To be a parent or remain childfree?

[MiddleLane]

I'll try and cover this as briefly as possible!

I'm 35. DH is 40. We are financially comfortable and very happy together. I admit I love my clean, tidy house and ability to please myself. We have lovely holidays and can be spontaneous with cinema/restaurants/day trips/weekends away. Life is peaceful and I love my hobbies.

I have zero experience with children. No neices/nephew's or anything, so I've been unable to foster any meaningful relationships with kids. Perhaps because of this I find all kids rather intimidating!

I don't actively dislike children at all (though lots in supermarkets tend to be loud and unruly!) but I've never thought 'I must be a mum'.

Since I turned 30 I've tried to decide whether to try for DC or not. My DH is on the same fence; happy to try, happy to not try. Neither of us feel broody.

I suppose right now I'm happy with how things are, but I do feel sad at the idea of never having a family. I think about Christmas and the future and perhaps all the romanticised ideas of family life.

I realise you have to sacrifice a hell of a lot to bring DC up. Once you've had them I'm sure it must feel like you'd never be without them; but would you say your life is much improved with your DC? I worry about the world and our society too, the stress of growing up in our social media climate worries me as does the impact of more children on the environment.

Yet...I don't want to regret not having kids.

What tipped the scales for you into deciding to have DC, or deciding to remain childfree?

One last bit of info that's quite important; I know I do qualify/would need IVF due to a medical condition, it would be unlikely but not impossible to fall pregnant naturally. So deciding to try would mean the added stress of facing potential infertility.

It seems sensible to think 'Well it may not happen, so if I'm on the fence, then why try?'. But this nagging idea of regret still gnaws at me.

Sorry for the length of the post

As someone above said, there are all sorts of things you could regret.... not climing Mount Everest, not going to live in China, not learning to speak Russian... and so on and so forth. In fact, every day we do things that we might regret, even if only momentarily.

So what I'm saying is that making a life-changing, inalterable decision on the basis of FOMA or fear you might regret it at some unspecified later date, is no way to live. Sure, if you don't have a kid, you will miss out on many experiences, good and bad, but similarly if you do have a kid, you will miss out on lots of experiences too.

I consider myself fortunate in the sense that I've always been very clear that I do not want children, so have never had to agonise over it. Ultimately, it's up to you. Nobody else except yourself and your partner can make this decision. Good luck!

Thanks everyone. I can see the sense in everyone's points.

I would be happy continuing to be childfree (I've got lots of plans/ideas for the future and my life is rewarding) but I can see being happy as a mum too, (those plans would still be attainable) I think DH and I would be pretty good parents; DH would be a wonderful father.

Well I've got to come to a decision soon! I can't believe I haven't pulled one way or the other for so many years. I always assumed you should absolutely 'know' one way or the other.

@justgotbanned sorry but deciding after only 2 days that you haven't bonded with a child you were supposed to be adopting is ridiculous. What if she had had her own child and didn't bond with it at once or even after 2 weeks, 2 months? It does happen, quite often I believe. Would she have put that child up for adoption or foster? She really could not have wanted a child that badly.

I would get banned from here if I said what I feel about people who have rescue dogs for 1 night, 2 nights etc then give up on them. My words would be even stronger when talking about a child.

@SunflowerKitty, I do know couples who don't seem that happy and have small children but most of my friends have older or grown up children and they almost all say they regretted them more and more as time went by.

As I have said, just about all their marriages/relationships have broken down and most of them put the blame firmly on having children.

Off the top of my head I can think of 4 friends who, strangely, all have 4 children each. They all have one, if not more, child that is still causing problems even though they range in age from 26 to 40!

The problems range from drug abuse, domestic violence, grandchildren taken into care and one child is in prison (not for the first time either). Some of the grandchildren are also causing worry and upset - drugs, teenage pregnancy, divorce at 21 after 4 months marriage.

Thanks @Cyrusc. Not sure why I got singled out but I'm happy knowing I'm not the sort of person to make comments like that so at least my poor kids have a decent mother in that respect 😂

One thing always strikes me about these sorts of threads (not so much this one perhaps) but there are often childfree people saying that while they don't want their own children but are surrounded by others (family, friends kids etc) so have lots of children in their lives, as though they feel they have to somehow normalise their lack of progeny. I have very little contact with children - DH has 2 nieces that we see from time to time and they are lovely girls but we don't have a terribly close relationship with them, just bump into them every once in a while when we are visiting DH/BIL's parents at the same time.

@Wishimaywishimight what you say above is so true (and similarly a lot of childfree people seem to feel the need to declare how much they like children). I don't really enjoy being around kids at all and I feel no need to include them in my life. I make sure I ask after friends' kids and show interest in their progress etc as I know how important they are to my friends, but I don't have a close relationship with any kids. I'm perfectly content with that.

One thing always strikes me about these sorts of threads (not so much this one perhaps) but there are often childfree people saying that while they don't want their own children but are surrounded by others (family, friends kids etc) so have lots of children in their lives, as though they feel they have to somehow normalise their lack of progeny

I agree that childfree people are often made to feel defensive if they don't want contact with children, when there is no reason why they should.

However, I think posts about contact with children are also a response to parents saying, "But what about the joys of seeing children/GC grow up?". I love seeing children growing up and discovering the world: I just didn't feel that I had to push them out my fanny to experience that

I'm choosing not to have children. And I don't think I'll regret it. The daily drudgery of raising children is not for me. The immense responsibility of raising a child is not for me. I'll leave it to other people. This is a very personal decision. Good luck with whatever you decide. There is possibility of regret on both sides of the fence. You just have to make peace with whatever decision you make.

I agree that childfree people are often made to feel defensive if they don't want contact with children, when there is no reason why they should

Two of my adult children say they don't want kids and I'm fully 100% supportive. I never say that I think they might regret it because it's none of my business and, as they are sensible logical emotionally mature adults, I think they can decide for themselves.

I don't see it as an issue at all. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s 90% pulling your hair out 10 % pure joy

This. And i think alot of mums are prob pulling their hair out right now seeing as it's only week 3 of the summer hols! I know i am. There is going to be murder in this house at any minute!! but don't let this put you off OP..it's fun fun fun!

Your life sounds fantastic, I feel envious!
Maybe a little dog would be the answer.
X

I never thought I wanted children and then I hit my early 30’s and suddenly this overwhelming need to be a mother kicked in. I’m 44 soon and have one dd who is 8. Life turned upside down after I had dd. I lost my relationship, my career and my sanity (for a while). The one thing that kept me going was my dd. I can’t give her all the monetary things I had hoped to be able to do now but we have an amazing relationship. We do loads together and she is honestly the light of my life. The best decision I ever made was to be a mother. Life is always full of twists and turns and for some people being child free is right for them. Being a mother was right for me. If you think it is honestly something you will regret then try. If you think you should be a mother because it’s what is expected then don’t. Good luck.

Maybe a little dog would be the answer.

In between travelling I do foster dogs on a short-term basis.

Maybe revealingly we won't adopt because neither of us want the responsibility or daily commitment of a permanent dog!

Maybe revealingly we won't adopt because neither of us want the responsibility or daily commitment of a permanent dog!

I think you have your answer OP!

It’s 90% pulling your hair out 10 % pure joy

I find it the complete opposite!
For me it’s like having three little mates in my house al the time. I’ve never been broody and I didn’t even want children! Now I think they’re hilarious! I think some people get caught up in routine and stuff but we generally go with the flow and we’re all pretty damn happy.

Haven’t RTFT.

Personally, as soon as you ask the question “would you say your life is much improved by having children?” , you probably shouldn’t have them.

Children don’t “improve” your life, that’s not the point. In pretty much every way, children do not improve quality of life: they are expensive, inconvenient, disruptive of routines. If you have them you need to put them first, and accept that their needs trump your wants - and sometimes your needs - for a while. You have to decide whether you are willing to put aside the things that give you pleasure for a while, without resentment and without martyring yourself. You know, after I had my first son the thing that nearly broke me was the realisation that for months/years to come, I wasn’t going to be able to lie around in a Sunday morning and read the Sunday papers for hours! It was a harsh awakening to the reality that my kids need to be fed, washed, entertained, educated, was more important than my desire for leisure time.

My sister didn’t have kids. I think she made the right choice. She and her partner have a lovely life - plenty of disposable income, beautiful apartment with all white walls and furniture, tons of time and space to read / pursue hobbies / garden / exercise, spontaneous meals out / weekends away, breakfast in bed every morning ... DH and I love going to stay with them ;-) But I think she made the right decision as having children, and putting them first, means trading a lot of this in and putting it on hold for a few years at least. And she wasn’t prepared to do that.

If you do have children, don’t expect them to improve your quality of life. They wont: what they will do is change it beyond recognition, for better or worse.

I heard a (I think) Indian saying from Meera Syal recently. She said that “when a child arrives, two new people are born - a baby and it’s mother”.

Maybe revealingly we won't adopt because neither of us want the responsibility or daily commitment of a permanent dog!

Yes that is telling

But also because it more than likely means your ad-hoc fostering - something you enjoy doing and presumably get a lot of happiness and satisfaction from - would have to be knocked on the head if you have a baby round the house.

i heard a (I think) Indian saying from Meera Syal recently. She said that “when a child arrives, two new people are born - a baby and it’s mother"

That's brilliant.

I was always of the opinion that I’d never have children all I was concerned with was my career. I always thought I was far too selfish for a child. I met my dd father and everything changed. He really wanted a family and convinced me to have a baby. As other posters have said it’s bloody hard work and I do miss my old life sometimes (carefree, impromptu cocktails whenever etc.) but honestly I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life. My DD is such a gift and parenthood has taught me a lot about myself, sacrifice and love.

I think if you're not completely certain you want children then don't bother.

I have one child who is 6. I fell pregnant accidentally at a weird time in my life in my early twenties and saw it as a chance to change things. It did change things for me, for the better, but I think if that hadn't have happened I wouldn't have had children. I am not naturally maternal at all and it has been very difficult. DH is a wonderful dad. I'm a good mum and love my child to pieces just in case this comes across as sounding horrible!

Be selfish (not in a bad way!) and enjoy your lives together.

Children do not always enhance your life. I have an adult DC with SN. He is on a fairly even keel at the moment but I have behind me years and years of sleepless nights (because he never slept), being sad about him never being included in birthday parties or friendship groups, complaints and expulsions from school, endless useless meetings with various organisations who are supposed to help but actually just take up time. I have spent more time than I care to think of being patronised by people who have no clue: smile, nod and think "fuck you" has been my default setting for years

I love him to bits, but having him cost me my career, a number friendships and was probably a contributor to the breakdown of my marriage as toad exH never had any patience with him so everything fell to me while he swanned off and had affair because life at home was not all about him.

Now I'm older I worry all the time what will happen to him when I am gone.

If I knew then what I know now, would I have elected not to have DC - yes absolutely.

I always thought I was far too selfish for a child.

I never understand this mindset. People who choose to have children do so for their own personal reasons, which are no more or less 'selfish' than the reasons people choose not to have children. There's nothing altruistic about having a child.

There's nothing altruistic about having a child.

There is if you subscribe to the whole "they are the FUTURE!" theory, as if you are single handedly stopping the human race from extinction and yourself from an old age of penury and loneliness

I am in my mid forties and in my early to late thirties I could have written your post.

In my situation we didn't use contraception from around the age of 30. I never had an urge to have kids. Time passed and nothing happened. We never got checked out or proactively did anything about it. I sort of always knew it wouldn't be straight forward, I don't know why.

Toward my mid thirties I was very very unsure what to do. The main trigger seemed to be that everyone around us were having children and it sort of felt like we were treading water watching everyone else swim past. Still no real biological urge though. In truth most months when I got my period I had a sense of relief which surprised me.

At some point, I cannot pinpoint when - the uncertainty lifted and I am now completely at peace with the whole thing. I am actually relieved to not have children. I have suffered with periods of intense irrational anxiety that something bad will happen to the ones I love. I think if I had children my anxiety would be off the charts. It would damage them.

Who knows what any of our futures hold. Sometimes I think it is best to simply surrender and honour life's flow whatever that may be.

I’m childfree (by choice) and it’s absolute bliss!!! My DH and I get to do whatever we want, when we want, we have a good whack of disposable income so travel to new countries regularly, we sleep in, we can be spontaneous, total and utter freedom! People often think we’re in the honeymoon phase despite being together over a decade. We have a very indulgent lifestyle and our friends with children always seem so restricted, stressed and exhausted.

We’re also looking at early retirement (currently in our 20s and early 30s) and will be able to do so with all the money we’ve saved not having children!

I HIGHLY recommend it!!!

It’s too personal and subjective a decision for anything anyone else says to be of value. For me it wasn’t a choice or a decision to be made I always quietly knew I wanted children and dh felt the same. We have been incredibly lucky and have two lovely girls (well one reaching teens so slightly less so). We do things together and have good fun now they older.

I would be careful who you choose as the father. I have friends who have married men very different to themselves and their kids are then very different too. One friend found out after having an extremely challenging child that her mild mannered extremely successful dh had been expelled from 3 primary schools...