To be a parent or remain childfree?

[MiddleLane]

I'll try and cover this as briefly as possible!

I'm 35. DH is 40. We are financially comfortable and very happy together. I admit I love my clean, tidy house and ability to please myself. We have lovely holidays and can be spontaneous with cinema/restaurants/day trips/weekends away. Life is peaceful and I love my hobbies.

I have zero experience with children. No neices/nephew's or anything, so I've been unable to foster any meaningful relationships with kids. Perhaps because of this I find all kids rather intimidating!

I don't actively dislike children at all (though lots in supermarkets tend to be loud and unruly!) but I've never thought 'I must be a mum'.

Since I turned 30 I've tried to decide whether to try for DC or not. My DH is on the same fence; happy to try, happy to not try. Neither of us feel broody.

I suppose right now I'm happy with how things are, but I do feel sad at the idea of never having a family. I think about Christmas and the future and perhaps all the romanticised ideas of family life.

I realise you have to sacrifice a hell of a lot to bring DC up. Once you've had them I'm sure it must feel like you'd never be without them; but would you say your life is much improved with your DC? I worry about the world and our society too, the stress of growing up in our social media climate worries me as does the impact of more children on the environment.

Yet...I don't want to regret not having kids.

What tipped the scales for you into deciding to have DC, or deciding to remain childfree?

One last bit of info that's quite important; I know I do qualify/would need IVF due to a medical condition, it would be unlikely but not impossible to fall pregnant naturally. So deciding to try would mean the added stress of facing potential infertility.

It seems sensible to think 'Well it may not happen, so if I'm on the fence, then why try?'. But this nagging idea of regret still gnaws at me.

Sorry for the length of the post

I got married at 35 DH is a year older. I was a bit like you I never had a massive desire to have children of my own but thought they might happen. We were both fence sitters too.
When I saw DH with a friends child I thought then that he would make a good dad. We spoke openly to our vicar before getting married and decided we might try and see what happened. Nothing did happen and we went for infertility tests, had two miscarriages before getting pregnant with DS then DD 13 months after this.
My house is certainly not tidy and I feel tired most of the time. The kids have cost us a fortune, holidays are mainly around them, lots of worry, stress and arguments, but we have also had a laugh and fun seeing them happy and having fun and having fun with them and we both love them dearly and wouldn’t be without them.
I think children can be both the best and the worst things in your life. They do change you and change your life completely but they are also very hard work.

These threads always contain a weird thread of every parent making a point of saying how much they love their children.

Isn't that a bit of a given? Why is there this compulsion to explicitly say so. Nobody is going to read a post and assume that just because childrearing includes a lot of drudgery that you actually loathe them?

@Swellerellamoo

Hope you don't mind me asking but I'm very curious to know what huge changes you made? Your post resonated with me as I too wasn't content before having children and I'm finding the early years hellish! Would love to know how I might turn that around...

If there’s even a chance you may regret not having kids (or trying your best) then you owe it to yourself to ttc. Most parents your age don’t regret having kids and that’s kind of what you need to remember - you may regret not trying but it’s unlikely you’ll regret having them!

lifesnotaspectatorsport

My story is almost identical! To a spooky degree. The only difference is that DH is part time so we don’t split 50:50, he does more.

I was certainly the same in that it was really curiosity that made me take the plunge. I’m very very pleased I did.

Interesting thread!

OP, I could've written most of your post myself.

I never really felt like I wanted children, I just kinda "assumed" that I'd probably have them one day. I never really got broody over babies and have no nieces/nephews or any babysitting experience, as it were. I have a great marriage and a good career that I earned a degree for. We enjoyed nice holidays, eating out, and basically doing whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. I've never been a "going out clubbing every night" kinda person, but I'm certainly very independent.

A little over a year ago, I had my contraceptive implant removed. Firstly, because I wanted to see if it had any positive effects on my health, and secondly, because I figured we'd like to start a family "at some point" and it might have taken a while for my body to get itself in order, as it were (turns out that my periods returned quickly and regularly, though!)

My husband and I weren't being particularly "cautious" during sex, however, I fell pregnant the very first time we had 100% unprotected sex (sorry for TMI but basically, not pulling out) at the beginning of this year.

To say I was shocked is an understatement. Like an idiot, I assumed it'd take a lot longer to conceive than one attempt. I thought we'd have more time to get used to the idea of having a child. I was stupid (tbh, I doubted my fertility due to my age - being in my 30's - numerous years on hormonal contraceptives and past pregnancy scares that turned out to be nothing). Stupid stupid stupid.

Still, despite the shock and various worries, my husband and I figured that it was now or never! We are gonna be parents!

I won't lie that I've already started a kind of "mourning period" for my previous life. However, perhaps pregnancy is 9 months long for a reason, because I've had time to think, and it doesn't seem like such a bad thing to be giving certain things up anymore. I'm looking forward to new adventures as a family.

I know there'll be a fair amount of drudgery to parenthood. Luckily I'm married to a man who is very "domestic" and more than willing to do his bit (it may even be that in the future, I work full time whilst he drops hours to do most of the childcare).

BUT. It's worth mentioning that I reckon I'll be in the "one and done" camp.
I might change my mind in future but at present, I feel this may be my only child, due to personal as well as financial considerations.

It's hard being on the fence, OP. I hope you can make the right decision for you.

If there’s even a chance you may regret not having kids (or trying your best) then you owe it to yourself to ttc

Sorry, no, that's absolutely terrible advice.

Of course there's a chance she'll regret not having kids. Every single time you make a decision, big or small, there's a chance you will regret it. All you can do is make the decision that seems right to you at the time, rather than doing something irreversible and life-changing on the vague possibility that you might regret it at some unspecified time in the future.

Most parents your age don’t regret having kids and that’s kind of what you need to remember - you may regret not trying but it’s unlikely you’ll regret having them!

You very clearly have not read the thread. Lots of people have written to say they regret having children. However, I've not seen a single thread from someone who regrets having them. This isn't a scientific analysis of course, but to advise someone to take the most momentous step she is likely ever to take just because she might regret it is nonsensical.

@IcedPurple - the people posting they regret having kids - don’t believe it for a second. It’s very easily for fertile people to put on throwaway advice like this to strangers with fertility problems. But this is definitely not the advice they’d give to their own loved ones. Would you tell YOUR daughter to not have kids in case she regrets having them? Of course you wouldn’t.

@IcedPurple yeah, didn’t you know the only people who know their own mind are people who have kids and enjoy every second! People who don’t want them, or have them and regret them are lying/don’t know their own minds/will change their minds etc.

I had a really strong urge and need for babies. I was desperate for them. I love my children to bits but they are hard work. They bring a lot of joy but also stress and worry. If you’re indifferent, I’d think very carefully about whether you are ready for the sacrifices and lifestyle changes that children mean.

the people posting they regret having kids - don’t believe it for a second.

Why the hell not?

Regretting having kids is a pretty taboo thing to say, or even to admit to yourself. Why would someone simply make it up?

It’s very easily for fertile people to put on throwaway advice like this to strangers with fertility problems.

Sorry, but who's got fertility problems? Did I miss something?

Would you tell YOUR daughter to not have kids in case she regrets having them? Of course you wouldn’t.

I don't have a daughter. Or a son. As I've said, parenting sounds utterly grim to me, even though a few on this thread seem to think their lives are so enviable that anyone who doesn't want to be like them must be in deep, deep denial.

But if I did have a daughter, I would tell her to do what is right for her, not what society feels should be right for her. I certainly would not tell her to make an irreversible, utterly life-changing decision on the basis that she might regret it later. As I've said, every time we make a decision regret is a distinct possibility. But most of us don't live our lives that way.

yeah, didn’t you know the only people who know their own mind are people who have kids and enjoy every second! People who don’t want them, or have them and regret them are lying/don’t know their own minds/will change their minds etc.

Isn't it incredibly arrogant to believe that your lifestyle is so fantastic that anyone who doesn't want it is either lying or in denial? Personally, I don't see what's so great about being a parent. In fact, it all looks pretty shit to me.

Isn't it incredibly arrogant to believe that your lifestyle is so fantastic that anyone who doesn't want it is either lying or in denial?

Just a bit.

I always wanted children. At 24 I had a miscarriage, 25 I had our ds1 and at 28 (december) we lost a little boy (TFMR) due to a rare chromosomal problem (nothing either of us carry, just a very tiny percentage chance that everyone has)

I agree with a previous poster who said once you're down the rabbit hole you can't go back. Once you start trying, if it doesn't doesn't happen that may be hard to live with. If you make the choice, it may be different.
When we just has our ds1 I felt we could stop if we wanted but we did want another child. Now I've lost a child but don't feel able to try for another as its thrown my mental health off and we have a lot of worries to consider on the chromosomal side of things.

Sorry for the big ramble, but my point is. You never know what will be thrown at you so try and be sure in your decision.

I think you might regret not having children but are unlikely to regret having them. It can be tough when they are small but as they get older you get your freedoms back slowly.
You can raise your child anyway you like and if you are honest with them and have set rules and boundaries then they grow up fine

Would you tell YOUR daughter to not have kids in case she regrets having them?

I'd tell her the truth and to think VERY carefully.

If I could rewind time I honestly don't know if I'd have children, knowing what I know now.

My entire life revolves around them. I can't work. I spend every day of my life doing housework, cooking and stuff for them.

I don't do a thing for myself really. I have no hobbies and virtually no social life.

I think you might regret not having children but are unlikely to regret having them.

Another one who clearly hasn't read the thread... or has convinced herself that those who do regret having kids are liars.

You can raise your child anyway you like and if you are honest with them and have set rules and boundaries then they grow up fine

A lot of children don't grow up 'fine' though, even if their parents did everything 'right'. Surprise surprise children are their own people and parents can't control how they will turn out as adults.

I was never 100% certain either way what I wanted. Was never someone who had a deep longing to be a mum, but always felt as though I would regret not having children later in life.

I knew my partner years before we became a couple and already knew that all he’d ever wanted was to be a dad and have a family, so knew he was keen to get trying as soon as I gave him the word!

We went back and forth on it for a while but in the end it came down to me realising I wanted HIS baby, I wanted to create a life with the person I love the most. Perhaps an overly romantic way of looking at it, but I’m so happy we did.

She’s 8 months old now and bloody wonderful. Like pp have said, I will acknowledge we’ve been blessed with a very happy baby (bar some stomach problems in the early months), so I’m sure that colours my advice, but it’s not as hard as I thought it would be. I know that’s very individual, we’re incredibly lucky to have a healthy baby, and I’m obviously a very new mum in the grand scheme, but I think so many people give what I’m sure they think is helpful advice that actually just creates unnecessary fear (you’ll never sleep, it’s 10 times harder to leave the house, you won’t get a second to yourself, you’ll stop feeling like a couple and become just mum and dad, etc).

Partly due to a difficult time we had a few months ago (depo injection made me absolutely batshit and very low), we’ve definitely had to find a new way of communicating more effectively, and our priorities have obviously shifted, but we have made sure from very early on that we still make time to be ‘us’ as well as parents, and she brings us such joy. I love him so much more now he’s a father.

Yes sometimes I want to be able to have a poo and a shower without feeling as though I’m needed or have something else I should be doing, yes it’s harder to keep the house tidy, yes we’re not as financially comfortable as we were, but she makes us so happy that the things I was worried I would miss just don’t matter as much as I thought they would now.

That’s all really to say that I think it depends so much on your personal circumstances that it’s hard to advise. We’re lucky that we have family to babysit so we can still do things together, go away, have dinner out every now and again, and whilst we do still go out individually with friends, I don’t think either of us misses the freedom of being able to do that at the drop of a hat, though maybe that’s just down to our personalities.

I’m younger than you are so perhaps had more time to make the decision, but having been unsure myself, I can say it was 100% worth it for me.

I was ambivalent, DH definitely did want kids, so i said i would try, but if i didn't get pregnant then i wouldn't do ivf as i think you really need to want a baby to go through that.

I secretly thought id be too old (at 38) but no, i, got pregnant. Baby was easy so agreed to a 2nd (who was a much harder baby)

The whole thing has been really difficult. Much harder, more draining and soul destroying thab i thought. There are good bits, but overall, it's fine not to have kids. I don't know what i would advise my younger self to do. Probably not have them if i am really honest, though i don't regret them.

@IcedPurple it is very arrogant and also annoying when childfree people are happy for their friends/family/whoever when they become parents and in return are lectured/pitied/told they’re wrong and will regret it.

Some people are just not very good at understanding that not everyone is like them.

I just realized a huge reason why I resent motherhood at some points is because it’s a huge lifestyle change for me since I’m a SAHM for few years due to huge amounts of seperation anxiety.. I had a fulfilling successful career before and I don’t get the same gratification from the tedious work of early childhood.

However I do feel this will probably change when DC are in school and I’m back to work. I’m choosing to spend this time to get to know them as little people so when I’m back to work I can be efficient at parenting with little hours left in the day.

I expected to hate that part of I’m honest. So In the long run, this doesn’t define parenting for me completely. I’m sure there will be nicer parts in the near future hopefully.

So OP, I do think it all depends on your support network and parenting style you choose. I’m a bit of an extreme earth mama, as that’s the only way I feel like I’m doing a job I can feel proud of. But if you are a practical parenting person, it might not actually be as horrrible at the start.

Kids did bring joy to our relationship, for me. But again that relied on me not minding being the compromising parent because DH wanted to be the practical parent if it makes sense. And I’m just not as practical I like to go into something full on. Breastfeed till I drop. No TV. Organic food. No sleep training... bla bla. Which does require you to switch off everything else in life. This isn’t something DH would’ve preferred and neither would he have liked me leaving my job so I had to relax my expectations of him to cooperate in my ridiculous standards but he does try his best . Which I think is fair. Which is demoralising.

I’m fully aware it’s a choice I made, and I was aware I was going to find it hard. But to me it’s a phase until the child reaches an age where they can do certain things by themselves and express themselves and then I will relax a bit and become practical.

Basically what I’m trying to say is, you could think of a way to make it less demanding of you and your life and see if your DH agrees. In which case it wouldn’t be too taxing at the start.

But my DS is very pleasant. Demanding as I’m a helicopter parent but quite pleasant. So not sure how this applies to kids who are genuinely grumpy.

But in essence I don’t believe your life SHOULD revolve around your child throughout their life. I’m more of a person that believes that you invest a lot in the beginning and then can relax a bit and become a team. Which I’m hoping will mean more enjoyment, and back to normality and hobbies for me.

I was never maternal but had my DD at 37. She has brought so much joy into my life, I had also done a lot of travelling and went out a lot. This can still continue if you have the means, they don’t stay little for very long at all. My DD is now 14 and we have the best relationship.
I would say go for it

@Fatasfooook, lots and lots of women (and men) regret having children. Certainly I have had more than a few tell me that over the years.

On the other hand none of the many women and men who chose to stay childfree have ever said they regretted their decision, quite the opposite in fact.

Anyway surely it is far better to regret not having a child than having one?

Of course there are parents happy with their choice but don't try and make out that all parents are wonderfully happy because they certainly are not

I’ve felt the need to check occasionally if I was absolutely, totally certain I didn’t want kids. But when I tell myself what I’m missing out on, the only response I can ever dig up, right from the bottom of my heart, is Yes. Thank fuck.