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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend keeping secret that he won £25k gambling ...

245 replies

YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 01:07

Coming on here for opinions on whether I am being unreasonable or not...

I have been with boyfriend for 2 years, living (renting) together for one of those. We have been saving for a house. He already earns significantly more than me (6 figures), I earn not even a quarter what he does. We've both been saving equally for the house. He hasn't insisted that I pay an equal share, he is happy to put in more than me when the time comes to it, but I really want this to feel like an equal venture. I have been working my arse off, doing 2 jobs, and I am just about to start a third. My goal is to save £15k towards the house.

On his phone earlier we were scrolling through his photos and he quickly shut the app down once we got to a certain set, became very cagey about his phone. He's never done this before and I did find it suspicious. I am ashamed as I have never done this before, but I have gone back on the photos app since he has gone to bed. I noticed a withdrawal on a betting site for £25k. I know he dabbles in gambling from time to time but wasn't sure whether a withdrawal meant he had won the money or had paid that into it. I am completely naive to any of this, and I don't like gambling. It turns out he has won £25k.

I was obviously shocked and stunned, I then went onto his WhatsApp and he has had a conversation with a friend of his (who also gambles). He has said in the conversation that he doesn't want me to know because I will expect him to put some of his winnings towards our house Sad. He also owes one of his family members a significant amount of money and said he doesn't want to tell me as I will encourage him to pay the family member back.

I have never asked him for money, and always tried to pay my way. Whenever he has paid for expensive things I have always offered the money back, but he has told me to put it into our savings. He is generally a very selfless, kind and generous man. He has paid for expensive things and is never a shirker or tight with money. I love him and share everything with him, and I thought the same of him.

I understand if he wants to keep the money for himself, but I don't like the secrecy and assumption I will demand he spends the money in a certain way. I've never asked him for money and I am running myself ragged trying to save up which he is very aware of. I also feel it makes me look like an idiot and fool in front of his best friend who knows all about this. I also feel partly upset, because if I had a massive windfall like this, I would be over the moon it could mean we would buy our house faster, get a nicer house etc. I would be thinking of it as 'our' money. I've told him that when we move in I am happy for us to have a contract stating we have both put 'X' in. I am by no means a money grabber. That does hurt me a little, but more so the fact he is keeping it a secret from me but happy to tell his friends.

AIBU?

OP posts:
lmusic87 · 07/08/2019 11:48

How horrible OP x

TheJug · 07/08/2019 11:50

Don't listen to those telling you this might not be a problem. It is. £400 in a matter of hours when he owes money to family tells you that. He's lied (even if by omission) to you, stolen from you, covered his tracks, has barely explicable loans from family and that's what you know. Dig deeper and there's every chance you'll discover hidden debt. That £25K will be back with the bookies quick smart. It's only ever a short term loan from them for an addict.

Take it from me, life with an active gambler is sheer bloody hell and you'll spend it worrying about what's waiting round the corner and then when his house of cards tumbles sorting out the mess.

Block his access to your accounts and run for the hills. Run hard and don't look back. You deserve more than this.

Whosorrynow · 07/08/2019 11:51

You are not financially compatible with this man, do not what get into a financial partnership with him, do not invest money into an asset such as a property with him

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/08/2019 12:01

@TheJug it is all relative on what he has as spare cash though. If he has an agreement which he and more importantly his relative is happy with whereby he pays x amount a month for however long then that is between them. If the £400 is disposable income then how he chooses to spend it is his choice. I accept that it would be a better choice to pay more back to the person he owes or put it towards savings but ultimately it is his choice and as long as he is happy with that and the person he owes is happy with that then its between the two of them. For all anybody knows he may be planning to use the money to book a surprise holiday for the OP or buy her something as a surprise.

Original poster
YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 12:21

If the family member was happy with the arrangement to be paid ‘x’ amount back then why not be forthcoming? Also he has agreed to pay the family member any work bonuses he gets, as well as the set amount. Clearly he is concerned about the family member finding out and expecting some money paid off (quite rightly too!)

He purports to love me and his family above all else. He may or may not be a gambling addict. The fact remains he has had a massive windfall, and rather than share it with his ‘nearest and dearest’, he’s instead keeping it a secret and getting his friends to collude. Offering to take them for slap up dinners and whilst watching me struggle scrimping to save up for our house and not paying his relative back. Instead indulging in a deception so he can be selfish and nobody will question his motivations, gambling or lifestyle.

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 07/08/2019 12:24

The writing is on the wall
do not ignore it

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2019 12:26

he has had a massive windfall, and rather than share it with his ‘nearest and dearest’, he’s instead keeping it a secret and getting his friends to collude

Gambling aside, this is it in a nutshell. This man is not marriage material at all. Please protect yourself and your finances and start working out your exit strategy. Very sorry, but at least you've found out now. Flowers

Whosorrynow · 07/08/2019 12:29

For a successful partnership both people need to be willing to cooperate for mutual benefit.
This man is not a cooperator, and even if he were it's difficult to have an equal partnership with someone who has so much more financial power than you do

Jux · 07/08/2019 13:02

My younger bro died very suddenly, and in the aftermath we discovered how bad his gambling was. Yes, we knew he did a bit but, boy, were my eyes opened. He owned a flat in central London, worth a packet. After his gambling debts were paid, and the money he owed on the mortgage (he'd missed a few months because he hadn't enough in his account to pay it), loans he'd taken out...... a few thousand left after all that.

Close as we were, he had hidden it all.

This could so easily be your future.

HollowTalk · 07/08/2019 13:05

I agree with the PP about changing your passwords immediately.

What reason did he give for using your bank account to fund his gambling?

How much does he owe his family? I'd be very, very tempted to tell them about his windfall.

VanGoghsDog · 07/08/2019 13:08

I'm surprised as to why he would go down the gambling route considering he earns six figures?!

It doesn't work like that. It's not about the money at all, it's about the feelings.
My friend's husband was a finance director in a public listed company, earning well over £150k, plus 10ks of bonus each year.
They had two houses.

He had always gambled but it got worse and worse. The secrecy, the lies, the cover-ups, the time (constantly on the phone during family events etc, sometimes two phones, sometimes watching two TVs at once for different sports etc) and, of course, the money. He sold one house and gambled away all the capital (about £400k).

She is trying to divorce him but it's proving very difficult because there are no assets except the remaining house (they have zero savings, he has lost his job, so there is now no income either - she has almost never worked and while she has really tried she is not having any luck getting even a min wage job, plus the kids are in private schools) and he wants half the equity (which he will doubtless gamble away) but mostly he does not want to split up as he wants the external validation of his lifestyle which does not 'look like' what you might think a gambler looks like.

Gambling is a terrible, terrible thing.

HaileySherman · 07/08/2019 13:08

Oy....you really don't want to get further into a relationship with someone who is dishonest about finances. He's making excuses to lie to you and it's a terrible sign. This time it's because he's won money, next time it will be a loss. The second issue is tying tying your financial future to a gambler. I really feel you should cut your losses and get out of this relationship. Or pursue buying your own home, your own financial goals and keep your relationship completely separate if you were willing to do that.

Original poster
YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 13:20

He owes the family member approx. £15k. So he would still have a large amount left if he chose to pay them off.

We were both sat on the sofa and I’d downloaded a betting app to put a small amount on the grand national. When I turned back to him he’d deposited £20 and was slotting it. I promptly asked him what he was doing and demanded my phone back. Massive warning sign, red flag, I’m an idiot for not seeing it.

I’m going to talk to him later. There is no other option than splitting up, I am devastated.

OP posts:
InvernessAdventure · 07/08/2019 13:20

I also hate how he's already talking about you to his friends as though you're a ball and chain - don't tell Yellow, because she'll 'make me' pay back the debt/put it towards the house/share it, etc. Fuck that.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/08/2019 13:50

Oddly enough I spent this morning talking to one of DS2's mates who is going into rehab tomorrow for his gambling addiction. He came to talk to me about it because I'm a very long time sober alcoholic.

From everything you say this man has a serious gambling problem. And of all the addictions it's famously the one with the worst and fastest effects on the people who love the addict.

If you stay with this man you will never know whether you might suddenly lose your home. You will live in constant insecurity. The very thought of having DC with a gambler makes me feel nauseous. The 24 y.o man I was talking to this morning has stolen thousands from his DM.

Protect yourself. End this relationship.

HennyPennyHorror · 07/08/2019 13:56

Prawn I'm glad your DS's mate felt he could talk to you. I think OP does seem realistic about her partner...and seems to be set on leaving.

billybagpuss · 07/08/2019 13:56

Good luck OP Flowers

CharlieBubbles88 · 07/08/2019 14:06

You are not an idiot, he is. This isn't your fault at all, it's his.

You have had a lucky escape and it's a good thing you found out when you did, it could have been much worse.

My partner gambled, a few quid here and there, or so I thought. He then admitted he was gambling larger amounts online and promised to stop when I told him it might go against us getting a mortgage. When we went away for a short break he wasn't gambling per se but I was literally having to drag him aware from the arcade! This should have been a red flag.

We managed to get a mortgage and there were no gambling transactions on his account so I was confident he had stopped. Just over a year after we had moved house I found a loan agreement for £1000. When I confronted him he came clean, he had taken out £15k in loans and had spent all of our joint savings which were about £8k. I discovered on the day I had found he had spent £300 in one day and there was about £300 left in the account! One more day and there would have been nothing.

He never gambled in front of me, it was all done at work. He gave me no reason to check as all bills were paid, if we needed something he somehow found the money to buy it as not to arouse suspicion. During this period he suffered with terrible anxiety and panic attacks. I spent hours and hours with him trying to reassure him etc as well as many sleepless nights. Even then I had no idea what was really going on.

I kicked him out for a few weeks but took him back on the agreement that the joint account would be in my name, I would have access to his bank, and I would help with his finances. He continued to be feckless with money, his drinking and mood swings increased and he had no regard for how his actions were affecting me. I am currently in the process of trying to buy him out of the house and he has moved out. As he is still on the mortgage, and therefore has a key, I am terrified of him turning up drunk in the middle of the night and letting himself in. He is being emotionally abusive and making my life very difficult despite do everything I can to try and help him

Please stay strong and use these stories to show it is very very unlikely to work out. In my case there are many deep rooted issues that led to the gambling in the first place and they are not something I can fix.

Just be glad he has shown his true colours now before you end up in an even harder situation.

Sorry for the long post, that was quite cathartic

TheJug · 07/08/2019 14:14

I'm sorry it's come to this, OP but the time will come when you look back and realise how much more devastation you've escaped. Even if he was determined to give up, make amends, do everything he could to stop his access to gambling right now (which he isn't) it's a long hard road for all concerned and the relapse rate is pretty horrendous.

Flowers and hoping for better things for you very soon.

HollowTalk · 07/08/2019 14:14

I would be really tempted to tell his family member about that money. I doubt they'll see it otherwise.

Yappy12 · 07/08/2019 14:19

I'm rather devious so I'd tell the family person he owes money to about his windfall but say not to tell him that you told them. Just say they'd heard on the grapevine. Could have been one of his friends after all. Or send an anonymous typed note! That'll cook his goose!!

lyralalala · 07/08/2019 14:22

He owes the family member approx. £15k. So he would still have a large amount left if he chose to pay them off.

Sorry but why is he saving for anything when he owes a relative 15k. He shouldn’t have house deposit savings when he owes that kind of money.

Once he got the 6 figure salary job he should have spent a few skint months and paid that off.

The fact he has 25k winnings and hasn’t even pretended to have a few extra bonuses to pay that down shows that he has no issues with owing money.

loobyloo1234 · 07/08/2019 14:24

The thing with addicts is, they will only seek help if they are ready. Addicts however, can get better over time. I don't think it's fair to say every person that gambles should be tarnished with the same brush. My DB gambled around £1k in one month a few years ago - and lost it. It scarred him enough to close every betting account he had and save up the money he spent on gambling to save a deposit to buy his own house

I think you need to talk to him OP. Then make your decision. It sounds as though he is only gambling disposable income - which obviously could spiral - but until you talk to him about it, you won't have the full picture

The lying to you has to be the bigger concern though. As if he cannot be open about his finances, it really has to be the end of the road for you both as a couple

LadyRannaldini · 07/08/2019 14:27

This reply has been deleted

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2019 14:30

@LadyRannaldini what a spiteful, horrible message. Way to kick a woman when she's down. You should be ashamed of yourself. Reported.