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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...

670 replies

NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 19:38

Family visiting from abroad, staying in our house, they're very welcome.

They wanted to go out to a certain place this afternoon but I was cooking dinner for everyone and clearing up lunch pots. So they went out and I stayed home.

Two cars: 4 adults and 4 children.

I called at 5pm and asked what time they'd be home and was told they wouldn't be setting off for another hour.

I asked my parents to bring my kids home sooner as they're tired and I wanted them to be in bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Well... it's caused a massive hoohah!!!

I've been told that they're on holiday and don't want to be summoned back for dinner at a certain time. There's been an argument and I'm being ignored!

  • this is also my holiday (we stay in England for the summer so we can see them when they visit).
  • they could've told me they didn't want dinner when I stayed home to cook it.
  • I wasn't asking them to come back.
  • I thought they were here to see us.
  • my house is not a b&b.
  • my children are so tired from many late nights that they've been crying at everything today.

So, why am I the villain?

OP posts:
Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 09:19

It'll be impossible to have an open and frank conversation. Sibling will fly off the handle and it'll become an argument. It'll become a thousand times worse.

I can't ask them to leave... i can't force my niece/nephew out of the house. That's not fair on them.

OP posts:
MrsSarahSiddons · 09/08/2019 09:19

Well done Nanna for deciding that you won’t put up with this in future. That’s a great step forward. You will find that once you’ve taken one step like that you will be able to take more. You will be able to stand up for yourself more in future.
I hope the next few days are not too horrible and just keep reminding yourself you will never be hosting them again.

MrsSarahSiddons · 09/08/2019 09:23

For what it’s worth I think the reason your father can’t look you in the eye is that he’s ashamed of the monster he has raised - your sibling - and the fact he has continued to enable sibling’s behaviour.

sourgrapes28 · 09/08/2019 09:23

Yes you can force them out the house, your sibling couldn't give a shiny shit about you or your kids so return the favour.

MrsSarahSiddons · 09/08/2019 09:25

Get a small piece of paper and write out the number of hours that are left before they leave. It’s deeply satisfying to cross off each hour as it goes past.

Linseedlill · 09/08/2019 09:27

Op, I get it. If you are catering for ten it does take time and planning. And for those saying don't have a hot meal twice, in fact making sandwiches or setting out a picnic for that many is just as much a pain as cooking one big dish. Eating out gets very expensive for that number of people too. I know, because I regularly cater for 12 in the summer. We've tried rotas and things but it rarely works out tbh so I end up doing the majority of it. It sounds as though your family aren't very appreciative.

Having said all of that, it was obviously a misunderstanding in this instance and I would go and talk to everyone about it.

Just for info, I don't quite understand where you are. Are you an expat with a holiday home in the UK? If so, you must end up hosting a lot!

squiglet111 · 09/08/2019 09:27

I think you should say something.

At the end of the day they are in your house and you have every right to ask them to leave. Your sibling should be tip towing around you, not treating you like dirt in your own home!

Tell them they are rude and ungrateful and if they aren't going to treat you with respect in your own home then they can leave.

Also why are you being such a walk over? Guests want two cooked meals a day? Stop being a doormat! They can cook their own two meals a day! How rude and ungrateful they are to treat you like this after all the cooking / hosting youve been doing etc

I hope at the very least you leave them to it and only cook for own from now on. They treat you like shit regardless.... So why bother?

FlyMayBe · 09/08/2019 09:27

Hope things are a little better today, OP.

IMO, you and your DH need to stand firm. Spell it out to them all. It is your holiday too, and they have no right to treat you in such an appalling way in your own home.

No hot meals at lunchtime. Diddums won't eat sandwiches? He can go out and buy a hot lunch then. You get to decide when your own children need to be home by, and they need to abide by that. Your 'D'B is a VVV CF.
In allowing his bullying behaviour to go unchallenged, everyone else is enabling him. Tell your DH that you need his support. Time to establish some basic ground rules regarding what rude bullying behaviour you will no longer accept.

MN favourite words and phrases are your friends here.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
That's an interesting perspective.
That doesn't work for me.
No.

Longer term, I recommend reading two excellent books by Susan Forward - Toxic Parents, and Toxic In-Laws. I can honestly say that these books have saved my marriage - and my sanity.

Giving you a handhold here, OP, and sending you some positive thoughts. You've got this - you just don't know it yet. ThanksStar

Linseedlill · 09/08/2019 09:28

Sorry, ignore that last paragraph, I see you stay in the UK to host family from abroad. It's still a lot of work if you are doing this every year though.

MsTSwift · 09/08/2019 09:30

My family are wonderful and lovely but hosting anyone (unless on paid basis with clear boundaries) for longer than 3 days just doesn’t work. Tensions you didn’t know existed rise to the surface. Add in different aged kids and parenting styles - nightmare.

It works ok in neutral territory like a holiday home that can be fine. But our extended family we now have a 3 night rule for stays in each other’s houses. Day 3 bil went to sit in their garden. In December. My parents other sister and I and our families were gone in under an hour Grin

Damntheman · 09/08/2019 09:31

Your family are being total arseholes OP.

Anyone here saying you were unreasonable CLEARLY doesn't have toddlers. An hour makes the world of difference at bedtime, particularly when it's been a whole week of it! Grief. I can let my 6 year old be late to bed for that long, but if I do it with my 3 year old we are in a WORLD of grief.

I can't believe how dramatic your family are being! Dicks!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 09/08/2019 09:34

Somehow I missed a massive chunk of the thread when I posted. Things are obviously more serious than I thought. OP, I think it's time to ask your DH to to take control of the situation. It's his home too, he has a right to say something and he should. The guests are being extremely rude, they are bullying you, it really isn't on. They can stay, or go, but the current atmosphere isn't any good for anybody. They might take it from him. I don't see why you should have to confront the situation and be even more of the bad guy.

DrunkUnicorn · 09/08/2019 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LutherRalph1 · 09/08/2019 09:36

My god, tell your guests to leave! They sound like pricks. Ignoring you, bollocking your parents all while staying in your house? Are they actually contributing at all whilst you fanny around doing all different variations of meals for them?

squiglet111 · 09/08/2019 09:36

What happened with dinner in the end? Did they eat your dinner in the end? Or did it go to waste?

Neither situation would be great to be honest. If they ate it while ignoring you.... Pricks

If they ate out and let your food go to waste..... Pricks

Nofunkingworriesmate · 09/08/2019 09:38

Maybe you should have gone with then and had fun or enjoyed an afternoon off by yourself and got fish and chips, spending whole afternoon cleaning cooking is bonkers. Cook is a company that do lovely home cooked microwave/ oven meals

LutherRalph1 · 09/08/2019 09:38

How would you feel if, in the future one of your kids were behaving like this? And you were too scared to say anything to them?

Also, I know this isn't your responsibility, but a terrible example is being set for your nieces and nephews. People can treat others as they like as long as they fully off the handle when confronted, they can just get away with things

Apologies for rant and double post, it would appear this is a bit of a trigger for me

Reallybadidea · 09/08/2019 09:40

If they're anything like my family the silent treatment will stop once they feel they've punished you enough. Good luck today xx

Linseedlill · 09/08/2019 09:40

Yes, I managed to miss a whole chunk of the thread too!

I'd certainly be telling your sibling to find b&b accommodation next year as your hospitality isn't up to the standard he requires!

bumblingbovine49 · 09/08/2019 09:40

Ignore everyone saying YABU. As you said it is your holiday too
Cooking two full meals a day for.10 people two of whom are toddlers is a lot of work and means you can hardly ever go out for.more than a couple of hours at a time .

Can you not share the cooking of dinner and maybe go out every few days for dinner,?

The tired children is another issue and they temd.to be par dor.thw course on large family holidays when routine goes out.the window a but but I would.be really really peeved to be doing all that work and then having to deal with exhausted toddlers as well!!!

IamHyouweegobshite · 09/08/2019 09:42

I'm sorry you're having such a shit time. How much longer are they meant to be staying? I get that you have an evrnt booked today, but tbh, with the whole atmosphere that they've caused, I'd back out. I'd also tell them why, they have taken the piss, been incredibly rude in your own home. They need to go to a B&B as soon as possible. Flowers

bumblingbovine49 · 09/08/2019 09:43

Sorry. Also missed a chunk o the thread . Wow things are even worse than I thought. YDNBU

rainbowstardrops · 09/08/2019 09:46

Blimey, they sound like ungrateful fuckers!

I mean, I can understand them being a bit pissed off that you rang and asked someone to bring the children home, especially if they were all having fun and you should have stated a time that you wanted the DC back before they left but they are way over the top for the way they are treating you! You were stuck at home cooking them a bloody meal FFS!!!!
Definitely don't have them all to stay again. The cheeky fuckers!

Groovee · 09/08/2019 09:49

Go today, spend the time with your two.

Then tell them to fend for themselves at meal times from now on.

You are right to not want them ever to return. Next year book your holiday while they are here.

Halloumimuffin · 09/08/2019 09:49

I think the way you've been treated in your own home is shocking. You've cooked and hosted for everybody and while perhaps the organisation around the outing could have been better, you weren't even THAT unreasonable about that. For grown ups who are guests in your home to be sulking at you in this way is despicable.

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