To be a parent or remain childfree?

[MiddleLane]

I'll try and cover this as briefly as possible!

I'm 35. DH is 40. We are financially comfortable and very happy together. I admit I love my clean, tidy house and ability to please myself. We have lovely holidays and can be spontaneous with cinema/restaurants/day trips/weekends away. Life is peaceful and I love my hobbies.

I have zero experience with children. No neices/nephew's or anything, so I've been unable to foster any meaningful relationships with kids. Perhaps because of this I find all kids rather intimidating!

I don't actively dislike children at all (though lots in supermarkets tend to be loud and unruly!) but I've never thought 'I must be a mum'.

Since I turned 30 I've tried to decide whether to try for DC or not. My DH is on the same fence; happy to try, happy to not try. Neither of us feel broody.

I suppose right now I'm happy with how things are, but I do feel sad at the idea of never having a family. I think about Christmas and the future and perhaps all the romanticised ideas of family life.

I realise you have to sacrifice a hell of a lot to bring DC up. Once you've had them I'm sure it must feel like you'd never be without them; but would you say your life is much improved with your DC? I worry about the world and our society too, the stress of growing up in our social media climate worries me as does the impact of more children on the environment.

Yet...I don't want to regret not having kids.

What tipped the scales for you into deciding to have DC, or deciding to remain childfree?

One last bit of info that's quite important; I know I do qualify/would need IVF due to a medical condition, it would be unlikely but not impossible to fall pregnant naturally. So deciding to try would mean the added stress of facing potential infertility.

It seems sensible to think 'Well it may not happen, so if I'm on the fence, then why try?'. But this nagging idea of regret still gnaws at me.

Sorry for the length of the post

It sounds to me like it's FOMO that's driving you and I'm not sure that is a good enough reason on its own.

@Liverbird77 I didn't imply that your life would turn out badly - merely that you have no idea what you're talking about yet. I could've written your post when my first DC was 7 months old, because he was an easy baby, but 10 years later life is a lot more complicated. Those lovely road trips you so enjoy (I used to enjoy those too, pre-DC), will be significantly harder and more expensive when you have to do them in school holidays and once you've got two or three DC to pay for. And it's not the same being a teacher as it is being a DP, even if you teach SEN DC.

@zafferana we've always taken trips in school holiday time because I was a teacher until recently.
We will only be having one more child at most. We wouldn't have more than we could afford to educate, support and have a nice life with, including holidays.
We won't have any financial issues whatsoever.
As for the rest of it, I accept that life can become more complicated for some people.
I was just trying to encourage the OP. Everyone has a different experience.
When I was pregnant, I had to listen to all the crap about getting sleep now because you'll never sleep again, how a newborn strains a marriage, how expensive it all is, how we would never go out again, how the baby's stuff would take over, how I would be isolated etc etc. None of that's happened. Maybe it has for other people, I don't know. Your experience isn't my experience so you can't say how difficult or otherwise it will be.
I just wanted to give the OP a positive story.

the balance is interesting

I have a couple of friends who have bitterly regretted it and it must be so terrible. It's hard to even see how unhappy they are, so imagine being them! One wasn't keen and stupidly got talked into it, another had this imagined "regret" thing.

I really appreciate the replies and those sharing their personal circumstances. It really does help a great deal reading them through.

I feel unready but rushed into a decision because of my age. I wish I could switch off to thinking about it for another few years; but realistically with my known medical issue combined with my age, that's a luxury I can't take.

I completely see the rationale behind 'if you're not 100% then don't do it' - if that's the case, the decision has already been made.

A PP asked how I'd feel if I suddenly found out I was pregnant - I can only imagine but I think I would feel equally excited yet a little bit trapped.

On the other hand there are parents who always knew they wanted kids, who hate it and are shit at it, and parents who weren't sure or didn't want them and accidentally got pregnant who absolutely love it. Its unfortunately one of those things it's really hard to know what you're going to be like as a parent

I agree. And so I don’t agree with the line of “don’t do it unless you’re 100% sure”. You can’t be; it’s an experience like no other and I think it’s impossible to know how you’ll feel ex ante. I never liked other people’s kids; never held a baby until I had one....but my children are the most fantastic thing to ever happen to me. I also know one lady who was desperate for children who, in her most honest moments, admits she probably regrets having hers. It’s always a leap of faith.

I decided very young that I didn't want them. I never changed my mind and have never regretted it - not even for a second. In fact rarely a day goes by (particularly when reading MN) that I don't feel thankful that I made that decision.

If you're happy now then why risk it?

I am happily child-free and went through much of the same thought process in my thirties as you, OP. I am 45 now and haven't once regretted my decision, indeed, I feel a great sense of relief that I so diligently took my birth control all those years!

I am of the thinking that unless your life is somehow lacking and would be better having children in it, it seems a bit pointless putting yourself through a lot of stress for something you aren't even sure you want. My own conclusion was that my life was/is fulfilled and I was/am very happy and that I didn't want to risk what was and is a great life (and marriage!) for something I wasn't yearning for. I certainly don't feel that I have missed out on anything (apart from 18+ of stress and drudgery!)

In a nutshell, don't have children to somehow comply with societal norms or because of FOMO!

I love my DC but they have been horrific for my mental and physical health.

I agree with the leap of faith thing, you have no idea what sort of child you will get and you have no idea how you will react to parenthood. I worked with children for years but it never prepared me for having my own (other than the practical stuff like nappy changing).

DD was the perfect baby but DS was a nightmare whirlwind of a baby who had me on my knees with exhaustion for years.

It's taken years for me to get back to 'happy' and ironically it's the teenage years that have revitalised me. Having small children was terribly hard for me, but I love having teenagers.

I remember a friend telling me that her mom put them up foster care for about 8 months every year when they were younger. They would then go home at Christmas, Easter, bank holidays etc. I thought why on earth would a mother do this to her children?? Well, they loved it. I know their mom (amazing woman), she has always worked, very balanced, has travelled the world, a very supportive mother and grandmother. My friend too is a pretty normal person.

Now that I'm a mother, I dream of being able to hand my kids over to be looked after while I lived whatever life I liked (your kind of life)! Being a parent is hard work and your life will change permanently.

If you're not desperate, DON'T DO IT.
I love my babies though

I had a child for the reason you mentioned above, as an insurance against regret. I love her and I’m glad I had her but I loved my life pre children too. The lack of spontaneity is very tough, I find and it has also been hard in our relationship especially as my husband and I parent quite differently.
There have been quite a few threads over the years asking if you had your time again would you have children which are an eye opener. A good 35/40% say no and you should a read, there are some insightful anecdotes.
I wouldn’t change my decision but it does change your left forever and not always in a positive sense.

A tricky dilemma for you.

I really don't understand how it's a tricky dilemma if you don't actively want to have a child.

I would say that if you’re on the fence then don’t do it. It’s a strange thing to ask other people about though.

I love my DC but they have been horrific for my mental and physical health.

Oh my god, THIS. I have two children, who I obviously love, but they also annoy the shit out of me (especially since it’s the summer holidays), they fight constantly, and were such difficult babies/toddlers it’s a wonder I didn’t go doolally. I’ve battled postnatal anxiety and depression. My abdomen is literally disfigured with thick, enormous stretch marks. I still don’t feel like I have my life back and they’re 7 and 4. I cannot spontaneously do anything or do something to please only myself.

If you’re ambivalent about kids and only think you should have one because “that’s what couples do” then you really need to do some soul searching. FOMO alone isn’t enough

I really wanted a child in the pit of my stomach from when I was quite young, I was absolutely sure about it, but I still find it really hard being a mum. To be honest if you're not sure about it I would say it's probably not worth worrying too much about.

I agree you can’t base it on how you feel around other people’s kids. Friends’ tiny babies are cute but generally other kids don’t hold any appeal and tbh even though I now have 2 kids I adore I’m still not great at entertaining other people’s kids - it doesn’t come naturally to me at all. Yet i always knew I wanted my own and wasn’t even really something I ever doubted or questioned - obviously it might not have happened but I always knew I wanted to At least try. As others say, if you don’t feel any urge to have them I suspect you would be happy without them.

I also agree that life with kids is neither better nor worse - just very different. There are some wonderful parts but there are also a lot of aspects of child free life that I miss greatly. I suppose it’s a matter of weighing up which is more important to you - having a family and everything that brings with it, or maintaining a great lifestyle where you can do as you please (which is definitely not something to be given up lightly!).

I think the fact that you would need to go down the IVF route makes a difference too if you are on the fence. It’s clearly not just a case of ditching the contraceptive and seeing what happens but obviously requires an active decision. In your shoes I don’t think I would go down that path unless I was sure.

But it’s irrelevant what we think really OP- only you and your DH can decide (sorry that’s massively unhelpful!)

I disagree with the statement that if you don't 100% know then you shouldn't. It's a big decision and it's only reasonable to consider your options. I didn't know 100%, I was just like you - nice life, happy as we were, no broodiness really - but that does not mean it would have been better for my DC not to be born, thanks very much.

Tipping the scales was exactly the same worry that we might regret being childless later in life. When I look at my parents and PILs, you can see how much children and grandchildren add to their lives.

There is another dimension to consider. Your life is fine now. You're happy. Now, if you decide to give it a try, and it does not work - you can't go back to the same stage. You will feel childless, not childfree.

Worrying that you might regret not doing something is, in my opinion, not a good reason to do something. To have children you need to know you really want them. They will COMPLETELY change your life.

The older and more financially comfortable you are, the more your life will change because the more you will have to sacrifice. Say goodbye to spontaneity and nice (adult) holidays. Also say goodbye to your nice, tidy house.

It sounds to me like you have a lovely life and you’re just worried that you’ll miss out on things like family christmases. That would be a really terrible reason to have kids. A mind a terrible reason to put you and your relationship through the stress (and expense) of IVF.

Enjoy your child free life. It sounds idyllic.

I totally agree that if you are not sure about it, then you shouldn’t have children. I really really wasn’t sure. But I love it. And I believe I am a very loving, caring, interested and generally good mum! And not all women who know they want children actually enjoy it when it comes to it. It’s a risk and a leap of faith for everyone.
Also I totally disagree with the poster who said don’t do it unless something in your life is lacking. That’s quite a callous comment I feel. I’m a professional, with a great career, have travelled lots, have a wonderful relationship with my husband, lots of friends and loads of hobbies like climbing, cycling etc etc I won’t go on. But a child enriches you’re life in a totally other way. It’s insulting to insinuate that women have babies because their lives are somewhat lacking or inadequate! Only you can decide OP.

@KatharinaRosalie makes an interesting final point:

There is another dimension to consider. Your life is fine now. You're happy. Now, if you decide to give it a try, and it does not work - you can't go back to the same stage. You will feel childless, not childfree.

This will definitely be the case for some people - we gave it a try and it did not work. However, we still feel childfree, not childless. Again, I think you will always have a personal response to an unknown outcome.

Don't do it OP.

Enjoy the life you have. Regretting not having kids is nothing compared to regretting having them.

I don’t think having a child you don’t want, or are not sure you want, so that you don’t have regrets is a good idea. You could regret having a child, lots of parents do.

Also everyone’s life is full of things they didn’t do! What if you regret never living in Russia, never being an astronaut, never learning to cook authentic Chinese cuisine, never being a lawyer, never owning a business, never living in a Texas etc etc. You can’t do everything so just do the things you really WANT to do.

I was very unsure. I loved my life and my relationship with dh. I also am not a 'kids' person. I don't dislike them. Just feel neutral towards them. Took the plunge mainly because dh was keen and I have one lo who is 4. I adore my lo and being a mum is amazing. I have zero regrets. My relationship took a thrashing for the first year or so was the only down side but we've come through it. I'm still not a kids person but adore my own so I don't think how much you like kids is correlated to how maternal you can actually be to your own child. I'm now in a new space of loving our new life as a family of 3 and sitting very much on the fence about having another because I like life as it is. Seems there's always something to sit on the fence over no matter what you do!

I wanted a baby. I mean, I really wanted a baby. Could almost feel the weight of it in my arms. When my husband and I drove around, we constantly felt we were missing someone in the back seat. I never thought I would be someone who felt like that, but I did. There was no coherent, logical, thought-out decision - I just wanted that damn baby. Yes, at times it is hard, but I love it.

I have to be honest though - while I have met people who perhaps felt like motherhood wasn't quite how they expected it to be, I have never met anyone who chose not to have a baby, and regretted that decision. We are all different. Some of us don't want children - and that's fine. I think that there is a greater pressure on women to justify not wanting children - with men it is almost seen as the default.

I always knew I wanted DC, and was lucky enough to have them without any kind of fuss or fertility issues. I grew up around babies and young children (huge family on both parents sides) so always knew I liked DC.

I can't imagine not having them, but also know that all of my friends are different; we have childfree friends who've stayed child free by choice, two lots who've struggled with fertility and countless other "types". All of them are happy enough and continue their lives together, so what works for one family won't work for another. One thing I do know, though, is that FOMO isn't the reason to have a child.