish the whole thing. I know this sounds hard but I think going NC would be best for your mental wellbeing.

You want a serious relationship, he has been honest and said it's not for him. I suspect you confused him when you sent that message saying you hope he enjoys prowling, he may well have taken that to mean that actually you're cool with the situation after all. He's not a mind reader and the message he sent back was in the same tone as yours, I would have been surprised if he picked up what you really meant by that comment and gave the 'right' answer. Move on, life's too short for this x

Oysterbabe · 12/08/2019 07:25

He wants casual, you want more. This will only result in you being hurt. Move on. The right man doesn't play games or leave you wondering, he makes it clear that he likes you and wants no one else.

starfish2385 · 12/08/2019 07:54

"I've been thinking and whilst it's been fun I'm afraid this arrangement no longer works for me. I'm looking for someone who is ready to commit to a relationship and after the messages this weekend it's clear that's not where you are. Hope you eventually find what you're looking for, sorry I won't be around to see it. @rachyrachy "

rachyrachy · 12/08/2019 08:14

@starfish2385 that's a good message to send,I struggle putting my feelings down like that

OP posts:
rachyrachy · 12/08/2019 08:15

My gut feeling is saying he isn't over his ex
They were together 7 years
Lived together etc
Bought a house in November and that's now been sold.

OP posts:
Youaremysunshine6 · 12/08/2019 09:20

@rachyrachy having been in a very similar situation multiple times when I was younger (strange quasi-relationship with a guy who I realise now was definitely not looking for anything more) I do sympathise and I know how rubbish it feels but I think this situation is a slight overreaction on your part.

You wanted him to reply with something like ‘don’t worry, I like you!’ Or words to that effect but you did this by trying to be nonchalant and jokey which either:

  • makes him think you feel the same as him so it’s fine
  • gives him the opportunity to carry on joking and being non-committal and avoid the real conversation you want to have

You will drive yourself mad playing games like this. If you can’t bear the idea of him going out with his friends and possibly pulling (I totally get why you wouldn’t) then for your own self esteem you need to just end this.

To be honest the thing that concerned me most was the fact you say he’s played mind games for months? Life’s too short to mess around with an idiot like that!

Sorry for the essay but I feel quite strongly about situations like this having handled them badly myself in the past and seen friends go through the same.

If he likes you, you’ll know and you won’t have to question it.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 09:20

Why I'm confused is why have been out on dates,more dates than we've slept together.
When we speak daily it's about normal things and I thought he "liked" me.

Because he wants to date casually. He doesnt want to commit and her has told you this.

Texting daily , going out together. Enjoying your company is saying I want to be in a relationship with you.

Its really not, if you are clear you are not looking to be committed and serious.

OP is the only one playing games with her head.

Youaremysunshine6 · 12/08/2019 09:30

@rachyrachy it’s totally possible he does enjoy your company (hence the dates) but if he really was interested in you as a potential partner he wouldn’t let things roll on in a half arsed way and make comments about ‘pressure’ and ‘labels’, he wouldn’t want to lose you. You sound very much like me several years ago and I wish someone had been as blunt!! I had this situation with three different guys and every time I tried to be cool and nonchalant and had ignored all the obvious signs!

Youaremysunshine6 · 12/08/2019 09:33

@rosedream sadly very common in men in their 20s (I am presuming this guy is no older than this but could be wrong?!) - that is exactly how things tend to go even if the guy is only really wanting a bit of no strings fun. Hardly anyone is explicitly ‘just there for sex’!

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