To have a FWB when pregnant?

[GirlOnIt]

More would I be than am I, because I’ve not done anything yet.
I’m obviously single, split with baby’s dad and have been chatting with a FWB, but just as friends. Last night he got a bit flirty in his chat and suggested he’d be open to us resuming the benefits part of our friendship. I’m tempted because I do really miss sex, but feel it’s a bit off to sleep with someone who’s not my baby’s father while I’m pregnant.

I don’t know if to just give it a go and if it feels weird then say, nope I’ve changed my mind. I know him well enough to know that wouldn’t be a problem at all.

And he’s definitely single and we’d obviously use condoms.

lol sex is just another enjoyable activity. If it’s safe and consensual then why should anyone not indulge?

The mumsnet hot take on pregnancy: the moment a woman is knocked up she's a sexless baby warehouse who no man could possibly be attracted to unless he's a pervert with a pregnancy fetish.

It is apparently the year1800 on mumsnet.

I'm 18 and most people my age probably think the same

When you're a bit older you'll learn that assuming most people think something because you do is something of a mistake

I think I would be more bothered by the fact he’s newly single and obviously gone through his black book of past hook-ups , texted some and obviously got a reply from op and thought I can give it a try

This man obviously didn’t know op was pregnant so they are not close most of the time

I'm not sure where you got this from @Evilspiritgin. He knew I was pregnant already, he's a friend. We spent last Sunday together at the park with my Ds and he helped me get the cot and baby things down from the loft. He's been single longer than me and to the best of my knowledge he doesn't have a little black book.

@NottonightJosepheen fair reasoning. I appreciate that and your point is valid. It's not right for some. But there have been many posts where people have said it's disgusting and that those types of men are degenerates, and that a pregnant woman enjoying a healthy sexual relationship with someone who isn't the child's father is 'trashy' that's what's really quite irritating.

Didn't plan this baby @itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted. But what your saying I guess is part of what I'm worried about. Yes me and ex haven't been split up long, but I know it's the right thing so I'm not struggling with that or needing attention/validation from another man or anything.

I miss sex, that's it for me. Yep I can see to myself but it's not the same for me. I've got friends and family for company and my lovely Ds so I'm ok with that. And will be quite happy not having another relationship again, definitely don't want to be introducing anyone to Dc and don't ever plan on living with someone or having more Dc.
But I don't want to live without sex completely.

Upthread, I explained that my personal position was that a fwb relationship isn't for me, pregnant or not pregnant.

Perhaps a more general issue for AIBU here - I don't think the point is applying what you would do. I don't want want to live in Cornwall, but it isn't unreasonable!

@vasya
When you're a bit older you'll learn that assuming most people think something because you do is something of a mistake

Great so because I'm 18 I don't know what I'm talking about

I suppose you know more 18 year olds than I do?

Just no... Especially for young men- they'll still have sex with you but they'll call you all sorts of names to their friends after. This is not socially acceptable. Not saying it's wrong, but most people wouldn't do his and if they did would keep it a secret. Come on, don't be naïve.

@GirlOnIt totally with you on this right now 😂 I'm 21 weeks. Baby's dad disappeared and I haven't been near anyone since him. This was back in March 😩

I imagine you know far more about 18 year old’s as potential sexual partners than most of us on this thread, SweetJasmine, given that they’re your peers.

I don’t know why people are patronisingly telling you that you’ll see the world more clearly when you’re older. It’s bloody rude.

@ReanimatedSGB

I used to go to swingers' clubs quite regularly and I really liked the attention I got once I was visibly pregnant - I was one of those lucky ones who had better skin/hair during pregnancy, and because I was eating my greens and doing plenty of gentle exercise, I was in the best shape of my adult life...

I found this the most disturbing comment on the whole thread, for two reasons.

1. You were going to 'swingers' clubs' and having sex with multiple random people while pregnant?

1. You were in 'the best shape of your adult life' because you did some 'gentle exercise' while pregnant? That really doesn't say much for your fitness levels generally. Not great if you have kids.

I dont understand stand what the issue is by having sex he isn't suddenly stake his claim on OPs body. Good God what age are we living in. So as you will if it suits you both.

Make sure he has an STD check, use condoms, look after your emotions and enjoy yourself!

I am not sure why so many posters would judge others for this. No issue with anyone saying “not for me” but there does seem to be a value-judgement from many which I don’t understand. You’re not hurting or betraying anyone. You’re not endangering the baby (assuming no low lying placenta etc). There is nothing wrong or immoral about two single consenting adults having sex just because one of them is pregnant.
It is unusual. It may generate an “Ick factor” that was biologically advantageous in historical times (that some posters interpret as therefore being ‘wrong’) - but We live in an age where we can protect ourselves from STDs without abstinence. Perhaps people don’t like the idea of the non-paternal penis near the baby’s head - but the baby is completely separated within it’s sac and behind your closed cervix and won’t know or care. You might benefit from the stress release and oxytocin. If you feel uneasy or as if it worries you, then of course don’t!

It’s gross, no amount of debating will change my mind.

Just no... Especially for young men- they'll still have sex with you but they'll call you all sorts of names to their friends after. This is not socially acceptable. Not saying it's wrong, but most people wouldn't do his and if they did would keep it a secret. Come on, don't be naïve.

To be fair and completely free subject @SweetJasmine17. One of my very close friends works with teenagers specifically around matters of sex/contraception. And she says that most (of course not all) teen boys show little if any respect for teen girls they're sleeping with or not. Some of the things she's heard and from seemingly 'nice' kids, she's honestly shocked by and she's really not the shockable type.
To be clear I've absolutely no intention of sleeping with a teenager and I think my friend is well past the stage of calling women names for sleeping with him (not that he ever did, I don't believe).

You were in 'the best shape of your adult life' because you did some 'gentle exercise' while pregnant? That really doesn't say much for your fitness levels generally. Not great if you have kids.

Needlessly bitchy comment.

Great so because I'm 18 I don't know what I'm talking about

I never said you don't know what you're talking about. I said you can't assume that because you hold a particular viewpoint, 'most people' your age will too. You can only speak for yourself.

It's quite infuriating isn't it @lonelyheartsclubband. I don't understand it either, I'm pregnant already so biology got what it wants, so why do I feel horny 😩
My rather unhelpful friend suggested maybe it was a way to keep the father interested so he didn't run off, back in the days of us women needing some male protection.
I'm not sure but I don't want him sticking around anyway, so my hormones can just calm themselves down.

Bythebeach I wonder, if it's the idea of the "non-paternal penis" near the baby that people don't like, why the paternal penis is any better?? As you say, baby is essentially double-bagged by the amniotic sac and the cervix, and the penis won't be anywhere near it.

I'm finding it interesting that most of the people who seem to object are using sonewhat childish words like "icky" and "gross" instead of just coming out and saying "disgusting". If you're going to make a judgement on someone else's morals, you could at least use proper language to do it.

I’m sorry but having sex with anyone other that the father of your child while pregnant is pretty yuk to be honest.

Because saying it’s disgusting would get you completely savaged, of course. Look at the aggro those who are saying gross are getting!

Is it ok if I sleep with the ex, then? I mean I don't like him right much at the moment but he is the father and he was always quite good in bed.

@GirlOnIt I’m a surrogate at the moment my boyfriend and I only got together just before surrogacy started.... (we had known each other for a few years before) so this isn’t my baby and lots of people have said to him they don’t know how he sleeps with me when it’s not his baby (though it’s not mine either) but he’s very good at keeping it separated and I don’t see why either of us should go without because I’m pregnant and it’s not his child.... guess I’m getting at the fact that if you’re happy and he’s happy and you’re safe sod everybody else.... they wouldn’t live their lives around what you think why offer them the same courtesy.