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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...

670 replies

NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 19:38

Family visiting from abroad, staying in our house, they're very welcome.

They wanted to go out to a certain place this afternoon but I was cooking dinner for everyone and clearing up lunch pots. So they went out and I stayed home.

Two cars: 4 adults and 4 children.

I called at 5pm and asked what time they'd be home and was told they wouldn't be setting off for another hour.

I asked my parents to bring my kids home sooner as they're tired and I wanted them to be in bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Well... it's caused a massive hoohah!!!

I've been told that they're on holiday and don't want to be summoned back for dinner at a certain time. There's been an argument and I'm being ignored!

  • this is also my holiday (we stay in England for the summer so we can see them when they visit).
  • they could've told me they didn't want dinner when I stayed home to cook it.
  • I wasn't asking them to come back.
  • I thought they were here to see us.
  • my house is not a b&b.
  • my children are so tired from many late nights that they've been crying at everything today.

So, why am I the villain?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 09/08/2019 04:30

You need to ask yourself what is the absolute worst thing that could happen if you were to stand up for yourself.

Look back at your childhood and ask yourself if there was a golden child/scapegoat element to family life.
Was your brother always a turd?
Did your parents always think the sun shone forth from this rear end?

Iamdobby63 · 09/08/2019 07:01

I was so surprised to read that this was a sibling, with the hot lunch I was imagining an elderly couple.

As for what led to this, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Sibling or not, how dare they be so rude to you in your own home! Seriously stop making the effort with them - clearly it’s not appreciated and it sounds like you are bending over backwards to cater for their various demands. Obviously as they are in your home you will have to continue to provide meals but next time they are out then cover all bases, ie ‘are you home for dinner’? If yes then tell them what time it will be ready before they go out.

If they are still giving you the silent treatment then starve them until they get off their high horse! Lol

Loopytiles · 09/08/2019 07:08

prepping, cooking and cleaning up two hot meals a day! Your family must’ve done a number on you, Cinderella.

One meal max, and cold lunch provisions and people can sort themselves out if they want something else.

If you want your toddlers home for a specific time, which is understandable, just keep them home.

Loopytiles · 09/08/2019 07:11

How much longer is their stay with you?

You do not have to “ride it out”. You could say nothing about the events yesterday but stop being a servant with all the cooking and clearing and consider your own - and your DCs - needs and wishes as much as you do your family members. And assert those needs and wishes.

If your sibling kicks off, so be it!

swingofthings · 09/08/2019 07:12

You totally remind of my step mum. She makes a big deal of playing the host, cooking us huge fancy meals, playing the victim that she has to do it and can't join us in the fun, but then control all our activities and timing tu suit her own timing.

The reality is that although we appreciate all she does for us, we'd much rather she chilled out, joined us with the fun and stopped all the pressure with timings that we don't want on holiday. We are happy to help and cook and let her relax too.

It took 5 years for her to get it. However much we tried to make her feel appreciated and go by her scheduled, we always seemed to get it wrong and upset her. Its was very stressful. Now she gets it. She just ask us in the evening what our plans are the next day and in the morning what time we'll be home. We discussed meals and go from there. If we are late, we call her and she either let it for us to reheat, wait to eat later or just say we'll have to cook for ourselves. She is much happier without the pressure and so are we.

Most people don't care to be hosted like Kings and Queens, they want a no stress no pressure holiday time.

Tonnerre · 09/08/2019 07:12

Giving their hosts the silent treatment is completely unacceptable. I think you need to get together with your husband and tell them that if they can't be polite to you they will have to leave. It's their decision whether they go to a hotel or go back home.

Ginger1982 · 09/08/2019 07:26

The reason I was interested in who the guests were was because, had they been an aunt or uncle or grandparent or some other older generation, I might have sucked it up and been respectful and apologetic even if I was convinced I was in the right. But a sibling? Fuck that.

joyfullittlehippo · 09/08/2019 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LynetteScavo · 09/08/2019 07:46

YANBU

Your sibling had a go at your parents while they were out. Your parents got upset and took it out on you (because they're not scared if you). Parents and sibling all now feel bad about it, and know they are in the wrong, but instead of apologising are pretending they are completely right by trying to make you feel bad.

I would breeze it out today, but carry on with meals as normal for the rest of the stay...so if your DC usually eat at 5, make it very clear that will be happening, even if everybody else eats at 7 (if that's what you and your DH do). If you normally have sandwiches for lunch don't pamper to your guests by cooking a hot meal. I think from now on you need to be a bit more upfront and assertive. It's (sort of) five to be a pushover pre-dc, but when you have children you just have to be firm with family, because although they think they know best for your children, they don't; you do.

Teachermaths · 09/08/2019 08:02

OP I hope they are being less shit today.

I echo pps saying stop cooking and serve sandwiches. They'll cope.

You don't deserve any of this.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 09/08/2019 08:05

I’d cut contact with sibling, they sound toxic and treat you like rubbish. I’ve been in your position and now make little effort with a sibling and my life is much easier.

minimonkey11 · 09/08/2019 08:21

Another ‘please tell me if IABU’
A lot of people:’YABU’
OP: ‘no i’m not’ 🤔

MrsSarahSiddons · 09/08/2019 08:27

Mimimonkey have you read the thread? The majority of posters are supporting the OP, especially in view of the guests’ rude behaviour, refusing to speak to or look at OP. They are rude bullies and they are far more unreasonable than OP.

FraterculaArctica · 09/08/2019 08:43

All these people saying "why didn't she insist the children stay at home" - who finds it easy or even possible to prepare a complicated dinner for 10 with a 2 and 3 year old under their feet and no backup?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 09/08/2019 08:45

It's just a bit of miscommunication that's all. You sort of moved the goalposts as has been said, but their reaction was unreasonable. You feel like this because you're tired and stressed. Sounds like you're doing a grand job but you need a breather. Can you have a 'rest' day?

GrassIsntGreener · 09/08/2019 09:01

Wow you're doing so much for them, I hope you can now spend less time staying at home cooking and more time enjoying yourself with them. You said yourself, you're not a b&b.

They reacted terribly. They probably felt like they were being told they were wrong to stay out later and didn't want to abruptly stop their activities. You couldn't understand their feelings on this. Clearly they severely overreacted and you're understandably taken it badly. As would I.

I get that the children are tired but would have let it slide and just stewed about it to myself. Mine have very late nights when we're with family and friends. Sometimes we need to know that there's a bigger picture, and hope they get some extra sleep in the mornings!

I just hope it's all blown over and things are better today.

TatianaLarina · 09/08/2019 09:06

All these people saying "why didn't she insist the children stay at home"

She did say they should stay at home but the family insisted they took them out.

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 09:08

There's still an awful atmosphere.

I got a mumbled "morning" back when I said "good morning". Minimal eye contact and interaction. Most communications are going via the children.

I feel sick. I barely slept last night which won't help.

I can't believe the reaction.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/08/2019 09:09

minimonkey - no it isnt at all its a thread where the family dynamic is such that they all walk on eggshells around one sibling because they know if they dont they will throw a strop and go no contact for a bit.

Presumably now that her children are in play the OP fought back for once and this is the result

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 09:11

I think it's more a case of my OP not being clear and once I'd explained the sequence of events better people are giving some lovely support.

OP posts:
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 09/08/2019 09:13

Oh, OP. You didn't commit the crime of the century - all this for disrupting their outing? Can you imagine how they'd react if you'd accidentally run over their dog?! They must be ridiculously high maintenance, emotionally.

I hope you can keep your distance from them somewhat today. Might that be possible?

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 09:14

This is bullying behaviour. I'm not able to confront them but they won't be staying again. If they want to visit, they can book a hotel and have a nice stress free holiday.

I'm tempted to tell my parents to book a b&b too on their next visit.

I'm absolutely sick of being walked over by people. I'm not going to have an argument but I'm done.

OP posts:
user12346755 · 09/08/2019 09:15

Nanna, you need to have an open and frank conversation with them. If they can't display basic good manners whilst under someone else's roof they need to go.

Reallybadidea · 09/08/2019 09:15

I'm sorry they're still being horrible to you. How much longer are they there? Are you going to go out with them today?

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 09/08/2019 09:17

Unfortunately I can't keep my distance today! I have to go to this event.

Even if I had called yesterday and been a total bitch demanding they return, this level of reaction is weird.

My dad can't even look at me! Fuck! Imagine if they caught me injecting heroin or mugging old people.

OP posts: