To think people have become ‘delicate’?

[LottieLou90]

I’m not sure if it’s just me, but a joke can’t just be a joke anymore. It’s an insult.

I have quite a few friends who can handle a joke, or a constructive criticism. When I grew up, you told it how it is. If they didn’t like it then so be it.

It seems nowadays you can’t really express your emotions, how you feel or how someone has made you feel.

It’s like you have to protect everyone else’s feelings but your own. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a giver and not a taker but my DH broke the camels back today.

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like this too?

Fatted

No. I just think it depends on who you surround yourself with.

The other way to look at it is people are no longer afraid to take other people's bullshit. Once upon a time people complaining about racism and sexism would have been considered moaning snow flakes.

this exactly

It depends.

I think "telling it like it is" too often becomes synonymous for a rude person who shows no concern for other people's feelings.

Equally, I think there's too much weight attached to being triggered by the tiniest non issue and everything for some snowflakes can be some big pseudopsychological drama or emotional crisis waiting to happen.

I’d agree that if you don’t want someone’s opinion you shouldn’t ask for it but then I’m not the kind of person that would ask for other people’s opinions in the first place.

Some people ask a trusted friend how they look when they are feeling insecure and they need a little confidence boost. They might already be feeling crap about themselves and they are hoping their friend might say, “babe, you look gorgeous, now go out and knock them dead”. If someone in that frame of mind gets a negative comment back then it could seem like the end of the world to them. I’m not saying it’s ideal behaviour on their part at all, just maybe that you haven’t always been sensitive to your audience and have got your response a bit wrong based on what they are looking for? I.e they don’t want brutal honesty, they want a friendly pep talk.

The “it’s not for you” comment could be taken as “it’s not for you, it’s for someone younger/thinner/bigger boobed” etc...it’s right for someone’s body type, just not yours. If that person is already feeling rubbish then you’ve only reinforced that they should. If you’d have said something like, “Hmmm, it’s okay but it doesn’t do you justice and I think if you try on some other options you’d find something that would suit you better.” you’d probably not have got the same reaction. Just pick your words and tone a bit more carefully.

You didn’t tell that woman that she looked like she’d been snorting coke did you?! She must have already been feeling unconfident bad that’s why she asked you if she looked okay.

No - "telling it how it is" and being "blunt" is just an euphemism for someone being downright ignorant and mean.

If being "delicate" means not willing to put up the shite that some folk come out with then yes.......

When I grew up, you told it how it is. If they didn’t like it then so be it.

I cannot STAND people who “tell it like it is”. They’re likely to be rude and abrasive and love the sound of their own voice when no one else is interested in what they have to say.

Do I just tell people they look great?!

It looks like it. My colleague was at work with 4 other people one day. It was absolutely pouring out there. I came in an hour later and told her she has her mascara smudged under the eyes. She went ballistic at the other 4 because she asked if her face is ok when she came in and didn't have time to go check. 🤷

I totally get this OP. You have to censor everything you say now and everything is so woke, yet if you try to criticise something real (like the fact our prime minister is a foreigner or has been accused of something) then your DH and your employer will scold you and woe betide you! No one will stick up for you then.

Also you can’t tell your colleagues that they look great because it’s sexual harassment. Even if you are a massive boring heterosexual cliche it could be construed that you are a lesbian harassing them. I feel sorry for lesbians to be honest. They must be as confused as fuck by all this weirdness going on around them.

I think people are just better now at telling people when they’ve hurt their feelings compared to in the past when people would keep it quiet and let resentment seep in.

I'm in my 40s, my friends would probably be classed as brutal.

I work in a specific field in finance. I tell them exactly 'how it is' - straight to the point in a way that whichever client I am talking to will understand.

I am the same in my personal relationships. Very rarely have I overstepped the mark. If I have I apologise and move on.

I like to be spoken to in the same way because I can't be arsed with the flowering of conversation.

Both of your examples are completely different. You’re right to tell DH to handle his family if you handle yours and you think that’s fair. Do you know your friend is sensitive about her weight/shape? If so there might have been a kinder way to handle it such as suggesting another outfit was prettier on her or that the colour wasn’t ideal.

Neither of these things sounds like a joke which didn’t go as you’d hoped? No one was laughing, you weren’t attempting to be funny.

One of my friends has an ex who I used to end up seeing a lot in group things who was proud of being the one said it like she saw it and would often say something cutting to someone then guffaw when people reacted like and say “oh you know me, always saying what comes into my head ha ha ha” as if that excused her bitchiness. It didn’t. People thought she was a dick. She no doubt thought everyone else was “delicate” who “didn’t get the joke” but no matter how upset it made people she seemed sure her right to speak freely, blurt out hurtful things, was more important than anyone else and their feelings.

HouseholdPlantMurderer
I agree. The point of asking opinions is because you want an answer.

If I ask a friend about an outfit then it's because I respect their opinion. If I ask a work friend if I've got tomato soup round my mouth I want to know.

To be honest, if I’m out shopping with friends-if they try something on, unless they look awful, I’d probably say they looked nice.

If they looked awful, they’d be the one to look in the mirror and say, ‘I look awful!’ themselves, then I wouldn’t need to say anything!

You do you.

I really don't get on with tell-it-like-it-"is" people so we wouldn't be friends, but you have plenty of people around you who like direct and I have plenty of people who don't. There's space for all of us. No criticism in either direction- just different personalities.

No, I would never ask for opinions on how I look! If I am wearing something it's because I like it. If I am asked something directly and I think someone is trying something wrong I might say "I preferred the last dress- it was more fitted" or whatever.

I guess it depends on what you’re talking about, the subject matter and how sensitive it is.

I have known a few ‘tell it like it is’ people though and with some (not all) what they think is straight forwardness is just tactless or borderline rude - and if pointed out they say they are just being honest. Obviously honesty is important but reading the room is too.

Splodgetastic blimey where do you work? I’ve never worked anywhere where ‘you look nice’ is an HR worthy complaint. Maybe individual comments on bodies or sexual undertones but never just ‘you look nice’.

I’m with all the straight talkers here.

The world would be a much nicer place if people were truthful and authentic with one another. 99% of all the stress I see on here could be avoided by having an open conversation (clearly not talking about cases of abuse etc)

There’s a massive misconception on MN that telling the truth is equal to bullying / being rude etc. It’s really not. It takes courage to tell your family and friends the truth sometimes. I do it because I love them and because I’d want the same in return.

I rarely volunteer my opinion but if I’m asked I’ll give it. If I’m annoyed or hurt I’ll chat to the person involved and clear the air. I don’t rush to an Internet forum and spend a week hand wringing with strangers, coming up with witty retorts or being advised to go NC.

If I meet a friend in a bar, I’ll always tell her she looks great. If she has lipstick on her teeth or tucks her skirt into her underwear I’ll give her a subtle sign. If we’re shopping and she asks my opinion, I’ll give it honestly.

Someone who volunteers their opinion all the time about issues that don’t concern them or makes rude or snide comments is completely different. That has nothing to do with being truthful or authentic. That’s a character flaw. Nobody is advocating that.

I crave truthfulness and honesty from people. If I ask your opinion, for goodness sake, give it!!!!!

I often find those people who use phrases like
“I tell it as it is”
“I am who I am and if you don’t like that then that’s your problem”
Etc etc.
Are often just arseholes who purposely choose to be provocative and argumentative.

They want to be able to say and day whatever they like and if you have an issue with it then that’s your problem. But that’s not how decent, civilised society works.

These are the worst people in my opinion, being straight talking and honest but still with decency and diplomacy and respect for others and all our differences is wonderful but deciding you don’t give a shit who you upset because you believe you have the right to say and do as you please - that’s just being an arsehole.

The world would be a much nicer place if people were truthful and authentic with one another

That is your view but it definitely isn't mine and it isn't a fact!

God I think I would be described as tactless, it is not deliberate. I love my autistic friend, she is a breathe of fresh air. No hidden messages that I don't understand.

I'm going to say this quietly, but...
I'm also getting eye rolly with the whole " I have anxiety, so......"

Just to be clear, I understand about it, it us real, there should be help available etc.

However.... " I have anxiety" seems to be a precursor to ' therefore everyone has to accommodate the minutiae of my needs, I can't have an adult conversation with them, and I cannot compromise ' 😶

However.... " I have anxiety" seems to be a precursor to ' therefore everyone has to accommodate the minutiae of my needs, I can't have an adult conversation with them, and I cannot compromise

I completely agree. It appears to be synonymous with ‘people must accept my controlling and unreasonable actions’.

The world would be a much nicer place if people were truthful and authentic with one another

Doubt it. Have you ever perused Twitter or Facebook comments sections? They're brutal. I prefer a thin veneer of politeness and civility.

If you’re hearing it from a lot of people in your life, what’s more likely, that you’ve surrounded yourself with fragile snowflakes, or that the issue is with you, though?

Nope, I think more people feel more entitled to behave more like unapologetic arseholes in the current cultural climate