To be a parent or remain childfree?

[MiddleLane]

I'll try and cover this as briefly as possible!

I'm 35. DH is 40. We are financially comfortable and very happy together. I admit I love my clean, tidy house and ability to please myself. We have lovely holidays and can be spontaneous with cinema/restaurants/day trips/weekends away. Life is peaceful and I love my hobbies.

I have zero experience with children. No neices/nephew's or anything, so I've been unable to foster any meaningful relationships with kids. Perhaps because of this I find all kids rather intimidating!

I don't actively dislike children at all (though lots in supermarkets tend to be loud and unruly!) but I've never thought 'I must be a mum'.

Since I turned 30 I've tried to decide whether to try for DC or not. My DH is on the same fence; happy to try, happy to not try. Neither of us feel broody.

I suppose right now I'm happy with how things are, but I do feel sad at the idea of never having a family. I think about Christmas and the future and perhaps all the romanticised ideas of family life.

I realise you have to sacrifice a hell of a lot to bring DC up. Once you've had them I'm sure it must feel like you'd never be without them; but would you say your life is much improved with your DC? I worry about the world and our society too, the stress of growing up in our social media climate worries me as does the impact of more children on the environment.

Yet...I don't want to regret not having kids.

What tipped the scales for you into deciding to have DC, or deciding to remain childfree?

One last bit of info that's quite important; I know I do qualify/would need IVF due to a medical condition, it would be unlikely but not impossible to fall pregnant naturally. So deciding to try would mean the added stress of facing potential infertility.

It seems sensible to think 'Well it may not happen, so if I'm on the fence, then why try?'. But this nagging idea of regret still gnaws at me.

Sorry for the length of the post

I've always figured "I'd rather regret not having a child than regret having a child".

Also I have nephews and although I love them to bits I'm not sorry to hand them back to their parents at the end of the day.

I'd stay blissfully and contentedly child free in your situation. I don't believe the almighty upheaval, stress, guilt, worry, financial impact, mess, noise, mental and physical and environmental toll of having children is worth it. It's ruined me in many ways and I have never felt so trapped and unhappy. I totally lost myself along the way.

We are all different. Some of us don't want children - and that's fine

I am mid 40s, have never had a pregnancy scare when younger and at whatever (unknown) peak-fertility level I had; my ex had had the snip and I STILL had a Mirena fitted, such was my firmness of belief in not wanting a baby.

I love my niblings very much and have done the obligatory holding friend's babies and feel happy they are all happy with tier lives. But I give them back as easily as if I'd borrowed their biro for a minute.

From what you've said...I wouldn't.
I actually was pretty keen to have kids, now I'm 37 weeks and the realisation if my whole life changing is haunting to me.
I'm worried tbh.

Definitely don't do it unless you're 100%

Coincidentally just saw this on FB.

Technically amazing pic of the Miracle of Conception - but made me feel a bit ill looking at it.
(I'm really not cut out for motherhood )

My DD has given me so much joy and fulfilment. There are no words to describe how utterly incredible she is.

If you're questioning whether or not to have a child however, I would urge you NOT to have a child. If having a child isn't something you feel you unquestionably need, don't do it. I think you'll regret it.

Not read all the thread.

If you could magically guarantee you would get healthy and happy kids then I'd say go for it but having kids is such a huge gamble. I don't think not being fussed about other people's kids or babies means anything - I've never liked other people babies much but I liked my own.
I don't know what I would do in your situation. I think I'd be tempted not to have any.

I don't think anyone can give you any helpful advice on Mumsnet. Maybe counselling would be a good idea.

No, don't think you should go for it. I think that phase of life has passed for you and you should just keep your life as is.

If you were 28/29/30 and newly married, really wanted kids, had a big group of friends who were also starting to have families and didn't have any medical issues I would say go for it. In that situation having kids is a blast because your all in it together and can do baby groups, play dates, socialise on the weekends, go camping, trips, etc. Your families all grow up together and it's natural. But at your age you might not enjoy baby groups/parents nights etc., with a bunch of ppl 10+ years younger. You might feel very isolated and exhausted and your whole life would be upside down.

But at your age you might not enjoy baby groups/parents nights etc., with a bunch of ppl 10+ years younger - depends on the demographic. Had my first at 34 and I was the youngest in our prenatal class.

Eh? She's 35, not 45! All the women in my antenatal group were between 32 and 39 And most of the mums at baby groups in our area are in their 30s. So that's a bit of a weird argument!

My life has improved since having children massively. But I wasn't content before. You sound pretty content. It's a difficult one and having kids is hard so in your situation I maybe wouldn't.

Don't do it unless you are 100%. I love my children more than the world, I would never ever change having them. But I do really bloody miss my old life and I also do not have the patience for this parenting lark!

I have to be honest though - while I have met people who perhaps felt like motherhood wasn't quite how they expected it to be, I have never met anyone who chose not to have a baby, and regretted that decision*

How would you know, though? It's not the sort of thing people admit, even to their best friend.

Thanks OP for posting as you’ve articulated some of my thoughts. I’m 32 and my friends are sprogging.

One or two seem utterly fulfilled by motherhood, and always came across as absolutely wanting kids no matter what. For them, it was the right decision.

There are some others who have had a kid and (for pretty obvious reasons) haven’t been all over social media with regret or wanting to send them back, but they come across as less happy, less themselves, and more constrained. They often sound as if they’re trying to convince themselves it was a good idea.

I’m still fence sitting but leaning more towards child-freedom. There are bits of parenting I’m drawn to but overall it’s not passing cost/benefit analysis.

really don't understand how it's a tricky dilemma if you don't actively want to have a child

This 100%.

Also, XXcstatic plenty of people openly acknowledge to their friends they’re glad they remained childfree. Why would that be a taboo?

its not passing cost/benefit analysis

PLEASE don't have children. They're not a commodity/asset - you can't think of them with a cost/benefit analysis! They're a fundamental inate JOY!! Yes it's hard work but my god people need to stop thinking of children as material possessions

LoveB, think you took that slightly more literally than it was intended - I know children are people and not commodities. I just meant, as with all major life decisions, it’s good to look at the pros and cons - particularly so in this case as the result is a dependent human.

Maybe I should be guided by innate joy or whatnot but I’m autistic and my brain doesn’t work that way. I make decisions based on data.

I was you. Never had an urge to have children, and really enjoyed life without them, didn't really want to change things. Didn't either like or dislike being with other people's kids, even relatives.

We decided to give it a shot, and I was 50:50 about it being a good idea all through pregnancy. (One of the deciders was a senior colleague, who has had by all accounts the most incredible, fun, eventful, successful life, saying it was easily the best thing he'd ever done.)

Desipite it being hard, and all the things mentioned above, I'm so glad we did. Mostly for the FEELINGS. It feels amazing, I couldn't imagine feeling such love, excitement, fascination, pride before. Although it's hard work, I feel it's helped me as a person, it's given me a healthy dose of strength, resiliance and a good reality check.

I still don't care much about other people's children.

Really don't understand how it's a tricky dilemma if you don't actively want to have a child

Well, I actively don't mind! It's definitely a dilemma for me.

Thanks so much for the replies, again they're really helpful and it's comforting to know I'm not the only one with these thoughts.

I had children because I have always wanted to have them and truly couldn’t imagine a life without them. I have my career and had a life before them but I didn’t feel completely fulfilled without children.

You sound fulfilled without them tbh. I don’t think having children is something you should be on the fence about. You either have them because you have a strong desire to or you don’t bother and remain child free.

I'm personally of the opinion OP that you shouldn't have children unless you're sure you want them

If I’d listened to that advice, I’d never have had children. I never felt broody and was always ambivalent. Hated pregnancy too. But it has been a fantastic experience and something that has enriched my life.

But it’s nothing I can really explain. And if I’d never had children, I wouldn’t know what I was missing, either, so likely wouldn’t be sad over it iyswim

If you are feeling trapped at the idea of being pregnant, you will be mentally climbing the walls with a toddler!! Not a criticism btw, I have one (unplanned) dd who I love blah blah, but the thought of doing the baby/toddler/young child stage ever again horrifies me. I am enjoying it more now as she gets older, but young kids are not my idea of a good time.

I was the same, but we took the plunge and I've never been happier, but everyone is different. I was quite fortunate to land a well paid job after university, and having grown up with limited money I took the chance to travel, buy the things I wanted and generally have an amazing, realitively care free time. It became boring though and as much as I sometimes miss the chance to be as spontaneous, there's still plenty of opportunities to go out with friends etc. At first I found the change overwhelming it and wondered daily if I had done the right thing; now being back at work I really feel I have the best of both worlds. I still feel like me, but just with a beautiful daughter who can be hard work and relentless, but who I adore. But it's not all smiley faces at Christmas and family holidays, like anything the reality doesn't always match the expectation- but this can work both ways, it can be better or worse.

Good luck in your decision, neither is a 'better' life, it's just you need to decide what you would like from yours. Personally I would go for it, but again, that's just based on my experience.

I wouldn't do it OP, especially as you are on the fence and you will also need fertility treatment, which brings its own issues. You sound as if you have a lovely life now, so why rock the boat?

I'm the same age as you and very happily child-free. Almost all of my college friends have had babies within the past two years and while I understand that they are in the thick of things right now, you could not pay me to take their place. Their careers have stalled/suffered, they have healthy babies (thank goodness), but the kids have picked up every germ going since entering into childcare and have subsequently infected their mum/dad. Add to that sleepless nights, no holidays or at least vastly different holidays from pre-DC, no time for themselves, etc etc.

I really wouldn't consider such an overwhelming life change unless you are adamant that you couldn't live without your own DC. And as Simon Cowell says, it's a no from me.

Childfree and very happy, but there is no ambivalence - always knew I didn't want children.

If we'd had them they would have been loved and cared for, but part of the issue for me was that it would have meant mixing with other people's children, playdates, parks, clubs etc and that would have driven me to distraction.

And I find small children incredibly boring.

And having children has put unimaginable strain, to breaking point in some cases, on the relationships of our nearest and dearest.

And I hate noise.

As someone upthread pointed out, the Kodak moments are few and far between, and you only have to read multiple threads on here to know that there's no point imagining what a life with children will look like because it will never turn out the way you imagine.

Just read the threads about fussy eaters, bullying, diva behaviour, and heartbreakingly, the threads about disability, SEN etc. and the lack of support.