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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want other peoples children in my house?

128 replies

Cantmakeupmymind1 · 07/08/2019 10:50

I have a baby and two preschoolers - life is full on, hectic etc. I do something every day with my children so we get out of the house for at least a few hours usually more, we have lots of active, fun, inexpensive days out. I'm just about staying on top of everything, home is tidy and clean 'enough' most of the time but I do struggle to stay on top of tidying up and cleaning with children who are up at 5am and go to bed late.

Here's my AIBU - my friend keeps asking for her 3 and 6 year old to come over and play. I don't want them to. It's often dropped on me last minute. They rarely go out and do anything. I really have my hands full with my own children, I don't need another two to look after. It's awkward because if I bump in to her, her 6 year old will ask if they can come back and play and rather than say no she tells her to ask me! So I then have to say no, which is followed by lots of 'oh please oh please' from her 6 year old and again she will tell her to ask me!! Am I the only mum who doesn't want other peoples children in her house? I'm happy to meet them in the park or somewhere so mum stays too but I don't want them 'dropped off' to my home to play so I have to look after them and then clean up the mess they've made in my house.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 08/08/2019 08:26

Yep say no

And why can’t she take why getting a parcel

And say no to 6yr to playing upstairs in bedroooms

And play with one/two things /boxes then tidy up

Original poster
Cantmakeupmymind1 · 08/08/2019 08:32

She could easily have taken her children with her to collect the parcel. I think it was a ruse in the hope when her 6 year old refused to leave I would say she could stay and play. She seemed a bit huffy when she came back and 6 year old wanted to stay and I said no.

OP posts:
Millie2017 · 08/08/2019 08:43

I’ve never had someone suggest a play date and then they have ‘dropped’ their child off with me. They have always stayed. And I’ve done hundreds of play dates over the years.
I’m really surprised she just showed up at your house too. That is pretty cheeky.
Do you have her number? If it were me I’d text her and explain you just can’t manage any more children right now but you are happy for you child to go to theirs for a play.
Oh and when the 6yr old asked to go upstairs I would have said no. It’s one thing a few rooms downstairs getting trashed, it’s another thing altogether to give them free reign of the whole house.

lovelookslikethis · 08/08/2019 08:45

You are not a free childminder op.

You have three young children to care for, that is enough for anyone! I have two, and I am permanently exhausted.

I have had my fair share of CFs over the years, I used to accommodate everyone in the early days but quickly realised the favours coming back were very few and far between. So now I don't offer and I am always busy if anyone asks. We offer playdates when I have help, and can manage and when my children ask for them. I always help in a genuine emergency of course, but beyond that no. Parcels do not count as a medical emergency.

If I look after my own dc in the holidays, and we do lovely things together its not too hard, add one or two more children into the mix and it can become overwhelming and so tiring. I end up feeling like I am on my knees. Sleepovers are the worst.

So now when friends ask to see us, I suggest a picnic in the park, a day out, a trip to the cinema or lunch out somewhere. I try to avoid doing anything at home. Then we all relax and enjoy it, and there is not tons of tidying up or extra childcare involved.

eddielizzard · 08/08/2019 08:47

Would you have done that to her? Knocked on her door, left your three kids, or even just your two older ones to pick up a parcel?

Maybe you need to do just that to her today and see what she says. Trouble is, if she says yes that's a green light for that sort of behaviour.

Practice your line for next time instead, because there will be a next time. 'No, that's not convenient.'

gabsdot · 08/08/2019 08:49

If you don't want other children to come over to play with your kids then that's your choice. However you'll get a reputation among the kids for being the house no one is allowed to go to.
Over the years my kids have had friends like this whose homes they've never been in and they think it's strange and unfair.
Our house is always open and now that my kids are teens their friends are always welcome which I love because I know their friends and know where they are.
It can be a pain when 5 teenage boys start cooking and when they play loud computer games but I prefer to know they're here and safe.

lovelookslikethis · 08/08/2019 08:49

I would text her too, and say ' Dear CF friend, It would be great to see you over the holidays for a picnic or an afternoon in the park. I am sorry I can't have XX over to play, it is pretty full on with my three at the moment. Let me know when you are next free for a picnic'

lovelookslikethis · 08/08/2019 08:53

gabs Op is not saying no one ever is welcome at her house, she is simply saying she prefers to organise playdates when it is convenient to her. I wouldn't like two children sprung on me either when I am feeling knackered.

Teens are very independent and can care for themselves, it is totally different to caring for five young children. Perhaps your set up is very different to hers, you may have had more support/less children/plenty of childcare options/younger and with more energy etc.

I don't think you can compare.

PuppyMonkey · 08/08/2019 08:57

Sorry, we’re busy today.
Sorry, we’re busy today.
Sorry, we’re busy today.
Sorry, we’re busy today.
Sorry, we’re busy today.
Sorry, we’re busy today.

Repeat as necessary.Grin

sherazade · 08/08/2019 09:09

So you won’t ever have your children’s friends over?

She's got three toddlers now and can't cope with 2 extras so that leads to the conclusion that her children will never have friends over when they grow up ?

MarshaBradyo · 08/08/2019 09:11

Yanbu because atm she’s treating you like free childcare

A play date where the inviting parent is up for it and instigates it would feel different

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/08/2019 11:49

She got huffy with you?!! She’s telling you where you are on the pecking order and it doesn’t sound like mutually beneficial friend. I’ve seen too many of these threads, where the cf sees their “friend” won’t babysit anymore and you don’t see them for dust... or starts ignoring them and their children or worse still starts bad mouthing them.

Do you trust her to look after your eldest two? If you do, maybe invent a small “emergency” and see if she will look after your dcs while you tend to it. Take note of her reaction and questions.

NoSauce · 08/08/2019 11:55

Huffy?! Shock cheeky mare.

What’s your friendship like otherwise? Do you get anything from it?

StrongTea · 08/08/2019 12:03

Nothing changes from years ago I was the mum with about 8 kids in the garden while they other mums got on with their chores. Wished I had been more assertive. Just smile and say no.

YouTheCat · 08/08/2019 12:30

If she asks again tell her the last time was way too much for you to handle and it won't be happening again.

Are your kids likely to go to the same school as hers in the future? If so, I'll bet she'll be there asking you to do drop offs and pick ups.

Steer clear. This woman is no friend.

QuickThinkOfAName · 08/08/2019 12:37

She is not a friend!

End of.

She's a cheeky fuck.

Use the old coat/bag on when you answer the door. Oh hello sorry can't stop - we're just on our way out. Maybe catch you another time. (Or if it's someone you like - oh lovely to see you. We just got back)

Personally I'd be using less tactful measures but I'm from the burning bridges school of thinking when it comes to cfs

Drum2018 · 08/08/2019 16:47

Well now you will be ready for her next knock. Just say No, it doesn't suit. As for the 6 yr old pulling out toys and wanting to go upstairs - a stern voice saying 'Don't do that in this house' should stop her. Say loudly that nobody is to go upstairs. Set your rules as soon as she is in the door, even when the mum is there.

Cocobean30 · 08/08/2019 16:50

She’s a cheeky cow! Stick up for yourself if she does this again just say you’re on your way out

Lilyannarose · 08/08/2019 17:08

Some people are just beyond cheeky.
When my daughter was 3 I suffered a missed miscarriage at 14 wks.
There was a lady in her 60's over the road who had her 4 year old grandaughter every week day.
She would send her over to play with my dd which I didn't mind at all. They got on well together and it was company for my dd.
My DH informed the lady that I had suffered a MMC.
The following day she sent her grandaughter over as usual.
DH took the child back across and explained that I wasn't up to having anyone elses child in the house. I was going through the natural process of losing my baby and crying constantly.
Half an hour later the lady comes back with the little girl, "X is very upset because she can't play with your dd. Can't X stay and play? She won't be any trouble?"
Should add that dd was very clingy at that time and wouldn't go over to their house, but even so I felt it was too much!
DH refused and the woman marched off in a huff with grandaughter.
Sometimes you just have to say no!

dancingmom · 08/08/2019 18:41

Seriously tell her NO. This isn't a friend. Do you like this person?

dustarr73 · 08/08/2019 19:07

I think you need to text her now.And say you wont be doing any more childminding.You have 3 kids yourself and cant watch anyone elses.

Dont say playdates.That was a very sly thing to do today,and she knew it.I would just distance myself now.She is a CF.

BMW6 · 08/08/2019 20:15

Oh come ON Op - stop being such a drip. You are wetter than the Atlantic!

Nomoremilk · 08/08/2019 20:26

I have 3 under 3 and I don't have other kids round my house without their parents. In fact not even with their parents. I don't know anyone else who could manage 3 under 3 plus 2 other kids, but it sounds like stressful crap and I don't want to. She needs to get out more and take her kids!

Jojobears · 08/08/2019 20:30

Hahah CF territory here!

At first I thought she was coming round with the kids, and even then I thought she was a CF. But leaving the kids with you is ridiculously cheeky!

We have a big group of toddler friends atm and only about 3 of the group invite everyone round. But that’s because we have bigger living / play areas.

There is one friend who we babysit for and she returns the favour; but we each only have one child and it’s planned in advance and reciprocal.

Tell her it’s her turn to watch your three for the afternoon

Hithere12 · 08/08/2019 20:32

I suppose it depends on the reasons for not wanting them round

No it doesn’t!! It’s her house she doesn’t need a reason or an “excuse”

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