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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...

670 replies

NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 19:38

Family visiting from abroad, staying in our house, they're very welcome.

They wanted to go out to a certain place this afternoon but I was cooking dinner for everyone and clearing up lunch pots. So they went out and I stayed home.

Two cars: 4 adults and 4 children.

I called at 5pm and asked what time they'd be home and was told they wouldn't be setting off for another hour.

I asked my parents to bring my kids home sooner as they're tired and I wanted them to be in bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Well... it's caused a massive hoohah!!!

I've been told that they're on holiday and don't want to be summoned back for dinner at a certain time. There's been an argument and I'm being ignored!

  • this is also my holiday (we stay in England for the summer so we can see them when they visit).
  • they could've told me they didn't want dinner when I stayed home to cook it.
  • I wasn't asking them to come back.
  • I thought they were here to see us.
  • my house is not a b&b.
  • my children are so tired from many late nights that they've been crying at everything today.

So, why am I the villain?

OP posts:
Atalune · 09/08/2019 10:19

I think you are compelled to say something. Even if it’s just something light like-

Ok yesterday was a bit of a miscommunication disaster but let’s not let it spoil things. I’m really looking forward to it. Are we cool? Let’s have a hug.

Be the bigger person and try and get everyone past it.

GPatz · 09/08/2019 10:22

'Mine were going to festivals at that age and dancing in wellies and pj's and last night my 7 year old had a sleep over and they were stil watching horrid henry at midnight'.

Lol. You want a cool patent medal or something?

marfisa · 09/08/2019 10:22

I agree that if you move the thread to Relationships, you will get plenty of advice on how to deal with toxic/dysfunctional families.

Ledkr · 09/08/2019 10:23

Fwiw I felt a lot better about my pil visits (infamous on mum's net) when I stopped russeling up delicious meals for them and feeling furious when we went to theirs and went hungry or ate value bread and cheap marge. 😜

user12346755 · 09/08/2019 10:23

They are bullies, all of them.

Juells · 09/08/2019 10:23

Ok yesterday was a bit of a miscommunication disaster but let’s not let it spoil things. I’m really looking forward to it. Are we cool? Let’s have a hug.

That's a new level of "Walk all over me and I'll still be smiling and jolly and appeasing".

However...I speak as someone who refused to have my PiL in my house after some unpleasantness. It is possible to stand up for yourself.

H2OH20Everywhere · 09/08/2019 10:24

How much longer are they staying for? I presume you won't be cooking for them again. And I wouldn't provide anything more than sandwiches for lunch - they do not need two cooked meals a day and if they want anything else they can sort themselves out.

Your family dynamics reminds me very much of my own. My sibling has to be in charge and will tantrum if they don't get their own way. My mother long ago gave up arguing which made them worse, as they now reckon they are entitled to having the world fall at their feet, and sod what anyone else thinks. To give an example, at MY graduation they tantrummed because the family photo didn't have them in the centre, and then because they hadn't chosen the restaurant we ate at afterwards. They'd already had two graduations so it wasn't as though they were jealous I was doing something they hadn't.

My mother will mainly choose to appease them over me, so I get walked over in her attempt to keep them happy. They had a meltdown years ago when I took a set of books from mum's house which mum had given to me years before (with their permission, though it was sod all to do with them, and had bought them their own set as well to keep the peace). They decided that they were theirs, simply because they'd seen them, and screamed at my mother that I'd stolen them. My mother then told me that I was looking after them for sibling, and had to give them over if they ever visited and asked for them. I told her years later that this made me feel of less worth than dog poo on her shoe.

I have nothing to do with my sibling, and once all our relatives are dead never hope to see them again. In the meantime I've built up my own family of close friends. Oh, and sibling is never allowed to visit.

mogtheexcellent · 09/08/2019 10:24

How much longer are they going to be staying? You really need to kick them all out after todays trip out. You did not do anything wrong that I can see and I would be equally annoyed.

There is no excuse to disrespect you in your own house. There will be a fallout but why should you be made to feel like shit??

MyOtherProfile · 09/08/2019 10:28

Is Dh home today? Have you gone to the event?

HappydaysArehere · 09/08/2019 10:28

My goodness. They are staying with you. Where is there consideration for you? If they want dinner they should at least have asked you what time they would be back, especially if they have young children with them. After this I would ask them what their plans are and give them a sandwich for lunch. If they plan to be late Iwould say it was too late for the children so encourage them to do their own thing including eating out.

73Sunglasslover · 09/08/2019 10:28

If your children needed to be back at a certain time this should have been discussed before they left - when the day was being planned. I don't think it's OK to call up an demand their immediate return. Their grandparents were clearly enjoying the day with their family and cutting it short at immediate notice it not considerate and not OK. I totally see you as the 'villian' here (though that is over-stating it a little!). If your children were too tired for the full day perhaps they should not have gone. I don't think any of your points of justification are valid. They will see you at other times, you could have gone today and planned a meal which did not require you to stay at home, it's their holiday too so why shouldn't they do things they like, and they are not treating your home like a B&B.

TheFaerieQueene · 09/08/2019 10:30

I would get a sudden bout of D&V - I’m sure you can make the appropriate sounds from the bathroom - and tell them it is best they leave before they all catch it! 😁

Iamdobby63 · 09/08/2019 10:32

So after they all ate said meal did they at least thank you?

Drum2018 · 09/08/2019 10:44

This is bullying behaviour. I'm not able to confront them but they won't be staying again. If they want to visit, they can book a hotel and have a nice stress free holiday.

I'm tempted to tell my parents to book a b&b too on their next visit.

I'm absolutely sick of being walked over by people. I'm not going to have an argument but I'm done.

I'm quickly losing sympathy for you op. Numerous posters have told you to end their visit, send them off to a hotel but here you are allowing them to continue their shit treatment of you in your own home. For fuck sake stand up for yourself and tell them to leave. So what if their kids are upset if they have to go early. That's their parents fault. As long as you continue to be a doormat for them to wipe their shit stained shoes on, you will be bullied. It's time to end this and show them you are no longer willing to let them treat you and your Dh like this. I can't believe your Dh is allowing this treatment either. What kind of role models are you both to your children if you let people walk all over you?

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 10:44

DH is at work.

We're about to leave the house for the event... can't wait!!

They're here for another couple of days: just need to get through today, DH will be here tomorrow and then we'll just be waiting for them to leave.

OP posts:
GirlsBlouse17 · 09/08/2019 10:48

Hope it goes okay today OP Flowers

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 10:49

Well, I don't really care for you sympathy drum. I won't have an argument because a bunch of strangers have told me to. I know how my family dynamic works. It'll be best all round to ride it out and then impose some distance.

Apparently I'm a doormat for cooking for guests and for not entering into a no-win argument ... ok, fair enough.

There's been some absolutely wonderfully supportive comments on here and it's really helped as at this moment I don't think I could feel lonelier!

OP posts:
Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 10:52

@H2OH20Everywhere kindred spirit! It's fucked up. Apparently you need to be an asshole for nobody to treat you like an asshole!

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 09/08/2019 10:53

They all sound like twats and I'm glad you won't be having them to stay again.

If I stay with someone and they cook and clear up for me etc, I fall over myself to be accommodating. I can't imagine refusing to eat a sandwich they made me or making a fuss about other guests needing to leave to come home at a particular time, especially if the host's children were involved.

Some posters on here are being right arseholes.

Riv · 09/08/2019 10:55

Read the full thread sunglasslover All op wanted was her small children to be home in time for bed.

Grandparents agreed until brother decided he knew better and threw a strop.
They chose to roll over and appease the man child and take out their frustration at being bollocked on the daughter, who is being a good hostess, daughter and parent.
This is not unusual behaviour for the grandparents- they tend to blame their daughter for the infantile entitled behaviour of their son on a regular basis.
Now all of the guests are bullying the hostess, ignoring her and making her life unpleasant in order to punish her for the reasonable request of wanting her children home in time for bed after a week of staying up late.
And you blame her for this as well!

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 10:58

I have very different standards when I'm a guest in someone else's house. I do respect other people's difference though. However, it's downright rude to tell someone it'd be lovely if they cook and then you naff off out at dinner time (not talking about this situation just what other posters have suggested)!

OP posts:
Riv · 09/08/2019 10:59

Flowers Flowers Flowers to you op.
Just two more days!

GirlsBlouse17 · 09/08/2019 10:59

From what I've read, your sibling is an abusive bully and your parents are scared of him and so it's easier for your parents to be annoyed with you because you unwittingly stirred something up and it's easier for them to side with him rather than confront him. I can understand you not being able to confront your sibling because it's not in your nature and because it's deep rooted in your family. I hope they aren't staying with you for much longer. It's a shame your husband isn't able to say something to them. In future, don't invite them to stay at yours. Perhaps later you can speak to your parents when sibling has gone home. Tell them you are disappointed in them and are sad they sided with your sibling when you hadn't done anything wrong Flowers

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 11:01

@Riv it's good to see these perspectives, it gives me an insight into their thought process... but I don't think sunglasslover read the thread!

OP posts:
Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 11:04

DH is going to have a chat with my dad later.

They're leaving in a couple of days and then I'll be applying distance.

Sibling's behaviour has become worse over the years and I don't enjoy their company anymore. There's a couple of light hearted, fun moments but the relationship load is on me and I don't get an equal exchange. It's tiring!

OP posts: