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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In relationship with secretive man

245 replies

Tausif · 08/08/2019 17:12

This sounds mad, but I have a relationship with a man I don't know anything about. Apart from what he tells me. We are together for 9 months now, he always stays at my place. I have never seen his place, his family, I don't know where he works, nothing. There is no trace of him on the internet. He does not answer my questions. Any sane woman would have thrown him out long ago, but I have never been in love like that.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 09/08/2019 12:44

He doesn't love you, no matter what he says or however soft the light in his eyes. He's keeping his doors locked against you.

Mageton · 09/08/2019 12:44

Yes I know he has behaved like an asshole n is why I posted the thread.
But also I do know despite his secrecy that he is not a scammer or married or in another relationship or violent

Ok, so the only part of this that you actually know is the first part - he has behaved like an asshole.

The rest is not what you know, it's what you want to believe.

What do you actually want here? And how can the love of your life be someone you know so little about and who will not share even a fraction of who he truly is with you?

Ragwort · 09/08/2019 12:52

Are you a teenager? ‘I love looking into his eyes’ Hmm and I bet he loves looking into your knickers.

neighbourssitu · 09/08/2019 12:58

Did you meet online?

If so and you have the original photos he used then google image search might bring up some other sites it's been used on.

neighbourssitu · 09/08/2019 13:02

Maybe he is embarrassed about where he lives but surely he should say where he works?

00100001 · 09/08/2019 13:04

HOW DO YOU KNOW HE IS DIVORCED????

00100001 · 09/08/2019 13:05

p.s. I do love the irony of your username OP Grin

cacklingmags · 09/08/2019 13:09

Either kick him to the curb right now, because really you know he is married, or engage a PI to find out all about him - that will also be that he is married.

ChristmasFluff · 09/08/2019 13:13

This is a fantasy relationship. He could be making up anything, and you choose to believe him.

So if he's so great, why are you making a thread? You know damn well that he is a fake, and that he doesn't love you. Equally, who are you in love with? You don't know him. I know more about my milkman than you know about your 'boyfriend' - and that is not an exaggeration. Hence the fantasy relationship.

Off you go then, and be happy with the love of your life. Or listen to your misgivings and do the deep work that is needed to heal those wounds that have you accepting crumbs and calling them 'a relationship'.

matahairyy · 09/08/2019 13:14

Guys. This is POINTLESS

PooWillyBumBum · 09/08/2019 13:18

How the hell do you know he’s not in a relationship if he won’t let you see his place? It’s not normal to be with someone 9 months and have no idea about his living situation.

He could be with someone who has to spend some weekends with a sick relative, or telling her he’s visiting family/away for weekend work events. You asked for opinions and now you’re saying you absolutely know there’s nothing dodgy?

Sorry, you’re deluded.

Purplerain16 · 09/08/2019 13:20

He's either
A) paying you a LOT of money, judging by the che pays his way and more" comment
Or
B) you're completely deluded

Or even c) this thread is fake

Desmondo2016 · 09/08/2019 13:36

What on earth do you talk about that doesn't involve him disclosing stuff about himself?
Open your eyes!

Chunkers · 09/08/2019 13:41

Cool story, bro.

CallMeRachel · 09/08/2019 13:46

YABU
There. Since you posted a non question, you've purely made a statement about being involved with a man you know nothing about past the version he has created.

But also I do know despite his secrecy that he is not a scammer or married or in another relationship or violent .

How do you know this????? ConfusedConfused

It sounds to me you're like a free hooker sorry, not sorry

Have you looked in his wallet to see the names on his bank cards?? Driving Licence??

Wake up woman!!

Beesandcheese · 09/08/2019 13:49

Unless youre time travEllington back to the early 90's or before this is very weird. If he won't even acknowledge or explain that (I have a friend who basically lives as a victorian so no mobile, no home phone, no tele) but he still has family and friends any would partners meet etc.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2019 14:08

OK, see if you can give a straight answer to the following:

Have you asked him WHERE he works?

If so, WHAT did he say?

pinkyredrose · 09/08/2019 14:17

looking deep into his eyes Grin

Pull the other one OP. Or alternatively remove your head from your arsehole. This guy isn't what you want. Or maybe you love the mystery/drama.

LipSyncForYourLife · 09/08/2019 14:23

I bet his wife threw him out and he lives in a battered old caravan on his mum’s driveway.

catofdoom · 09/08/2019 14:25

Just because most of us are joyless old biddies doesn't mean everyone is. Grin

I remember actually looking deep in to someone's eyes. We were all young and hopeful once.

Magenta82 · 09/08/2019 14:25

@Tausif he sounds like my ex.
Secretive, away working a lot, loads of red flags, my friends and family thought he was married but loved and trusted him.

He messed me up so badly, even though I trusted him there was always that little question in the back of my head. He used that and controlled me, had me paranoid, had an answer for every question that usually ended with me apologising for asking. I ended up thinking I was crazy, paranoid and bad for even asking. I had no self esteem left and thought that the stupid scraps he threw me were all that I was worth.

Turns out he was married and they had a child via IVF whilst we were "together".

catofdoom · 09/08/2019 14:25

(I'm not anymore because I found out secretive man was married. GrinGrin)

longwayoff · 09/08/2019 14:29

Still cheaper than a hotel.

QualCheckBot · 09/08/2019 14:31

OP - you know the way you write, using "n" instead of "and". Its very distinctive.

I've seen posts before about strange inter-personal relationships that also used this unusual grammatical style.

What a coincidence!

00100001 · 09/08/2019 14:36

I do wonder why you've seen his passport...but not where he lives...or where he works....

who carries their passport around with them?? Confused