When does a SAHP become a SAHP

[HouseholdPlantMurderer]

Had a discussion with a friend, both childless, about SAHP and we wondered when does Stay At Home Parent becomes simply a Stay At Home Person.
Discussion came about because a common friend of ours asked his wife if she started looking for a job and of she needs some help with it since children are now 12 and 13 and are really quite matured for the age so can be left alone for few hours in the afternoon. They wouldn't even have to be if she found early early start job as he works evenings. She flipped saying they agreed she can be SAHP. He is now miserable because she is angry, he is resentful because he didn't think he will have to do 65+ hours a week for 18 years yet still can't afford nice holidays and such. They could if the wife worked too.
They have his grand parents nearby who wouldn't mind minding the kids over holiday times.
We think she is being massively unreasonable.

So I ask MN. When does SAH Parent become a SAH Person?

Didn't dtqke long for someone to asy as soon as tbey start school.

I stayed at home from when DS2 was born, until my youngest was 18. Then I went back to work full time after 20 years at home.

DH is a high earner, so my salary was/is peanuts in comparison.

But I couldn’t just be a stay at home person once they’d left school. We still have a mortgage, retirement to save for etc, I couldn’t leave all the hard work to DH and just meet friends for lunches etc, that was feeling wrong.

I agree lolasmiles that it's very easy to see how a couple of years becomes a few becomes decades.

The other thing is that you get used to your level of busy-ness and you plan and fill your life around it, so v few people feel like 'oh my life is so easy and I have so much free time' - and when they do they tend to take on other things, often v socially useful ones, eg volunteering at their DCs' school. So even if objectively it should be easier than it was before for them to work, they're still likely to feel like it's too hard because life has changed in response to that. No one welcomes suddenly taking on a load of new stuff on top of what they're already doing. It's the same reason as I think it's a massive mistake for a woman on mat leave to do everything in the house because she's at home - her DH gets used to it, and then when she goes back to work him now doing half feels like an impossible imposition to him.

@NewAccount270219 but these things do take time. The volunteering has to be done by someone and it does help the children academically. Also child care and house work needs to be done at some point. Especially the house work I feel I would as a parent much rather do myself so that kids can focus on homework and out of school activities and DP can have the time he has spend as quality family time doing things we enjoy and are more interesting then spending the weekend and evening catching up on chores

While I definitely support the concept of SAHP I am still always disappointed that there are not more equal and flexible ways of delivering it. I think that would be real progress.

The other thing is that you get used to your level of busy-ness and you plan and fill your life around it, so v few people feel like 'oh my life is so easy and I have so much free time' - and when they do they tend to take on other things, often v socially useful ones, eg volunteering at their DCs' school. So even if objectively it should be easier than it was before for them to work, they're still likely to feel like it's too hard because life has changed in response to that

It's the same reason as I think it's a massive mistake for a woman on mat leave to do everything in the house because she's at home - her DH gets used to it, and then when she goes back to work him now doing half feels like an impossible imposition to him.
I agree with both of these.
People get used to their current situation and can easily drift or become closed off to other ways of being or doing things.

I know someone who retired early and makes "jokes" (to me horrible passive aggressive pointed comments) about her husband's lack of culinary ability in front of family friends. One of these days I will end up pointing out that she was perfectly content doing all the cooking for the last 20 plus years and making a big fuss to us all at any opportunity about how much she loved cooking for everyone, how it was her job and duty as a mother (eye roll to back of head here as we were treated to the tales of Martha Blogs' womanly duty at most social gatherings ) so it's a bit much to start being a cow about it now.
My mother would be less than impressed if I said what at least half of us were thinking though so I keep quiet.

Absolutely, demure - I tried quite hard not to word it as if SAHP aren't busy, and from your response maybe I failed, so sorry if so. I was just trying to explain why it might seem more overwhelming to someone who hasn't worked in 12 years to work than someone who has been doing it the whole time, because it's not quite the same thing - their lives will be set up very differently.

I think once the kids are in secondary it becomes a bit odd to say you're a stay at home parent, it's more you don't work outside the house.

You can call youtself whatever you want though, but if he's struggling and miserable I think it's unfair of her not to pitch in now and get a job.

She likely never wants one again.

but if he's struggling and miserable I think it's unfair of her not to pitch in now and get a job.

This. It doesn't matter whether a couple have no kids or 10 - if one partner is working long hours and struggling then it is only fair that the other partner pulls their weight financially. After all, if he becomes ill from working those hours and has to cut down, then she's going to have to step up anyway.

I never went back to work. My DH was abroad a lot, and the DC had lots of activities in the evenings, so I would have been running ragged trying to work and do everything myself, plus look after them during school holidays with no family around to help out.

In addition, we didn't need any more money. We coped perfectly well on the one wage, had a holiday abroad every year, and managed to save money too, so the only reason to go back was for my brain. I decided to do voluntary work instead, and did plenty of it, and still do.

He's semi-retired now, and it's lovely having time together after all the years of him being away. He certainly doesn't resent me not working.

Probably an unpopular opinion but I think it's very lazy. She doesnt need to be at home with children those ages. I assume she simply doesnt want to work which is unfair on her DH.

You're a stay at home person as soon as your children no longer require someone to be at home with them all the time. That'll be different ages for different kids. My aim, personally, is to be in full time work by time my youngest is 8 and my eldest is 16 with the intention of her watching him after school then he can go to clubs in the summer. But that obviously won't be the case for everyone

If they are struggling financially she should probably go back to work. If they weren't and both happy it really doesn't matter what title people put on it and definitely no one else's business. I don't think it's lazy it's just a different choice as obviously we don't know what she does through the day.

Op sorry but you seem very informed about the whole situation and very involved. It is their relationship, i would probably busy yourself with something else.

I doubt the OP will be back....

Someone starts one of these threads every week - under the guise of a different “scenario”.

It’s a shame when you think about it.

Op sorry but you seem very informed about the whole situation and very involved

Op is very informed of one side of the discussion...

@Gooseygoosey12345 is that really fair on the 16 year old? those are majorly important school years surely her focus she be her studies and getting ready for her exam not watching younger siblings

As if anyone would be bothered enough about some other couple’s working arrangements to post on MN
The mind boggles..

If he doesn't do anything round the house leaving her to do it all, and if her children do loads of activities which she alone taxis them to and organises, and if she does all the cooking and cooks from scratch, and if she alone helps them with heir homework - then that is potentially 8 hours 'work' per day, possibly 7 days a week.

Yes, I totally agree with this. I went back to work P/T and was left to do everything else - bills/cleaning/laundry/shopping/cooking/finances/house and kids admin/arrange childcare/taking time off when kids sick/dealing with all medical problems (there have been alot!)/homework/school drop off and pickup/school holiday cover. DH basically went to work and that was it. He left me to do everything else, despite watching me struggle. He's improved slightly now, but I still get left with more than my fair share. He barely shows any gratitude. He would love for me to go back F/T so i can contribute 50% again (because i'm made to feel like a burden), but kids and I would suffer as I just wouldn't be able to juggle it all (not that he cares about that). Also, P/T work that fits around your kids is very difficult to come by.

The fact still remains that if the working parent isn't happy with the set up, it HAS to change.

Bloody hell. Been away just 4 hours and there is already talk about me not coming back🙄

Thank you all for your experience and opinions. It's interesting to see it since I don't have the experience myself. And it's interesting to see number of different opinions on it too.

I still think that it is unreasonable to refuse to change the setting when one partner isn't happy with it anymore, but I can see why one would be apprehensive.

As if anyone would be bothered enough about some other couple’s working arrangements to post on MN confused
The mind boggles..
Yes. So unusual here😂 Come on.

Surely she can’t say that just because they agreed for her to stay at home and look after the kids when they were primary age, that she can stay at home forever! I don’t know how anyone could justify that if the sole earner isn’t happy.

@demureandgraceful yes it's perfectly reasonable considering they get home at 4pm and I'll be home at 5:15. That is time for snacks and chill out after school. She won't be watching him like a toddler, he'll be 8!! He'll be independent by then, just too young to be alone in the house. She'll also be paid for it so I'm sure she'll like the money to go out with her friends at that age. Most 16 year olds hold down a job and study. I know I did, I worked 2 hours in the evening, and I had brilliant grades. Do you honestly think an hour is going to affect her study because I certainly don't expect her to be studying from 4pm until bed time!

@Gooseygoosey12345 I guess I just remember at her age being in revision classes until 6pm then still needing to do 2 hours of home work, practice my out of extra school activities for an hour and also still having dinner so pretty much being busy from 9AM-10PM as well as an hour of Chinese before school but I don't know your set up and routine

@Gooseygoosey12345 What if she wants to go out with friends? Most of the time when my teens go to a mates house or the likes they all go straight from school. Plus it means she can't attend any after school activities - clubs, rehersals for any school events etc.

@lyralalala agree with you there too.