When does a SAHP become a SAHP

[HouseholdPlantMurderer]

Had a discussion with a friend, both childless, about SAHP and we wondered when does Stay At Home Parent becomes simply a Stay At Home Person.
Discussion came about because a common friend of ours asked his wife if she started looking for a job and of she needs some help with it since children are now 12 and 13 and are really quite matured for the age so can be left alone for few hours in the afternoon. They wouldn't even have to be if she found early early start job as he works evenings. She flipped saying they agreed she can be SAHP. He is now miserable because she is angry, he is resentful because he didn't think he will have to do 65+ hours a week for 18 years yet still can't afford nice holidays and such. They could if the wife worked too.
They have his grand parents nearby who wouldn't mind minding the kids over holiday times.
We think she is being massively unreasonable.

So I ask MN. When does SAH Parent become a SAH Person?

I think you are in a completely bizarre way totally overinvested in this family. none of your business.

@StoppinBy

In all the jobs I have worked in at least one or two people have taken parental leave. I have taken 3 weeks this year because we can cover the rest between dh and I. Nhs employer. Two other colleagues currently on parental leave in my team. Other places are local authorities/ charities that I have worked. In fact the local authorities often want people to take unpaid leave to save money. It may not be easy but it is certainly not impossible and the government set out that workers are entitled to 18 weeks per child up until their 18th birthday.

@demureandgraceful - sometimes it is good to have practice minding kids (if the teen doesn’t mind). I think she could probably study while the 8 year old did his homework or played with toys...

I mean sure if the 8 year old needed special care etc it might be hard. I have younger siblings and helping tutor them and care for them made me a more relaxed parent. They now return the favour and babysit for me occasionally...

The fact still remains that if the working parent isn't happy with the set up, it HAS to change.

Agree with this. It isn't fair for one person to be shouldering the financial burden forever if they are not happy about it.

I do think it must be very daunting to go back to work after such a long period though, and I don't think that's something that's considered enough when people make the decision to become SAHP. In an ideal world, I think the workplace should become much more flexible so it's easier to work around children/caring responsibilities/sabbaticals etc. The culture of long hours and inflexibility seems to have become worse instead of better in the last decade or so.

Also, I'm surprised by how many people think a 12/13 year old shouldn't be by themselves after school. My DC starts secondary school in a year and will have to be at home by herself. I always thought this was pretty normal, but maybe that's because I was a "latchkey" kid from a young age.

@Namenic I believe you and I often got landed with the job of looking after the younger cousin or kids at a party but it should not be a given that the older child will be happy to babysit

@HouseholdPlantMurderer the wife has taken time out to raise his children. She would now have to start at the bottom again for a min wage because 'he' thinks it is time. Presumably he wouldn't have been able to get so far in his job if his wife hadn't been there to pick up the rest of their life.

DH's mum was a SAHM while mine was a 'career woman'. Because he had the better childhood we wanted the same for our DC so I became a SAHM for 5 years despite being the higher earner.

In that 5 years my industry changed massively so I'd be back at the bottom of the heap. Ok pay but lots of early mornings and evening meetings. Plus my DH would have to help around the house if I were to go back FT which would be hard for him.

I was lucky and got a morning TA job which meant I didn't work school holidays and still left time for housework.

Had that not been available I wouldn't have gone back. I wouldn't have wanted to be at the bottom again with a load of twentysomethings when I was in my late 40s.

@DippyAvocado I guess it does largely depend on the child. Though still not fully happy I might be more willing to let a responsible teen that I know will get on with homework and study knowing they put in their best effort then one that I know will just watch tv and play on the computer the whole time. Even a studious teen I would still worry they skip school if they are trying to avoid a class

It depends a lot on the teen in question, I'd have thought. Some are going to need more input than others.

Good points. I certainly didn't come home and get straight on with homework . Very much doubt my DC would either, but otherwise she is quite responsible and could be trusted not to burn the place down.

@DippyAvocado while safety is also an issue I would worry about a teen seeing this as a opportunity to coast through school doing the minimum they think they can get away with or all together failing. Especially at 12-16 I feel they don't fully realize the doors they close when they don't priorities studies

I also wonder about women who don’t work when their children are old enough to see themselves home and put the tv on. I did it from age 12 and turned out ok.

I think my DH would be a bit miffed if he were out working and I wasn’t but without any good reason.

FWIW...I work full time so perhaps I think differently on the matter to some.

The man won't be working LESS because the SAHM goes back to work. There might be more money coming in but he will have to work MORE since he will have to take his fair share of all the domestic, administrative and childcare tasks, take time off work when the children have appointments or are ill etc etc etc- all the things a SAHP does which are taken for granted by the working parent. All the things which support their career and make life so easy outside of work.
Does he want to come home from his 65 hours a week and start cooking the family meal- only to realise he didn't plan ahead and there's no suitable food in? Is he going to plan and buy all the family Christmas and birthday presents? Make sure the children have their eyes tested, their dental check ups, get them up and out every morning, ensure their PE kit is washed for the right days, but their food tech ingredients bla bla bla bla bla bla ad infinitum.
If this is what he wants, he should have approached it in a less dictatorial way. A conversation is what is needed where both sides can discuss the pros and cons for the family as a whole.

I haven't read all this post but I have 4 DC 12,9,7&3 I was a SAHP until last month, I wanted to go back to work as I find it boring sitting at home but at the minute it's part time and I work around my partner and I'm still here in the holidays for the kids so I don't need babysitters or him to have time off

Our boys are 11 & 13 and DH will be a SAHParent until the 11 yo leaves for Uni. Then he’ll be a SAHHusband.

I work part time (50h/week, have dropped some), do the cooking and pull my weight when home. DH provides continuity, school run stability (I do it when I can), a taxi service for after school stuff / friends visits, and having him at home means I don’t have to worry about finishing late, having to travel at short notice (often with overnight stays) or school holidays, sickness, or any of a number of reasons why one of the boys might stay home. He’s also at home all night, which means I don’t have to worry about boys when I get called in at 3am.

We outsource cleaning and gardening - he’s at home for the children, not to be a general household skivvy - and I don’t give a monkeys if he has a day off while boys are at school to play games, watch TV, sit in the bath, whatever. He’s there for them when they need him, that’s what we agreed as a family and it works for us. We would really struggle if he had to work around my shifts, I could not do the job I do if he wasn’t at home.

He’s working far too hard now on trying to start up a new business from home, I wish he would laze around some days!

The pint is he wouldn't have to work 65+ hours. If he goes down to 48 and wife goes full time even on minimum wage, they would be better off financially and he would actually have time to do something else.
Kitchen is very demanding physically and mentally so if you keep doing crazy hours it does drain you massively. Tbh any job would.

Is chef work part time suitable then? I always got the impression it was one of those jobs that inherently involved all hours.

I think being a SAHP very reasonable when dc are preschool age, then its a lovely easier lifestyle if you can afford it, but unnecessary. Once dc are in secondary SAHP is just a nicer badge than "unemployed". Like the old fashioned euphemism housewife/husband.

It only works if one partner happy to fully support the other and its affordable.

Ive got friends who justify "not needing things or holidays" as its important to be there for their dc. Very admirable sentiments but dh would like a trip to Portugal or a new bike.

I know other men who consider it a naice status symbol to have wife be a SAHP.

It takes all sorts.