Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...

670 replies

NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 19:38

Family visiting from abroad, staying in our house, they're very welcome.

They wanted to go out to a certain place this afternoon but I was cooking dinner for everyone and clearing up lunch pots. So they went out and I stayed home.

Two cars: 4 adults and 4 children.

I called at 5pm and asked what time they'd be home and was told they wouldn't be setting off for another hour.

I asked my parents to bring my kids home sooner as they're tired and I wanted them to be in bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Well... it's caused a massive hoohah!!!

I've been told that they're on holiday and don't want to be summoned back for dinner at a certain time. There's been an argument and I'm being ignored!

  • this is also my holiday (we stay in England for the summer so we can see them when they visit).
  • they could've told me they didn't want dinner when I stayed home to cook it.
  • I wasn't asking them to come back.
  • I thought they were here to see us.
  • my house is not a b&b.
  • my children are so tired from many late nights that they've been crying at everything today.

So, why am I the villain?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 09/08/2019 17:36

You should probably read your posts again @jennymanara where you are super-critical of the OP & your view that she won't listen to anyone's opinion (which isn't true).

couchparsnip · 09/08/2019 18:08

Hope you are enjoying the event OP (wedding?) and you managed to keep away from your toxic relatives.
From what you've said, the plan of avoiding them and then lessening contact once this visit is over seems sensible. Why aggravate them, just detach and then don't see them.

Playmytune · 09/08/2019 19:55

Hope you have been okay today Nanna.
Your family, including your parents are awful and treat you terribly badly.
Is the reason you try so hard because you feel inferior to your sibling and think that this is your opportunity to be respected and perhaps get some recognition from your family, instead of feeling like a second rate daughter/sister? Unfortunately you now know that no matter how hard you try, you will never be looked on as an equal by either your sibling or parents!

You need to realise that nothing you do will ever elevate you to be an equal in their eyes! Don’t try so hard, because you really don’t want to be like either of them, because you aren’t their equal, you are far better than they are! It is hard, but you need to stop trying with your sibling, just don’t let them ever stay again. After they leave draw a line under this visit and say never again! You don’t need them, they are dragging you down and if your parents always put them before you, you don’t need them either!

Just think only 2 more days and they are gone (for good).

EarringsandLipstick · 10/08/2019 09:03

How are you doing now OP? How did yesterday go?

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 10/08/2019 10:39

Am having a bit of trouble posting.

This has been eye opening! I had no idea offering to cook dinner for visitors was being a martyr. If that's how they feel no wonder they're annoyed with me.

I won't ever cook for them again.

OP posts:
Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 10/08/2019 10:44

Yesterday was still frosty with minimal communication.

I had to leave the event early to take my daughter to an appointment (planned and everyone had been informed). She's got a suspected PDA (a small hole in her heart) and is being referred to a specialist at a larger hospital.

I called DH as we left the hospital and he told the guests. They were still frosty when asking me about it - it wasn't their usual manner.

I can't wait for them to leave tomorrow.

OP posts:
Dorsetcamping · 10/08/2019 10:47

@NannaNoodleman we will all raise a collective glass to you when they finally leave!🥂

TatianaLarina · 10/08/2019 10:48

The answer is never to invite them again.

You’re way too nice, your sibling is an arsehole, they’re collectively on some weird power trip. It’s all totally unacceptable behaviour from guests or family.

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 10/08/2019 10:49

I really appreciate the support on this thread. It's definitely helped get through this.

ThanksWine

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 10/08/2019 10:49

I no idea offering to cook dinner for visitors was being a martyr. If that's how they feel no wonder they're annoyed with me

Take it with a pinch of salt. AIBU attracts some quite thick posters.

NotEven · 10/08/2019 11:09

This has been eye opening! I had no idea offering to cook dinner for visitors was being a martyr. If that's how they feel no wonder they're annoyed with me.^^
I won't ever cook for them again.^

Don't be silly. No one is saying cooking for guests is being a martyr. This is Mumsnet, some posters post unhelpful and OTT replies.

Your guests have been rude and unpleasant . It's got nothing to do with you cooking for them.!

Wishiwasonholiday1 · 10/08/2019 11:14

Not long to go OP.

You have done nothing wrong at all, your sibling sounds like a nightmare.

1 more day to go! Wine

nettie434 · 10/08/2019 11:19

Being frosty when you have just come back from a hospital appointment with your small daughter takes the Biscuit NannaNoodleman. Keep going - its nearly over and you can then relax!

Linseedlill · 10/08/2019 11:21

This has been eye opening! I had no idea offering to cook dinner for visitors was being a martyr. If that's how they feel no wonder they're annoyed with me.

Take no notice of this op! Some people are threatened by kindness for some reason.

bellinisurge · 10/08/2019 11:22

If they aren't the ones dealing with overtired kids at bedtime or, even worse, in the middle of the night, they should defer to you.

Atalune · 10/08/2019 11:27

You have a weird martyr/passive aggressive way to expressing yourself on here so I imagine it’s much the same in RL.

Saying you’ll never cook again for them is just stupid. Confused. You’re heading for a massive falling out and no one is communicating. Try talking, with them.

RedDogsBeg · 10/08/2019 11:30

I called DH as we left the hospital and he told the guests. They were still frosty when asking me about it - it wasn't their usual manner.

That alone tells you all you need to know about your sibling and to an extent your parents for enabling them.

I don't think you are a martyr for cooking for your guests, I do the same for family who stay with me the big difference is my family appreciate it and don't behave the way yours did/do, they'd be out of the door before they knew what was happening if they did.

I hope your daughter is okay, good luck with the specialist. Put all your time and energy into your immediate family they need it, deserve it and will appreciate it unlike your hideous sibling who is worth neither.

pictish · 10/08/2019 11:32

This all seems very overblown. Poor you OP.

TatianaLarina · 10/08/2019 11:32

You have a weird martyr/passive aggressive way to expressing yourself on here so I imagine it’s much the same in RL.

Nonsense. OP is not the weird one.

WildfirePonie · 10/08/2019 12:06

YANBU - Kick them out!

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 10/08/2019 12:10

I guess it depends on the tone in which you read the text. "I cooked dinner" is being read by some in a martyr tone and others in a factual tone.

I don't feel annoyed or martyred for cooking dinner, it's just what happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 10/08/2019 12:14

I won't be inviting them again and if they invite themselves I'll tell them to find a hotel instead.

I won't be cooking for them again. That's just a fact.

I'm not going to cause a huge argument but I don't get anything back from the relationship except rudeness. So, I'm done.

If they stay locally in a hotel in future we can see them for a day out or a meal or whatever.

OP posts:
Reallybadidea · 10/08/2019 12:20

I hope your dd is OK. Having a PDA can make children tire easily - do they know that??

What have you been doing about food since dinner-gate? I hope you've dished up sandwiches and nothing else Grin

Aurignacian · 10/08/2019 12:20

Are your Mum and Dad still being uncommunicative with you?

ThomasFurious · 10/08/2019 12:20

I can actually only read half the thread as it's too horrible to read.

They are treating you appallingly. Really toxic dynamic.

Of course 2 and 3 year olds should be in bed by then.

You really need to get some help in setting boundaries and learning to be assertive with them, or preferably backing off completely and going low contact. If you do that they'll just argue between themselves instead and golden child will lose her power.