When does a SAHP become a SAHP

[HouseholdPlantMurderer]

Had a discussion with a friend, both childless, about SAHP and we wondered when does Stay At Home Parent becomes simply a Stay At Home Person.
Discussion came about because a common friend of ours asked his wife if she started looking for a job and of she needs some help with it since children are now 12 and 13 and are really quite matured for the age so can be left alone for few hours in the afternoon. They wouldn't even have to be if she found early early start job as he works evenings. She flipped saying they agreed she can be SAHP. He is now miserable because she is angry, he is resentful because he didn't think he will have to do 65+ hours a week for 18 years yet still can't afford nice holidays and such. They could if the wife worked too.
They have his grand parents nearby who wouldn't mind minding the kids over holiday times.
We think she is being massively unreasonable.

So I ask MN. When does SAH Parent become a SAH Person?

@Gooseygoosey12345 you decided to have the children you do. It's not your DD responsibility to facilitate child care even if it is just to supervise a younger sibling therefore making her unable to attend other activities

Hospitality worker here with primary and a secondary aged dc.
Looking to get out of the the industry ASAP.
I love my job but I hate the hours, the changes to rotas, having to cover for people who ring in sick which can double my contracted hours easily.
And the dc and dh are suffering because of it.
It's not a family orientated industry I feel and I don't blame her for not wanting to go back into it.

When does a WOH”Parent” become a WOH”Person?”

DH and I really need to know because our nextdoor neighbour’s friend’s cousin is in this predicament.

Should I intervene?

Such are the questions of life..,

I worked full time when dd was aged 12-16. She was home from school by 2.15pm every day and she really didn't enjoy coming home to an empty house and then being alone until 6pm.

It would have been much better for our family if I could have been at home when she was in the afternoon and I do regret working full time for those years.

Teens definitely benefit from having parenting input on tap when they need it - and immediately after school was when my dd needed it.

When they SAH? 😁

Also just saying ... sometimes “happy to help out grandparents TM” become less happy to help out when the reality hits them and it’s every week/all day every mid term or they’re still “happy to help out TM” but feed your kids junk all the time and totally disrespect your boundaries and the husband is blissfully unaware of that but the wife knows that level of involvement would not be in the best interest of the kids. How many DM/MIL threads are there here every week??
And of course the husband will say they’re great because out of sight out of mind comes into play in a lot of these scenarios

I have 3 my eldest is off to to university and my youngest is 13. I've been work part time but still find that hard as because of being a stay at home parent until 18 months ago my kids do a lot of evening activities. We live where without me they would never get to them so would miss out on a lot.

Lots of pp's talking about how hard it is to cover the holidays and yes I agree it can be hard but surely if you're a sahp then you're earning nothing at all. If you work a full time job at minimum wage you can earn 1k per month. 5-6 weeks annual leave and even if you take 6 weeks unpaid parental leave (as a single parent this would almost cover school holidays without the dh in this case taking much leave) then as a family you're still up about 9.5k per year?
In this case the kids are pre-teens and secondary age! and should be able to be at home for 1-2 hours unsupervised in the evenings. Does not sound like a fair arrangement even taking into consideration the dh unsociable hours.

Lots of pp's talking about how hard it is to cover the holidays and yes I agree it can be hard but surely if you're a sahp then you're earning nothing at all. If you work a full time job at minimum wage you can earn 1k per month. 5-6 weeks annual leave and even if you take 6 weeks unpaid parental leave (as a single parent this would almost cover school holidays without the dh in this case taking much leave) then as a family you're still up about 9.5k per year?

How many places are going to give an employee 6 weeks unpaid leave? Especially during the school holidays when they'll already have full time and PT non-term time staff wanting time off during those periods.

There's a reason term time jobs attact so many applicants.

@demureandgraceful @lyralalala of course if she wants to do those things there's after school clubs for the youngest. She's not into any of that though and is more likely to want to come home. Her friends are always welcome here. Not once did I say she has no choice. If she doesn't want to supervise then the youngest will go to after school clubs. The point in my post is that they don't need me to be at home at those ages. I watched my younger sibling and it was never a hassle for me, I'm basing my views on that but my daughter and I have an open enough relationship that she'll tell me if she doesn't want to supervise. I chose to have the children I do but my children also love each other and I know them well enough to know if it's going to work or not. You can't do right for wrong, if I said "I'm going to stay at home until they're 18" that would be a whole other issue. I'm doing what works for my family and both my children individually, not what anyone else thinks I should. We're all entitled to our opinions though.

@Mummyshar2018 I think your comment is very poorly thought out. I don't know of any jobs where you can take that much time off and still have a job to return to..... maybe you could enlighten me?

‘Stay at home person’ bloody hell now I’ve heard it all

Yabu

I think sahp always gets a bad rap on mn! My kids are 15 and 13 and I am a sahp. I gave up work when my son was born and never went back-even if I wanted to go back to work, there is no such thing as "term time" work here or even a job that I can do in school hours.in all honesty, I would not make enough even if I went back to work full time, to replace the things I do at home-childcare, cleaning,cooking-to make it worthwhile, and at the same time my children would lose out on mum on tap. The school day here runs from 7:30-1.45 then they kids come home for lunch,afternoons are spent doing homework, any hobbies etc. school hols here are 3 months in the summer, 2 weeks at Christmas and 2 weeks at Easter. We don't have half terms. Unless you work in a school,nobody is going to give you a job that gives you 4 MONTHS leave a year (even unpaid). My husband earns a decent wage and is happy to be the wage earner while I take care of everything else. If I am sick then he will jump in to prepare a meal, or bring home a takeaway, and that's works just fine for us. I don't feel like I should apologize for the way our family works

I think the transition back to work for a sahp is really hard. I have been a sahp or worked very part time for 15 years now. In tbe early stages I did less hours but I was still doing all the night wakings and pretty much all the houserork and childcare etc.
Now the youngest is school age I work the equivalent of one week per month. That week is hell because nothing gets done when I am out.
On the weekend days dh is home so is in theory doing the childcare but he has never been hands on and is even less so now his health has deteriorated. Although I still feel he could do more but that would be another thead.
In the school holidays I get by doing shorter days in the week and carrying on in the evenings and getting dd1 to help

Maybe I should have said it can be hard if your dh can't or won't step up to pick up more slack at home.

I feel pretty shit about it but it is what it is. I’m pretty sure everyone is judging me but I judge myself so whatever

Nope no judgement here. Not a SAHP but I recognise the huge value it brings to our children. You are doing great, anyone who thinks differently should be looking at their own lives and not focusing on the circumstances of others that lead them to make their own best choices. So fuck ‘em.

If the husband is working 65 hours a week, I don’t imagine he’ll be up for doing a fair division of the household chores and drudge work.

Even if she were to get a full-time job at a more normal 37 hpw, realistically speaking, who’s going to be doing all the chores?

Not sure I’d be up for a return to the coal face in those circumstances unless he agrees to a cleaner/outsourcing the ironing, etc.

I think its stay at home parent while kids are of an age that need taking and picking up from school,after that its stay at home person.

I think the OP is getting a really hard time here. The issue is that the husband is struggling with 65 hour weeks, I presume as he has raised it with his wife he was suggesting if she got a job he could cut his hours. I don't see the issue with that, nor do I see the issue with asking general opinions on situations

he is resentful because he didn't think he will have to do 65+ hours a week for 18 years yet still can't afford nice holidays and such.

I can't work out if he think her working means he'll be able to cut down his hours - which I think a lot of posters are assuming - or he'll be still able to work those hours just have more expensive things like holidays and his wife does everything she does now plus work.

Partly why it needs to be a discussion between them - getting their prioties straight and on the page.

I wouldn't be happy to lose time with the kids for just a better holiday for a couple of weeks but for other things I would.

He is obviously struggling with workload. It would be good to find out why she objects to starting work. I can understand if she wants someone to keep an eye on kids more (eg with social media, relationships, drugs, school work if child is behind) or if she has mental health issues. But otherwise it sounds like it would be better if they shared work duties and home duties

It's a sah parent if there is a reason related to the child/children for the person not working. It's only an issue if one parent thinks there is a reason and the other doesn't. It's no one else's business.

I for one am not judging anyone who doesn't work when they have children young enough to need input plus a partner whose job means they're essentially or actually not present for long periods xiona. Sure, it would potentially be preferable if you had the option to work around that, but if you don't you don't.