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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...

670 replies

NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 19:38

Family visiting from abroad, staying in our house, they're very welcome.

They wanted to go out to a certain place this afternoon but I was cooking dinner for everyone and clearing up lunch pots. So they went out and I stayed home.

Two cars: 4 adults and 4 children.

I called at 5pm and asked what time they'd be home and was told they wouldn't be setting off for another hour.

I asked my parents to bring my kids home sooner as they're tired and I wanted them to be in bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Well... it's caused a massive hoohah!!!

I've been told that they're on holiday and don't want to be summoned back for dinner at a certain time. There's been an argument and I'm being ignored!

  • this is also my holiday (we stay in England for the summer so we can see them when they visit).
  • they could've told me they didn't want dinner when I stayed home to cook it.
  • I wasn't asking them to come back.
  • I thought they were here to see us.
  • my house is not a b&b.
  • my children are so tired from many late nights that they've been crying at everything today.

So, why am I the villain?

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 08/08/2019 22:08

If they can't behave like reasonable adults and show a modicum of respect for you in your own home then irrespective of the consequences to others you tell them to leave. Frankly, I'd be packing their bags for them now and my husband would be helping, there's no way either of us would stand for being treated like that or having our hospitality thrown in our faces.

They must be lacking in intelligence if they can't understand that children get overtired and fractious and the fall-out from that is horrible for the children let alone everyone else.

beestripey · 08/08/2019 22:13

Its incredible how reliant on you they are for accomm, yet manage to treat you like crap. Utter bastards.

I also think unwise to address it now what with tiredness and booze, but its intolerable behaviour. I'd have to tell them to apologise or move out. I've had enough of family arseholes though and have gone NC with who I have had to, and it has been bliss!

Chin up OP Flowers

mathanxiety · 08/08/2019 22:15

Why did I let them go? Because everyone said "oh let them go, they'll have a lovely time"

Ah now, come on..
I was expecting you to say they all broke down sobbing, or grabbed the kids and ran.
You are a pushover. You need to learn to smile and stand your ground. The children could have done with a rest and you knew it.
Failing getting your 'No thank you' across, you should have insisted on a return time for them at least half an hour before you really wanted them home to build in time for cheeky fuckery on the part of your guests from hell..

They sound like the most entitled knobs I have ever come across. They expect two cooked meals a day when you have a 2 yo and a 3 yo? Bloody hell.
And giving you the cold shoulder now? Ably assisted by your parents? Boors and bullies, the lot of them.
Never host them again.

Your DH should really give them a talking to tonight. They are treating his wife like dirt in your own home. I don't think you are the sort to make a fuss and I suspect they are the sort to only listen to a man anyway.

It would be very appropriate if you or your DH were to take the guests aside at the end of their stay and tell them they won't be welcome again and explain why. If neither of you are up for this kind of confrontation, simply don't invite them, or tell them you have other plans if they try to invite themselves.

Go to assertiveness training. To a certain extent, people walk all over you because that is their horrible nature, but there is an element of letting it happen, or coming across as the person who needs them more than they need you that encourages them.

Why did you and DH bend over backward to host these rude people?

Agree with TooManyPaws and many others here.

Genderwitched · 08/08/2019 22:18

I'm angry for you OP, are they going soon.

If I was being treated like this in my own home I'd have a massive meltdown, tell them a few home truths, and go to bed with some wine.

Atalune · 08/08/2019 22:20

Tell your sibling to do one

Sundancer77 · 08/08/2019 22:22

It’s a tricky one as how can the op tell her own parents to leave and never have them stay again? I couldn’t do it, as much as they are being rude..awful situation to be in!
Go to bed on it now, op, it sounds too heated at the moment..families..! 🙈

Afalsewidowinmyhouse · 08/08/2019 22:22

YANBU

Your guest are being very unreasonable, and so are several PPs.

I suppose if we were being really picky then maybe it would have been helpful to specify a time ahead as you said but frankly that's neither here nor there given their horrible behaviour, or the fact that you'd have thought they cared about their grandchildren/niece/nephew's wellbeing, or that they'd implied they'd be back sooner so why'd you have thought to anyway?

If it were us, we'd have no problem bringing the kids back, and even if we did for some reason we'd never dream of mentioning it in the scenario as described, let alone ignore you in your own home after you cooked for them all.

I think these might be among the worst people I've read about on several years worth of AIBU and that is saying something. I know it's hard OP but I agree with PPs who have said to tell them to pack their bags to leave (if their kids are asleep I suppose you might begrudgingly let them stay until morning)

I hope your kids are feeling better tomorrow and that your guests are ashamed of themselves but they sound like such nasty selfish arseholes I don't suppose it will occur to them.

mamansnet · 08/08/2019 22:22

I can't believe done if the responses you're getting on here, OP. YANBU. Everyone knows that kids that young need to be back at a decent time, and like you said, you weren't chasing them to all come back right away. Everyone knew you were cooking and it's only fair that they should have respected your wishes/timing. They're behaving atrociously, and ignoring you WHILE GUESTS IN YOUR HOME I think is despicable.

GirlsBlouse17 · 08/08/2019 22:23

They sound selfish and spoilt. They could have helped you get the washing up done before they went out so you could have joined them. They could have said we will treat you to a takeaway to save you cooking. They should have been thoughtful and realised that time was getting on and they should start heading back with the kids. In future, communication is key here though. A lesson to be learnt

candycane222 · 08/08/2019 22:23

Gah, your parents need to grow a spine! Pitiful behaviour from them. and as for all of them now sulking...

Poor you, I'd be livid Angry

Weezol · 08/08/2019 22:24

If they can't behave like reasonable adults and show a modicum of respect for you in your own home then irrespective of the consequences to others you tell them to leave.

Cut the visit short - you shouldn't tolerate the silent treatment and sulkiness - it feels to me like you're being punished in the playground fgs.

They are adults - where they go when they leave is not your problem.

merlotqueen · 08/08/2019 22:24

You stayed home to cook dinner, they knew that and they wonder why you asked to have your toddlers home? Are they completely thick skinned?

They are having a lovely time and now you've reminded them you are at home and kids need their beds.

You are the dogsbody and I bet you have assumed that role (without realising, given you were washing up and preparing dinner and missing a day out and haven't complained)

As soon as you assert yourself, how dare you!

YANBU, at all.

MadeForThis · 08/08/2019 22:26

Your sibling is behaving like a dick. Your parents are enabling them.

You're cooking 2 meals a day for your sibling as they won't eat sandwiches?

Tell them to eat out from now on.

Notwiththeseknees · 08/08/2019 22:26

Your guests have completely overreacted to a not unreasonable request. Now they are sulking, drinking your wine and bring downright rude.

Pour yourself a large glass, grab a scented candle & some music & go & have a relaxing soak. Tomorrow, if their attitude is the same, I would leave with the children and go and have breakfast somewhere. Leave them all to it. After all that work & shopping & refusing sandwiches for lunch? No way would that wash with me.

teachermam · 08/08/2019 22:27

I think yabu but then I'm someone that always let the kids stay up later during the summer

JaniceBattersby · 08/08/2019 22:29

Sandwiches are not a meal? Ignoring you in your own home? Throwing a tea truck because you want your own very young children to be back at a reasonable hour?

I’d tell them they ought to learn some manners and tell them to find somewhere else to stay. You are not subservient to them OP, but it’s quite clear that’s the dynamic they insist on. I’d be changing that right away. Stand your ground.

You can do it matter-of-factly. “Right, seeing as you don’t wish to speak to me and you’re causing me to feel incredibly uncomfortable in my own house I think it’s best all round if you find another place to stay.”

popsadaisy · 08/08/2019 22:29

YANBU I think people are being rather harsh on you! I find that when OPs are clearly annoyed and irritable people jump on them whether they agree with them or not and it's so harsh. As soon as you bring your barrier down and start to show how clearly upset you are rather than angry posters mellow. You are right to feel the way you do and i would feel the same if I was you. Hope you work things out and people start to respect you a little more.

RedDogsBeg · 08/08/2019 22:31

Come on, OP, why should you be hiding in your bedroom, feeling sick and being given the silent treatment in your own home?

It's your home they are guests you do not have put up with this, you don't have to be a doormat, set some boundaries.

StarShapedWindow · 08/08/2019 22:31

If I were you I’d start a conversation with “shall we clear the air so we can all enjoy tomorrow afresh?”

thecatinthetwat · 08/08/2019 22:34

Everyone knows that kids that young need to be back at a decent time,

I thought the time they were planning to bring them back was 6pm though. Please correct me if I’ve got that wrong.

6pm is definitely a decent time to bring kids home isn’t it?

I’m not justifying they’re rudeness but let’s keep things in perspective.

CalmdownJanet · 08/08/2019 22:34

Honestly op I would stand up and say "Right, I'm not sure who the hell you all think you are but there was a miscommunication today, you over reacted, fine, I can put that behind me but if you think after me cooking for you, opening my home to you and hosting you that you can sit in my home and ignore me, well no, sorry but that's not how we work it my house, we show some respect and you are just being unbelievably rude. Feel free to leave in the morning but if you're staying you abide by my "don't be a rude fucker" to your host rule"

VeThings · 08/08/2019 22:37

Was it your sibling that got up and left the table? It’s incredibly rude but also childish. Seems they are reverting to childish patterns being around parents and family.

Does your sibling have older or no DC? They obviously don’t realise or remember that young DC aren’t as flexible as older children and adults. My DC would have been a nightmare after only a few late nights and I completely understand why you wanted them back.

Your sibling is being selfish thinking they can just stay out when there are two young DC to consider, especially if they decided to ‘stay out longer’ than they’d initially indicated.

SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 08/08/2019 22:39

YANBU. Leave sandwiches in the fridge and go out for lunch or take some to the park and have a picnic with the kids tomorrow. Hopefully by the time you get back will either have wolfed down the free homemade sandwiches or gone out and paid good money for a cooked lunch.

Plan dinner for your own DH and DCs tomorrow. After all this, the rest of them may want to stay out late again. Unless they specifically agree to a time they will condescend to eat your food, leave them to sort out their own. It will lead to sulking no doubt, but if it does just don't ever agree to host them again.

Chakano · 08/08/2019 22:40

Just tell them to go, why don't they stay with your parents instead of treating you like the unpaid hired help.
They are walking all over you and you are allowing them.
I bet your dp is well pissed off.

marjolaine · 08/08/2019 22:41

I don't think people are reading the same thread! OP I think you're trying to be a good host, not a martyr. Let it all blow over and try to enjoy tomorrow. Be the one in charge of your children though Wink