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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...

670 replies

NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 19:38

Family visiting from abroad, staying in our house, they're very welcome.

They wanted to go out to a certain place this afternoon but I was cooking dinner for everyone and clearing up lunch pots. So they went out and I stayed home.

Two cars: 4 adults and 4 children.

I called at 5pm and asked what time they'd be home and was told they wouldn't be setting off for another hour.

I asked my parents to bring my kids home sooner as they're tired and I wanted them to be in bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Well... it's caused a massive hoohah!!!

I've been told that they're on holiday and don't want to be summoned back for dinner at a certain time. There's been an argument and I'm being ignored!

  • this is also my holiday (we stay in England for the summer so we can see them when they visit).
  • they could've told me they didn't want dinner when I stayed home to cook it.
  • I wasn't asking them to come back.
  • I thought they were here to see us.
  • my house is not a b&b.
  • my children are so tired from many late nights that they've been crying at everything today.

So, why am I the villain?

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 09/08/2019 11:07

@NannaNoodleman You shouldn’t feel sick, you should feel furious. Absolutely furious.

I know how hard it is to stand up to bullying family members when you’ve been conditioned to do so. I had decades of it from my Mother, enabled by my Dad. What stopped me in my tracks was the example I was setting my daughter though; how could I expect her to respect me - and respect herself - when I was prepared to let people punish me with silent treatment and disrespect me in my own home?

You do not need to get into any sort of protracted debate with your family. You simply need to remember that you are an adult and a mother and you have every right to be listened to and treated like an adult in your own house.

If a stranger came into your house, refused to eat sandwiches for lunch, aggressively walked all over you and told you what to do, would you “feel sick” and “feel lonely”? Bet you wouldn’t.

Time to set some basic boundaries, even if all you say is “Right everyone, in this house we do not give people the cold shoulder, we do not punish people with silent treatment and we do not disrespect each other. Those are MY house rules and this is MY house. I’m not having a debate about it and I’m not discussing this any more. You either start treating me with respect or you find somewhere else to stay.”

Then march upstairs. Your voice might shake and you might feel sick but trust me, use your anger and you will feel much better afterwards.

faw2009 · 09/08/2019 11:12

A bit of research on available nearby Airbnb / hotels?

Might make you feel a bit better. If they are still acting up, you could present them with your research. You wouldn't be turfing them out into the cold then!

TeddybearBaby · 09/08/2019 11:18

I just had my sibling visit from abroad and stay with my sister. She cooked numerous times for the whole family - around 13 of us. It was just a lovely thing for her to do. Don’t think it makes her a fool tbh.

Where me and you differ is I wouldn’t have asked the gp’s to bring the kids home. Would’ve accepted that I should have kept them with me and learnt from that. I wouldn’t want to break up the day for the sake of an hour to put kids in bed.

I hope it gets resolved soon!

Summerwellunderway · 09/08/2019 11:20

The nasty fuckers ate the meal without you? Jeez op they don't see you a a family do they? Staff maybe - don't open your home to them again.
Your sibling is an utter twat.

MrsSarahSiddons · 09/08/2019 11:21

I don’t know where you live OP or whether your weather is anything like ours today, but I really really hope that when you go out your sibling falls full length into a deep puddle.

Homebird8 · 09/08/2019 11:22

Yep, they definitely think they are superior in all areas - despite me being a specialist in my field they will argue the toss over something I have done research in!

And yet you say your sibling is clever and you can’t hold a candle to them. Most people don’t do research. Who has got you thinking you are inferior? Their behaviour puts them in that position, not you.

OliviaBenson · 09/08/2019 11:24

I hope it's sandwiches for tea tonight!

Tonnerre · 09/08/2019 11:26

@minimonkey11 wins today's prize for total failure to RTFT and gratuitous OP bashing.

Nousernameforme · 09/08/2019 11:28

oh this sounds awful have skimmed through last few posts so I don't know how long you have left with them.

Just ride it out and when they have gone text both sibling and parents to say due to atmosphere and different expectations you think it's best they all find somewhere else to stay if they want to visit uk again.

MirandaGoshawk · 09/08/2019 11:33

It's not easy to ask family to move to a hotel. I sympathise with you, OP. I have no advice other than to value yourself - you sound as if you have been a doormat and they are happy to treat you as one. If you are cooking it's NBU to expect people back at a previously agreed time, or they can be flexible but it will mean a takeaway/ egg on toast. Next time, go with them and everyone can clear up! Also, make sure that everyone communicates and no-one is expected to mind read.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/08/2019 11:33

guests are siblings - who are rude

no way i would put up with that behaviour in my own house

and they wont eat sandwiches - wtf - no way i would be cooking 2 meals a day, esp with extre hassle of dietry issues on top

i would also expect parents to not take sides

in hindsight, yes saying no taking dc as tired would have been good

or telling them dinner would be 6pm be back

but yes brother has over reacted big time !!!!

Tonnerre · 09/08/2019 11:35

I was going to say there was no reason why you shouldn't "force" your niece and nephew out, i.e. tell their parents that they need to leave - however, if there are only two days to go I guess you may as well ride it out in preference to having another major drama. I would suggest however giving serious consideration to writing something repeating your point of view and stressing how totally unacceptable their recent behaviour has been so that you won't be hosting them again.

MrsSarahSiddons · 09/08/2019 11:45

OP has not said that the sibling is male. Could be a sister not a brother. Still a prize twat.

Riv · 09/08/2019 11:55

MrsSarah sorry I thought I had seen a “he” written somewhere, but stupidity I did assume a brother from the description- I really need to examine my sexist thought patterns. Thank you.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 09/08/2019 11:57

I think this whole situation is scandalous.Your parents and your husband have let you down by letting you be treated so shabbily.I know my husband wouldnt have stood for me being treated so badly in a million years...

BowiesJumper · 09/08/2019 11:57

Oh @NannaNoodleman this is horrible. What a strange overreaction from all of them. I feel really sorry for you and I hope today's trip isn't too painful.

HappyParent2000 · 09/08/2019 12:01

Firstly your not wrong, but you need to have sorted it before they went out.

People hate unexpected change. If your in a situation like this try and plan ahead, if not accept the situation as it is and work around it.

Resilience is a key skill, a well thought through compromise or plan will often be easier to work with and sometimes easier to modify vs a surprise change.

SeaToSki · 09/08/2019 12:03

I also cant believe that after you stayed in to cook a full in dinner with 4 different dietary requirements, they all sat down and ate it all without you, while you were upstairs putting the tired dc to bed (which took longer because of how tired they are due to siblings insistence on late nights earlier in the week). Just absolutely amazed at the sheer front of them. OP you have my sincerest sympathies for the crappy family you have

NotEven · 09/08/2019 12:09

What an awful situation OP. They sound horrible. I don’t think you did anything wrong at all.

Geschwister4 · 09/08/2019 12:22

I don't think yabu at all OP, I understand your POV about not asking them to leave, I am also a people pleaser and would probably grin and bear it. BUT- where is your DH in all of this? I know everyone is different but my DH would have booted the lot out the moment he found me hiding upstairs in my own homes with them ignoring me downstairs whilst eating my cooked meal and quaffing wine! But he is not a people pleaser at all and would give not one shit about what people think of him in this situation.

It also does not matter what your oh-so -clever sibling thinks, you just open the front door and say I want you to leave, over and over until they do. They are grown adults, they can find a hotel/B& B /Air B&B. Their children's accommodation requirements are not down to you, they are down to their parents who are behaving like tossers. They are capable of getting from their home abroad to yours, driving themselves around, they can find somewhere else to stay, they really can. They are not incapable, they are bullies. Stay strong but don't apologise, you have done enough for them.

Finally, serve them up fucking sandwiches for lunch. Won't eat sandwiches indeed, who do they think they are??

jennymanara · 09/08/2019 12:24

OP I think you are not seeing it from others people point of view.
Up till now people have eaten microwave meals and eaten out. You decided it would be nice to cook a lunch and evening meal.
Guests, your parents and DCs went out leaving you because you had decided to cook. No one asked you to, although it is a nice thing to do. You tell them just to let you know when they are heading home.
You ring at 5pm and ask when are they bringing your kids back home, and when they say in an hour, you say they need to bring them back now. You also say that you thought it would give your parents a rest.

Realistically no one asked you to cook a meal from scratch which set up this situation. Of course they were all going to come back. It would be really rude as the guests to say to your parents and your kids, okay you go back and we will come back later. I would as a guest felt I had to go back as well.

You thought you were doing something nice for your guests by cooking a nice meal, but you did not communicate what this meant i.e. your kids would have to be brought back by 5pm. Instead you assumed they would only be a few hours.

No one is unreasonable here, but there are a lot of assumptions and a lack of communication.

And in some cultures it is normal to eat two cooked meals a day. But you already know this could be microwave meals or eat out.

jennymanara · 09/08/2019 12:26

Finally, serve them up fucking sandwiches for lunch. Won't eat sandwiches indeed, who do they think they are??

So you would be fine if living with family abroad to be served goat curry? Or battered chicken feet? Or would you expect them to take into account what you are used to eating and make some adaptations. Because I know who I think is the rude one here.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/08/2019 12:28

Great answer @NannaNoodleman

Well, I don't really care for you sympathy drum. I won't have an argument because a bunch of strangers have told me to. I know how my family dynamic works. It'll be best all round to ride it out and then impose some distance.

I think it would be vastly more upsetting (for you) as well as unproductive to have a row, or challenge them / throw them out.

I too recognise some elements of the family dynamics. It's really tough. I think that you have a good perception of where things lie, and you have decided what you'll do in the future - good call.

Sorry it happened tho 💐

tobedtoMNandfart · 09/08/2019 12:31

I'd bet big money your sibling is a narcissist as the behaviour you describe is that you've triggered a narcissistic rage. Have been through very similar you have my utmost sympathies. Whatever the ins and outs of the situation you deserve to not be treated like shit in your own home. Never have them again 💐

Summerwellunderway · 09/08/2019 12:31

Shove a take away menu on the table tonight op.