To be a parent or remain childfree?

[MiddleLane]

I'll try and cover this as briefly as possible!

I'm 35. DH is 40. We are financially comfortable and very happy together. I admit I love my clean, tidy house and ability to please myself. We have lovely holidays and can be spontaneous with cinema/restaurants/day trips/weekends away. Life is peaceful and I love my hobbies.

I have zero experience with children. No neices/nephew's or anything, so I've been unable to foster any meaningful relationships with kids. Perhaps because of this I find all kids rather intimidating!

I don't actively dislike children at all (though lots in supermarkets tend to be loud and unruly!) but I've never thought 'I must be a mum'.

Since I turned 30 I've tried to decide whether to try for DC or not. My DH is on the same fence; happy to try, happy to not try. Neither of us feel broody.

I suppose right now I'm happy with how things are, but I do feel sad at the idea of never having a family. I think about Christmas and the future and perhaps all the romanticised ideas of family life.

I realise you have to sacrifice a hell of a lot to bring DC up. Once you've had them I'm sure it must feel like you'd never be without them; but would you say your life is much improved with your DC? I worry about the world and our society too, the stress of growing up in our social media climate worries me as does the impact of more children on the environment.

Yet...I don't want to regret not having kids.

What tipped the scales for you into deciding to have DC, or deciding to remain childfree?

One last bit of info that's quite important; I know I do qualify/would need IVF due to a medical condition, it would be unlikely but not impossible to fall pregnant naturally. So deciding to try would mean the added stress of facing potential infertility.

It seems sensible to think 'Well it may not happen, so if I'm on the fence, then why try?'. But this nagging idea of regret still gnaws at me.

Sorry for the length of the post

*No, don't think you should go for it. I think that phase of life has passed for you and you should just keep your life as is.

If you were 28/29/30 and newly married, really wanted kids, had a big group of friends who were also starting to have families and didn't have any medical issues I would say go for it. In that situation having kids is a blast because your all in it together and can do baby groups, play dates, socialise on the weekends, go camping, trips, etc. Your families all grow up together and it's natural. But at your age you might not enjoy baby groups/parents nights etc., with a bunch of ppl 10+ years younger. You might feel very isolated and exhausted and your whole life would be upside down.*

I can’t believe that someone has just written this.....what a narrow and inaccurate view of motherhood! My experience of motherhood, including groups/NCT classes was that most other couples were in their mid-late 30s. Conversely, it always seemed that those in their 20s looked to be having a tougher to me with motherhood and didn’t enjoy doing the ‘toddler groups’

I'm so glad there are other people who struggle with this dilemma!

I have never had any particular urge, and yet am going through IVF currently! The things that tipped it for me were: 1. my husband desperately wants to be a father; 2. my nephews and nieces have changed the way I think about children, and they are only related to me not my own (on the flip side of that, I only see them in small doses); 3. the IVF might not work anyway but if it is going to work it will work better now than at any time in the future; 4. I don't want to regret it and there will never be a good time to do it bearing in mind how much I like my existing life and value my independence. None of these is a particularly good reason on its own, but on balance I think it adds up to a decision to give it a go and see if it happens for us.

Like other posters, I like the idea of adult children much more than young ones.

I'm relieved there are a few of us out there who are really ambivalent but giving it a try anyway - perhaps we need our own thread?

I don't quite understand people saying if you don't have an urge then don't have a child. I am sure plenty of people had an urge but didn't enjoy being a mother whilst others had no major urge and really enjoyed it. Until you have a child it is a gamble urge or no urge. I just don't get the correlation between the two and don't think OP should be told not to have a child for this reason alone. Having a child completely changes your life as they always have to come first. if you are happy for your life to change then go for it but if you want everything to stay the same then I would say don't do it. I didn't have a major urge and absolutely love being a mother. My friend also wasn't sure and as a result had her baby quite late and loves it too as did another friend. In fact the only friend who doesn't seem to enjoy it is the same friend who always had an urge and was telling us we may not like being mothers because we don't have the urge.

Also, XXcstatic plenty of people openly acknowledge to their friends they’re glad they remained childfree. Why would that be a taboo?

It's not. But it's a massive taboo to admit that you regret having children. I was responding to a PP saying that she had never met anyone IRL who expressed regret at having a child, but that's not surprising, given the social stigma. Threads like this, where people are anonymous, tell a different story: most people don't regret parenthood, of course, but some do.

I wanted kids in my 20’s, and ttc. As the years went by, I started to feel I didn’t want them, I think becuase I knew I needed ivf and was terrified of having it. Anyway, we did ivf, and now have 18 month old twins.

Being a mum is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I can no longer think of myself first, my brain is all about the babies, what they need now, what they need next, are they doing ok, what about the future, etc etc. It’s hard work and pretty relentless. On the flip side, they are the most fascinating little people I’ve ever met, and every little achievement is amazing and I am so in love with them it’s ridiculous.

My world is greatly improved by having them, and I can’t even really explain why, because on paper kids don’t bring much to the table when you write out the pros and cons I don’t think! But the joy and magic they bring to my life is priceless to me, and I’m so thankful I’m theirs, and they’re mine.

How ridiculous to have children because you want grandchildren. What if your children don't want children of their own?

Exactly!! If that’s the reason you’re having kids then you won’t have a good relationship with them as kids, then they won’t particularly want a relationship with you as adults.

My parents were basically like that and I barely have a relationship with either of them because my childhood wasn’t exactly happy. Only have kids if you desperately want them.

But at your age you might not enjoy baby groups/parents nights etc., with a bunch of ppl 10+ years younger. You might feel very isolated and exhausted and your whole life would be upside down

You do realise statistically more women aged 35-40 have kids than 20-25, so surely going by your logic the younger ones would feel isolated?

If you were 28/29/30 and newly married, really wanted kids, had a big group of friends who were also starting to have families and didn't have any medical issues I would say go for it. In that situation having kids is a blast because your all in it together and can do baby groups, play dates, socialise on the weekends, go camping, trips, etc. Your families all grow up together and it's natural. But at your age you might not enjoy baby groups/parents nights etc., with a bunch of ppl 10+ years younger. You might feel very isolated and exhausted and your whole life would be upside down.

This is well off the mark! I had my son when I was just 34. Most of the people I met in paying groups were a similar age to me (met a few younger mums at rhyme times and free play groups). I made loads of friends my own age as well. I did have friends with kids but not many nearby and made a solid group of friends anyway. I don't think it is about the social side; it's just more that it's a challenge raising kids and if it's not something you're that bothered about then I'm not sure you'd have anything to get you through the hurdles. That said you might love it, very difficult to predict!

You could always stop preventing and just see what happens. If you start to feel disappointed when your period arrives then that might be the time to go down the IVF route. If you feel relief then maybe it's time for your DH to get the snip

Dear OP,

Don’t do it.

Regards,
Mum of two year old

You could always stop preventing and just see what happens

Well a few times over the course of the marriage (10 years) we've got carried away in the heat of the moment and there's been the possibility of pregnancy.

When my period arrived it was an 'Oh okay.' No distinct sadness or relief at all.

Even when pregnancy was a remote possibility (very remote due to medical reasons I alluded to), seems I was still on the fence!

Honestly though OP, I would say if you’re not that bothered either way then don’t do it.

Someone suggested counselling to work through this which is a great idea.

I was like you OP. Although my husband was more keen to have children.

At first, it was like a bomb had gone off in my life. No structure. No just doing what I liked when I wanted too. No sleep. All the things I love! I also romanticised having children.

But for me, when things had settled down and I'd begun to get to grips with it all, I found I loved it. It's tiring as hell and my brain never stops but seeing my little one grow and smile and laugh is amazing.

It's also got my out of the house more as I was a hermit before. I do more now, and I'm surprised I'm generally happier and less serious.

My focus was my work before but I spread it between work days and my son's days and that works for me.

Only you can make the decision. You can live a fulfilling, happy life both with and without children. There is no right or wrong.

Best of luck with your decision x

I also had no experience of kids. I didn't want to regret having kids I had one and it's mind blowingly amazing having a second now. If you're on the fence I'd jump it's so rewarding and just goose pimply amazing

There is no right or wrong

Brilliant point. It's not a fork in the road, with one lane leading to happiness and the other to unhappiness. Both choices have pros and cons. Some people who have chosen either option have regrets, but most are happy with their choice, whichever it was.

OP this thread won’t help you lol. It’s 50% “I had kids, it’s awful, don’t do it” and 50% “I had kids and it’s the best thing ever!! So worth it”

You won’t know until you try. Do you have friends with kids? Could you take care of them just to see if you’d enjoy it? I’m in a similar position in that I don’t think I want kids but it’s not something you’ll know if you like till you have them 🤷‍♀️

I was like you I think. Very happy, quite affluent and content. We weren’t sure but took the plunge. I actually did regret it for about the first 9 months and had terrible PND.

However I now love love having a four year old. He’s the apple of my eye and I’m glad we did it. I had fear of missing out about it - it just seemed a big thing not to experience. I’m not sure that’s a good reason really I’m just being honest!

**PianoThirty wrote...

Have just one to start with! Just one child won't change your life that much; you can take turns looking after the child, you can still go to nice restaurants, nice holidays, etc.

Making the leap to 2+ children is a far bigger game-changer, IMHO.*

Yes! We stuck with one and haven't regretted it, or at least no longer regret it. Like you OP we were very much undecided and were stuck renting rubbish places then in my late 30s my hormones went into overdrive and after sort of half-heartedly ttc and 2 mcs later we had DS when i was 41! I was totally floored as i didn't even realise for the first 12 wks that i was preg and i had panic attacks when we found out! He is five now and the light of our lives. As like you, we couldn't decide one way or another and our situation was hardly ideal we just went by the philosophy if it happens it happens, if it doesn't well that's life. Now i can't believe i ever didn't want any. But i will say it's been bloody hard. We have no family support and have only just got our own house after years of renting.
So like others say, no one can decide for you but i'd say i'm glad we did it. We will only have one. More people should do the same imo.
Good luck x

You'd be crazy to do it. So many people regret having children (way more than admit it!), even ones who desperately wanted them.

The big decision is hard. One data pint though: Christmas with kids can be an absolute nightmare! Sooo stressful.

I was like you. No strong feelings either way but felt that I didn’t want to get to 50 and regret not having a family.

DH was the same so we half heartedly started trying for a baby and fell pregnant straight away, which was a bit of a shock (I was 33 he was 39 and we’d been together 8 years so comfortable being a unit of two with busy careers.

I found the baby and toddlers years tough. Like you say loads of drudgery and boredom and endless clock watching til bedtime. A few tunes I wondered what we had done to ourselves. I probably had PND in hindsight.

Then once the eldest started school and we stated to be able to have proper conversations and do fun stuff (like ten pin bowling, days out, family meals etc) it just clicked and I started to love it.

They are 7 and 10 and I can honestly say it’s been a blast. I look at my older sisters who both decided not to have children- now in late 40s/early 50s and feel like they are missing out.

They do have designer handbags and nice holidays but for me (and this is not a judgement on child free couples) it feels a bit like their life is about buying stuff. And it would make me a bit sad if it were me.

So not sure if helpful. The early years are tough but it feels worth it in the end

look at my older sisters who both decided not to have children- now in late 40s/early 50s and feel like they are missing out. They do have designer handbags and nice holidays but for me (and this is not a judgement on child free couples) it feels a bit like their life is about buying stuff. And it would make me a bit sad if it were me

It is possible to lead a non-materialistic childfree life, you know. And, conversely, some of the parents I know are absurdly materialistic. The Kardashians have kids, the Dalai Lama doesn't.. I know you say you're not making a judgement about CF people generally but, in that case, why mention your sisters at all?

You know your sisters - perhaps they are materialistic individuals- but it doesn't tell you anything about CF people as a whole. Statistically, there are high numbers of CF people in teaching, for example - not really the perfect career choice for someone who is bling-focused.

I think this thread has been really good over all at avoiding cliched stereotypes about people with kids or CF people, so let's not start now. I don't know anyone who has chosen to be CF to buy more handbags, or to go on more holidays (though the latter is definitely a fringe benefit ). Surely the important thing is that everyone makes the choice that's best for them?

I’m very happily child free by choice. I always knew I didn’t want to have kids, right from my early 20s. I wasn’t particularly keen on children even when I was one myself, and I have never had any maternal instinct whatsoever. For me, it was definitely the right choice and I have absolutely no regrets.

From the perspective of a child free by choice person, I would say that unless you are completely sure that you want kids, and you know what you are getting yourself into, and you are prepared to have your life turned upside down, and you are prepared to take the risk of significant damage to your body, don’t do it because if you decide that you have made a catastrophic mistake, you can’t just send them back....

I feel for you OP, it's a bloody hard decision. Being a parent is one of the the hardest thing in the world, but it's also one of the best. The highest of highs but the most crushing lows, you really at tested to your limit at times. I have a 2 year old DD. She's the best thing that ever happened, but parenting is tough and it has put such a strain of my marriage and I often miss the freedom we used to have, and the money (which now all goes on childcare)! You'll never be 'ready' to be a parent, but if you're unsure, I really wouldn't bother.