To be a parent or remain childfree?

[MiddleLane]

I'll try and cover this as briefly as possible!

I'm 35. DH is 40. We are financially comfortable and very happy together. I admit I love my clean, tidy house and ability to please myself. We have lovely holidays and can be spontaneous with cinema/restaurants/day trips/weekends away. Life is peaceful and I love my hobbies.

I have zero experience with children. No neices/nephew's or anything, so I've been unable to foster any meaningful relationships with kids. Perhaps because of this I find all kids rather intimidating!

I don't actively dislike children at all (though lots in supermarkets tend to be loud and unruly!) but I've never thought 'I must be a mum'.

Since I turned 30 I've tried to decide whether to try for DC or not. My DH is on the same fence; happy to try, happy to not try. Neither of us feel broody.

I suppose right now I'm happy with how things are, but I do feel sad at the idea of never having a family. I think about Christmas and the future and perhaps all the romanticised ideas of family life.

I realise you have to sacrifice a hell of a lot to bring DC up. Once you've had them I'm sure it must feel like you'd never be without them; but would you say your life is much improved with your DC? I worry about the world and our society too, the stress of growing up in our social media climate worries me as does the impact of more children on the environment.

Yet...I don't want to regret not having kids.

What tipped the scales for you into deciding to have DC, or deciding to remain childfree?

One last bit of info that's quite important; I know I do qualify/would need IVF due to a medical condition, it would be unlikely but not impossible to fall pregnant naturally. So deciding to try would mean the added stress of facing potential infertility.

It seems sensible to think 'Well it may not happen, so if I'm on the fence, then why try?'. But this nagging idea of regret still gnaws at me.

Sorry for the length of the post

Your life sounds good. Don't do it

I always wanted them as did DH.

I've know people who weren't sure who had them who to their surprise absolutley loved being parents and much less vocal few who hated it.

It is one of those leap of faith things.

Though despite wanting DC I did spend a lot of first pg thinking shit what have I done - but that passed for me.

DON’T DO IT!

They’re awful

Agree

I think about Christmas and the future and perhaps all the romanticised ideas of family life

Seriously, have a read of some of the threads on here in four months time. Arsehole families, spoilt ungrateful brats, and Mumsnetters in tears on Christmas day. You’ll quickly be disabused of such romantic notions.

I was indecisive like you but due to the older mothers in my family knew it wasn't impossible until I hit the menopause.

My DP had a child already and was happy either way.

I now have an 11 month old. She is actually a very easy baby so will probably be a nightmare later on.

Not having anymore due to the increased risk of twins as there are lots in my family.

Does help I like children and am close to a few who are now adults.

From a different perspective, my DH knows a few couples who felt like you and were ambivalent about having kids. They didn’t....and then he reckons that it really hit home for them in their 50s. And obviously, if you don’t have kids, then you don’t have grandchildren etc, so there’s a long term impact of that decision. Something to throw into the mix, anyway.

Are you me?? There are so many reasons for me and my husband not to have kids, but then I read things like 'I never wanted kids but now I have them I don't regret it for a second...' and start doubting myself.

I'm terrified of regretting not having kids, but it's a big gamble.

Don't. If you're on the fence, just don't. It's like throwing a grenade into the most stable of relationships and there's no guarantees of a family when you're older, if that's the motivation. Your DC could be disabled, have SN and need lifelong care. You could end up having a big fall out and never speaking to them again. They could end up not getting married or having any DC, and show no interest in having a relationship with you. It's a hell of a risk if all you're hoping for is grown up children and grandchildren around you.

I always knew I wanted DD, I was 26 when I had her and it’s my dream come true. I would never regret it.

But it’s hard. You have to be all in. Not much can prepare you. It would turn your life upside down but we’re one year in now and we’re getting our independence back. We’ll only have one as I think you get best of both worlds that way.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Probably not helpful at all, but I just had an overwhelming urge

Yet...I don't want to regret not having kids

I totally get where you are coming from, but a fear of possible future regret would be a crazy reason to create another human being!

I was in the same position as you 10 years ago, but decided that I would much rather live with the risk of future regret about childlessness than to have kids then regret it. That seemed to me to be the worst possible scenario for me, but even more for the kids. My own DM was highly ambivalent about motherhood, and my childhood was very affected by that. I didn't want to inflict the same on my own kids.

I am not saying that have have never had any regrets because obviously there are good things about being a parent that I have missed out on. However, I have never doubted that it was the right call over all.

I always thought I wanted kids but at some point in the future. I also had a comfortable lifestyle, lots of holidays etc.
We decided to try and luckily I got pregnant very quickly at 40. Our son is now seven months old. I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I've met so many new friends through mum and baby groups and every day is a joy.
He has slept through since nine weeks and is a really contented and happy boy. I am totally and utterly in love.
He has his own bedroom and his own playroom, so baby stuff is very much contained. It hasn't taken over.
Me and my husband have lovely evenings together, although we are more tired!
We are off to Spain in September and again in October to see family. No issue taking the baby. We also intend to take him on our usual american road trip. We may not be able to fly Business for a few years, but that's the only issue there.
We like it so much we are already working on dc2!
Now that's just my experience and I am sure others will have had different experiences. All I am saying is that it isn't necessarily the end of life as you know it
Good luck with whatever you decide

Also I think a PP makes a good point about grandchildren etc.

I think family is everything. Seeing DD and my nieces together is lovely. As they grow up and (possibly) have children of their own it will add a new dynamic. I like the idea of adult kids, holidays together, being part of a family unit.

If you aren't sure if you want them, it's better to err on the side of caution. On saying that, people do realise they enjoy having children more than they expected. I know quite a few women who had no time or patience for children before they had their own, and are now like pigs in muck and loving it- quite a few retraining as midwives, primary school teachers, opening their own nurseries etc. I am similar - I had no experience of children, my first pregnancy was unexpected, but I've thoroughly enjoyed motherhood. It has definitely been the hardest thing I've ever done, and you open yourself to so much potential heartbreak and joy, but to me it's been worth it and I wouldn't change a thing. We have a very nice family life though - good kids, husband and I do 50/50, decent work life balance. So I've never felt overwhelmed or like I've lost myself, more that I've opened a door to another part of myself and I'm spending more time in that room at the moment. Rather than the one marked "lie ins and lots of time to self". I also don't mind the domestic drudgery - my husband does his bit and I train my kids up early not to be lazy shits.

I will say that the demographic on MN does tend to be women who are well educated, have more options in life, and more to lose if the motherhood gamble doesn't pay off. This can lead to some over intellectualising and worry, which I've definitely been guilty of. When I went part time I was all "omg what would the mn vipers and Xenia say" because on MN there is that culture of keep your full time job and career going no matter what. Which for some people is an absolute necessity, but when I stepped back and looked at my life without looking through the prism of mumsnet, that decision worked for me and my family, plus I'm working in a vocational job where nobody gives a shit if I'm PT and I'll probably retrain in a few years anyway.

So what I'm trying to say is, listen to other people's experiences, think about it hard, look at it from all angles, but then stop thinking about it, leave it, sleep on it, let all the accumulated information percolate for a while. Give yourself a deadline to make a decision if you like. By the time it comes along you'll probably have a clearer idea of whether you really want to go for it or not

I always think if you have to ask then you don't want them enough and should not have any.

I am sure some childfree couples regret their decision but none of the ones I know do and I know a lot. Me and DH have never regretted our decision.

Couples who have children often regret doing so - quite a few women and men I have met over the years have said they love their children but if they could go back in time they would not have any.

Surely better to regret not having any than having them?

Children obviously can bring a lot of joy but they also often bring lots of grief, hassle, stress etc. Most of our friends who have children are divorced and most blame having children as it put so much strain on their relationship. Many of our friends with children are on second or third marriages. All our childfree friends are on their first marriage with the shortest being 29 years and the longest 45 years. Coincidence? I don't think so.

As I say, we have never regretted it even for a second and, now in our 60's, are so glad we chose not to have children. The world is overpopulated and there are going to be many problems in the future with climate change, shortages of food and water etc.

If you're having to think about it so much you should stay child free. You have to want it 100%. It's exhausting, expensive and life changing. There is a couple I know who had a child because they thought it was the done thing or the next step. Their daughter spends all week at school and all weekend at her grandparents. She is looked after and wants for nothing but her parents still want to live their life like before they had her.

my DH knows a few couples who felt like you and were ambivalent about having kids. They didn’t....and then he reckons that it really hit home for them in their 50s. And obviously, if you don’t have kids, then you don’t have grandchildren etc, so there’s a long term impact of that decision. Something to throw into the mix, anyway

That hasn't been our experience at all. As our friends' DC get older and more independent, we notice the difference between us and them, less, not more.

And we have had lots of involvement with the kids of friends and family, including a family fostering arrangement for a while (I usually call them my 'DSC' on MN to avoid explaining the whole thing, but actually they were relatives). I'm not saying it's the same as being a parent - it isn't of course- but we haven't lived in some sterile child-free bubble. We enjoyed the fostering, though it was tough, but it didn't affect our views on having our own either way.

And the OP's child might grow up and move to Oz, or never have kids. Having a child to have GC seems wrong to me, and to place a lot of expectations on the child that s/he might not want.

Stay childfree. Unless you must, just don't.

I didn’t have a yearning. I didn’t feel broody at all. And I definitely didn’t “just know”.
I wasn’t a baby or child person. I didn’t even really like kids and tbh I still don’t massively like other people’s kids. But I love mine.
I wasn’t sure at exactly the same age as you. My DH felt the same. But we decided to take the leap.
From the moment I fell pregnant my mindset changed. Both myself and my DH are so glad we did have children. They are amazing, so fun, little lovely companions who shed fresh light on the world. And your heart will burst with the love you feel for them.
But, it is tough. You will be poorer, have to make sacrifices, put your own needs lower down the list, compromise a lot, and have a messier house. You will also worry about things you never thought it was possible to worry about. Unless you are very wealthy, you will have to adapt holidays too.
But I definitely care less about all that stuff now. My kids completely outweigh it for me. It’s also made me far less perfectionist which can only be a good thing.

He has his own bedroom and his own playroom, so baby stuff is very much contained. It hasn't taken over.

With all due respect, he probably isn't even crawling yet! You've got one 7-month-old - you really are at the very start of your parenting career and have no idea what will happen when your DC starts to move and talk and throw tantrums and have opinions. Babies are generally pretty easy! What comes next is harder and it's much trickier to keep up your 'usual american road trip' when you've got a cranky toddler or an opinionated 13-year-old.

If I had my time again, I wouldn’t have any.

They haven’t enhanced my life particularly, have caused relationship problems and have just been very hard work. I love them as you do when you have kids and I do lots with them and for them but given the choice again I would not do it. I found the baby stage lovely, the toddler stage ok, the pre teen years hard, the teenage years very hard and even as adults they bring endless problems which as someone who suffers from anxiety, gives me lots of worry.

OP, I wasn’t sure but had kids because I thought I wanted to experience everything life has to offer and that was a huge thing to miss out on. What I failed to appreciate was that having kids means you miss out on a hell of a lot of other things. I look at my childless friends who can work abroad at the drop of a hat, travel the world, afford beautiful properties and wonderful meals out. Neither do they spend their days being woken up at the crack of dawn to get on with laundry and the school run.

We could have done all this but chose kids. I’m not saying it was the wrong decision, but there are sacrifices required for either path.

How ridiculous to have children because you want grandchildren. What if your children don't want children of their own?

I have 3 nieces and 3 nephews. Two of my nieces chose not to have children. All three of my nephews say they don't want children although they are still quite young (24 to 30) so that may change.

Children can, and often do, move way, emigrate, fall out with their parents.

Imagine this scenario @MiddleLane

Ive just rocked up at your house with a pregnancy test. You've just done the test. It's positive. You absolutely did not think you were pregnant.

How do you feel?

Seems harsh but this is the reality.
(Oh and most people have the OH SHIT feeling even when they are trying for a baby. Because it's real then!)

If your thoughts are "wtf I've ruined my life" then maybe you've got your answer.

It's a bit of a leap of faith. I never wanted kids (I even looked into sterilisation), but eventually evolved into being ambivalent about the idea.

My husband eventually realised that he wanted a child, but would support whatever decision I made. I decided to take one for the team, which was a big risk - I was always terrified of having a kid and resenting it.

A couple of years of fertility woes followed, and then a baby, who is now three. He's amazing, I can't imagine being without him. He's the best thing ever.

However, I think I could have also had a happy childfree life. I think my husband on the other hand would have always felt a sense of regret.

If you have no family support, imagine things that you'll lose, for a fair few years. I use a chunk of my holiday allowance every year for t'boy's random viruses. My husband and I have to take time off work to go to the cinema during day. For a couple of years, weekend activities were based around the sprog's naptimes. If that makes you recoil in horror more than the idea of remaining childless, then think very carefully about getting up the duff.