don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...

[NannaNoodleman]

Family visiting from abroad, staying in our house, they're very welcome.

They wanted to go out to a certain place this afternoon but I was cooking dinner for everyone and clearing up lunch pots. So they went out and I stayed home.

Two cars: 4 adults and 4 children.

I called at 5pm and asked what time they'd be home and was told they wouldn't be setting off for another hour.

I asked my parents to bring my kids home sooner as they're tired and I wanted them to be in bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Well... it's caused a massive hoohah!!!

I've been told that they're on holiday and don't want to be summoned back for dinner at a certain time. There's been an argument and I'm being ignored!

• this is also my holiday (we stay in England for the summer so we can see them when they visit).
• they could've told me they didn't want dinner when I stayed home to cook it.
• I wasn't asking them to come back.
• I thought they were here to see us.
• my house is not a b&b.
• my children are so tired from many late nights that they've been crying at everything today.

So, why am I the villain?

jennymanara

And what about siblings plus parents rudeness and utterly nasty behaviour since?

Regardless of any miscommunication, who does this? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anybody with a modicum of manners would think whatever they wanted in their head & be respectful & polite to their hosts (and family!)

@EarringsandLipstick Because the OP totally fails to understand what has happened in this simple scenario, I suspect the others would tell a very different story about this stay so far. Because generally people that make lots of assumptions and communicate poorly tend to have a habit of doing so.

So the other things OP mentions show that her relatives are angry at her.
This thread reads to me like an episode of Eastenders where a mountain is made out of a molehill because people just don't talk like actual humans to each other.

So Mum just walked in to a room I was in and said "are you ok", I replied "no" and she said "I'm going to use the bathroom". Fuck her!

Your mum thinks you are in the wrong. I know when this has been the case with me I sometimes say nothing more in case I say something I will regret.

Complaints from OP that guests say it is nice that they are cooking for them, but then they don't come home in time to eat it. However OP makes it clear that she decided to cook the meal. It is a polite response when someone says they are going to cook a nice meal to say that will be nice. OP had also said they could come home when they want, but she had assumed they would only be out a few hours. No one had said how long they will be out. So no the guests were not refusing to come home in time to eat it, OP just had a scenario in her head of when they would eat but failed to communicate it.

Even if she communicated poorly, it's no justification for them blanking her in her own house for hours afterwards. Total overreaction and very immature. Maybe the whole family are poor communicators lol.

If you wanted your children in bed early, you should have kept them at home or specified beforehand that you wanted them to be back by X time.

It does sound like you have a bit of a martyr complex, to be honest. And this doesn't mean that you're family aren't really nasty people (they do sound unpleasant). But it sounds like you have been placing yourself in that position.

Yes the whole family might be poor communicators. No if I am angry at relatives I do not refuse to speak to them.
But both sides are at fault here. OP does not seem to understand why they could be angry with her in the first place. The way they are expressing that anger is not okay though.
But that is why I said it is like an episode of Eastenders. Very minor things that could be sorted if only people involved talked to each other reasonably. Not just the OP, but everyone. Everyone is to blame here.

Apparently you need to be an asshole for nobody to treat you like an asshole!

Um no, but if you behave like a doormat assholes will treat you as one. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you in a lot of cases, if you are happy to be treated with contempt that's what you will receive.

You don't have to be or behave like an asshole to be treated with respect, you just have to be firm, set your boundaries and stand by them. You have more power than you think you have, it is your home, they are invited guests the invite can be rescinded at any time, the rules and the manner in which you are treated in your home are the ones you set.

it is your home, they are invited guests the invite can be rescinded at any time, the rules and the manner in which you are treated in your home are the ones you set.

Exactly. If my sister came to my home and started to insult and denigrate me, she'd be out on her ear immediately. That's just not acceptable.

Oh my life, OP I hope you get through today and the distance thing is definitely the way to go but it's worrying that you have been conditioned to not argue, they are all bullies!! It's quite frankly disgusting but you hold the power here, they are in your house and ignoring you WTF!!

If things don't improve today I would be putting my foot down, their behaviour is absolutely disgusting let alone what they are teaching their kids.... If they want to act like that, they can pack their stuff and leave. Do not let them make you feel inferior in your own home!!

As jennymanara said. They ar annoyed with you because you put them in the situation that is leaving you fuming.

As said, if you are not happy to treat your hosts, just don't do it in the first place. It's much easier to deal with someone saying no sorry, how about you go out, or we arrange microwavable meals, then saying ok I'll stay and slave to please you but just so you know, I'll resent you for it later.

*So Mum just walked in to a room I was in and said "are you ok", I replied "no" and she said "I'm going to use the bathroom". Fuck her!

Your mum thinks you are in the wrong. I know when this has been the case with me I sometimes say nothing more in case I say something I will regret.*

An alternative interpretation is that her mother can't accept that the OP is upset because then she'd have to deal with it. That's how it would be in my family.

As an example, my mum and I once met up at my sibling's and stayed for the weekend (we were invited). As well as her usual spiteful behaviour towards me all the time I had to put up with my sibling talking about 'MY mum', 'MY grandparents' and talking about things that had happened without me. It slightly annoyed me (especially the continuous possession of our relatives) but I let it slide.

The last day we were walking back to the station. Sibling had stormed off ahead for no particular reason, and Mum and I were reminiscing about a holiday we'd taken together (which sibling had been invited on but had refused). When we were still about 20 yards away my mum told me we had to stop talking about it, as sibling would be upset if she overheard.

That was the straw that broke the camel's back and I'm ashamed to say I ended up crying. Why is it ok for sibling to continuously keep me out of conversations, but the slightest risk it might happen to her and the conversation gets closed down?

On the phone to me the next day my mother told me that "You weren't really upset yesterday, WERE YOU?" There was no room whatsoever for the fact that I may have been upset.

Finally, serve them up fucking sandwiches for lunch. Won't eat sandwiches indeed, who do they think they are??

So you would be fine if living with family abroad to be served goat curry? Or battered chicken feet? Or would you expect them to take into account what you are used to eating and make some adaptations. Because I know who I think is the rude one here.

Firstly, I pretty much eat what is put in front of me, so no, I would not have a problem with eating those things if a host had prepared them for a meal.

Secondly, I would not dream of staying somewhere and dictating what I eat to my host, I would also offer to help cook a share of the meals, or take my hosts out for meals as a thank you for letting me stay. If I had dietary requirements I would prepare the food myself rather than have my hosts prepare several versions of the same dish just to suit me.

Thirdly, the family member lives abroad, but my understanding is that they are from the UK originally so will know that sandwiches at lunchtime is pretty standard. It is hardly having to adjust to a different culture.

So we obviously have different definitions of rudeness if you think it is ok to be a guest in someones house and make demands on them about what you eat and then ignore them in their own home.

@swingofthings but OP hasn't said she resents staying home to cook. She simply asked that her kids were brought home in time for bed, which should be obvious to grandparents that care about their grandchildren, and even if they don't care they'd already implied they would be back by then which is why OP didn't explicitly state it earlier.

OP didn't go out of the way to martyr herself, the ingredients were bought before they decided on their spontaneous trip. And yes maybevtheyd keep but that's a red herring really.

I did read all the posts by the OP and to suggest that because I don't agree means I haven't is really passive aggressive. I did not comment on how people are treating you afterwards. I was responding to your original request for help to see how the rest of your family might be interpreting these events. It does sound like they have reacted strongly but that does not mean that you were blameless n the first place does it? You did not communicate well, you chose to let your children go with grandparents despite their being very tired and then you expect them to cut short their visit by an hour - and you don't see this as being something you need to take responsibility and apologise for. You are welcome to disagree with me but you are not doing so in a respectful manner which makes me wonder whether you are also contributing to the hideous tension in your house right now.

She simply asked that her kids were brought home in time for bed, which should be obvious to grandparents that care about their grandchildren
But surely the kids being tired impacted on them, not OP. They clearly were happy to have them longer, so were dealing with it well.

Why insist they come back when it had no impact on OP? I agree with the family, it was their chance to spend fun time with family, so what if they are tired? I can see you it would have come across as an excuse to demand they come back to suit OP and when dinner was ready for.

@swingofthings I would hope they'd come back because it was impacting on the poor kids, never mind the grandparents or OP

It would also impact on them all if they remained tired the next day but I think the primary concern of OP's is for the kids welfare, since nobody else seems to care

I know what you mean about having fun as a family and one night wouldn't hurt etc but OP has provided the background that the kids had been up late a lot during the visit and were starting to feel the effects

Reminds me of when I had a tiny baby and needed to get him down for a nap and someone said "oh he can stay up, we don't mind if he's tired and cries" - surely you care enough about how the baby feels to want them to be comfortable?!

Jennymanara

You're contradicting yourself 🤷🏻‍♀️

In your earlier post you said that 'no-one was being unreasonable' (while strongly criticising the OP). In later post you agree the guests' rudeness is not acceptable. Which is what I said.

You selectively chose one piece of dialogue out of context. How about all the other info OP has given? Her sibling ignoring her 5 times, coming into utter silence last night etc?

No excuse for that. It doesn't sound like Eastenders. It's just rude.

I feel for you my in laws ignore anything I ask say I want for the children. DH and I now have a deal that clear expectations will be set out by him and if his parents don’t listen he will take charge.

Maybe a good heart to heart with no accusations is needed which focuses on the children’s needs rather than any hurt feelings?

@H2OH20Everywhere

I'm sorry to read this. And I get it. You've described the particular dynamic that OP finds herself in really well.

Who said the kids were miserable? Maybe they were having a great time and not showing signs of tiredness. Maybe they'd have a nap in the car.

I'm all for routine with little ones, but when family comes once in a while, it's normal to be flexible.

I do agree with you that a bit of flexibility is a great thing when seeing family occasionally, but OP has said that this was one of several late nights because they'd been with family for a little while. She said the kids were broken. She also said if they had a nap in the car that would spell disaster for bedtime and that the next day they would suffer as well.

If my kids were broken, I'd want to advocate for them too. The adrenaline might have kept them going and maybe they were having fun but for them to come home a bit earlier sounds like the best thing for them

It seems like the kids' needs don't matter as long as adults enjoy themselves

@swingofthings since one of the DC cried herself to sleep through over tiredness I'd say it must've been pretty obvious those kids were tired.

OP hope you have as pleasant a day as possible. DOn't let the bastards get you down as they say

Ok yesterday was a bit of a miscommunication disaster but let’s not let it spoil things. I’m really looking forward to it. Are we cool? Let’s have a hug.

Lovely as this post is, it made me laugh out loud. I cannot even IMAGINE suggesting this to my family. They would literally lstate at me in stony silence and ask me if I needed medication.

Oh to have a lovely family that would actually feel able to even suggest such a thing with the possibility it might happen.

I am going to do this with my own children from now on so they might grow up thinking this is normal.

Thanks to the poster who suggested it.

@EarringsandLipstick My point was that everyone is to blame. Not that OP or her family were to blame. Not contradicting myself at all.