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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people have become ‘delicate’?

178 replies

LottieLou90 · 11/08/2019 18:15

I’m not sure if it’s just me, but a joke can’t just be a joke anymore. It’s an insult.

I have quite a few friends who can handle a joke, or a constructive criticism. When I grew up, you told it how it is. If they didn’t like it then so be it.

It seems nowadays you can’t really express your emotions, how you feel or how someone has made you feel.

It’s like you have to protect everyone else’s feelings but your own. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a giver and not a taker but my DH broke the camels back today.

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like this too?

OP posts:
FishCanFly · 12/08/2019 10:45

Re. jokes - i'm not easily offended by the most crass types of humour, but... there is time and place. One thing i can accept from a drinking buddy, another thing if its a stranger or someone in a formal setting (e.g. co-worker).

HeatedRollers · 12/08/2019 11:00

The rules of woke mean I am now to be placed on the naughty step for not calling out racism every single encounter I have with a hypothetical man who says racist things and a hypocritically wanting instead to converse with him about something else, unlike Nazi uniform joke Prince Harry who calls out racism, ok got it!

weaningwoes · 12/08/2019 11:07

@heatedrollers what 'naughty step' do you speak of? Who has forced you to sit on one?

If you mean some people don't like your approach, if you percieve that as some collossal slight, I think you are the snowflake here not anybody else Hmm

HeatedRollers · 12/08/2019 11:10

I am trying to understand the woke rules.

So Prince Harry can make a joke and wear a Nazi uniform, this is then cancelled out by him calling out racism all the time?

If you don't call out racism every single time then what?

What about the extinction rebellion crowd, what if you don't follow their rules?

HeatedRollers · 12/08/2019 11:14

If you mean some people don't like your approach, if you percieve that as some collossal slight, I think you are the snowflake here not anybody else hmm

Back to the mind reading again, just like OP didn't say her friend was fat, you can't see into my mind!

jennymanara · 12/08/2019 11:17

@sinkgirl Of course everyone is talking about adults who are not NT. Do you know how rarely adults of a certain age used to be diagnosed with autism. I see it in my family. Children diagnosed with autism, older family members who seem very similar have no diagnosis. So that simply isn't true.

@seaside Yes exactly. Passive aggressiveness and lying is to some English people politeness. I really have no time for it. So if someone compliments you who is a friend, then I think you should assume they mean it, not that they are making a weird dig. And if you really have friends who give compliments that are actually criticisms, they are not good friends. And if someone does something that annoys you, just tell them, especially if they are a good friend.

And lots of other cultures do not behave like this at all. Bloody hell one branch of my family the culture is simply if someone has put weight on is to say - you are getting fat when you first meet them. I was brought up not to say this and just not mention it. But I was brought up not to lie all the time, and not to play games with passive aggressiveness.

ShhhBeQuiet · 12/08/2019 11:19

How do I look in this dress? (An ugly dress that makes the wearer look fat)

A) It's ugly and makes you look fat.

B) It doesn't look nice.

C). It doesn't suit you.

D) It's not my favourite. I prefer that other dress you tried on. I think the other one suits your figure better

E) I'm not sure, what do you think?

F) Its nice

G) OMG it's amazing. You look fabulous

Assuming I was asked my opinion I'd answer with something similar to answer D) - it's still honest but it's not rude. I suspect the OP prefers a more blunt response.

HeatedRollers · 12/08/2019 11:21

Bonhoeffer was so right about the role of the Church as community and the cost of discipleship.

jennymanara · 12/08/2019 11:21

Ssshhbequiet I suspect some on this thread prefer the answer G.

Blueoasis · 12/08/2019 11:22

I think people are way more sensitive now than before. But not meaning comments people name about them as that can be taken on any way depending on tone.

I'm meaning like on here people saying 'I'm shocked' about such trivial things. Like 'I'm shocked you use aldi and not waitrose' kind of thing. If that shocks you, how do you survive in day to day life? Is it just bad use of language? Are they actually shocked and we are only finding these people now because of the Internet? Who knows.

HeatedRollers · 12/08/2019 11:27

I don't think Bonhoeffer imagined the Church of England going so woke they have gone backwards with the science and bible denial to the point that they will sack clergy for speaking the truth about biology.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/08/2019 11:34

There is a difference between plain-speaking and out-out-out rudeness, bullying and bigotry. As far as people who indulge in the latter, certain phrases can help identify them as loud and clear as a bell round their necks. One is 'can't you take a joke?' The other is 'can't you take constructive criticism?' Oops, OP.

In a similar vein, compare the phrases 'the truth as I see it' and 'telling it how it is' (the phrase interestingly also used by the OP). The latter just shrieks its arrogance. 'Truth' is always subjective. The idea that one person's truth should equate to everyone else's would simply tell me not even to waste breath arguing with them, but to simply withdraw.

Good social skills and straight talking can peacefully coexist, but rudeness and arrogance don't go down well with anyone. If you find people are taking offence at many of the things you say, it might be time for some quiet and honest self-appraisal.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 12/08/2019 11:35

The world would be a much nicer place if people were truthful and authentic with one another

This

I was lucky enough to spend extended periods working in the Netherlands and Sweden and they are famous for being quite direct and blunt. I was a bit taken back at first but once you get your head around the fact there is no malice or ill intent it is actually quite refreshing. Brits seem to fanny about 'walking on egg shells' and tying themselves up in knots over how to ask a favour or resolve a situation without causing offense. Just get on with it.

Brit: "Oh no, my MIL wants to stay next weekend but we have plans but I don't want to put her out what plausible excuse can I come up with to let her down gently"

Swede/Dutch person: "Just tell her you have other plans and it is not possible"

Brit: "I don't understand how I have put on weight this week"

Swede/Dutch person: "You skipping your gym classes and buying those three tubs of flapjacks into the office and eating them all probably explains it"

Usernamewillautodestrustin · 12/08/2019 11:38

I got called delicate when I asked a grandfather of one of the nursery children at my daughters party to stop referring to my children's father as 'coloured'. I totally knew there was no malice in it and I corrected him twice before I got a bit annoyed. Apparently the world is PC mad because I didn't like an incorrect 'racist' term being used to describe my husband.

I agree that as a community we are a lot less tolerant of personal attacks and our feelings to get hurt a little more than they used to but what happens is people jump on this 'snowflake' bandwagon and believe it can be attributed to all PC situations.

I have heard people moan about not being able to make racist, sexist, gender related joked anymore because us 'snowflakes' start crying.

I suppose I just don't get how making jokes at others expense can be funny.

LadyRannaldini · 12/08/2019 11:40

Everyone seems to think they are suffering with depression or anxiety if they feel a bit down, or a bit anxious or nervous about something. The war cry on MN is "I suffer with anxiety", it gets tedious

Can we also add 'traumatic' to the list of over-used, mis-used words, usually it means you're a bit upset, stop over-dramatising things!

HeatedRollers · 12/08/2019 11:41

Usernamewillautodestrustin

You want to force compelled political speech on another person?

SinkGirl · 12/08/2019 11:42

Of course everyone is talking about adults who are not NT. Do you know how rarely adults of a certain age used to be diagnosed with autism. I see it in my family. Children diagnosed with autism, older family members who seem very similar have no diagnosis. So that simply isn't true.

No, they are not. Spot the difference:

A. I don’t know why but everyone takes what I say the wrong way. I think I’m being nice by being honest but they get offended.

B. Everyone is such a snowflake these day. I just tell it like it is, their feelings are not my problem. You can only take offence, you can’t give it.

Those criticising here are criticising B, not A.

weaningwoes · 12/08/2019 11:46

What I don't understand is why the people who obviously don't give a crap about hurting others' feelings, instead of just getting on with not giving a shit, take the time to be ANNOYED with the people they offend for being offended! I mean if you're going to be an inconsiderate arse then go all out for god's sake.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/08/2019 11:47

@PanGalacticGargleBlaster - I recognize where your screen name comes from! (And they were delicious ...)

I'm with you as to the directness on the continent - Russians are similar and I could see some of the Americans I was travelling with were bemused and upset by it at first.

Others might take it as rude but to me this always come across as directness without being impolite. I think a lot of it boils down to intent. These continentals wouldn't know the meaning of the words 'passive-aggressive', and I find that a relief. There are few things I have less patience with than a PA!

HeatedRollers · 12/08/2019 11:47

Usernamewillautodestrustin

What if you were 80 and the extinction rebellion crowd forced you to stop describing say 'plastic' a word you had used all your life and to replace it when you were aged 50 with 'clear material that's difficult to recycle', then when you were aged 70, they decided that the word you once used 'plastic' was to now be replaced with 'material that destroys the ocean' what if you are as an old person struggling with the latest political ideology and just want to say the first word you learned 'plastic'?

jennymanara · 12/08/2019 11:54

@SinkGirl I am on this thread. I might be an A. Certainly my DH has said he thinks I might be. There are a variety of opinions on this thread.

jennymanara · 12/08/2019 12:01

Also trust me, even if you are diagnosed as autistic, the sensitive crowd who see malice and passive aggressiveness in every innocent remark don't tend to change their viewpoint just because of your diagnosis.

weaningwoes · 12/08/2019 12:28

What if you were 80 and the extinction rebellion crowd forced you to stop describing say 'plastic' a word you had used all your life and to replace it when you were aged 50 with 'clear material that's difficult to recycle', then when you were aged 70, they decided that the word you once used 'plastic' was to now be replaced with 'material that destroys the ocean' what if you are as an old person struggling with the latest political ideology and just want to say the first word you learned 'plastic'?

Well if they ever decide to 'force' you do something so silly you may have a point. Any real world examples?

Segmentationfault · 12/08/2019 13:12

Ah yes, religion. That bastion of morality.

jennymanara · 12/08/2019 13:15

Coloured used to be the polite word to use. Not knowing the correct term to use does not make you racist, but when people tell you what term is considered the correct one, why would you not use it?
I have dealt with this as what is the correct term in one country, is seen as racist in another country. So I don't assume someone is automatically racist if they use the incorrect term for that country, if they refuse to change the term they use then yes I do consider that might be because they are racist.