To be a parent or remain childfree?

[MiddleLane]

I'll try and cover this as briefly as possible!

I'm 35. DH is 40. We are financially comfortable and very happy together. I admit I love my clean, tidy house and ability to please myself. We have lovely holidays and can be spontaneous with cinema/restaurants/day trips/weekends away. Life is peaceful and I love my hobbies.

I have zero experience with children. No neices/nephew's or anything, so I've been unable to foster any meaningful relationships with kids. Perhaps because of this I find all kids rather intimidating!

I don't actively dislike children at all (though lots in supermarkets tend to be loud and unruly!) but I've never thought 'I must be a mum'.

Since I turned 30 I've tried to decide whether to try for DC or not. My DH is on the same fence; happy to try, happy to not try. Neither of us feel broody.

I suppose right now I'm happy with how things are, but I do feel sad at the idea of never having a family. I think about Christmas and the future and perhaps all the romanticised ideas of family life.

I realise you have to sacrifice a hell of a lot to bring DC up. Once you've had them I'm sure it must feel like you'd never be without them; but would you say your life is much improved with your DC? I worry about the world and our society too, the stress of growing up in our social media climate worries me as does the impact of more children on the environment.

Yet...I don't want to regret not having kids.

What tipped the scales for you into deciding to have DC, or deciding to remain childfree?

One last bit of info that's quite important; I know I do qualify/would need IVF due to a medical condition, it would be unlikely but not impossible to fall pregnant naturally. So deciding to try would mean the added stress of facing potential infertility.

It seems sensible to think 'Well it may not happen, so if I'm on the fence, then why try?'. But this nagging idea of regret still gnaws at me.

Sorry for the length of the post

...It's still none of your business though! Why would you ever think you had a right to impose your unasked-for, unwanted viewpoint on another person's reproductive choices?

There is zero need for you to stickybeak into anyone's decision with your worldly wisdom about what you think they might do. Just have some respect.

I can't believe no-one has come along yet to ask what those without children on this thread (of which I am one) are doing on a site called MUMSnet!

Oh, I'm sure they'll be along at some point.

I didn't want kids in my 20s, didn't want them in my 30s, still don't want them in my mid-40s.

Yeah but Empress, you still don't really know. After all, you haven't actually done anything to prove it to other people, have you. Wait till a random stranger gives you the benefit of their opinion and you'll probably realise your mistake.

(Although if you have reached menopause, you might get given the benefit of the doubt, along with a "poor thing, missed out" head tilt.)

Plenty of men brag about how much they hate children and then, whaddya know, they’ve got children they (say they) adore with their decades younger wife. It’s kind of a Mumsnet stereotype at this point

Plenty ? Very few women are with a man decades older than them. That’s a rich celebrity stereotype.

Yeah but Empress, you still don't really know. After all, you haven't actually done anything to prove it to other people, have you. Wait till a random stranger gives you the benefit of their opinion and you'll probably realise your mistake.

And then I'll have to search frantically for a sperm donor before I hit perimenopause.

@MangoFeverDream Wonderful. I still only take it seriously when they are nearing menopause and very happy with the decision. People are fickle creatures

I think the same of people who have children. I only take their decision seriously when they’ve died and not once admitted they bitterly regretted it!

Human behavior is something to point out and laugh about. You don’t have to justify your decisions to me, but I can make my own mind up about it.

Would you consider it reasonable if I pointed & laughed at girls & young women who said they wanted kids, because I was sure they'd come round to my way of thinking?

I agree, stay child free. Parenting isn't what I thought it would be and I worry every day that I'm not cut out to be the parent my kids need me to be.

Would you consider it reasonable if I pointed & laughed at girls & young women who said they wanted kids, because I was sure they'd come round to my way of thinking?

Not at all! Too many women claim they’d “always wanted children” and then complain bitterly about them too. Like I said, humans behavior is unpredictable.

I never had the urge to have children and at 48 am relieved that that ship has probably sailed. If you don’t have a strong wish for children, probably better not to have them. The human race is not going to die out for lack of new members. And if you find you don’t like being a parent, you can’t undo the decision.

We don’t live an amazing CF life, btw - we’re not jetting round the world and live fairly modestly - just don’t want children and all that comes with having them.

Plenty ? Very few women are with a man decades older than them. That’s a rich celebrity stereotype

Okay the decades is an exaggeration. But the DH who didn’t want kids with first wife, suddenly has them with the second is definitely a trope on here.

It's still none of your business though! Why would you ever think you had a right to impose your unasked-for, unwanted viewpoint on another person's reproductive choices?

Opinions were being solicited on a public forum? Discussions were being had?

I know exactly what you mean and can only say that we did choose to have a child and no regrets so far! I know some people describe a burning need to have children, bit that wasn't us. We weighed it up and decided we were up for the challenge of such a great, lifelong endeavour. I'm not sure that's any more problematic than having a child purely because your hormones are screaming at you!

Maybe keep it to just one of you do decide to have children. It impacts less on your life than more and allows you to keep earning to a level that gives you a certain measure of freedom and choices if that's what you want.

I was always broody.. having my child made me feel whole like nothing else.. opened my heart in new ways. Let me learn about myself what I never knew... most surreal and true form of love.

But it’s also so bloody hard I often feel like my life isn’t mine anymore.

I love love love love my child. Hate motherhood.

Plenty ? Very few women are with a man decades older than them. That’s a rich celebrity stereotype.

Tru dat. Look at statistics rather than MN, and you'll find only a pretty tiny % of women are with men decades older. Most couples are pretty close in age, usually under 5 years difference between the man and the woman.

Wonderful. I still only take it seriously when they are nearing menopause and very happy with the decision.

Not that I'm going out of my way to have you take me seriously or anything, but I'm likely near menopause and have not for one second regretted my decision to remain childfree. I see my friends with children and their lives look grim to me. I'm sure they don't see it that way themselves, but there's nothing about the childed lifestyle that appeals to me. Not one thing.

Plenty of men brag about how much they hate children and then, whaddya know, they’ve got children they (say they) adore with their decades younger wife. It’s kind of a Mumsnet stereotype at this point.

As mentioned above, the number of men with decades younger wives is pretty tiny. Most young women aren't interested in some geezer in his 40s or 50s.

Don't have kids, would be my advice. I love my two, but the heartache and stress far, far outweighs tiny slivers of joy I have experienced. My entire existence is now one of servitude, emotional and physical.

Raising children is a mindfuck of such epic proportions. I was wholly unprepared, and I was 36!

If you’re in any doubt at all OP just go and spend an hour in Morrison’s like I just did! I felt my ovaries shrivel up and die!

Lots of screaming children running wild and frazzled parents shouting at them to no avail!

@ShinyS1 Don't have kids, would be my advice. I love my two, but the heartache and stress far, far outweighs tiny slivers of joy I have experienced. My entire existence is now one of servitude, emotional and physical. Raising children is a mindfuck of such epic proportions. I was wholly unprepared, and I was 36!

I have so much respect for parents who are honest about the downsides as so many people sugarcoat over it.

If you’re in any doubt at all OP just go and spend an hour in Morrison’s like I just did! I felt my ovaries shrivel up and die!

Hilariously brilliant and too bloody true!

I'm 38 and pregnant by a donor. Luckily, I managed to fall pregnant before the situation with the Danish sperm bank I used changed and they were no longer able to spend straws to personal addresses. I wanted to go through them as they have the whole legal situation sewn up, but having to go to a fertility clinic from where I live would take a lot of time, as well as money.

I didn't think I ever would be a mother, but DP (who already has kids and had a vasectomy many years ago) realised how much I wanted them and came up with this idea. I'm so pleased he did. I would have hated to not have the chance. Saying that, give me six months and I may be saying something completely different!

I love my son dearly but parenting is very overrated. Unless you’re desperate I wouldn’t bother. Once that baby’s here there’s no going back. Ignore people’s social media posts of ‘love my kids’, ‘living our best life’ and all that shite. It’s a facade.

I could happily have gone without but partner was keen.

I think childless couples are the sensible ones!

I was on the fence like you (although I actually quite disliked kids including ones I was related to) then I got pregnant by accident and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Love my DS and love other kids too.

Not a very helpful story because I just think it shows that it’s impossible to know how you’ll be until you have kids!

99% of motherhood is wiping things...sticky hands, grubby faces, noses, bums, kitchen surfaces, highchairs, floors etc etc

So much wiping.

If you'd enjoy that op, go for it

I think ultimately there's no way to know how you would enjoy being a parent unless you do it. I wavered like you, no biological urge, only started TTC when it seemed like now or never (37). What swung it for us was probably curiosity as much as anything else (we wanted to know what it was like to create a life, to raise our own child), alongside a fear that we'd regret it in later life.

I got pg almost straight away, and from the first time I heard the tiny heartbeat, something changed in me. When my DS was born I discovered a new side of myself (quite a surprise when you're almost 40!). I've loved being a mother and can honestly say for me the positives (love and joy every day) outweigh the negatives a dozen times over. But I never would have guessed it before. So it's a gamble.

Some things that have helped me for sure:

• we'd done a LOT of travelling, eating out, pleasing ourselves and were getting a bit jaded (when you start thinking this 5 star hotel is pretty nice but not as good as the one in HK/ New York/ Tokyo ... )
• DH and I split all the childcare pretty much 50/50 and we have a cleaner to do most of the housework and tidying - so that removes a lot of the drudgery issue
• We both have good careers and continued in them (I went back to work full time when DS was one), so money's not an issue either.

It's worth thinking over the practicalities but in the end ... is it a gamble you want to take?!