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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want other peoples children in my house?

128 replies

Cantmakeupmymind1 · 07/08/2019 10:50

I have a baby and two preschoolers - life is full on, hectic etc. I do something every day with my children so we get out of the house for at least a few hours usually more, we have lots of active, fun, inexpensive days out. I'm just about staying on top of everything, home is tidy and clean 'enough' most of the time but I do struggle to stay on top of tidying up and cleaning with children who are up at 5am and go to bed late.

Here's my AIBU - my friend keeps asking for her 3 and 6 year old to come over and play. I don't want them to. It's often dropped on me last minute. They rarely go out and do anything. I really have my hands full with my own children, I don't need another two to look after. It's awkward because if I bump in to her, her 6 year old will ask if they can come back and play and rather than say no she tells her to ask me! So I then have to say no, which is followed by lots of 'oh please oh please' from her 6 year old and again she will tell her to ask me!! Am I the only mum who doesn't want other peoples children in her house? I'm happy to meet them in the park or somewhere so mum stays too but I don't want them 'dropped off' to my home to play so I have to look after them and then clean up the mess they've made in my house.

OP posts:
flumposie · 07/08/2019 11:16

She's a CF. Just repeat it's too much.

anothernotherone · 07/08/2019 11:19

Do your children ask if these children can come and play?

It sounds as though the 6 year old is 2 years older than your oldest child, are they actually friends?

Are the children badly behaved?

I'm a fan of open house for self sufficient children who my children have invited over or asked me to invite but not of being a free crèche. It depends which it is, but it sounds as though your situation is more free crèche than genuinely friends coming to play.

I didn't have 3 under 4 but had 3 under 5.5 :) From age 3 each of my kids sometimes had friends over without parents, because 3 is the age children go to preschool here and usually start going to friends houses without parents once they're used to preschool. So when my youngest was a newborn I would sometimes have two extra children over but they were genuinely my children's friends so it was worth it, and the 5 year olds here tend to be very self sufficient and go off and play!

Therefore in your specific situation YANBU even though you would be if your children were a bit older and were wanting friends to come and play.

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 07/08/2019 11:20

Sounds like she spells 'friend' as 'f r e e c h i l d c a r e' to me, OP. YANBU to say no.

BenWillbondsPants · 07/08/2019 11:22

If it's just the children then no YANBU. If she was coming too, I wouldn't mind as it means the children get to enjoy playing together but, as it is, she's trying to use you for free childcare.

Iggly · 07/08/2019 11:23

“no” is the response.

And if you follow up with a text to the mum to say sorry I always have to say no at the moment because I’ve got loads on. Maybe we should meet in the park.

Job done.

TixieLix · 07/08/2019 11:24

Your friend is a CF. When the question is posed (either by CF friend, or her kids) the answer is "sorry, I have my hands full with my own three, I can't manage five on my own, so it has to be a no."

If she gets them to ask you a second time then pull her up on it. Tell her you've already said no and you meant no, and you'd appreciate if she didn't encourage her DCs to keep asking.

HollowTalk · 07/08/2019 11:24

If I had 3 under 4 there's no way I'd have other kids there without their parent being there, too. And even then I'd only do it if that parent shared the cleaning up. She's a CF, OP.

CheerfulMuddler · 07/08/2019 11:26

I'd say yes, but make it clear to your friend that she has to come too. I don't think that's unreasonable. "Yes, we'd love you to come, but I think Mummy will have to come too - I can't look after five children on my own! I don't think your Mummy would want to look after five children on her own, would she?"
She's stuck then - if she say yes, you say, brilliant, I'll drop the kids at yours on Tuesday. If she says no, then she's admitted she's being a CF.
Are you sure she plans to just drop them off? At 3 round here, parents always come too.

LettuceP · 07/08/2019 11:26

No I wouldn't just have children over to play without their parents, unless I am babysitting for the parents to do something specific and can expect it to be reciprocated if I need their help.

Next time the little girl asks say "no I'm not able to that but let's all go to the park together soon" then look at the mum and say "let me know when your free".

endofthelinefinally · 07/08/2019 11:26

" That wouldn't be convenient, but we could meet at the park for an hour". And repeat as necessary.
This person is looking for free childcare. She is very rude and very poor at parenting her own child.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2019 11:27

She seriously expects to just drop her kids off for free childcare? While she swans off and does whatever?

Next time she tries to emotionally blackmail you by getting her daughter to ask, try a tinkly laugh with a 'Oh that's not fair to ask her to ask me! You know how full my hands are with this lot. Can I send them over to yours instead?'

CF!!!

Areyoufree · 07/08/2019 11:28

Yes, that's really cheeky. My sister has 3 kids, aged 6 and under, and she is always pushing to have my two over. I am always very reluctant, as I think that 5 is a lot to handle, and I don't want to take the piss! I would never ask someone to watch my two if they already had three of their own - especially if one was a baby.

Skittlenommer · 07/08/2019 11:29

She’s using you for free childcare! What a cheeky bitch!

We have a strict no children allowed rule (we’re childfree). It’s your home you can decide who does or does not come over.

DavetheCat2001 · 07/08/2019 11:29

Sorry OP, what is her response when you suggest your two older ones come to her instead?

My DD has a habit of trying to pester her friends mums into inviting her back for a play, to which I always firmly say no and quietly remind her that you wait to be invited.

Your friend would really chap my arse with her cheeky fuckery.

My DS's friend is coming over to play this afternoon along with his mum. The boys will tear about in the garden and play Minecraft and we'll enjoy a nice glass of Pinot in the garden.

Now that's my idea of a playdate 👌

LettuceP · 07/08/2019 11:31

Forgot to say that I wouldn't have them over at the age of your children, school age and close friends is different.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 07/08/2019 11:31

I’ve learnt brutal but good humoured boundaries work best. E.g God no! I can barely keep sane with three in the house, can you imagine 5, no let’s meet at the park so they can run themselves ragged and we can have a chat.

Lunde · 07/08/2019 11:32

Sounds as though your "friend" is taking you for a mug and is just after free childcare so that she gets time for herself while you are struggling to entertain 5 under 7s.

The time has come to just say no. Or to use the MN "Oh that won't work for me today" and refuse to get into more debate

GrouchoMrx · 07/08/2019 11:36

It's awkward because if I bump in to her, her 6 year old will ask if they can come back and play and rather than say no she tells her to ask me! So I then have to say no, which is followed by lots of 'oh please oh please' from her 6 year old and again she will tell her to ask me!!

Wow. This is really cheeky.

Wonkybanana · 07/08/2019 11:39

It's cheeky of the mother, definitely. But given what you've said about her - hardly ever does anything with her DCs, toys not allowed downstairs - I do feel sorry for the 6 year old and wonder if he is genuinely desperate to come to yours for some fun where things aren't as rigid.

greenwaterbottle · 07/08/2019 11:39

I'd text her to say you're up to your eyes it at the moment and you know she'll understand that another two children to look after then tidy up after isn't achievable. And could she please stop x asking as you don't want her upset when you say no.

KatharinaRosalie · 07/08/2019 11:39

So I then have to say no, which is followed by lots of 'oh please oh please' from her 6 year old and again she will tell her to ask me!

Dear "6-year old", it is very rude to keep begging when someone has already said it does not work for them. I'm sure your mum will want to discuss this with you later.

BlueSkiesLies · 07/08/2019 11:40

"I think we hosted the last play date - how about we all come over to you this time?"

Woollycardi · 07/08/2019 11:46

What is a CF? Yes why don't you respond by saying, 'ooh my kids would love to come over to yours actually!' directed at her 6 year old who your 'friend' appears to be fond of speaking through. By the way, congrats for keeping on top of your house as well as everything else, my house looks like an absolute bomb site!

MamaGee09 · 07/08/2019 11:47

Next time you are put in that situation just say not today but we’ll come to yours instead as we’d love to play at yours, , let’s go children, she’ll soon stop her little one asking .

eddielizzard · 07/08/2019 11:49

You have a CF on your hands. She wants free childcare. As for your kids not going to hers, having puzzles downstairs as a reason is ridiculous. You're absolutely NBU and she' IS being unreasonable. She's not a friend.

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