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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want other peoples children in my house?

128 replies

Cantmakeupmymind1 · 07/08/2019 10:50

I have a baby and two preschoolers - life is full on, hectic etc. I do something every day with my children so we get out of the house for at least a few hours usually more, we have lots of active, fun, inexpensive days out. I'm just about staying on top of everything, home is tidy and clean 'enough' most of the time but I do struggle to stay on top of tidying up and cleaning with children who are up at 5am and go to bed late.

Here's my AIBU - my friend keeps asking for her 3 and 6 year old to come over and play. I don't want them to. It's often dropped on me last minute. They rarely go out and do anything. I really have my hands full with my own children, I don't need another two to look after. It's awkward because if I bump in to her, her 6 year old will ask if they can come back and play and rather than say no she tells her to ask me! So I then have to say no, which is followed by lots of 'oh please oh please' from her 6 year old and again she will tell her to ask me!! Am I the only mum who doesn't want other peoples children in her house? I'm happy to meet them in the park or somewhere so mum stays too but I don't want them 'dropped off' to my home to play so I have to look after them and then clean up the mess they've made in my house.

OP posts:
ASundayWellSpent · 07/08/2019 13:06

Nope no way would I be having them dropped off to play! At a stretch I would have the mum over too, and organise an activity in the garden or something to avoid the house being trashed.

Userzzzzz · 07/08/2019 13:11

I’m not sure why the 6 year old wants to go to yours anyway when there is such a big age gap. I find sometimes it can be easier if the 3 year old has someone to play as they entertain each other but I’ve only ever had that age round with parents except once. Dumping a 3 and 6 year old on you isn’t really fair of the other mum.

NoSquirrels · 07/08/2019 13:16

If she asks directly, then you say “Sorry, I’ve got my hands full with my three so we’re not doing play dates at home. I could drop mine over to yours if they’d like to see them for a play?”

She will say no. Job done.

If the 6 year old asks “Sorry, X, I can’t have you to play at my house at the moment. Perhaps Mum will have (your DC’s names) over to your house instead?”

She will say no. Job done.

Candymay · 07/08/2019 13:16

Keep saying no. It’s really good practice for the future when you’ll have plenty more CFs to deal with. I would laugh and say no, not my house, but we can go to the park sometime.

ILearnedItFromABook · 07/08/2019 13:27

YANBU! She should take a hint, but if she won't, you'll either have to keep saying no or talk to her about it once and for all. She's taking advantage of you and putting you on the spot-- using her own child as a weapon!

Sunshineface123 · 07/08/2019 13:59

That's the cheekiest thing I've ever heard! She drops them off and leaves?! No way!! I'd just say no every single time and offer to meet at the park etc instead. I don't like having other kids over even with their parents as the mess is always ridiculous. Not too bad at the moment if they can play in the garden but indoors no chance!

Dotty1970 · 07/08/2019 18:50

next time say yes of course they can play, when shall I drop mine off? She's a CF

Nonnymum · 07/08/2019 19:38

I don't blame you, it's one thing having mum and kids round which can be nice because you can chat with mum while the kids play and the mum can supervise her own kids and help tidy up afterwards. But she is in effect asking you to look after her children! Thats not fair, especially when you have 3 very young children of your own.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/08/2019 20:14

Not sure why mum wouldn’t come as well

5 little ones is too much for one adult to look after bysemd

Tell her that

Or next time 6yr asks to play. Say happy to go to yours and see what mums says

We have play dates. But take it in turn. And kids and adults help tidy up

Beesandcheese · 07/08/2019 20:21

Look her in the eye and tell her to stop passing the buck.

pinkstripeycat · 07/08/2019 20:26

I wouldn’t like it although now mine are older I like their friends round so they’re not roaming the streets

GemJR · 07/08/2019 20:36

Is she for real?
There's no way I would send a 3 year old to someone's house to play without my being there, unless it's a family member.
How rude to expect you to have her 2 very young children as well as your own.
Tell her you can meet at the park and then you'll be taking your children home to nap

Original poster
Cantmakeupmymind1 · 08/08/2019 07:29

Quick update - I had a knock on my door yesterday, it was friend, she asked if I could look after her children for half an hour as she needed to pick up a parcel. She completely put me on the spot, I said "er er er ok' and with that she ushered her kids in to my house and left! Her 6 year old immediately started pulling out all the toys downstairs and then asking to go upstairs to my children' s bedroom. When mum came back 6 year old didn't want to leave and said she wanted to stay to which mum replied "I don't think you can' and looked at me!!! I said 'No not today' but I had to say it repeatedly before she left!! Doesn't help they live in the next road. I feel like I need to go out everyday just to avoid this!!

OP posts:
NoSauce · 08/08/2019 07:34

She’s so cheeky! Coming round and putting you in the spot like that is not on. You’re going to have to grow a rhino hide OP or this will keep on happening.

Dump your dc on her while you pop out somewhere, see how she likes it.

ByStarlight · 08/08/2019 07:39

Why couldn’t she take her kids with her to collect a parcel? Seems an odd thing to need a ‘babysitting’ play date for.

msmith501 · 08/08/2019 07:47

I agree it's you OP. We all have different standards and ways or doing things that enable us to cope and relax and enjoy our own environments and other people and other people's children can greatly impact that. I've still not got over when my step son invited six of his mates 11 - 12 years old) for a sleep over in the lounge, only for us to be woken at 2am as they were spraying coke bottles all around the room, up the walls and over the TV etc. Sticky and frankly fucking disgusting (and we are not house proud to the point of silliness). Anyway, after much thought we called the parents to collect the little darlings and also to come back the next day to clean up the mess. Fortunately the parents were equally annoyed at their little darlings but as with the OP, I know first hand that many parents are just full of CFery.

PerkyPomPoms · 08/08/2019 07:53

You need to be firm

LL83 · 08/08/2019 07:53

You need to speak to your friend. Tell her you have too much on with your own young children to watch any more. You are happy to hang out altogether at park etc but you cannot have play dates. Or distance yourself from her.

She is outrageous for asking so often. I rarely watch my friends children, only if they are stuck and I know about it so offer. I want to socialise with my friends and luckily they feel the same. We go places with the children together.

I have play dates for dds school friends to help encourage her friendships but that is now she is at school.

NotSoFrankly · 08/08/2019 07:57

Start saying ‘No, darling, your mummy has confused ‘coming round to play’ with ‘free babysitting’.’

LolaSmiles · 08/08/2019 08:00

She's a CF through and through

I do feel sorry for the 6year old though. It's sounds like play at their house is very sanitised and monitored and downstairs has to be a child free zone etc. No wonder they think other houses are more fun. The mother shouldn't be teaching her child to beg though. It's so rude.

Get used to saying no OP.

greenwaterbottle · 08/08/2019 08:02

Get a ring doorbell.
Answer the door thinking it's her and have an excuse prepared.

greenwaterbottle · 08/08/2019 08:03

Equally it's ok to say to the 6 yo old just get one box out to play with, tidy it away and choose something else after.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 08/08/2019 08:08

CF alert.

“No, not today, I have a full house with my three but if my DC wants to go with you to your house that would be lovely for you all” —and even better for me—

Tonnerre · 08/08/2019 08:08

You do need to learn to say No more. When your friend knocked, it would have been easy to say that you were about to go out, the baby was asleep and you didn't want her disturbed, or simply that it wasn't convenient. I don't see why she can't take her children with her when she collects a parcel, anyway.

AsTheWorldTurns · 08/08/2019 08:18

She's incredibly cheeky. I have only two kids so it was easier for me to have friends and their children over, but it was usually coupled with something outdoors to tire them out and then lunch/DVD and poof they're gone and everyone has some quiet time.

Crucially, very few drop-offs at that age, only children I knew very well - it was usually with their mothers.