don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...

[NannaNoodleman]

Family visiting from abroad, staying in our house, they're very welcome.

They wanted to go out to a certain place this afternoon but I was cooking dinner for everyone and clearing up lunch pots. So they went out and I stayed home.

Two cars: 4 adults and 4 children.

I called at 5pm and asked what time they'd be home and was told they wouldn't be setting off for another hour.

I asked my parents to bring my kids home sooner as they're tired and I wanted them to be in bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Well... it's caused a massive hoohah!!!

I've been told that they're on holiday and don't want to be summoned back for dinner at a certain time. There's been an argument and I'm being ignored!

• this is also my holiday (we stay in England for the summer so we can see them when they visit).
• they could've told me they didn't want dinner when I stayed home to cook it.
• I wasn't asking them to come back.
• I thought they were here to see us.
• my house is not a b&b.
• my children are so tired from many late nights that they've been crying at everything today.

So, why am I the villain?

It would be pretty difficult to bring half of the children home without the other half OP and I think you know that - your parents are expected to drag yours away from the fun while their (presumably) cousins get to stay? That's why everyone came home and it was a summons, you asked your parents and let them get the answer wrong rather than just tell them!

I think there is something other than the children's bedtimes that has triggered this today tbh. I hope it all settles down tonight.

You sound exhausted OP. This is supposed to be your holiday as well! Full cooked meals twice a day is madness. Family visitors need to pitch in or go to a hotel if they want full service and flexible timings.

I think you should decide that you are not cooking tomorrow and let them sort themselves and their dietary requirements out for themselves

You asked if YABU. YABU. Don’t argue with everyone for telling you what you’ve asked 😂 I think you’re tired and stressed out from a week of hosting

I just don't understand why you'd choose to make not one, but two full cooked meals on a day where I'm assuming you knew people would be going out to meet up with other members of your family.

OP please ignore what seem to be the kind of people that would have a go at someone trying to do their best at keeping everyone afloat. Honestly can't believe some of these ill-considered responses
It depends on your family dynamic how this will go in regards to being resolved and you probably have a good idea (they'll either keep making digs/ignore you until you're forgiven or pretend nothing happened tomorrow).
Take it as a lesson learnt going forwards and get it out there early in the day bedtime is at X children need to be back by X. If they have an issue with that then they don't take them. Older generation quickly forget what small children are like and all too easily miss the tiredness signs.
and your choice of indulgence after they're in bed

I think your DH should walk into the room and say that every one of you is being unreasonable: you because you’ve appeared as the party pooper and should have asked them to be back by XX time, and the GPs for being bloody rude and having a go at you after you’ve spent hours cooking them arsey dietary requirement dinners like a bloody restaurant and they should be saying thank you!
Tell them to go to bed like naughty little children!

It’s a just a stupid mix-up, miscommunication, two sides of a coin.

Just go in and say you want to clear the air. Explain where you were coming from regarding the kids being knackered and tearful, acknowledge your lack of communication and apologise for making anyone feel ‘summoned’ as that was not your intention.
At that point, hopefully everyone will stop bristling and admit that they too might have handled it better.
Hand round wine.
Go to bed early.
Good luck xx

YANBU - maybe you didn't communicate clearly, but nor did they and as you are hosting them and going out of your way to accommodate them the heat they could do would be to not act like entitled bellends about it!

So I shouldn't ask what time people will be back when they're staying in my house, I shouldn't offer to cook for them, I shouldn't let them take my children out, I should let them take my children out until whatever time they deem fit...

I should've said about bedtime. There was obviously a massive communication failing... but the reaction is unnecessary.

I dint think You are being unreasonable. They knew you were cooking.

My dm would do something similar. Ie. Keep kids out and not realise that other people have plans.

I suspect you enjoy cooking from the way you word things - you want to do this cause you like it however you also can’t deal with people not playing exactly to your timetable.
All our big family arguments are about this when everyone gets together - parents cook a meal no one really wants, various siblings go to pub, parents like to eat at exact time, everyone else is rude for being late!
We’re a bit more relaxed about kids bedtimes though. .
I think you’re being martyr-ish but also reckon you’re probably all a bit tired/bit full on being together under one roof.
Also presuming this relationship is a sibling who lives abroad, they don’t get to see your parents often and vice versa so you cutting the outing short means their quality time with grandparents and nieces/nephews is being curtailed

YABU and a tad melodramatic. Your children are not "broken"

Yes, the childish reaction is completely unnecessary and rude! Undermining mommy too! Out of order.
In their house, they’d expect to hand out the rules I’ll bet

You do have my sympathy OP but equally you do sound like a little bit of a martyr. I am not sure but it sounds as though you suggested a visit at a bit of a silly time, didn’t agree a time for dinner and then they feel ordered them back mid-fun. But the only way you’ll know what they feel you did wrong is by asking them. What’s done is done. I would have a sleep and then see how things are tomorrow. If you’re still getting any attitude in your own home then it’s a good chat and explain, if that doesn’t work then it’s an “of course I won’t be expecting you to stay, it sounds like you’d be much happier in an Airbnb what time can I book the taxi for?.” In future though you need to get savvy, stop acting like a skivvy and if your kids are tired either suggest a DVD before dinner, not an outing, or at least go on the visit as well so you can leave when you want. Oh and 2 cooked meals for 10 people a day is utter madness! Self service tea coffee station and sandwich lunch all the way.

Broken is a pretty good way to describe exhausted children. At least, mine would be when they were that small.

Are the other guests your sibling, their spouse & children? Were your parents upset because they had to cut short an outing with their other child & grandchildren who they don’t get to see very often & have limited time with?

My children were broken today

Then why send them in the first place? You should have said no, they’re staying home.

I wanted my parents to be able to have a bit of a rest too.

That’s not your call.

Sounds like a mismatch of expectations and a bit of miscommunication. Tempers often flare when family are trapped together for an extended period!

Maybe for the rest of the trip just let people do their own thing a bit more, sort out their own food etc. Have a few more chilled days without set meal times.

I’m with you OP. I really can’t understand why some people on here get so nasty. Especially over things like this.
I would never allow my children to nap in the evenings- ever! And I’ve let go of babysitters/ childminders because of this.
You have guests in your home so they shouldn’t be being rude to you at all.
I can understand the issue of not wanting to bring the children home and end the day- I would be disappointed too but I wouldn’t have allowed you to stay home and cook if I was planning a fun day out.
Regarding bedtimes- apart from the no naps in evening rule I am very relaxed and the little ones stay up until midnight if we are doing something. But I know that’s not for everyone and I admire and respect people’s routines.
This is a misunderstanding I think but I don’t feel you should be feeling upset about it. They have had the day out and you’ve been the dogsbody. If your parents felt very strongly about not ending the visiting guests’ day early they could have come back earlier with the children- which is what they wanted.

But please - why the snippy, unsupportive and often nasty comments on here? Why? What’s the point? And the accusation that the OP is being passive aggressive said from your keyboard. Gosh.

Anyway OP I’m with you. And the reason for that is that you are upset and you are posting here. I hope you can turn the evening around and have a chat about it. Framed as a misunderstanding and perhaps a breezy chat about plans for tomorrow.

Is this typical of how your family interacts?

If so, how awful.

In an ideal world, you would have said what time you wanted the kids back before they set off for a day out. But even when you did call them to ask them to bring the kids back so they didn’t have too late a night, they shouldn’t have kicked off.

Parents main problem was that when they went to leave they got a bollocking from the holiday party and held me responsible for putting them in a awkward position.

I think if this post was written from your parents or the guests perspective I reckon the replies would be more wavering to your side op... it's a mis communication on both sides but if I knew someone was cooking for me I'd be conscious to get back, also if I had someone's children with me and they wanted them back for dinner / bed I'd totally understand... but I'd probably be wanting to give back a tired 2 & 3 year old ASAP

OP did any of the 4 adults offer to help with lunch prep or clear up? Did any of them offer to cook dinner or pay to eat out tonight? I think that's important to consider. If you had offers, and chose instead to do it yourself, you have somewhat put yourself in this place.

You must be exhausted. Hosting and cooking and cleaning and having two toddlers (not to mention two additional children around) is no holiday for you. You are not a hotel. Don't put that expectation on yourself. You are on holiday - why don't you say that tomorrow. New day, new start. Holiday time for all.

Then enjoy it. You can't go on like this, it will only become more unbearable.

Have a hug, if you'd like one. and

I'd LOVE to let them do their own thing but they all want to hang around like a pack!!!

I said today for the kids to stay home but they insisted on taking them!

If I was them I would be worried I'd been cheeky by staying out too late and messing the dinner you'd been working so hard to prepare!

Yeah, or thinking wow I bet op is having a lovely time (cooking for 4 hours) without 2 and 3 year old.

I see both sides, but op try and see the other side too. I’d rip my right arm off for someone to have my 2 and 3 year old for the afternoon/ evening.

I don’t know how to quote but I’ve cross posted with heronwatcher and I love what she has just said!