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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...

670 replies

NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 19:38

Family visiting from abroad, staying in our house, they're very welcome.

They wanted to go out to a certain place this afternoon but I was cooking dinner for everyone and clearing up lunch pots. So they went out and I stayed home.

Two cars: 4 adults and 4 children.

I called at 5pm and asked what time they'd be home and was told they wouldn't be setting off for another hour.

I asked my parents to bring my kids home sooner as they're tired and I wanted them to be in bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Well... it's caused a massive hoohah!!!

I've been told that they're on holiday and don't want to be summoned back for dinner at a certain time. There's been an argument and I'm being ignored!

  • this is also my holiday (we stay in England for the summer so we can see them when they visit).
  • they could've told me they didn't want dinner when I stayed home to cook it.
  • I wasn't asking them to come back.
  • I thought they were here to see us.
  • my house is not a b&b.
  • my children are so tired from many late nights that they've been crying at everything today.

So, why am I the villain?

OP posts:
dylanthedragon · 08/08/2019 21:36

OP, when you say they had a go at you, what exactly did they do and say? Did they have a grump and moan or was it shouting and arguing with you? On the surface, this all seems like it's being blown out of proportion and everyone needs an early night!

Are the visiting children similar in age to your own? Is the visitor a sibling? Would be interesting to know if this type of division where your parents and visitors have come together to ignore you in the past?

It does sound like you didn't communicate clearly but the reaction from them sounds over the top.

thecatinthetwat · 08/08/2019 21:36

Are they ignoring you though? Or are you hiding upstairs? It’s all a bit awkward but I don’t think they’re totally ignoring you.

Have a massive glass of wine and head downstairs. It’ll be fine in ten minutes.

cstaff · 08/08/2019 21:36

Jesus OP they are acting like spoilt kids. Giving you the silent treatment in YOUR own home. Fuck that. They need sorting. Your dh should approach them and suggest that if they don't apologise for their shit behaviour he can show them the door.

How much longer are they supposed to be staying.

makingmammaries · 08/08/2019 21:36

It’s the thing about fish and house guests starting to smell after three days. OP, you sound lovely, but maybe you are trying too hard and wearing yourself out. Also, your guests sound like ungrateful sods. Maybe they can cook tomorrow’s hot lunch and hot dinner with 4 different dietary requirements?

Jellybeansincognito · 08/08/2019 21:36

They’re ignoring you in your own house?

Wow. You should absolutely grow a backbone and tell them all to get the F out. CFs

TooManyPaws · 08/08/2019 21:36

Make this the last year that you give up your holiday to provide B&B for this over-entitled bunch. Even in a hotel, you have to eat within certain times! Are your parents also visiting from abroad or do they live near you? Could they put the family up?

Frankly, I would be finding that you have something else on during those dates next year, like being abroad on holiday yourself! I would be very tempted to tell these CFs that, if they can't treat you with courtesy in your own home, then they can spend the rest of their holiday elsewhere. Do you actually enjoy having them to stay or is it an expected obligation by the wider family. Your DH should also be telling them that their behaviour is not acceptable; for all his faults, my father did tell friends of his and my mother to remember their place as guests when they were rude to me.

beestripey · 08/08/2019 21:38

For all those blaming the OP; how come there is no expectation of any other party to ask the OP what suits her, or whether she minds being left to cook, or what time she wants the children back, or what tie she wants to go to bed? Why is the OP the only one who has to be so like a doormat accommodating and thoughtful, while everyone is at liberty to do exactly as they please?! Sheesh.

Death stare OP. Bastards. Show no weakness. Count the hours till they go home. Then never again!

nocoolnamesleft · 08/08/2019 21:39

I'd have binned their dinner. (Actually, no, hate wasting food. I'd have frozen it, but told them I'd binned it)

OrdinarySnowflake · 08/08/2019 21:39

Oh YANBU - if people want to borrow your DCs for fun, then they have to accept they might have to actually look after them, and with small DCs that means bringint hem home for bedtime.

If you want to be difficult, not just eat a quick sarnie, but have properly cooked meals, not cooked by you, then you might need to be available to eat it when the person cooking for you has prepared it.

If you want to stay in a family home rather than a hotel, then you need to fit in with the family, not treat their home like a hotel.

Don't offer to host again. They want to stay in hotel conditions, they can bloody well pay for a hotel.

If your DCs are too tired for tomorrow's 'event', then miss it.

icedgem85 · 08/08/2019 21:39

Of course YABU. You said you'd do dinner whenever they get back and for them to let you know when they're on the way. They gave you even more notice, yet still this was wrong. If dinner was at a set time then you should have told them in advance. You're spoiling the fun, sorry. Forget bedtimes on holiday!

Cloudyapples · 08/08/2019 21:40

I’m so confused. Who are the guests?

Cherrysoup · 08/08/2019 21:41

YANBU. I'm a little surprised at people saying you spoiled their day out. I don't think you did. The DC are too little to have stayed out late yet again. If they're being twat, hide the rest of the booze, go to bed and go to the event tomorrow alone. Fuck them, you're hosting, if they can't be polite, tell them they can stay elsewhere next time. Wankers.

GirlsBlouse17 · 08/08/2019 21:42

Ask them to leave. You've provided them with free accommodation and meals and kindness and they are repaying you by ignoring you and upsetting you. They can leave and find a b&b and next time they can rake their holidays somewhere else. Ungrateful bunch of so and sos

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 21:43

I am downstairs - I sat at the dining room table with them all and one guest got up to sit in the living room. The others haven't spoken to me. DH is doing his best to diffuse the tension but it isn't really working, poor chap!

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 08/08/2019 21:44

Why are you avoiding the question about who the guests are?

Are they your in laws ? Is there competitive grandparenting at play?
A sibling?

Atalune · 08/08/2019 21:45

You are being a martyr.
That being said they have been rude.

You summoned them back, that’s rude. You didn’t specify a time back for your children. That’s a mistake as it wa obviously important.

They reacted badly- that’s not cool on them at all. And your parents should have your back and make nice.

Drink some wine. Say to your guests- “sorry for the confusion today, tomorrow we will.....”. Just be clearer and less accommodating.

Oakmaiden · 08/08/2019 21:45

My host is cooking, I don't want to eat her food but I won't tell her... I don't want to tell her what time I'll be home despite this being her home and not a hotel... she's a twat for wanting to know

Yes, they are being unreasonable for ignoring you and making an atmosphere. But your attitude here is weird too.

What you said above - that isn't what happened, is it? You asked when they would be home, they said they were planning on leaving in about an hour, you then demanded the immediate return of your children. Meaning someone had to bring them. They would rather have had you along with them and a free timetable than you stressing about cooking and insisting on punctual returns.

LatteLove · 08/08/2019 21:46

Can he or you say something? Someone will be able to put it better than me but along the lines you understand they were a bit put out with what happened earlier but the continued silent treatment when they’re receiving your hospitality is unacceptable

Cloudyapples · 08/08/2019 21:46

I’m assuming this is a brother/sister their partner and kids? If that was the case I don’t see why you are letting them walk all over you? It’s your home op! They can bloody well respect you or find somewhere else to stay!

Oakmaiden · 08/08/2019 21:47

That said - don't try to brazen it out. Just ask them if they are going to ignore you for the rest of the holiday, or if you are going to pretend to be adults and ALL get over it.

GirlsBlouse17 · 08/08/2019 21:47

This is awful behaviour. If they cant be polite, then theres no need for you to be polite either. Tell them they can either start behaving decently or they can move out in the morning. Or DH can tell them

Atalune · 08/08/2019 21:48

The drink though it. Drink and drink and drink. And if they are going to ignore you tell them there is a charming B&B up the road and you won’t tolerate people ignoring you in your own home.

mummmy2017 · 08/08/2019 21:48

Well aren't they all lovely....
Your a star.......

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 08/08/2019 21:48

If they can't respect you in your own house, show them the door and tell them to use it

Lougle · 08/08/2019 21:48

I think you might have to accept how your behaviour has been perceived, tbh. You said to let them know when you were heading back and you'd finish dinner. That doesn't imply that you want them back at a specific time.

Then you called and asked for your children to come back. Presumably, it wasn't a 5 minute journey, so that means your parents would have to come back. So I think that you asking for your children back was going to bring an end to their day out.

If you had asked for the children to be back at a certain time in the first place, they may have decided not to take them.

Their reaction wasn't good, but from your tone on this thread, I suspect you got quite heated with them, too? It's hard to climb down from a heated exchange.