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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a FWB when pregnant?

427 replies

GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 11:03

More would I be than am I, because I’ve not done anything yet.
I’m obviously single, split with baby’s dad and have been chatting with a FWB, but just as friends. Last night he got a bit flirty in his chat and suggested he’d be open to us resuming the benefits part of our friendship. I’m tempted because I do really miss sex, but feel it’s a bit off to sleep with someone who’s not my baby’s father while I’m pregnant.

I don’t know if to just give it a go and if it feels weird then say, nope I’ve changed my mind. I know him well enough to know that wouldn’t be a problem at all.

And he’s definitely single and we’d obviously use condoms.

OP posts:
Saharasunset · 08/08/2019 15:45

YANBU

Your body, your emotions, your baby, your business. End of discussion.

I do agree with you about feeling slightly icky, but then again my DH felt icky about it at the start and over thought it. Like you have said earlier, you wouldn't think twice if it was the baby's father so what's the difference.

I'm sorry if I missed this but I wonder if you've had sex with him before as FWB, as if you have you can be clear of your emotions treating him as a FWB as you have done before. Pregnancy hormones can be a bitch and you don't want them messing up a genuinely nice friendship.

SuperSara · 08/08/2019 15:45

@Tattybogle89

Gross and trashy

Well it's hardly classy to use the very childish 'gross and trashy' to describe a woman's sexuality..

I imagine you're very young and a bit dim.

Pannalash · 08/08/2019 15:48

I am more surprised at presumably grown adults using the term ‘icky’ Hmm

Bwekfusth · 08/08/2019 15:49

This thread is a true eye opener. Fucking hell. Everyone saying any sex during pregnancy is icky - did your partners penises all shrivel up at the utterly disgusting sight of you in your vessel-like state? As that is what you seem to be implying is natural.

Happygilmorelove · 08/08/2019 16:00

Sorry but i think it's gross, I just can't help it

Happygilmorelove · 08/08/2019 16:01

Especially on his part!

ReanimatedSGB · 08/08/2019 16:07

Thing is, if you feel (or have felt, when pregnant) that you don't want to have sex - either with the babyfather or with anyone else - that's entirely up to you. Pregnant women may well feel unsexy (or nauseous, or in pain/discomfort, or too tired to contemplate sex). You might have been advised by your HCP that your pregnancy involves some complications that would make penetrative sex more risky.

Though I'm slightly surprised by the number of posters who don't seem aware that enjoyable sex can be had without any PIV...

But if you think it's OK to judge other women for wanting or having sex in pregnancy, because of your own lack of imagination, or prudishness, or basic misogyny, then yeah, you deserve to be laughed at and told where to get off.

StarlightLady · 08/08/2019 16:08

It seems to me that there are 2 very different attitudes here and l suspect much of it is related to upbringing.

There are those who percieve sex as something, perhaps dirty, or wrong or even something for a woman to give a man if he has “been good”.

Then there are those of us who see sex as passion fuelled, fulfills our needs, fun and even stress relief.

Certainly there are many mothers out there who enjoyed sex during pregnancy.

Different people adopt different types of friendships when it comes to sex. Some choose long term relationships, others more libertine by nature choose specific multiple partners, others one offs. One is not more right than the other. The key issues are respect and consent whether pregnant or not.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/08/2019 16:08

@happygilmorelove - so you think once a man has had sex with a woman, she is basically his property and other men should find her tainted or otherwise off-limits? Some men are capable of seeing a woman, pregnant or not, as an autonymous being.

zeezee3 · 08/08/2019 16:13

@HeadintheiClouds

Why would you find people’s opinions “worrying” because they differ from yours, Netflix? What a pompously arrogant statement!

Fwiw, nobody has slut-shamed (as you call it) the op, they’ve expressed the perfectly valid opinion that it’s odd to be so keen to shag a woman who is pregnant with someone else’s baby.

You may think differently, but don’t waste time worrying your little head about everyone else.

Exactly this. The posts on here from people who agree it's OK for the OP to shag a man who is not her baby's father (WHILST she is pregnant,) towards the people who think it's wrong/gross/vile, are so fucking patronising, condescending, and pathetic.

People ARE entitled to different views to you my dears. And views that your precious little fluffy eyes/brains/heads, may not LIKE. People have different views, and some people don't sugar-coat them! Get over it!

@Bwekfusth

This thread is a true eye opener. Fucking hell. Everyone saying any sex during pregnancy is icky - did your partners penises all shrivel up at the utterly disgusting sight of you in your vessel-like state? As that is what you seem to be implying is natural.

Awww bless.... Don't get out much do ya? Wink

Oh and FYI, we are not ON about shagging a man who IS the father of the baby ARE we dear? We are on about a pregnant woman shagging a man who is not the baby's father (whilst you are pregnant.) And shagging a man who is NOT the baby's father whilst pregnant, is NOT normal. It's weird. And a bit gross. And it would take a pretty weird man to want to do it.

AHamsterOnAWheel · 08/08/2019 16:16

You're not just going out and having a ONS with a random guy. You sound like you've got a deep connection to this man. I don't see anything wrong with you wanting to have sex with him as long as you use protection.
I had a similar set up with my FWB. We're very close and neither of us wanted anything more from each other. I would trust him completely with my body. If I were in your shoes then I would definitely go for it.

coffeeandgin26 · 08/08/2019 16:17

@Nomoremilk why can't a pregnant woman be sexually attractive? I am days away from giving birth and my partner still finds me sexually attractive enough to enjoy sex with me most days Hmmand I never feel more attractive or as confident as I do when I'm pregnant t

TwistedStrawberry · 08/08/2019 16:17

It's very.....nineties chatroom to use "my dears/dear" to attempt to patronise random people on the internet, isn't it! Very retro.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/08/2019 16:20

I don’t like the idea, so I’m not going to do it. Your mind, your body, you do what’s right for you.

Happygilmorelove · 08/08/2019 16:21

I'm struggling to articulate why I find the guy distasteful..I feel like a hypocrite as I had sex with my baby's father while pregnant. I just find it unsettling when men have a fetish for pregnant women..i mean me and my DH live together/sleep in the bed so sex just happened a couple of times naturally..it was me that instigated it. Dh found it difficult as he was worried irrationally that he would hurt the baby. It just turns my stomach that some men are "into" pregnant women, and would deliberately chase one..I'm sorry if it offends anyone and if I sound like a hypocrite, I'm just being honest.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 08/08/2019 16:32

I felt great when I was pregnant, I did blossom hair/skin was good and I wanted sex I wouldn’t say I felt sexy but felt good

But other men (apart from ex) finding me sexually attractive was very uncomfortable so went without as I was alone - I can remember being out with a male friend and him making a comment that it was odd and being protective which was far nicer than someone lusting over you

Poochandmutt · 08/08/2019 16:36

Your having a baby ..that’s your priority now.this is wrong

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 16:42

I really don’t think he’s got a pregnant woman fetish @Happygilmorelove. I don’t really look very pregnant anyway. He’s a friend, last night we were both a bit lonely and chatting and it got a bit flirty. It could be that if it came down to it, he’d find it weird and a turn off anyway.

I was shocked that spark/connection was still there when we talked about sex. I wasn’t expecting it really and I won’t lie it was nice and made me think, hmm maybe.
But its far too complicated and I don’t need that right now, he’s a good friend and I’d rather him stay just as that for now. Who knows after the baby is born if he’s single and happy to resume I might be up for that.

OP posts:
TheTitOfTheIceberg · 08/08/2019 16:44

I'm struggling to articulate why I find the guy distasteful..I feel like a hypocrite as I had sex with my baby's father while pregnant. I just find it unsettling when men have a fetish for pregnant women..i mean me and my DH live together/sleep in the bed so sex just happened a couple of times naturally..it was me that instigated it. Dh found it difficult as he was worried irrationally that he would hurt the baby. It just turns my stomach that some men are "into" pregnant women, and would deliberately chase one

But we have no evidence that he has a pregnancy fetish or is deliberately 'chasing' OP because she's pregnant. He's flirting with a former FWB he likes, who is single at the same time as him for the first time since they were last FWB. Don't you think it's a little demeaning to the OP to suggest this man that she's known for and been friends - and occasionally more - with for years, is suddenly only interested in her because she's pregnant? Particularly since it's demonstrably not true, as they've had sex together prior to her pregnancy.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 16:46

I think he was a little shocked himself too, that it was like we could flip back to that relationship we had previously when we’ve been ‘just friends’ for so long now. I don’t think he’s been lusting after me though and when we’ve spent time together it hasn’t been like that. The last day we spent together we took my Ds to the park and we were normal, joking about, no flirting.

OP posts:
Lilyrose90 · 08/08/2019 16:50

Sounds a bit fetish-y to me OP and for that reason I wouldn’t do it if I were you

plantwhisperer · 08/08/2019 16:50

Go for it! EnjoyWink

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 16:50

And even now, after he said something we had a joke about it and it’s been easy. I didn’t feel in anyway pressured or uncomfortable with him. I’ve felt uncomfortable with my own feeling about it, but not about him.
Not sure that makes much sense, but I feel I need to defend him somewhat.

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 08/08/2019 16:59

If women shouldnt have sex while they are pregnant, what about men, should they be abstaining from sex if a woman is pregnant with their child?

ThatCurlyGirl · 08/08/2019 16:59

OP, thinking about it I do have a super lovely and kind friend who I've been with before and he thinks the world of me - he would see me (while caring nd doing whatever I was comfortable with) as totally separate to a pregnancy. As a whole person, still me, not as a pregnant woman if that makes sense.

I do know what you mean and you should do what you think is best for you personally Thanks