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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a FWB when pregnant?

427 replies

GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 11:03

More would I be than am I, because I’ve not done anything yet.
I’m obviously single, split with baby’s dad and have been chatting with a FWB, but just as friends. Last night he got a bit flirty in his chat and suggested he’d be open to us resuming the benefits part of our friendship. I’m tempted because I do really miss sex, but feel it’s a bit off to sleep with someone who’s not my baby’s father while I’m pregnant.

I don’t know if to just give it a go and if it feels weird then say, nope I’ve changed my mind. I know him well enough to know that wouldn’t be a problem at all.

And he’s definitely single and we’d obviously use condoms.

OP posts:
QualCheckBot · 08/08/2019 19:02

bythebeach No issue with anyone saying “not for me” but there does seem to be a value-judgement from many which I don’t understand.

tbh though I'd feel the same about a man who had got someone pregnant and was concurrently sleeping with other women.

Part of me thinks I should be more cool with it. Its not really that bad, and its excellent for genetic diversity if people have multiple partners.

I think it must be that I don't really like the idea of men who can't wait for sex. No problem with women who want sex while pregnant but men who are pushy for sex just irk me somehow.

OP your definition of a FWB is different from mine. I'd call what you have a relationship, albeit a casual one.

MissB83 · 08/08/2019 19:03

I nearly did start up a FWB thing when my son's father and I split up but by that time I was about 20 weeks pregnant and he had started kicking a lot particularly in the evening so I just found the idea of sex with someone else too weird! I wouldn't judge someone else though because being a LP is hard and it's nice to have something to take your mind off it!

formerbabe · 08/08/2019 19:04

I’m sorry but having sex with anyone other that the father of your child while pregnant is pretty yuk to be honest

Do you think it's 'yuk' if the father of her unborn child sleeps with another woman while she's pregnant?

MissB83 · 08/08/2019 19:05

From experience though I would say it would be much more prudent to have a sexual relationship with someone other than your ex or it could get REALLY messy before your baby arrives! Confused

CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 08/08/2019 19:06

HeadintheiClouds exactly my point! If people used the proper, grown-up word that they really meant, it would look worse, so they effectively go "ewwww" instead. If anyone had been able to articulate why they think that without recourse to knee jerk squeamishness, I'd be interested to hear about it. As it is, I find it hard to take them seriously.

Ohyesiam · 08/08/2019 19:07

I'm no prude, but this just seems icky.

Er, you’re a prude

Bwekfusth · 08/08/2019 19:51

Someone raised a good question, is it ok for the father of the child to sleep with someone else given that he is also single? If so, why? Why would it be ok for him to enjoy a sex life but not the mother? I swear there are people here who think the baby will be engulfed in foreign semen and be forever scarred.

frangipanflowers · 08/08/2019 19:56

@formerbabe I think that’s different, the father doesn’t have a baby growing inside them 🤔

Legomadx2 · 08/08/2019 19:57

Urgh doesn't seem right

Bwekfusth · 08/08/2019 19:58

@formerbabe what is it you think is going to happen to this baby if this woman has sex with a man that is not the father?

TwistedStrawberry · 08/08/2019 19:59

the father doesn’t have a baby growing inside them

The baby won't be aware that the woman is having sex. So what difference does it make? Again, it just boils down to women policing other women's bodies. Misogyny.

formerbabe · 08/08/2019 20:01

@Bwekfusth

I don't know why you asked me that question. What comment of mine was it related to?

Bwekfusth · 08/08/2019 20:08

@formerbabe sorry, I meant @frangipanflowers

Usingmyindoorvoice · 08/08/2019 20:11

Ok, I’m almost certainly old enough to be your mother, but during my pregnancies by libido hit the roof! It was the hormones, and fortunately my husband was on hand to ahem ‘support ’ my interest.
But if you feel safe with your friend, go for it, you may well not have any inclination for months to come after the baby.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 20:16

*the father doesn’t have a baby growing inside them

The baby won't be aware that the woman is having sex. So what difference does it make? Again, it just boils down to women policing other women's bodies. Misogyny.*

This exactly what I'm struggling with myself. My ex can do what/who he likes, no women are thinking oh no I won't have sex with him he's having a baby soon. I know the baby wouldn't know that was happening, that it's no different physically from if it was my ex (the dad) who I was having sex with. Yet like a lot of posters on here, there's something that despite feeling in the mood for sex and trusting my friend. I think no, it's not right.
I know if I'm not 100% relaxed about it though it won't be worth it, so I'll wait. It's not that long Grin

OP posts:
frangipanflowers · 08/08/2019 20:38

I guess it just boils down to everyone is different and has different views! Good luck with your pregnancy!

ReanimatedSGB · 08/08/2019 21:37

You know, a man who doesn't want to have sex with his pregnant partner might be a misogynist, or have some issues which mean the relationship needs to be binned sooner rather than later?
I know we are all entitled to our own preferences, and no one should ever have sex they don't want to have and all that, but if a man is actively repulsed by his partner's pregnant body, or thinks there is something 'wrong' with her for wanting sex, then that man has unhealthy views about sex and about women.

Tattybogle89 · 08/08/2019 22:17

@SuperSara

*Well it's hardly classy to use the very childish 'gross and trashy' to describe a woman's sexuality..

I imagine you're very young and a bit dim.*

Her sexuality? Right...

No I’m not very young. Or dim.
Why would calling something gross make me young and dim? Because I don’t agree with it? I could assume you are “old and a bit easy” for your comments. But I didn’t. See how that works?

ASundayWellSpent · 08/08/2019 22:28

Completely agree with the posters saying its your body, not what society thinks, etc... but personally my gut feeling is its a bit yucky... Struggling to explain why to myself, not particularly logical... I do think its still a little bit line crossing sorry

ReanimatedSGB · 08/08/2019 23:08

Ah, more idiots: now whining that there is something wrong about wanting sex at all...

Breathlessness · 08/08/2019 23:21

‘And shagging a man who is NOT the baby's father whilst pregnant, is NOT normal. It's weird. And a bit gross. And it would take a pretty weird man to want to do it.’

There seem to be a lot of posts along these lines and I really don’t understand why. Is it a question of how obviously pregnant the woman is? Is it about the bump? Is it the idea of sex during late pregnancy and a very obvious baby being there rather than say 8 weeks pregnant?

NoTheresa · 08/08/2019 23:27

It’s a moral issue: it’s actually disrespectful to the unborn baby.

NoTheresa · 08/08/2019 23:29

But obviously some of you don’t consider morality. That is why people say icky and yucky.

LatteLove · 08/08/2019 23:30

it’s actually disrespectful to the unborn baby.

In what way?

Breathlessness · 08/08/2019 23:32

Disrespectful? So do you see it as on a par with, for example, a mother having sex with A N Other while her (born)baby is in the same room?

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