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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...

670 replies

NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 19:38

Family visiting from abroad, staying in our house, they're very welcome.

They wanted to go out to a certain place this afternoon but I was cooking dinner for everyone and clearing up lunch pots. So they went out and I stayed home.

Two cars: 4 adults and 4 children.

I called at 5pm and asked what time they'd be home and was told they wouldn't be setting off for another hour.

I asked my parents to bring my kids home sooner as they're tired and I wanted them to be in bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Well... it's caused a massive hoohah!!!

I've been told that they're on holiday and don't want to be summoned back for dinner at a certain time. There's been an argument and I'm being ignored!

  • this is also my holiday (we stay in England for the summer so we can see them when they visit).
  • they could've told me they didn't want dinner when I stayed home to cook it.
  • I wasn't asking them to come back.
  • I thought they were here to see us.
  • my house is not a b&b.
  • my children are so tired from many late nights that they've been crying at everything today.

So, why am I the villain?

OP posts:
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 09/08/2019 09:49

I think I'd plan a letter/email after they all leave, OP. Something along the lines of:

"I'd like to address what happened on the evening of . I apologise for not clearly communicating beforehand that I would like my children to be brought home by X time - it's obvious I didn't explain that clearly, given how surprised everyone was. I'm sorry about that.

However, I must admit I'm completely bemused by your subsequent reactions. I was ignored and belittled in my own home, despite having apologised at the time, and treated with utter contempt for the next 24 hours. I really think that your reactions were completely disproportionate given the initial error; how on earth would you have reacted if I'd actively done something offensive?

I have decided, based on this incident, that everyone will be far happier if we all stay in separate accommodation in for future visits. We would be very happy to meet at venues outside the home, as we do want to see you and to have the children together, but I will not accept being made to feel like a criminal in my own home. That is unacceptable to me.

I neither expect or need a reply to this message; I will just repeat that we look forward to meeting up with you at independent venues on future visits.

Nanna"

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 09/08/2019 09:50

We would be very happy to meet at venues

We (as in, myself, DH and the DC) would be very happy..... doh!

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 09:53

I think my dad is pissed off at me because I rocked the boat. Fuck him!

OP posts:
Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 09:55

Mum just walked in to a room I was in and said "are you ok", I replied "no" and she said "I'm going to use the bathroom". Fuck her!

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 09/08/2019 09:55

I think your parents are being rude. Also your guests.

You are hosting them all, you stayed home to cook a complicated dinner for all of them, and they went out for a couple of hours but then didn't come home at a reasonable hour for your young kids and dinner. It probably would have been a good idea to be clear what time you wanted the kids home for bed.

You aren't a B&B, although this behaviour by your parents and guests suggests that they think you are. It's all very well for them to complain that you're spoiling their holiday, but you're on holiday too. A little consideration on their part, even gratitude, would go a long way. YANBU - they are.

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 09:56

I wasn't cooking all the meals.. we'd had some microwave meals and eaten out.

I was just cooking dinner yesterday.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 09/08/2019 09:57

I must admit, if guests behaved like this in my home, they would cease to be guests very quickly!

If your parents aren't staying with you, I'd suggest the guests stay with them instead. But they wouldn't get another invitation.

DobbinsVeil · 09/08/2019 09:58

I'm sorry they're carrying on still. I hope you can enjoy the event. If your parents are spending the next few weeks on tour I'm assuming they just do as instructed by the sandwich-lessers. Maybe show a clip of Mariah Carey walking because her lift broke down. It may inspire.

I wouldn't have a confrontation about it, just next time a visit is discussed say with all things considered, B&B/hotel so everyone can have their own space. You can get recommendations if they want.

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 09:59

The dinner was eaten by all.

It took a while for one of my children to settle and she was so tired she cried herself to sleep. They had eaten by the time I'd come downstairs... when I came downstairs they ignored me!

OP posts:
mateysmum · 09/08/2019 10:01

The more I read of your updates OP it sounds to me like your sibling thinks they are superior in intellect and entitlement and that the whole family should dance to their tune. Everybody has let them get away with this!
You talk about how they will bamboozle you verbally because they are so much more intelligent than you, that they will start an argument if anyone disagrees with them, that they won't eat sandwiches for a meal so you have to cook and clean up twice a day, that they take complete umbridge because you dare to question plans that are causing you problems whilst guests in your home. They have got your parents under their thumb as well. I bet if your sibling was not around, parents would not have an issue with you.
Put all those things together and you must see how toxic your sibling is being and how little care and respect they have for you. Glad you are seeing the light and won't have them to stay again.

Andysbestadventure · 09/08/2019 10:02

OP tell them to go home or to find an air b&b. I would never tolerate being treated like that in my own home and they wouldn't be staying again.

AmmarettoSours · 09/08/2019 10:03

Good on you OP for deciding not to allow this to happen again but i personally would be showing them the door! no way would i allow anyone to treat me like this in my own home especially family!

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 10:04

Yep, they definitely think they are superior in all areas - despite me being a specialist in my field they will argue the toss over something I have done research in! They argue over which road is busiest if I comment on a car journey even though they don't even live in the UK...

They were never this bad before, they've become almost unbearable!

OP posts:
Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 10:06

I spoke about 5 statements directed at sibling before I finally got a response! It's almost comical.

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 09/08/2019 10:07

Your brother is an utter jerk and your family dynamic is mad....

No clue why you are getting such a hard time. FlowersFlowersFlowers

Personally I’d not kick off but I’d serve pasta salad and cold cuts for lunch today etc.
I’d be tempted to give your parents a stern talking to once it’s blown over.

MrsSarahSiddons · 09/08/2019 10:09

Well done on realising you can say Fuck him about your dad and Fuck her about your mum. Now you just have to say Fuck [the sibling’s name].
Out loud if you like.

marfisa · 09/08/2019 10:10

I'm glad you're finding your anger, OP.

You CAN tell them to leave, you really can.

No normal family or normal guests behave like this, it's completely outrageous.

Totalwasteofpaper · 09/08/2019 10:11

Just read the update - they are a shower of arseholes...
I’d really stop all efforts and I would not go on any more outings with them.

Ledkr · 09/08/2019 10:12

I think you are being ott but then I've never really been strict with stuff like this. Mine were going to festivals at that age and dancing in wellies and pj's and last night my 7 year old had a sleep over and they were stil watching horrid henry at midnight.
5 doesn't seem excessively late esp as they were coming back in an hour..

Wilmalovescake · 09/08/2019 10:13

They do sound pretty toxic.

I admire your attitude tbh. Don’t have a big toe, just get through this and then don’t let them stay again. How much longer have you got?

Wellmet · 09/08/2019 10:13

I would cook for the children only from now on. Grab yourself a sandwich. Every meal time until they leave.

DobbinsVeil · 09/08/2019 10:14

I'd be very tempted to keep talking about sandwiches - ranking fillings, debating whether deconstructed sandwiches count, any trivia I could Google.

Gatoadigrado · 09/08/2019 10:14

If your children were ‘broken’ through late nights and exhaustion, as you describe them, wouldn’t it have been better to just keep them at home?

Your family sound like arseholes btw but it seems odd to let the grandparents take the kids out when you knew they’d be worn out

scaryteacher · 09/08/2019 10:17

You don't have to have contact with your sibling, you don't have to like your sibling, and you don't have to have them in your house if you don't want to.

You can get your dh to tell them to improve their behaviour or leave, and if the kids ask why, tell them that their parents were being rude, and you don't have to put up with rude people.

My db turns up at my house, looks at my stuff and tells me to chuck it all out, as according to him I don't need it. I tell him to sod off as his opinion wasn't asked for.

Juells · 09/08/2019 10:18

HRTFT

YWBU to bother your arse cooking for so many people, or for having them to stay in the first place when you have two toddlers. The more you do for people, the more they expect. You're not a hotel.

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