To be a parent or remain childfree?

[MiddleLane]

I'll try and cover this as briefly as possible!

I'm 35. DH is 40. We are financially comfortable and very happy together. I admit I love my clean, tidy house and ability to please myself. We have lovely holidays and can be spontaneous with cinema/restaurants/day trips/weekends away. Life is peaceful and I love my hobbies.

I have zero experience with children. No neices/nephew's or anything, so I've been unable to foster any meaningful relationships with kids. Perhaps because of this I find all kids rather intimidating!

I don't actively dislike children at all (though lots in supermarkets tend to be loud and unruly!) but I've never thought 'I must be a mum'.

Since I turned 30 I've tried to decide whether to try for DC or not. My DH is on the same fence; happy to try, happy to not try. Neither of us feel broody.

I suppose right now I'm happy with how things are, but I do feel sad at the idea of never having a family. I think about Christmas and the future and perhaps all the romanticised ideas of family life.

I realise you have to sacrifice a hell of a lot to bring DC up. Once you've had them I'm sure it must feel like you'd never be without them; but would you say your life is much improved with your DC? I worry about the world and our society too, the stress of growing up in our social media climate worries me as does the impact of more children on the environment.

Yet...I don't want to regret not having kids.

What tipped the scales for you into deciding to have DC, or deciding to remain childfree?

One last bit of info that's quite important; I know I do qualify/would need IVF due to a medical condition, it would be unlikely but not impossible to fall pregnant naturally. So deciding to try would mean the added stress of facing potential infertility.

It seems sensible to think 'Well it may not happen, so if I'm on the fence, then why try?'. But this nagging idea of regret still gnaws at me.

Sorry for the length of the post

I have a friend who for the entire time we were growing up, said that she was desperate to be a mom one day. It was a very strong urge that she had, believed that having a child would give her a real sense of happiness and achievement.

Fast forward to now, she has a 3 year old son and she tells me often that she wishes he wasn’t here. He is quite hard work and she doesn’t have a huge amount of support and she tells me that it’s so much harder than she ever thought it would be. She frequently calls me in tears about how hard she finds it and she has even said, on more than one occasion, that she sometimes thinks about handing him over to social services.

I’m sure she loves him and she shows him love, she never lets on or demonstrates to him how she feels, but she is very honest about how motherhood is not how she imagined. Her life has to focus around her son, her hobbies and social life have pretty much come to an end and she misses the life she used to have. She tells me that she wishes she’d never had him.

I have two sons (both planned and wanted), I love them and I don’t regret them, but if I had my chance at life again I honestly don't think I would have children next time round.

I think you might regret not having children but are unlikely to regret having them

Read the thread. Dozens of people have said they regret it. It’s not something people blurt out in real life.

I don’t think childless by choice couples can really regret not having children.

My DH and I have both remarked that, we can’t now imagine life without our DC, but if we had gone ahead and not had kids, we would not have been too sad. Maybe a twinge now and then, but how could we have known what we were missing? You just can’t know.

It’s like describing marriage to those outside of it. A good, loving marriage is amazing, but you hear about all the bad stuff (ask anyone who is about to get married), and all those marrieds who come out of the woodwork and tell you not to do it, yet they’ve gone ahead and done it!

Maybe it’s better to be alone and never go through the headaches of marriage either. I kind of view it the same way really.

Maybe it’s better to be alone and never go through the headaches of marriage either. I kind of view it the same way really.

Getting divorced was the best thing I ever did.

I couldn’t bear sharing my home with someone else - partner, child, whoever. The mere idea feels suffocating.

Childfree, unmarried women are the happiest of all according to science, kind of bullshit we’re pushed into marriage and baeeebies when we’d be happier without lol

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

Childfree, unmarried women are the happiest of all according to science

I can believe it, shitty marriages and difficult children can break people

Being childfree & single is simply the only way I can function. Definitely the only way I can thrive.

If you are unsure, I think you should remain childfree.
As you have seen, it's relentless and exhausting for many parents and some posters have admitted to regretting their decision to have children. Obviously, the experience is different for everyone depending on the level of support, finances, the character and health of the child and parents. A couple of posters have commented on how they were in two minds about children but now love it. It does seem worth noting that both the ones I noticed have one child still under one and admit that they are 'an easy baby'. Parenthood is a long haul and babies change, stresses and misfortune impact more when you have the pressure of children to care for.
Once you have made the decision you can't go back so I would think really carefully if you feel unsure.

I don't view marriage as anything like whether to have children or not but that's probably because I am lucky enough to have a happy marriage.

At least if you get married and regret it you can get divorced. Ok I am sure it is not a pleasant experience and quite possibly not always easy but it's not like regretting having a child is it?

If I'm totally honest I sometimes regret having kids. My life before was much like yours...spontaneous travel, cinema trips and just generally doing what I wanted when I wanted. Now I have a couple of kids and am counting down the years until they leave home. Admittedly it's getting easier now they're getting older.

A couple of posters have commented on how they were in two minds about children but now love it. It does seem worth noting that both the ones I noticed have one child still under one and admit that they are 'an easy baby'. Parenthood is a long haul and babies change, stresses and misfortune impact more when you have the pressure of children to care for.

Absolutely - the baby period is the easy part.

It’s when they turn two years old that things start going downhill.

My children utterly drain me at times.

My sister’s children are 10 and 13 and she is finally starting to get some kind of life back and I admit that I’m jealous!!

Being childfree & single is simply the only way I can function. Definitely the only way I can thrive.

As I type this I am sat with my skype headphones one, waiting for a call to start. Through them, and the wall and the high sleeper bed that I know is alongside the shared wall, I can hear next door's children "playing" (battering) musical instruments in that continuous yet nerve-janglingly stop-start way only children can. There's a sort of organ/keyboard noise and some kind of wind instrument.

I can only imagine the din in their actual house.

Luckily for me I can simply leave this room and go into a room that is silent as a grave, apart from gently snoring felines. I shall be keeping it that way forever, with 0% regret and 100% confidence in my choice to stay childfree.

I felt a bit like you OP. Not sure I wanted children at all, no experience of spending time with children/babies etc. DH definitely wanted them though and, because I was undecided (rather than dead against it), we decided to go for it.
Once we started TTC I was overcome with a desire to have children, it was bizarre. I went from not being sure I wanted them, to being fixated on getting pregnant.

Now I have two DC who I love and adore. They bring so much into my life BUT it's also hard. Harder than I could have imagined. I often mourn my old life and wonder if we really made the right decision. I am sleep deprived that I often could (and do) cry and I miss many aspects of my carefree child-free life. But who can say if I'd be happier in an alternative version of my life where I made a different decision? I have no way to know and what I do know is that my children bring me a type of joy and love I couldn't have previously imagined and I cannot possibly think of life without them now. So even in the moments where I do regret giving up my child-free life, it's fleeting because of the love I have for my children.

I was always warned by people growing up "don't have kids, they ruin your life"!

So I didn't... for 35 years. Then I had another at 38 and now want another at 43! I love being a mother.

It's a life-changer but a good one. It's hard to get used to at first, but you adapt.

Good luck with your decision!

Reading some of the replies here has been good for me. I'm going back to read more once I post this.

If I had my time over, I'd remain childless. I love my kids, obviously, but I believe I could been happy without being a mother. It's a hard, relentless slog at times, and in all honesty I can't wait until they're adults. I don't care if they have kids or not, but I know I'll not become granny daycare. I have my own plans!

I'm sort of born again child free by choice. When I married DH I certainly did want children but it never happened despite medical interventions. We both knew we did not want to pursue other options. Now I'm in my late 50s, we have a bloody great life together ( I have just taken early retirement) and knowing what I know now I think if I had my time again I would have chosen to be child free from the outset.

Being childfree & single is simply the only way I can function. Definitely the only way I can thrive.

Same. I love my alone time. I get crabby and nervy when I have to be around people too much. The constant demands and noise of children would be nightmarish for me.

It's worth mentioning that I reckon I'll be in the "one and done" camp.
I might change my mind in future but at present, I feel this may be my only child, due to personal as well as financial considerations.

One and done here too. It took a few years to come to terms with but happily accepting of it now. I think a pp mentioned if you are on the fence about the whole thing then just try for one. Be daring! Tbh i'm 47 now and my nearly 6yo is adorable but drives me mental and i honestly wouldn't cope with a newborn as well. So glad we have our only!

I love my DS but I pretty much know I'd have had a happier life without him ( as long as I had had DH in my life). I would be miserable now without DH but not without DS ( if I had never know him of course, losing him now would.be devastating).

This is because I get masses back from DH but.not as much from DS and I am fundamentally too selfish to get much pleasure from taking care of people and loving unconditionally without.much care in return . Children generally don't love their parents as much as the other way round.and certainly shouldn't take care of them That is as it should be but I find that quite hard to live with and it stresses me out as I pretty much loathe all responsibility really.

That is the unvarnished truth. I was very ambivalent about having children but DH wanted them so I did as I didn't want to lose him. Given I had DS I'd have preferred two as I feel incredibly guilty that DS will be alone when dh and I die but we couldn't have a second.

In answer to your question op, I am afraid only you can decide but I personally would have been happier without children I think, despite loving DS very much and worrying about him constantly. He does have ASD and ADHD which makes a difference but it.is always a.risk that your child.might have problems

I never wanted children and never had them - I'm in my late forties now. One of the reasons for not having them is that I'm extremely sensitive to noise and feel really on-edge when a child is screaming on the train or something- if I had a noisy home or would massively impact my mental health. Another reason is that I love doing what I want when I want, hate drudgery and only want to do the bare minimum of it, don't want to see children's films or read children's books or hang out at soft play areas. Friends post lots of photos of their children on Facebook and their lives just don't look appealing to me (although I'm very happy they're happy!). I find cats cuter than kids. I love reading, travelling, going to restaurants and the theatre and hanging out with DH - I don't feel like anything missing. I probably sound like a horrible person and selfish but having kids is just not right for me. Honestly, having children is just not something I really think about much. I definitely don't regret not having them. I am fortunate I can put money aside to pay for carers to come and help me when I get old. And I'm hoping those personal care robots will be widely available when I'm in my dotage!

For those who say it gets easier when they get older... Not always. For example my sister is in her mid-forties and has had a lot of problems with drugs, alcohol, and mental illness. She's unemployed and our parents are going broke trying to help and support her. She gives them no end of worries and it's awful watching them go through that - not how they should be spending the last few years of their lives .

DH and I are childfree and there is generally not a week goes by when one of us doesn't say "bullet dodged" or "thank God it's not us" when it comes to the subject of children.
There's very little about the process that interests us, it's "nope" all the way.
DH just isn't interested and I like my peace and quiet. As I'm typing this all I can hear is my dog snoring gently on the floor next to me.
We may regret it later, we may not and if we do regret it then that's on us.

I think you need to ask yourself whether you would be willing to accept all possible scenarios when it comes to having a child - difficult pregnancy/birth, child with additional needs, adult child not talking to you, etc. and analyse your motives for wanting one. I would avoid romanticising the idea too much - I think the whole concept of children, bringing them into the world, bringing them up, is anything but romantic - on the contrary, it all seems very visceral!

Thank you so much for the replies, I've read through everyone's experiences and it's been really insightful. I appreciate the honesty.

I feel clearer. If I'm honest too, then I feel that if I could magically guarantee a healthy, happy child with no complex needs who I would have a great bond with as a child and then as an adult, then I'd love to be a mum.

Even then, the stress, struggles, sacrifices and disruption still seem like huge factors - but add the risk of physical or mental complications and I don't know how I would cope.

I think I'm buying into the idea of a happy Waltons-type family that rarely exists.

I visited a friend with a toddler this week, he's very sweet and good as gold but I when I left I did think "Phew, back to normality at home" rather than have any pangs of envy or broodiness.

I think if I do remain childfree then I will just have to accept still having pangs of regret/sadness at never experiencing having a child or belonging to the 'mum club'.

In the meantime I'm taking it a month or so at a time. Eg "Do we want to try this month?"
"I've got my half marathon in 5 weeks, starting a new course next month and I fancy going abroad for my birthday..so no...I'll think about it again in January..."

I would never have had children but got pregnant accidentally and it was too late to do anything about it. I love my son but when you have kids you no longer have your own life you are living for someone else. Forget the romance. Neither of us do Xmas. He's atheist and I'm pagan but if either of us is in trouble the other rushes in.
My rule of thumb is if you have no burning need to have children then don't.

How would you feel about not having a child if anything happened to your husband and and you were alone?

@madcatladyforever I love my son but when you have kids you no longer have your own life you are living for someone else.

I have to say I don't agree with this. I love my son too (he's 2) but I do have my own life! I have a great job, lovely friends who I see both with and without kids, still travel (not as much as before, granted), read books, follow my interests etc. I don't spend my life 24/7 thinking about my child. I'm certainly not living for him. He's got his own life to lead and one day he'll leave home and go off to enjoy it. I'll be in trouble then if I don't have my own life!

OP, I like your approach of taking it month by month. Maybe one day the scales will tip and maybe they won't!