Boyfriend keeping secret that he won £25k gambling ...

[YellowSunflowers123]

Coming on here for opinions on whether I am being unreasonable or not...

I have been with boyfriend for 2 years, living (renting) together for one of those. We have been saving for a house. He already earns significantly more than me (6 figures), I earn not even a quarter what he does. We've both been saving equally for the house. He hasn't insisted that I pay an equal share, he is happy to put in more than me when the time comes to it, but I really want this to feel like an equal venture. I have been working my arse off, doing 2 jobs, and I am just about to start a third. My goal is to save £15k towards the house.

On his phone earlier we were scrolling through his photos and he quickly shut the app down once we got to a certain set, became very cagey about his phone. He's never done this before and I did find it suspicious. I am ashamed as I have never done this before, but I have gone back on the photos app since he has gone to bed. I noticed a withdrawal on a betting site for £25k. I know he dabbles in gambling from time to time but wasn't sure whether a withdrawal meant he had won the money or had paid that into it. I am completely naive to any of this, and I don't like gambling. It turns out he has won £25k.

I was obviously shocked and stunned, I then went onto his WhatsApp and he has had a conversation with a friend of his (who also gambles). He has said in the conversation that he doesn't want me to know because I will expect him to put some of his winnings towards our house . He also owes one of his family members a significant amount of money and said he doesn't want to tell me as I will encourage him to pay the family member back.

I have never asked him for money, and always tried to pay my way. Whenever he has paid for expensive things I have always offered the money back, but he has told me to put it into our savings. He is generally a very selfless, kind and generous man. He has paid for expensive things and is never a shirker or tight with money. I love him and share everything with him, and I thought the same of him.

I understand if he wants to keep the money for himself, but I don't like the secrecy and assumption I will demand he spends the money in a certain way. I've never asked him for money and I am running myself ragged trying to save up which he is very aware of. I also feel it makes me look like an idiot and fool in front of his best friend who knows all about this. I also feel partly upset, because if I had a massive windfall like this, I would be over the moon it could mean we would buy our house faster, get a nicer house etc. I would be thinking of it as 'our' money. I've told him that when we move in I am happy for us to have a contract stating we have both put 'X' in. I am by no means a money grabber. That does hurt me a little, but more so the fact he is keeping it a secret from me but happy to tell his friends.

AIBU?

Have i misread? I thought he won 25k not gambled 25k

25k is easily done with some long odds accumalator type bet

I do not think this person sounds like a 'good person' .
He sounds hugely irresponsible and a massive risk to enter into a house purchase with.

@araiwa I think the issue here is that’s he’s hidden the win, told his friends and made disparaging comments about her to them, taken money from her account without her permission to gamble, and is not paying off his debts with the win. OP has also had to deal with addiction with partners before, and is about to combine finances with this man, so needs to be cautious.

If I won 25k on an acca I’d be straight on the phone to my OH and using it to buy the house we want.

Please read the entire thread.

She's already seen that he gambled £400 on that @araiwa.

OP, if he's doing so well, why did he want £20 off you to place a bet?

Like almost everyone else here, I think you need to get out of this relationship, but get hold of your money before you tell him.

It’s the insinuation I’d want his money, being secretive yet telling his friends to collude, owing money to family with no intention to pay off with his winnings. Happy to see me work my fingers to the bone, take money from my parents so to keep this money to himself. He also wants to take his friends on a big meal out to celebrate, makes me feel like an utter piece of shit.

It’s a casino website, not one big lucky win off the back of an accumulator. He put £400 in the betting website in the space of a few hours, from the small snippet I could see. Probably a hell of a lot more over weeks/months/years. Despite his big win he was still sending his friends photos of him gambling more on the slots. I suspect this runs a lot deeper than one lucky win. If it was you’d be more transparent, over the moon to tell me/his family. The secrecy and covering up is very alarming.

My grandfather was an addicted gambler. My grandmother used to meet him from work to get his wages so he didn’t gamble them away
This would be the 1940s and they had 4 children. Mum grew up poor and hungry.

I worked in a betting shop when I was 18. The same faces were in morn, noon and night when night racing began. Every day.
It’s a lot easier now as there wasn’t the internet then.

I got mum a job in the betting shop. Incredibly that started her gambling.
When I was married she asked me for money to cover her gambling debts so she didn’t have to tell dad. I went mad . We nearly fell out over it.
When she got dementia she would draw out a lot of money from money dad left her and unscrupulous friends would take her to the casino. She was losing it hand over fist.
I’m not going to say anymore..you get the picture.
You don’t want that sort of life for yourself.

@Yellow you sound so sensible even though you must be in pieces. Please tell someone in RL, your parents or friends, don't buy into this secrecy along with him. If you were my DD I'd be literally faint with relief that you had found him out and were planning to end it.

This guy has the potential to be the iceberg to your titanic.

Change course.

You will meet someone better.

My was (maybe still is) a compulsive gambler. He would lie about things - 100 lies to cover up one lie. He would also be very controlling as a result. My siblings and mine childhoods and lives growing up as a result were shit. Just thought I'd put that out there.

I'm surprised as to why he would go down the gambling route considering he earns six figures?! Some people are never happy and grateful and always want more I guess...

On top of that he's expecting you to save the same! What a tight git.

You don't win £25k from betting a fiver, well highly unlikely (people did when Leicester City won!) I would be very wary, does he have a gambling problem ??? Perhaps he withdrew from one site to pay another's debts? Think very carefully whether he is a person to buy a house with, and ensure you are protected so own half the house in case he bankrupts himself

My dad*

Bluegirlgreen

All I’m suggesting is if you are going down someone’s phone it’s because you don’t trust them and maybe want to find something out...
Well the OP has found out something and isn’t happy!

Time to leave in my opinion...

Who would have thought winning 25k could be so relationship destroying

Oh, Yellow, this is a nasty quandary to be in. But it gives you a new perspective on your man, doesn't it?

How about thinking of your own needs, your own exhaustion from 2 jobs, & your own future, while you reappraise how you feel about all this?

You say he is never a shirker or tight with money
But he's entirely comfortable to earn over £100k, tell his g/f he's saving for a house with her, & let her work 2 jobs to try & save up £15k. Where is his 'generosity' when you are knackered from overwork?

He tells you he is happy to put in more than me when the time comes to it - & isn't that convenient for him! Do you not get the feeling that you are being stalled, that this is NOT the 'equal venture' that you are looking for, & that he is "Future Faking" you?

He also owes one of his family members a significant amount of money
What were you telling yourself about his 'generosity' again? This man is such a tightwad he will rip off his own relative, even while he has a £25k windfall sitting in his account.
What makes you think he will treat you any differently?

he is keeping it a secret from me but happy to tell his friends
He's happy to tell his friends because they are gamblers too.
He wants to keep his nice little £25k pot to spend on his gambling habit.
If any mortgage provider knew about the gambling, his chances of approval would decrease significantly. You don't win £25k for peanuts - he is laying out large sums.
Imagine for one moment that you were proposing to buy a house with a friend in order to get on the ladder - no romantic involvement whatsoever. Supposing this friend also had a gambling addiction? Would you risk buying a house with them? Of course you wouldn't! Eventually, they will lose enough money to miss a mortgage payment here & there. Events spiral, & you end up either covering their share of the payment in order not to lose your home, or you get repossessed.
Just because you love him, it doesn;t mean that all this is not also true of him. He is a huge, ticking time bomb of a risk to you financially - all your hard work with 2 jobs & diligently saving up your £15k will have been for nothing.

I love him and share everything with him, and I thought the same of him.
Sweetheart, he cannot even share the truth with you,
He is coldly, calculatingly, lying to your face.
He is a gambling addict. You may struggle with accepting that, but if he were not addicted, he would not need to lie to you.
If he were truly committed to buying a house with you, he would be putting some of the £25k into savings with you.

He thinks nothing of leaving his relative hanging for repayment while his own cash burns a hole in his pocket.
He will think nothing of leaving you high & dry without means to pay your new mortgage should you be unwise enough to still do that with him.

Please have a long hard think about the implications & consequences OP. And don't shack up with someone so perfectly poised to destroy your future. He is a liar, an addict, a gambler, a selfish git, & I believe he is stringing you along. You will always be in second place behind his addiction. Maybe even 3rd place, behind the friends he shares news of his win with ...

I am sorry to be so harsh OP, but this is a big wake-up call for you.
I would take my savings & run ... & keep myself open to meeting a truthful, sharing, kind & non-addicted man.

Before you confront him move any joint savings into your accounts and remove important documents, sentimental items etc from the house, it could get nasty, he obviously doesn't care about what you think. Do you have somewhere to go? I know you mentioned your parents helping, could they help you get your own place, don't me reliant on a man. Take it from someone who knows

I am going against the grain here but it doesn't mean he has a gambling addiction. Many people enjoy various types of gambling. What matters is can they afford it. If I have a £5 to play slot machines and I can afford to lose that money as it is fun moneý then as long as that is all I spend no problem. If I have 400 fun money and that is all I spend no problem. Obviously a winning return on 400 would be significantly higher than on £5. Doesn't make either person an addict.
The not mentioning it would be a problem, but it is entirely possible he hasn't mentioned it because he knew you would have a problem with it. You have straight away jumped to him being an addict, you have gone through his phone, so if he isnt an addict you have lost any moral high ground you could take in a conversation. Yes he owes money to a relative and it would be nice to pay it back, but you say they have an agreement to pay it back at so much a month which he does so again he is meeting his responsibilities.

Saying that It sounds like I’m defending him!
I’m not, you having to have 2 jobs whilst he earns a lot more then you and generally treating you like shit is more then enough of reason to run for the hills...
He doesn’t sound very nice and sounds like he is taking you for granted...

He is NOT a selfless and generous man if he owes a relative money and isn't using this win to pay the relative back. He's a selfish arsehole.

Gambling is an addiction that makes people turn into self-centred twats. I would be very concerned about tying your finances to someone who gambles at that level.

Do not buy a house with this man . He has a serious gambling problem not paying a family member back pronto is also a big red flag - that should be a priority and he rightly knows you would consider it a priority too.

There are a few different problems here, really.

The gambling is one, yes. There's a risk that your life together will be mired in debt and misery.

The deceit is a big one. Not only has he kept the win from you and doesn't intend to share the money, but he's placed you lower than you should be in a hierarchy where his friends know everything and you know nothing. He's also actively recruiting them to keep the secret collectively from you. The secrecy would be a problem if he had told no one, but the lack of respect implicit in what he's done instead means you should be very wary for the future. What else will he share with his friends but not you? What else will they help him cover up? There are some pretty obvious examples of the risks that kind of set-up exposes you to.

But finally, you have different values. This is a pretty incendiary way to discover you and your boyfriend aren't very well suited long term, but even if it had come out in a quiet chat over a pint, the realisation that you'd rather work hard, repay debt and be honest with everyone, and he'd rather play fast and loose, take what he wants and be economical with the truth, ought to be enough to realise he isn't the one for you after all. In fact, the nuclear scale of the revelation perhaps it makes it easier to break up with him, compared with, say, nagging doubts and areas of disagreement.

I think you'll look back on this and see it as a lucky escape, but you must feel like shit today.

YABU for snooping through his phone.
I hate how normalised this behaviour is on MN and how posters 'suspicions' trump the invasion of a partners privacy, instead of I don't know asking them first?

Yeah right, 'cos a gambler is gonna come clean immediately, isn't he?

I'd add also for it to survive OP needs to learn privacy boundaries.

Maybe so. It would certainly keep the relationship where HE wants it. With the OP utterly in the dark & exposed to financial threat to her wellbeing. He wouldn't give a shit what the outcome was for her.

@YellowSunflowers123 ironically enough, I’d advise you to change the password on your phone to something he wouldn’t guess and the same thing for your bank accounts, etc. He already took your phone and transferred £20 from your bank account without your permission. What else would he be willing to do?

By the way, that incident sounds so weird. Did he even give you a reason why??

Presumably he has an agreement with the relative to pay back X amount per month because that's all he could afford at the time. It's not like a structured agreement with a 0% interest credit card company or similar where it makes no difference to them if you pay back early. What kind of arsehole wouldn't clear the debt sooner if they had the means to do so instead of hiding the win and taking his mates out for a slap up dinner?

As for going through the phone, who would honestly dump their partner of two years with whom you live just on a hunch, when you had the means to double check? As for just asking him, he'd already lied by omission by quickly shutting down the app and being cagey with his phone afterwards - why on earth would anyone think that straight out questioning would get OP anywhere other than denials and thinking she's going crazy?

OP you're absolutely right, it's the secrecy, the wanting to keep it from you and refusing to pay back his relative who did him a huge favour when he needed help. In a sense it's immaterial whether he has a gambling addiction or not. It's his attitude that's the big red flag. His refusal to share the news with you means he doesn't consider it a true partnership and would make me worry what else he'd keep a secret from me both now and in the future.

Please do take note of JingsMahBucket post above and protect yourself / get your ducks in a row before confronting him.

For me, apart from the gambling, secrecy etc, the main thing is that you are giving your all to the joint interests of the relationship and he is not. That can't work longterm anyway.

Previous posters saying about how long they've been together... that doesn't matter. There are people who were in a relationship and moved in together/got married after years of waiting and separated. There are also people who got together, moved in and got married after a couple of years who are still together. If it feels right do it. No matter how long you've been together you don't know what the future holds.
(sorry a bit off topic)