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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying Keep

412 replies

Lee17 · 06/08/2019 17:23

Hi All,
My 16 yr old daughter has left school is earning now. She is on an Apprenticeship, which starts officially in September. She is earning about £130 a week at the minute, which may well go up if she does more hours. Now, I think it is reasonable for her to pay a little towards her keep. At the moment we are encouraging her to save half, which she is doing but when we mentioned keep she threw a wobbly. Is it reasonable to ask her to pay say £25 a week, then save half of the rest and have the other half to spend as she pleases? My husband and I were brought up to pay keep, many, many years ago! And back then in the early 80s, he was paying about £20 and I was about £15. Any advice please? I think they need to appreciate how long it takes to earn what they intend to spend and to evaluate the cost and if it is worth it. We pay for everything for her at the minute, apart from extra clothes and makeup. Thanks. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Keep or no Keep?

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 06/08/2019 18:22

It’s not mean or grim. If they don’t start learning that their wage is not 100% disposable they’re in for a rude shock. You end up with a 20yr old that’s been working for 4 years, not contributing and with no savings and conversations like:

So what will you do if your car breaks down?

I’ll pay for it out of my next wage.
What if it’s more than your wage
I get a wage every week, lol.

Not appreciating that actually you have bills to pay first and then your car repairs, and a couple of days later after this chat had a few hundred of repairs to do on the car for it’s MOT.

cheesydoesit · 06/08/2019 18:22

I left school at the same age to work and was appalled when I had to pay a similar amount of board. Looking back I appreciate how easy I had it! Definitely a good life lesson.

Bookworm4 · 06/08/2019 18:24

Does she have travel costs? She does sound lazy about her life in general. I’d take £20, good for her to learn to budget.

Mrskeats · 06/08/2019 18:25

Rubbish harness
My 23 year old has her own place and pays all her own bills. Stupid generalisation.
Op will be quids in. Get child benefit and ‘keep’ and possibly tax credits too.

Heartofglass12345 · 06/08/2019 18:26

I wouldn't if you're still getting child benefit and 'encouraging' her to save half.
I think once she is working full time fair enough but it doesn't sound like she'll have much left.
I would make her buy all her own clothes, shoes, toiletries, phone bill etc though

TeenTimesTwo · 06/08/2019 18:26

I'd switch it around perhaps?

You don't charge her keep, but she pays for her clothes and phone and independent entertainment.

Or, you pay for what you would have paid if she had done a BTEC or A levels and she saves most of it (for a car perhaps?).

Jinglebin1 · 06/08/2019 18:27

Personally I wouldn't be asking her to pay whilst she's a child on a low wage. I'd ask from 18 when she's an adult as long as I wasn't really hard up and she was saving some. I'd look at her spending it on driving at 17 to help further her skills and perhaps putting the savings towards a car.

Ponoka7 · 06/08/2019 18:28

I don't see the difference between a 16 year old on an apprenticeship and one still in education or UNI.

It's as though you are treating her differently than her Sister because she doesn't have academic ability.

Does she want to learn to drive?

Yellowcar2 · 06/08/2019 18:29

Personally I wouldn't charge her keep or for food but I would expect her to start paying for her own mobile, clothes etc

Heartofglass12345 · 06/08/2019 18:29

I don't agree with saving on her behalf either, I find it a bit patronising especially if she is already saving herself. And surely keep is to pay towards household costs so if you're saving it you don't need it. Let her keep her money and encourage her to learn to drive while she still lives at home, I think it'll be much more valuable to her.

Soyloprohibido · 06/08/2019 18:30

It seems very off that her sister got free board while she's expected to pay out of her meagre wage just because she chose a less academic route. She could well continue to resent it especially if her more academic sister ultimately ends up on a better wage after university, after having free board for up to 5 extra years.

Mrskeats · 06/08/2019 18:32

Agreed soyl
In higher education like uni you get student finance. That’s why this is different.

LtJudyHopps · 06/08/2019 18:39

She is still in a form of education and you didn’t charge her sister so I don’t think it’s fair if you’re already asking her to save half. Take the half from her and put in to a savings account for her. She can contribute when she’s 18.

Morgan12 · 06/08/2019 18:42

No.
YABU.

Her sister didn't pay. Neither does she.

lancslass17 · 06/08/2019 18:51

If she is earning she should be contributing, paying a % was always fair in our house so even if on more money it's the same %. Or ask her to pay a bill. It's good to learn it's not all disposable.

stucknoue · 06/08/2019 19:00

I didn't make my dd pay in her gap year as long as she saved at least half, she actually saved 80% of her pay and paid a years tuition out of it. We will support them until they are 22, when both will have finished their courses

Jamieson90 · 06/08/2019 19:03

Paying keep is a really old fashioned way of thinking. It really is. It doesn't teach responsibility, it just breeds resentment.

It's hard enough for young people to get on the housing ladder with such low wages and such high house prices without adding in paying bills to your parents.

£130 a week is absolutely nothing and I assume you will still be getting child benefit too? I'm not surprised she is throwing a wobbly to be honest.

For context, one of my best friends is a teacher and still lives at home with his parents. He comes out with about £1900 a month and doesn't have any bills to pay. Very soon he will be able to buy his own house just like all his older brothers and sisters and the family prospers.

Reallybadidea · 06/08/2019 19:04

I wouldn't if for no other reason than that she's going to be costing you a lot less as you won't be supporting her through university. On the other hand I would not be paying an allowance anymore and would expect her to be paying for her own phone/clothes etc.

MoreCuddlesForMummy · 06/08/2019 19:06

I worked from 15 and never paid keep to my mum but I was doing my GCSEs and A levels so in full time education. Left home at 18 and was completely financially independent (some help from dad (parents separated) for 2 years). Looking back I had a lot of spare cash pre uni, but I don’t think I took the Micky too much.

£25 is around 20% of her income so not as high as she would be paying in rent and I’d assume she’ll get at least her breakfast and dinner at home. Does she have any other outgoings?

If you do still get child benefit it might be nice for you to put a little aside for her as a well done once she’s finished her apprenticeship. Although that really depends on if you can manage or not. It would be a nice gesture especially as she is potentially “living up” to an older sibling who is academic when she isn’t.

Personally I wouldn’t be so strict as to make her save half of what she has left. She needs to learn to make her money last and she’ll soon realise that £105 a week really doesn’t go that far. Just make sure you’re on hand to coach her and show her how to budget for things and work everything out.

Despite the help I got and the work I was doing, by the end of uni I was in a horrible amount of credit card and overdraft debt but I never had any good financial examples while I was growing up. It took me until I was around 23/24 to take my debts into hand and I only managed to clear them quickly because I had a job in a well paying industry. I wish someone had showed me the simple things like totting Up all outgoings, taking them away from top end income and working out how much I have left a week/month. I still do that now with both the household budget and my own money and I’m 35 and secure but it stops things getting away from me!

MoreCuddlesForMummy · 06/08/2019 19:07

Independent after 2 years not for 2 years 😂🙄

Butchyrestingface · 06/08/2019 19:08

No, I wouldn’t. At most, I would take the money and put it into a savings account for her. She should start paying for her clothes, phone, frivolities, if she’s not already.

MoreCuddlesForMummy · 06/08/2019 19:08

@Morgan12 her sister wasn’t being paid £130 a week to go to school

etotheb · 06/08/2019 19:14

I would personally just tell her to pay for her own expenses meaning (phone bill, clothes, make up, food outside) and any extra food that she wants to eat in the house.

But £130 isn't a lot of money and tbh you will find after she buys clothes and all this stuff she won't have much left. She's only 16.

JingsMahBucket · 06/08/2019 19:15

I understand what you’re trying to do @Lee17 but it does sound like you favour her sister because the sister is more academic. The way you describe your daughter sounds a bit mean. Plus you’re still getting benefits for her. My husband’s nephew started contributing a bit to the household when he started working plus apprenticeship but I think that’s partially because he made almost as much as his low wage mum!

If you’re determined to charge her, I’d do a nominal amount like £10 or make her start paying for her phone. Otherwise, I'd leave her to save her money.

etotheb · 06/08/2019 19:16

@Mrskeats amen. someone had the balls to say what I'm thinking haha