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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want other peoples children in my house?

128 replies

Cantmakeupmymind1 · 07/08/2019 10:50

I have a baby and two preschoolers - life is full on, hectic etc. I do something every day with my children so we get out of the house for at least a few hours usually more, we have lots of active, fun, inexpensive days out. I'm just about staying on top of everything, home is tidy and clean 'enough' most of the time but I do struggle to stay on top of tidying up and cleaning with children who are up at 5am and go to bed late.

Here's my AIBU - my friend keeps asking for her 3 and 6 year old to come over and play. I don't want them to. It's often dropped on me last minute. They rarely go out and do anything. I really have my hands full with my own children, I don't need another two to look after. It's awkward because if I bump in to her, her 6 year old will ask if they can come back and play and rather than say no she tells her to ask me! So I then have to say no, which is followed by lots of 'oh please oh please' from her 6 year old and again she will tell her to ask me!! Am I the only mum who doesn't want other peoples children in her house? I'm happy to meet them in the park or somewhere so mum stays too but I don't want them 'dropped off' to my home to play so I have to look after them and then clean up the mess they've made in my house.

OP posts:
QueenEnid · 07/08/2019 10:55

I suppose it depends on the reasons for not wanting them round. Your post made it sound like your friend would drop the kids off, leave them to destroy your house and then pick them up and breeze off later on.

I would not be accepting that.

At 6 and 3 they know how to tidy up. So make them do it before they leave?

Or just tell your friend the truth that you don't like your own kids messing up your house so you're not planning on having any more to add into the mix!

x2boys · 07/08/2019 10:56

Can you not just tell the mum she's being very rude getting her six year old to ask you.?

BendingSpoons · 07/08/2019 10:56

She is being a CF. It is rude to ask if she can drop her kids off to you and it doesn't sound reciprocated. I have other children in my house when I have invited them and we generally get invited back. (My eldest is 3 so parents always stay, not sure what would be the norm at 3 and 6.)

EmmaJR1 · 07/08/2019 10:57

With 3 young children life is hard enough so you do what you need to to stay afloat.

A compromise could be saying well if mum comes too?

For what it's worth my sister and I have 2 children each of similar ages (all under 3) and we often drop the kids off to have a play date but it's always reciprocated so we both get a break.

I'm guessing she wouldn't be offering this? If the favour wouldn't be returned then definitely feel comfortable saying no, you aren't a childminder!

Thisandthat1248 · 07/08/2019 10:57

She 100% should parent her own kid and not get them to ask you, shes trying to guilt you in to it.

I think it is perfectly reasonable if you don't want to do this and meet the kids and parents in a park or something, that way they can play together and still have both parents for supervision. You arent a child minder for a reason!

Thehop · 07/08/2019 10:57

I used to fall for this free babysitting rubbish.

Not now “oh today’s no good I’m shattered, but we can go to the park if mummy says it’s okay!”

Laugh at mum and say “god I love your two but cleaning up after visits is a killer, I don’t do it no matter how much I like the kids any more!”

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2019 10:58

I'm with you. You have enough on your plate to deal with, and if you don't want other children over there's nothing wrong with that. Keep saying no and hopefully that mother will get the hint to stop asking.

Teddybear45 · 07/08/2019 10:58

So you won’t ever have your children’s friends over? All that will encourage them to do is associate other people’s houses with fun - this will mean seeing far less of them as they grow up.

mummytothree87 · 07/08/2019 10:59

Of course you're not being unreasonable. I'm the exact same no problem with meeting at soft play or park or somewhere kids can run around,but with three of my own in the house making noise and mess last thing i want is more kids to keep an eye on as usually they don't adhere to the same rules your kids do. My friend always asks to meet then when time to head home her eldest usually asks to come with us, i love them but they are hard work and dont listen constantly fighting with my youngest and trying to take toys home. I've just started saying no sorry to much to do. They cant argue with thay

NoSauce · 07/08/2019 10:59

I bet she wants her 3 and 6 year old to come round to play. Wouldn’t we all! So she can sit in the garden with a nice glass of wine reading her book while you’re up to your neck in kids!

Just be firm or say “ yes my dc would love to play with yours, I can drop them round, what time suits you? “

CalmdownJanet · 07/08/2019 11:01

But are they looking to come alone? Would your friend not stay? I mean you don't have to if you don't want to but if you did it would be only if she stayed, start with an hour only and only if they/she cleans up after.

Do your kids like playing with them? What do they want?

The "ask her" I would stop, just say it her "Don't do that, you say no to your child not me, unless it's prearranged you can always assume it's a no if that helps you out with knowing what to say"

AryaStarkWolf · 07/08/2019 11:01

So rude the mother telling the kid to ask you, definitely trying to awkward you into saying yes. What you should say is " I have a better idea, why doesn't my two go home with you instead? YAY"

Teacakeandalatte · 07/08/2019 11:03

It's different if they are your dc's friends so you are getting some benefit from the visit as even if it makes a mess your dc enjoy it and hopefully they will then invite your dc to play at theirs later, but in this case it sounds like you are just a free babysitter.

notacooldad · 07/08/2019 11:04

I think there's a world if difference between having kids around to play at yours and a mum trying to force your hand into having them.
Personally I liked having kids round but we never had parents who tried to make you have their children regardless if what your plans were or get the children to ask
Sure we've had people ask directly as a favour to help them out and that's not a problem.

Original poster
Cantmakeupmymind1 · 07/08/2019 11:06

Teddy So you won’t ever have your children’s friends over? How have you got that from my post?? I have a baby and two preschoolers!!! Do you have three children under four? Just wondering if you understand how full on that is. Of course I will have my children friends over as they go through school, that goes without saying but I'm talking about right now not in the future.

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 07/08/2019 11:07

Teddybear45 there's a big difference between hosting school aged kids who play off on their own and hosting playdates with/for younger kids where you have to keep n eye on them. I did limited playdates when my kids were small, with kids whose mums reciprocated, but now that my kids are 7 and old enough to arrange this stuff on their own and entertain their friends I just let them get on with it.

Original poster
Cantmakeupmymind1 · 07/08/2019 11:08

When friend asks if they can come and play it's always just the children, not her too. So basically can she drop them off for a while to play.

OP posts:
jennymanara · 07/08/2019 11:09

Get your kids to ask to come over to play at hers?

CalmdownJanet · 07/08/2019 11:11

Well then say "Hahahaha no way, we meet at the park, I have enough to mind with my own three, I definitely don't want 5 to look after". And just laugh it off like it's a crazy suggestion - because it is! You could also add " If you them to play so badly I'll drop my 3 off to you if you like"

Original poster
Cantmakeupmymind1 · 07/08/2019 11:11

As for going to their house - they're not allowed toys downstairs only puzzles whereas we have toys downstairs too. The suggestion is always to come to our house.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 07/08/2019 11:11

Honestly you’re not wrong. Don’t stress it. She’s being ridiculously cheeky. How on earth can she think you’d want two more in your house when you’ve got a baby and two preschoolers.

How well do you know this friend? What does she do for you?

AvengerDanvers95 · 07/08/2019 11:12

That's not having kids round to play, that's babysitting. She's a cheeky fucker.

IndigoHexagon · 07/08/2019 11:12

My answer, when my child would ask to go play at others children’s houses in front of the other parent, is always ‘no ds, you wait until your invited’ - that gives the other parents of either ignoring it, or inviting, without either of us worrying if we’ve imposed or been ‘the meanie’ and teaches the child to have better manners!

jennymanara · 07/08/2019 11:13

Maybe next time the kid goes please say, no sorry you can't come round to our house, but my DC could come over to your house to play instead.
Manipulative I know, but she is being very manipulative.

EducatingArti · 07/08/2019 11:15

Next time 6 year old asks say " oh, I think it's your turn for ( DC names) to come and play at your house."

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