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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a parent or remain childfree?

324 replies

MiddleLane · 08/08/2019 09:32

I'll try and cover this as briefly as possible!

I'm 35. DH is 40. We are financially comfortable and very happy together. I admit I love my clean, tidy house and ability to please myself. We have lovely holidays and can be spontaneous with cinema/restaurants/day trips/weekends away. Life is peaceful and I love my hobbies.

I have zero experience with children. No neices/nephew's or anything, so I've been unable to foster any meaningful relationships with kids. Perhaps because of this I find all kids rather intimidating!

I don't actively dislike children at all (though lots in supermarkets tend to be loud and unruly!) but I've never thought 'I must be a mum'.

Since I turned 30 I've tried to decide whether to try for DC or not. My DH is on the same fence; happy to try, happy to not try. Neither of us feel broody.

I suppose right now I'm happy with how things are, but I do feel sad at the idea of never having a family. I think about Christmas and the future and perhaps all the romanticised ideas of family life.

I realise you have to sacrifice a hell of a lot to bring DC up. Once you've had them I'm sure it must feel like you'd never be without them; but would you say your life is much improved with your DC? I worry about the world and our society too, the stress of growing up in our social media climate worries me as does the impact of more children on the environment.

Yet...I don't want to regret not having kids.

What tipped the scales for you into deciding to have DC, or deciding to remain childfree?

One last bit of info that's quite important; I know I do qualify/would need IVF due to a medical condition, it would be unlikely but not impossible to fall pregnant naturally. So deciding to try would mean the added stress of facing potential infertility.

It seems sensible to think 'Well it may not happen, so if I'm on the fence, then why try?'. But this nagging idea of regret still gnaws at me.

Sorry for the length of the post Blush

OP posts:
Cloudyyy · 12/08/2019 10:06

I would say do it only if you’re sure you want DC. Personally I love being a mum there is absolutely nothing that compares to the love I have for our DC. Our life now is very different and busy but it is immeasurably enriched by our DC. They are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing on my mind at night. I always wanted them though, I had a strong feeling that I wanted to be a mum and I knew it was for me.

MangoFeverDream · 12/08/2019 13:37

We’re also looking at early retirement (currently in our 20s and early 30s) and will be able to do so with all the money we’ve saved not having children!

I read your first paragraph thinking you were in your 40s/50s or something. If you are still in your 20s, not sure the decision is done and dusted. I never even gave one thought about children in my 20s, it just seemed like a theoretical exercise.

IcedPurple · 12/08/2019 13:40

There is if you subscribe to the whole "they are the FUTURE!" theory, as if you are single handedly stopping the human race from extinction and yourself from an old age of penury and loneliness

The human population has doubled in the past 50 years. Before, it took hundreds of thousands of years to do so. The human race isn't going to die out any time soon, and even if it was, would that actually be such a bad thing?

QueenofmyPrinces · 12/08/2019 14:05

Don’t do it OP - they do nothing but drain you....physically, emotionally, financially and drain you of your time Grin

But seriously - I have two children who I love the bones of but if I had my time again I would remain child free and enjoy a life of freedom where my only responsibility was to myself.

Sipperskipper · 12/08/2019 14:16

I haven’t RTFT but I am 33 and have a 2 year old DD. We were never sure about children and I’ve never really loved them (although didn’t dislike them) and had no experience with them. I got pregnant after getting confused with my cycle after taking norethisterone to delay my period for a holiday! It was a very happy accident though and I was thrilled when I realised I was pregnant.

Life is really different now - we are very financially comfortable so don’t have the stress of money, but have little / no time to ourselves. That’s probably my only downside - no space or time to just potter in the quiet, or chat over coffee, or walk for 12 miles with the dog!

But other than that it’s great fun - watching DD grow and learn is magic, and she is hilarious. I’d really quite like another one now, I’m enjoying it that much.

Sipperskipper · 12/08/2019 14:18

PS - I should say I’m no happier or less happy than pre DD. I really enjoyed my life then (it was great!) and I really enjoy it now (it is great!) it’s just a bit different that’s all.

Ginger1982 · 12/08/2019 14:43

I see you foster dogs OP, but have you thought about fostering children?

Scorpiovenus · 12/08/2019 15:30

Stay child free.... you WILL regret it.

once you make that mistake you cant go back.

ColaFreezePop · 12/08/2019 15:37

One friend found out after having an extremely challenging child that her mild mannered extremely successful dh had been expelled from 3 primary schools..

Well at least the child is likely to grow out of it...

CilantroChili · 12/08/2019 17:13

Tough one. That said, the happiest couple I personally know (well) are childfree by choice.

QueenofmyPrinces · 12/08/2019 17:17

The happiest couple I know are childfree by choice too and they have an amazing life!!

Yes, I am jealous.

Kikibee · 12/08/2019 17:34

Don’t, just don’t, I ttc for years and finally got lucky, had 3 in the end. If I could turn back the clock I wouldn’t have any. I wouldn’t be without them now but life would have been more fun without them. Oh well, only another 10 years before the last one leaves school, no doubt either me or dh will keel over soon after. It’s not the baby/toddler/primary school age, oh no it’s the hormonal teenager stage, just awful.

thinkingcapon · 12/08/2019 17:42

@Kikibee why did you have 3 then?!
I can't even cope with 1!

PurpleFlower1983 · 12/08/2019 17:52

I was in a similar position to you OP when DH and I started trying. I was almost 32 and DH was 37 at the time. I was very on the fence and was of the opinion that if it didn’t happen naturally we would maybe have one round of IVF and that would be that as I didn’t ‘want’ it enough. We conceived naturally after being referred for fertility investigations had our DD this year, I’m 35, DH 40. She’s 6 months now and is the best thing that has ever happened to me (and DH). We both have had happy careers and have done some amazing things in our lives, together and apart, but she is on a different level, I’ve never known something to bring so much joy.

I might not be saying this in a few years time but right now I’m just so grateful for her. She’s changed my life so much for the better and I was really happy before.

Kikibee · 12/08/2019 18:19

@thinkingcapon I enjoyed the baby and toddler stages, I loved it in fact, it’s just since the teens have been reached...

onemorecakeplease · 12/08/2019 18:34

Don't have them unless you really want them!

It's bloody hard work and only bearable if you truly love and want them!!

zeeboo · 12/08/2019 18:51

I'm with @Liverbird77 I'm quite dismayed to read so many people saying they don't like parenthood or regret it and the constant assertion that it is just hard slog. I've had some huge challenges raising my 4 but day to day it isn't hard it's just normal life. I now have one pre teen and 3 adult children and my life is so much richer than holidays or a clean house. It's watching them get their first house, job, fall in love, ride a bike with no hands, getting a part in their drama club play and excelling in it. It's having these incredible, intelligent, funny and caring people who I have a huge bond of trust and love with who will be with me for life even if they emigrate to Oz, they'll still be closer to me than friends can be.
We had our youngest because when the then youngest hit 7 we realised we didn't have anything to do. He dressed himself, read his book by himself, fixed himself a sandwich at lunchtime with his sister.. we needed to be 24/7 parents again. I guess that's the difference, both dh and I had huge biological drive to have children.
After the baby was born we knew we were 'done' and now she is in upper junior school I can just pop out if one of her siblings is at home. We could go on fancy holidays if we had the money; though dh and I are both of the opinion that foreign holidays are a waste of money.
I have a huge circle of friends and many hobbies, some of those involve my kids and some I do alone but my life is happy and fulfilling and I don't feel hard done by at all. My kids enhance my life and open up opportunities, they haven't closed any doors.

Swellerellamoo · 12/08/2019 19:18

I wasn't content before kids, was absolutely miserable during the very early years , made huge changes and now feel my life as a parent has completed me in a way that nothing else could have. However it is at huge personal, emotional, physical and financial cost. But you sound content and at peace and happy - in your position I would probably be happy with what I had, if that makes sense.

BooseysMom · 12/08/2019 19:39

I am actually relieved to not have children. I have suffered with periods of intense irrational anxiety that something bad will happen to the ones I love. I think if I had children my anxiety would be off the charts. It would damage them.

I know exactly where you're coming from as i have the same worries only we have DS now and yes, my anxiety can go off the scale if i don't try and control it. Stuff on the news eg. The missing girl in Malaysia ..it's like i can feel all the pain parents go thru for their kids and i never had this before having DS. It's changed my life in many good ways but also some bad.

thinkingcapon · 12/08/2019 20:04

@Kikibee I'll swap you then ! X

Skittlenommer · 13/08/2019 00:36

@MangoFeverDream I read your first paragraph thinking you were in your 40s/50s or something. If you are still in your 20s, not sure the decision is done and dusted. I never even gave one thought about children in my 20s, it just seemed like a theoretical exercise

My DH is in his 20s and has already had a vasectomy. I’m in my early 30s and will have my tubes tied by the end of the year. This is the right decision for us.

Absolutely no doubts! Grin

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 13/08/2019 08:12

I read your first paragraph thinking you were in your 40s/50s or something. If you are still in your 20s, not sure the decision is done and dusted. I never even gave one thought about children in my 20s, it just seemed like a theoretical exercise

Ugh. That is just another variant on "you'll change your mind". Just zip it, will you?

MangoFeverDream · 13/08/2019 08:18

Ugh. That is just another variant on "you'll change your mind". Just zip it, will you?

People say it because as you get older, you notice that the people around you vehemently denying they’ll ever have children when in their 20s/early 30s suddenly have a change of heart as they near 40 and pump out 2+ kids rapid fire.

I am not here to evangelize about children (I had them rather late after not being sure for ages) but it’s hard to take it seriously sometimes from younger adults.

However, Skittle is going to get her tubes tied, so she’s actually putting her money where her mouth is ...

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 13/08/2019 10:13

People say it because as you get older, you notice that the people around you vehemently denying they’ll ever have children when in their 20s/early 30s suddenly have a change of heart as they near 40 and pump out 2+ kids rapid fire.

Even if every single person I know drastically changes their mind, and pumps out 25 kids in succession, starts wearing flowing robes, calls herself Earth Mother Goddess, deadicates her entire life and Wills her entire estate to the wellbeing of children everywhere...even then: Zip. It.

There are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of women who have never wanted children, and never will, and are very happy with that choice. Who the everloving fuck are you (by which I mean a generic 'you') to come along and patronise us with your bountiful wisdom on our personal life decisions?

I don't go up to mothers, pull a pained face and say "och, I expect you regret having them, don't you?" or "what a mistake, eh?"

It's so unbelievably crass (and mindbogglingly arrogant) to assume that childfree women haven't given their own lives some thought and all we needed was for some busybody to pop up and tell us we just don't know what we want.

And that's before I even get to childless women - those who desperately do want children but for whatever reason have not had them and along you (again, generic) bowl to remind them of it.

Please, just mind your own business.

MangoFeverDream · 13/08/2019 12:13

There are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of women who have never wanted children, and never will, and are very happy with that choice

Wonderful. I still only take it seriously when they are nearing menopause and very happy with the decision. People are fickle creatures.

Plenty of men brag about how much they hate children and then, whaddya know, they’ve got children they (say they) adore with their decades younger wife. It’s kind of a Mumsnet stereotype at this point.

Human behavior is something to point out and laugh about. You don’t have to justify your decisions to me, but I can make my own mind up about it.