Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 ··· 20 21 22 ··· 26 27

Original poster

don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...

670 replies

NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 19:38

Family visiting from abroad, staying in our house, they're very welcome.

They wanted to go out to a certain place this afternoon but I was cooking dinner for everyone and clearing up lunch pots. So they went out and I stayed home.

Two cars: 4 adults and 4 children.

I called at 5pm and asked what time they'd be home and was told they wouldn't be setting off for another hour.

I asked my parents to bring my kids home sooner as they're tired and I wanted them to be in bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Well... it's caused a massive hoohah!!!

I've been told that they're on holiday and don't want to be summoned back for dinner at a certain time. There's been an argument and I'm being ignored!

this is also my holiday (we stay in England for the summer so we can see them when they visit).
they could've told me they didn't want dinner when I stayed home to cook it.
I wasn't asking them to come back.
I thought they were here to see us.
my house is not a b&b.
my children are so tired from many late nights that they've been crying at everything today.

So, why am I the villain?

OP posts:

ThomasFurious · 10/08/2019 12:22

Reading backwards now and can see you've already done that. Well done.

Original poster

NannaNoodleman · 10/08/2019 12:24

I did make sure I said "that'll explain why she tires so easily and asks to go to bed at 6pm" when I was telling them about it.

They're all being slightly better today but it's definitely stilted... but, to be perfectly honest, I've been on my phone and disengaged a lot.

OP posts:

tulips77 · 10/08/2019 12:24

Look at tomorrow (is that when they're leaving?) as the first day of the rest of your life of freedom. You never ever have to go through this again. That's something to celebrate!

I think you've handled it with great dignity. It is bizarre how they reacted to what is essentially nothing. And how they're continuing to drag out this reaction.

I imagine in time your relationship with your parents will go back to how it was (pretty much ok, unless I've missed something) and it will remain that way as the toxicity of your sibling simply won't be an issue in your home ever again.

Have a well deserved tonight and roll on their departure time! You can run around the house in joy!

IsobelRae23 · 10/08/2019 12:27

For what it’s worth I had dc who could easily stay up until 10pm and still wake at 4:30-5:00am and be happy and breezy all day. However, we would still be home from a day out at 6pm at the latest, as by the time they had food, wound down, a bath and milk and story before bed- it takes a while! I think your family are being twats OP- sorry!

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 10/08/2019 12:28

Op - hope all goes well for your DD and any treatment she may need.
Your relatives are a disgrace treating you like that in your own home

I hope you have a big glass of something to celebrate when they leave and I'm glad you have now decided never to let them stay again. Just think after tomorrow you never have to put up with their horrible behaviour again. Chin, Chin

Tonnerre · 10/08/2019 12:31

FFS, they were still sulking even after your hospital visit?

You have a weird martyr/passive aggressive way to expressing yourself on here so I imagine it’s much the same in RL.

No, she doesn't. This is total bollocks.

AbbieLexie · 10/08/2019 12:31

I would have behaved the same as you. Low contact is the way to go for the future. Lesson learned. I would also think very carefully about discussing what's happened and your decisions for the future with your parents. Grey rock and that (one of many) wonderful MN phrase - 'No is a complete sentence.

RedDogsBeg · 10/08/2019 12:37

I won't be inviting them again and if they invite themselves I'll tell them to find a hotel instead.

Perfect, stay strong and don't be guilt tripped or allow yourself to be brow beaten into backing down. Don't enter into a back and forth discussion with anyone, just keep repeating You need to find a hotel, you're not invited to stay here. Take the same stance with your parents if they try to emotionally blackmail you into changing your mind.

I won't be cooking for them again. That's just a fact.

Too right, OP.

I'm not going to cause a huge argument but I don't get anything back from the relationship except rudeness. So, I'm done.

Good.

If they stay locally in a hotel in future we can see them for a day out or a meal or whatever.

Yes, on your terms not theirs.

Best of luck, OP, and get the flags and bunting out tomorrow!

cstaff · 10/08/2019 12:52

Well done for keeping your cool the last few days OP. You are definitely a bigger person than me.

I think the reason that they are still being rude to you is either

They feel bad for causing this row or more likely
You didn't react how they expected you to by apologising, running around and making a fuss over them and accepting everything your brother said as being right.

One more day and you will be free and peace will reign in your life and house again.

PlaceYourItemInTheBaggingArea · 10/08/2019 13:01

I'll join in the collective 'cheers Nanna' when they leave. Ungrateful, horrid people. Sorry to hear about your daughter and hope there is a good plan in place for her.

You live and learn.

MrsSarahSiddons · 10/08/2019 13:16

Sorry to hear about your little girl and I hope things go well for her. You have done so well keeping dignified during the last few days. How horrible they are to maintain the frosty atmosphere after hearing this news about your daughter. I am so glad that you are not going to allow them to bully you any more and that your DH and DC won’t have to witness their toxic behaviour in future.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/08/2019 13:41

Tonnerre · 10/08/2019 13:48

I'd love to be a fly on the wall next time they contact you to invite themselves to yours.

Doyoureallyneedtoask · 10/08/2019 14:13

I hope your DD will be ok OP. I think giving the little dig about the 6pm bedtime WAS passive aggressive and they will have picked up on it as was your intention for them to do.

OP Just one thing to add and I speak from experience sadly. If you let your family go without talking to them, it is likely you will never have a decent relationship with them again. I know you are saying - never again - and I would say the same. In all likelihood your sibling is saying the same thing though! Without a bit of give from both sides (or a lot of give from only one side), your relationship will break down completely from non communication if they leave tomorrow without some attempt at resolving this. You might be fine with it and if so continue as you are. But if you will miss them down the line, if you will be bothered that they may well stop acknowledging your children’s birthdays, they may not wish you a happy Christmas etc then now is the time to do something before it is too late.

I know posters will say it’s not your fault and I’m not saying it is but I am saying this as someone who went through something similar with a sister who lives in another country. I honestly feel it wasn’t my fault but I was upset and hurt and I let her go. I did not think her emails would change their tone, be distant and very different and soon stop. When I told her had a baby she sent a one word text ‘congrats’ and didn’t acknowledge any photos etc. Am I better off without her as some people will say you will be? Honestly I would say I’m not. It changed the already small family dynamic. Now when she visits, she doesn’t tell me and stays with someone else. I can’t begin to describe how sad it makes me for her not to know my children . Anyway I just thought I’d give a perspective of your situation ten years down the road.

VforVienetta · 10/08/2019 15:07

OP do you think you'll broach it with your parents after they've left? Just wondering if they'll expect everything to go back to normal, when their behaviour has been just as unpleasant as sibling's.
I totally get why you don't want to raise it now, it's hard enough to deal with the situation as it is, you know better than us how they'll respond to being called out.

I hope you treat yourselves when they've left!

Evilmorty · 10/08/2019 15:14

People are making it sound like you should be grateful they let you cook for them How dare they get free accommodation and free dinners on demand and be asked to have the children back at a reasonable hour!

What I’ve found happens is - they tire the kids out, have all the fun, look at me helping by taking the kids out so you can cook for me, and then when they turn in to little rat bags because they are overtired, it’s only down to you to sort out because you’re the parent. Despite them causing all the disruption.

Yanbu.

greenwaterbottle · 10/08/2019 15:20

If I'd gone round to my sil, and gone out for the day with their children. I'd have said what time do you want us back and thanks for cooking!
Not kicked off.

Palaver1 · 10/08/2019 17:40

Doyoureallyneedtoask
Perfectly worded

Toooldfornonsense · 10/08/2019 17:40

People on this thread need to give you a break. Catering for 10 on your holiday? Seriously? They are your children and they should be brought back at an appropriate time for 2 & 3 years olds. Responders on here need to get a grip...

Madamum18 · 10/08/2019 17:43

Well as they are your kids it is your decision! But maybe discussing a return time because the kids are tired would have avoided all the hooha!

Madamum18 · 10/08/2019 17:46

PS and I do agree with your decision ...I'm amazed your parents didn't think about 2 and 3 year olds getting over tired, holiday or not!!

Dieu · 10/08/2019 17:50

Sorry, but it's a bit controlling. It's not every day your parents will get to see the children. And it was your choice to stay home and miss out - the cleaning up could have waited. I would just go with the flow.

Tinkerbell1980 · 10/08/2019 17:51

for you OP, be sure to re-read this thread and how they made you feel when any suggestion is made of them returning. I'm terrible for glossing over how bad something was and trying again xx

Teacher22 · 10/08/2019 17:55

You are most definitely NBU and your parents are acting like irresponsible teenagers keeping tinies out past their bedtime and using you as the cook and bottle washer.

However, I should let it go this once to avoid a row and in any future negotiations put forward your own conditions ensuring that it it quite clear that they are not to be hijacked or broken.

You hold the aces here as they will want to see the kids and you are the gatekeeper.

Mrsthomas29 · 10/08/2019 17:55

I would just be thrilled that someone had taken my two kids out for a whole day.

Flip

1 2 ··· 20 21 22 ··· 26 27

Swipe left for the next trending thread