To be a parent or remain childfree?

[MiddleLane]

I'll try and cover this as briefly as possible!

I'm 35. DH is 40. We are financially comfortable and very happy together. I admit I love my clean, tidy house and ability to please myself. We have lovely holidays and can be spontaneous with cinema/restaurants/day trips/weekends away. Life is peaceful and I love my hobbies.

I have zero experience with children. No neices/nephew's or anything, so I've been unable to foster any meaningful relationships with kids. Perhaps because of this I find all kids rather intimidating!

I don't actively dislike children at all (though lots in supermarkets tend to be loud and unruly!) but I've never thought 'I must be a mum'.

Since I turned 30 I've tried to decide whether to try for DC or not. My DH is on the same fence; happy to try, happy to not try. Neither of us feel broody.

I suppose right now I'm happy with how things are, but I do feel sad at the idea of never having a family. I think about Christmas and the future and perhaps all the romanticised ideas of family life.

I realise you have to sacrifice a hell of a lot to bring DC up. Once you've had them I'm sure it must feel like you'd never be without them; but would you say your life is much improved with your DC? I worry about the world and our society too, the stress of growing up in our social media climate worries me as does the impact of more children on the environment.

Yet...I don't want to regret not having kids.

What tipped the scales for you into deciding to have DC, or deciding to remain childfree?

One last bit of info that's quite important; I know I do qualify/would need IVF due to a medical condition, it would be unlikely but not impossible to fall pregnant naturally. So deciding to try would mean the added stress of facing potential infertility.

It seems sensible to think 'Well it may not happen, so if I'm on the fence, then why try?'. But this nagging idea of regret still gnaws at me.

Sorry for the length of the post

It’s 90% pulling your hair out 10 % pure joy.
adopting responsibly willingly is a very fulfilling experience, doing it unwillingly is horrible.

I look at my older sisters who both decided not to have children- now in late 40s/early 50s and feel like they are missing out

This is so patronising, you only have to read to see it’s not for everyone and a lot of people regret it.

I always knew I wanted children so it wasn't a decision I had to make. Children are the hardest job in the world. The most rewarding too but still the hardest. I'm not sure the rewards would be so high for people who didn't really have the desire to have them.

There is no shame in being childless. I know many couples who just don't have the desire to have children and that is right for them.

I was you, but I was you because i’m Gay and having children wasn’t going to be a given and was going to take some planning and active decision making!
DW was dubious. However we decided to try because I didn’t want to then around at 45 and regret not trying. We weren’t going to go down the IVF route, just try without much help. Long story short, pregnant immediately, followed by a sibling 2 years later.
Our life would have been great without kids, but our life with them is fantastic. No regrets, the joy and opportunities and friendships and experiences we have because of kids are immeasurable.
No one can decide but you, your life will be completely different to the one you have now, and will have own highs and lows but having children has been the most joyous experience of my life.

For me it’s a privilege seeing the world anew through my children’s eyes ( even if it is terrifying sometimes). Children are energy and optimism wrapped up in hope.

We had the same life, although I was younger. Lots of amazing holidays, did whatever we wanted, no experience with children. About a year after we got married, we thought ‘let’s just see what happens’, and I came off the pill. No massive desire to have children, but thought it was the next step and knew we’d want them one day.

We now have less holidays, less time for each other, less freedom, less money, less sleep... but still the best thing we ever did. Now have 2 DD and while we still have date nights, enjoy a drink together once they’re in bed etc (and I’m not the mumsyest mum), our life is so much better with them in it.

I couldn't not have children. It's always been a huge deal for me and my husband, even at 18/19 I was sure I wanted children although waited until I was almost 30. It's hard for anyone to answer your question - only you can.

Don't have them unless you really want them.
They take over your life, you live for them, they become your everything.
A life without them is just as valid and worthwhile.

It's all very well when your children are quite young saying how wonderful it all is and how you don't regret it for a second. Most of my friends who say they would choose not to have children if they could go back in time also thought it was all roses when their children were young.

As the children got older the parents seemed to become less and less happy and their marriages more and more unhappy.

Me and DH decided when we got married 40 years ago not to have children and have never ever regretted that decision. We feel sorry for most of our friends with children. You need to be asking people with children aged 20, 30, 40 or older just how happy they are with their decision to have children

I never wanted children. I remember being in my teens and deciding it just wasn't for me. Flash forward to being 23, married to a man who came from a massive family, and the pressure was on to have kids. So, along came DD1. 8 weeks later, we separated and later divorced. Move on another 3 years, still single, one night stand results in DD2 (no, I'm not proud). Father wants no contact so I become a single mum of 2. So, I never wanted children but from being pregnant with both of them, the overwhelming sense of motherhood kicks in, and I just know they were meant to be.

I've never since thought about not having kids until I was at a family party recently with my god parents. They were unable to have kids, went down the adoption line and were placed with a small child of whom they failed to bond with and was returned within 2 days. My god mother had such an overwhelming desire to be a mother that she hasn't realised they had to be HER biological children in order to love them. Anyway, at this party was my girls, and she adored them. I overheard her talking to my mum, how it's parties like these that remind her that not only is she not a mum, but a grandma. She was almost envious that my mum was at a time in her her life where she could not only enjoy her children, but her grandchildren too. It was upsetting to see/hear.

So I think you need to think about not only having children, but no grandchildren either. No one to enjoy later in life, no successes or achievements to be proud of and want to show off, no christmases full of chaos etc.

At 35 and not broody Id just lean into that and stay child free. Youd know if you wanted children. Its hard work. I love mine but its totally ruined my life. Wouldnt swap back now.

Christ it's so hard OP. I have two and always wanted children - complete biological urge, not having them simply wasn't an option. But I had no idea how hard I would find it. I too love a clean house, spontaneous travel, time alone with a book... this is not compatible with small children. Even though I love them and feel awful for thinking it, I hugely resent them "wrecking" my life sometimes.

In your position I wouldn't advise it but you could be a brilliant mum - that's the thing about having children, you literally can't know how you'll feel about it until you do it...quite the risk!

"So I think you need to think about not only having children, but no grandchildren either. No one to enjoy later in life, no successes or achievements to be proud of and want to show off, no christmases full of chaos etc"

Not to pick on the PP, but this is bullshit.

The OP isn't planning on living life as a hermit. Believe it or not, the childfree among you don't just shrivel up and become crazy cat ladies or whatever when they turn 40/50/60. Just because we don't have biological children doesn't mean that we cannot enjoy and celebrate the achievements and special events of nieces/nephews/etc.

Children are not a ticket to some magical happy-ever-after and there is absolutely no guarantee that any children you or the OP or other PPs have will have children themselves.

I wouldn't OP. They really do fuck your life. Not worth the gamble!!

I think a lot of parents of young kids fantasise about being grandparents, and having all the nice bits of parenting without the grind.

5 minutes on a MIL thread, or on Gransnet, will show you that reality can be quite different. Even if you get on well with your adult kids, they may live on the other side of the world, or not have any DC themselves. Or you may be at loggerheads with your DIL and rarely get to see the GC.

Anyone who has kids in the hope of becoming some Werther's Originals fantasy grandparent in 35 years is crazy.

This is an interesting thread. It seems like most of the posters who were ambivalent/on the fence ended up having kids.

I was also ambivalent but have decided to stay childfree. As someone said above, I think you have to "lean in" to your decision (whichever way it is) and make the most of it. I knew for me I would have regrets either way but I didn't want to mull over it for the rest of my life.

I found it really helpful to picture how I want my life to be in 5, 10, 20, 30 etc years. In my head, there were never kids present at any of the above timepoints. DH and I have such a comfortable life now and I just see no good reason to disrupt it.

I know that I am missing out on what COULD be an amazing experience, but I am happy to forsake that given there are no guarantees and I could equally hate it.

Good luck OP.

At the moment you have a nice home, holidays, decent jobs and are not short of money. You have not much experience of babies, small children and your not at I really want a baby and neither is your DH. If you have to have IVF to have a child it's not easy to go through. You have no guarantee that you will have a child with IVF. Then you have to consider how you would cope if you had a child with special needs which as you get older you have a higher chance of happening.
Perhaps you have fomo - a fear of missing out. You might be seeing your friends with kids but they might not be telling you the real story of what their lives with kids are like. I have seen couples cope with sick child and kids with special needs.
One of my friends has a son and when he was 14-16 he was horrible. He stopped working in school, he was nasty to his special needs sibling, was verbally abusive to his parents and ended up under the care of his local chams (child s health and mental services). He got help but his own mother nearly had a brake down dealing with him. He is doing well now but still has his moments.
I have seen people having kids because they were at that life stage, because there friends were having them or due to family pressure.
None of those are a good reason to have a child. Don't have a child unless you really want one because even the strongest relationship can suffer when a baby is added to the mix.

This is an interesting thread. It seems like most of the posters who were ambivalent/on the fence ended up having kids

That's not surprising considering the forum we are on.

The ambivilant/on the fence people who didn't end up having kids are not as likely to hang out on Mumsnet than the ones that had kids.

@Ilady.. Thank you for explaining what FOMO stands for. It was mentioned a few times up thread and i had no idea what it meant!

I am 38, childfree and intend to stay that way.

I love my nieces and really enjoy having an active role in their care (they stay over at mine one night a week and I often take them out at the weekend) but I am happy I don't have to do it full time. It's not for me.

However, I was at our local bouldering wall last week and there was a family there - mum, dad and two daughters about 7 and 9. They were all excellent climbers and climbing together and enjoying themselves. The kids were clearly also into their parents' hobby. For the first time I thought - if I could guarantee that, then maybe having kids wouldn't be too bad.

But I know that's just a snapshot and the reality is also lots of drudgery, hard work and also the early years to get to that point.

I think it is better to regret not having children than to regret having them.

Making the leap to 2+ children is a far bigger game-changer

No, being a parent or not being a parent was far far bigger change for me. Once you are, adding the second was a very tiny adjustment compared to 1st.

I was exactly the same as you, loved my life the way it was but trying to decide if I had room for a child. Then I got pregnant and unfortunately had an ruptured ectopic pregnancy which I found very traumatic. I was so sad about the pregnacy ending but a bit scared to try again. We started trying a year later but nothing happened so we ended up doing IVF, which is hard going but doable, I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant and really happy but still worrying as I have no idea how to look after a baby!

I think what got me to decide was the sadness of loosing a baby, the sense of time running out and frankly hormones! Most people are driven to have children by their hormones.

We can give you all of the advice you want, but deep down you already know the answer. Good luck OP x